As always I start this with a HUGE THANK YOU for the reviews, when real life gets in the way as it has again this week, it's the reviews that encourage me to find the time to write, and push on.
So all I ask is you Read, Enjoy, and PLEASE Review
Take Me Home
The slam of a door somewhere above her woke Meredith with a start, and for a few confused seconds she had no idea why she was on the couch, or how she had become trapped in what felt like a straight jacket made up completely of Derek's limbs. Unable to move she had little choice, but to stare bleary-eyed around the living room trying to push through the fog of sleep, and the headache beginning to kick into life behind her eyes to make some sense of it all. The biggest clue to how she had gotten in her current state came in the shape of an empty Tequila bottle on its side under the coffee table, and with sudden urgency Meredith checked both her, and Derek were in fact fully dressed, and they hadn't taken the same road a whole bottle of Tequila had lead them down the last time. The relief of finding herself still clothed only lasted until the actual events of last night started to come back. Slowly, and with increasing clarity Meredith relived the horror of the short time with Josh, and it was enough for her to close her eyes with a groan of protest.
If being awake would have to mean facing it all, then in spite of the aching of her cramped limbs, and the need to pee, Meredith decided she would much rather be asleep. She didn't want to think about Josh, or the fact that in a few hours she would have to face not only him, but the gossips at work too. Instead, she wanted to stay here, to be lulled back to sleep by the comfort Derek's nearness offered, and pretend for a little while longer that nothing outside of the two of them existed. However, other people did exist, and it was only when her body began to relax again into Derek's hold, Meredith remembered the noise that had awoken her in the first place, and the existence of the houses two other occupants.
"Derek… Derek! I need to get up."
After minutes of futile struggling, and Derek still showing no signs of waking despite the jostling, Meredith remembered his less than gentle waking Christmas morning. With an effort that left her breathless Meredith managed to twist her body around so they were facing, and pinched his nose. She watched in a mixture of amusement, and satisfaction as his blue eyes snapped open, his whole body lurching up in response, all whilst he seemed to struggle to find his bearings much the same as she had on waking.
"What… Mer! What the fuck was that..?"
He demanded, holding her offending hand a safe distance away from his face, as he stared at her as if she had gone crazy.
"I was trying to wake you up. I was inspired by your technique on Christmas morning."
Meredith informed him, all whilst taking advantage of his loosened grip to make a final bid for freedom.
"I didn't lay a finger on you, and that is definitely not how you wake someone after they spent the night on the most uncomfortable couch they have ever slept on, all because you got them too drunk to move."
"I didn't hear any complