Reference to: 'The Love Spell Potential'; 'The Locomotive Manipulation'; 'The Stag Convergence'; 'The 43 Peculiarity'; 'The Contractual Obligation'
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"Congratulations on the new job—I mean career," Raj gushed to Penny as they all sat eating at apartment 4A.
"Career," Penny purred. "Although I really owe Bernadette for this."
"It's what friends do. Speaking of which, where's Sheldon?" squeaked Bernadette before taking a bite of her chow mein.
"At the university. He'll be home soon," replied Leonard as he applied some soy sauce to his food before returning the bottle to the coffee table.
"He's been working a lot," said Penny as she ate her dumpling. "He said there's a lot to catch up on before getting into his dark matter stuff."
The door opened and Sheldon entered.
"Forgive my tardiness. The bus was late," he said a tad disgruntled as he went to his computer and put his satchel on his chair. "I'll just rid myself of my bus pants and clean up." He went down the hall.
"That was different," said Raj. "Sheldon seemed—pleasant."
"I chalk it up to distraction," said Leonard with a smirk. "Still it's been nice."
"Almost makes you want to stay," chuckled Howard.
"Yeah-ah-no."
Sheldon came back to the living room and went to sit in his spot. He stared grimly at Bernadette.
"What?" she asked.
"You're in Penny's spot," he replied.
"Sheldon, it's okay," said Penny.
"No it's not," the lanky physicist replied as he sat in a huff in his spot. "Before Amy this was your spot. Now that Amy's gone it reverts back to yours. Now hop to it, lady," he said with a snap of the fingers.
"Sheldon, I'm fine over here," Penny growled, sitting in a computer chair next to Leonard.
"Oh good grief. Yes, everyone knows you and Leonard are, for the time being, engaged," Sheldon explained slowly. Leonard made to say something. "But that doesn't mean you have to sit together as visual evidence of your relationship status."
Howard got off the couch so Bernadette could slide down to the end.
"You know we'll never have peace until you sit there," he said to Penny. With a roll of the eyes she got up and moved to her 'spot' on the couch.
"Happy?" she said crisply.
"I'm not unhappy," Sheldon replied as he applied hot mustard to his chicken satay.
"So anyways, Emily's on-call this weekend at the hospital but she has someone to cover her until ten so that will give us at least a couple of hours of uninterrupted partying," Raj said happily as he ate.
"Good," replied Penny. "Because you guys are so gonna love this cocktail lounge. A few drinks under our belts and then we dance our asses off."
"Yeah, I don't know if they have enough alcohol in the entire bar to get me out dancing," Leonard said adamantly. "You remember what happened last time," he said, wincing at the thought of his kinked knee.
"I dunno. You certainly can move that butt when you want to, Dr. Hofstadter," Penny purred. Sheldon put down his chop sticks.
"Is all of this really necessary?" he tsked. "What happened to decent conversation?"
"Not everything is about you, Sheldon," said Penny with a smirk.
"Yes, well, not everything is about alcohol-induced frivolity and coitus abounding." Sheldon straightened in his seat. "In fact I've been thinking over what we used to do prior to our knowing you girls."
"Like sitting around moping because we didn't have a girl?" teased Raj, garnering a glare.
"Gentlemen, we played paintball, went to Renaissance Fairs, various science fiction and fantasy conventions, kite-fighting tournaments, movie marathons at the theatre, built and launched model rockets, had weekend long video game sleepovers—"
"You had one when Howie and I were going out," Bernadette interrupted.
"One which was ruined by your insistence on coming," Sheldon amended.
"Don't forget you were going to go with Amy to the science museum," scowled Raj.
"My point exactly," agreed Sheldon. "Completely delusional."
"Well no one's stopping you from doing these things, Sheldon," said Bernadette.
Howard turned to his wife, an excited look on his face.
"You mean you'd go to a Renaissance Fair with me?" he said hopefully.
"Sure."
"That's terrific! Ma can make you up a costume in no time flat." Bernadette raised an eyebrow.
"Wait, we have to wear costumes?" she asked.
"We're going to a Fair," Howard pointed out. "We can't just wear regular clothes."
Bernadette rested her food container on her lap.
"When I go to a hockey game with my dad I don't wear skates and a helmet," she said pointedly.
"But when you went to Disney World you dressed like a princess," Howard countered, proud until he caught his wife's frown. "Of course, you're always a princess so I guess it wasn't much of a costume change." He returned to his food.
"The point is, we used to be more diverse," Sheldon said. "We're now stilted."
"Hey, you used to do stuff when I first met you," said Penny.
"We did. Then it was supplanted by Leonard's desire to copulate with you."
"It wasn't just sex—although it's great," gushed Leonard. "Relationships give people stability."
Sheldon cocked his head as he regarded his roommate.
"You followed Penny's history partner down the stairs and threatened him," he said evenly.
"Sheldon, what Leonard's saying is that relationships are transformative," said Bernadette. "I mean look at Howie, he was a pervert and now he's my sweet tushie face." She blew Howard a kiss.
"Interesting," said Sheldon thoughtfully. "So you're saying that relationships change people at a fundamental level?" He looked to Howard. "You're no longer the man you were?"
"Nope. That guy is gone," said Howard amiably.
"So you're no longer an engineer or like comic books or role-playing games or model rockets or magic or—"
"What I mean is that the creepy guy I was is gone," the engineer amended.
"Ah," nodded Sheldon. "So certain aspects considered negative are negated."
"That's right."
"And this is supposed to make you a 'better person'."
"Exactly," said Leonard.
"Who determines if you're 'better'?"
"You do," said Raj. "Your partner. Family. Friends."
"And this is judged by consensus?" asked Sheldon.
"More or less."
"Huh." Sheldon mixed his satay with his chop sticks before looking at his friends. "Was I a 'better person' with Amy?" Leonard glanced at Penny.
"Well, there are different ways of judging that," he said slowly.
"Based on your previous formula."
"You know, I really liked Guardians of the Galaxy," said Leonard as he squirmed in his chair.
"Yes," Raj agreed quickly. "I have a Dancing Groot bobblehead."
"I'm serious," Sheldon said firmly.
Penny put her dumpling container on her lap.
"Sheldon, honey, I think it's something you have to sort out for yourself," she said gently.
"But you're my friends. Your observations are required if I'm to formulate a conclusion." Sheldon looked to his roommate. "Leonard?"
"Well you're less annoying," he replied. "And you weren't as anal about things like the Roommate Agreement and stuff."
"And now you're easier with touching and germs," added Raj.
"You even thought about having sex with someone. That's big," said Penny.
"You're more aware of other people's feelings," said Howard.
"Actually, you're more aware of your own feelings as well," said Leonard.
"I'm more than aware of my feelings," snapped Sheldon.
"Well you show them more. It's nice."
"Well, that's a lot," Sheldon said with a bit of a flush on his cheeks even as he pursed his lips. "With so much previously 'wrong' with me it's a wonder how we were friends before Amy."
"Believe me, we wondered sometimes, too," grinned Raj.
Sheldon glared at the astrophysicist before taking an aggressive bite of satay.
"So that's three people in transition," said Bernadette.
"Three?" said Leonard. "Sheldon's changed jobs and Penny has a job. Who's the third?"
"Did I say, three?" Bernadette said awkwardly as she looked between Leonard and Penny. "I mean that in a general sense. You know, 'all three people played for the Cowboys at last week's game'." She took in a room of dubious looks. "Okay. Amy's going to Chicago on a research grant."
At once everyone in the room turned to look at Sheldon, who froze at the attention.
"What?" he asked defensively.
"Nothing," Leonard replied and everyone went back to their food.
"Good for Amy getting on with her life," Sheldon said as he stuck his chop sticks into his food and rose. "Admirable. Professional." He grabbed his bottled water from the table and went to his room.
"Not to mention completely shitty," Penny said in a low voice.
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Sheldon stood back to take in the full scope of his whiteboards that he placed in front of his locked office door. He didn't want to admit that what his friends said bothered him but as his entire afternoon had been devoted to this enterprise he knew he was only fooling himself.
There was no doubt he was functioning on the law of diminishing returns.
Board one listed out what he did prior to knowing Amy. It was packed to the brim with everything from kite fighting and Klingon Boggle to making cornmeal dance on top of a speaker and secret agent laser obstacle chess.
Board two reflected what he did when Amy was around. There were some items overlapping from board one like trips to the zoo and going to science book readings to heckle but overall he could see that his time was taken up with other things like counterfactuals and dinner parties. Boyfriend/girlfriend sing along night. Date nights. Basket weaving. Even things he used to do separately from Amy, like going to the comic book store, seemed to fall under her parameter. The Halloween party at Stuart's store became a nightmare compromise of 'Raggedy C3PO'to her 'Raggedy Ann'. It was important, Amy said, for them to be seen in public as a couple. It pained her that the others thought her relationship with Sheldon was a joke. Sheldon didn't see what the big deal was as he felt their relationship was an intimate affair not subject to other peoples' opinions. But obviously it was a big deal to her as their relationship dissolved.
His eyes flashed to the third board which looked sparse at best. It marked out what he could do now. Of course winning the Nobel Prize was on the list as was attending Comic Con but what made him quit writing was the sudden realization that he couldn't just add what he did before Amy came to the board because another major shift had happened—Leonard was engaged and about to move out of the apartment. In fact all of them had significant others who took up much of their time. Now when they did get together it was for dinners at each others' places or an occasional Halo night or Dungeons and Dragons game.
And now Sheldon was single, hence not a part of the new group dynamic. Granted, Raj was single for a long while but often complained about being a third wheel. The only logical thing was for Sheldon to retreat even further to before he met Leonard, Howard and Raj. A time when he was content being alone, in fact preferred it to interacting with other people.
Only he didn't want to do that.
He said nothing about what happened in the Arctic in order to maintain his friendships because he knew if things came to a head he'd be alone. He was Raj and Howard's tertiary friend so any dispute between Leonard and him would result in their taking Leonard's side.
Sheldon took his marker and wrote at the top of the first board, 'Sheldon with Leonard', and 'Sheldon with Amy' on the second. He scowled at the third board before taking the eraser and wiping it clean. He didn't like what was happening. As Amy was going Chicago there was only one thing he could do.
XXX
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"What's up, buttercup?" asked Penny as she opened the door.
"I want you to break your engagement to Leonard or else permanently move into our apartment," he said firmly.
"Neither is gonna happen," Penny said with an amused smirk. "Besides, I thought you said I was too messy to be a roommate?"
"I could adjust." A twitch squinted his right eye.
"Sweetie, is this about Leonard leaving?"
"I want Halo night and comic book Wednesdays and trips to the dentist."
"Sheldon, we're across the hall." Penny gently squeezed his arm. "You can still have all that."
"Until you breed and then move to another apartment," he scowled.
"We could always trade apartments."
"Why not?" Sheldon snorted. "It's not like anything matters anymore."
Penny's Sheldonese translator kicked into action.
"Sucks that Amy's going, huh?" she asked.
"I thought I had things planned out when I returned only to have Amy leave me," said Sheldon. "I spent the afternoon writing out the implications." His eyes dropped to the floor. "There are a lot more than I had anticipated."
"You did go out a long time," Penny said sympathetically. Sheldon looked her in the face.
"What you said last night about my having changed 'for the better'," he said seriously. "You stand by that?"
"Well, yeah. You're less of a whack-a-doodle for one thing."
"A whack-a-doodle who won the president's medal and was one of the most scintillating minds of the century," Sheldon sniffed. "I solved the black hole information paradox. Even Hawking couldn't do that." He shook his head. "And now my career's floundering to the point of abandonment and I'm starting anew. I've wasted so much time."
"Relationships aren't a waste, Sheldon."
"She changed me," Sheldon pouted. "I want to go back to where I was prior to meeting her but I can't. Time has passed and my friends are in relationships and my routines have been altered to the point of being unrecognizable." His jaw stiffened. "I went to Big Boy on Tuesday but it didn't feel right as the hippies would say. I was alone."
"Honey, you don't have to go alone. Just ask Leonard and I'm sure—"
"Penny, you don't understand. I've been alone most of my life. I've craved solitude because I could concentrate on my studies and wouldn't have to worry about being insulted by schoolyard antagonists or neighborhood bullies. With all of you going through with your pair bonding I realize that I will again be alone. Only this time it's different."
"How?" Blue eyes met green.
"I'm lonely," he said softly.
"I'm sorry, Sheldon," Penny replied equally as soft. Sheldon cleared his throat.
"Amy was the one person I've met who's the most like me," he said evenly.
"And you miss the connection." He nodded. "Sheldon, there are plenty more fish in the sea. It's not Amy or an apartment full of cats. I mean look at me. I went on like a zillion dates until I found Leonard."
"Out of one hundred and ninety three dates you managed to find a myopic, short, lactose intolerant man," snorted Sheldon. "You're not exactly extolling the benefits of having an expanded pool of candidates." Pause. "I want someone like Amy."
"Believe me, no one's gonna be like Amy," Penny replied diplomatically. "But that doesn't mean you won't like her, too, when the right person comes along."
"I suppose," the physicist said after a moment.
"You've gotta figure this out on your own, chum." He made to speak. "And it won't be on a whiteboard."
"Then how?"
"You've gotta meet people."
"You mean field work," Sheldon amended.
"If it means getting your plaid butt out there meeting people then yes I do," Penny said with a grin.
"Huh. It never occurred to me to meet new people," said Sheldon slowly. "The last friend I made was Eric. He loves trains, too."
"Time to think outside the box," said Penny. "You know, girls for one thing." Sheldon widened his eyes in excitement.
"I could date a conductor! We could ride the rails together—at a discount no less!" he said breathlessly.
"Let's keep thinking," Penny said with a little smile.
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"Uh huh," said Howard as he sat on his couch talking on the phone. "Uh, sure. I think I can replicate it."
His odd tone made Bernadette look up from the book she was reading to regard her husband.
"Same place?" Howard continued. "Okay. ... I'll go do it right now." He hung up and, to Bernadette, looked rather shell-shocked.
"Who was that?" she squeaked.
Howard shook his head to revive himself.
"Sheldon," he said, again in an odd tone. "He said he wanted me to write up his profile for a dating site."
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"I bet you're excited," squeaked Bernadette as she sat on Amy's couch. "I really like Chicago."
"It's a quaint city, murder rate aside," Amy agreed.
"So how long will you be gone?" Penny asked.
"The contract is for a year but it might be extended depending on our results." Amy took a sip of wine. "I have a colleague there so I won't be alone." She glanced at Penny. "Not that she'll ever replace you, bestie."
"What about me?" asked Bernadette.
"Where else would I find a better cute in the right light friend?" added Amy. She picked up a chip. "We're actually quite the quirky little family. It's a wonder we all met."
"You have to thank Howard and his dating prank for that," Penny snorted. "Though I doubt it'll happen twi—" She blanched.
"Quite right," Amy said as she munched the chip. "The very idea that Sheldon would be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone is preposterous." She noted the looks Bernadette and Penny gave each other. "What?"
"It's nothing, right Penny?" Bernadette said before taking a big gulp of wine.
"Yeah, Sheldon came by the other day and blah, blah, blah. You know Sheldon," Penny stammered before she, too, took a gulp of wine.
"Penny, it's been three months," said Amy evenly. "Believe me that nothing Sheldon could say would unsettle me." She smirked. "Did he say he missed me?"
"Kinda." Penny began to blush. "He said a lot of things."
"Good," Amy said firmly. "It's about time he realized what I brought to the table. I've been nothing but patient with him and he's been nothing but difficult." She munched on another chip. "So how does he plan to rectify the situation?"
"Well," Penny winced. "He's kinda sorta gonna start dating." Amy's mouth dropped.
"How can he be ready to date?!" Amy snapped incredulously. "He barely dated me and that took four years!"
"He's lonely," Penny continued. "He misses the connection the two of you had."
"Only Sheldon could mess this up." Amy gave an exasperated sigh.
"Mess what up?" asked Bernadette.
"I wanted him to see how much he needs me. To realize that I'm the most important thing in his life and that he needs to pay attention to my needs," said Amy.
"So are you gonna talk to him?" asked Penny.
"Not right now. I want him to wallow," Amy said simply, her tone freezing Penny's veins. "Once I get back from Chicago we'll talk and resume our relationship."
"But what if Sheldon finds a girlfriend?" Penny asked.
Bernadette and Amy looked at each other before giving out a mutual snort.
"Like that will happen," laughed Bernadette.
"This is Sheldon we're talking about," Amy agreed.
"Well you never know," Penny frowned as she stood. "I mean look at me, from an actress to a pharmaceutical rep like that"—she snapped her fingers. "I mean things happen."
Penny went to the washroom and closed the door.
"From an actress to a pharmaceutical rep," Amy said with a smirk. "And will probably be just as successful."
"That's not true, there's a lot of flirting and innuendo involved with being a rep," said Bernadette. "That's really playing to Penny's strengths."
"Who knew her tramping around would be a career asset outside of prostitution?" mused Amy. "Too bad she can't have sex with her clients because then she'd be the top earner at your company."
"Amy!" Bernadette hissed as she heard the toilet flush.
"Well how else do you explain Leonard keeping her?"
"Because you're right doesn't mean it's nice to say," Bernadette said as the bathroom door opened and Penny emerged.
"More wine, bestie?" asked Amy as she held up the bottle.
"Sure," said Penny as she sat.
"So this is our last night together," said Bernadette as Amy topped up their glasses.
"To friendship," Amy said and the three clinked glasses.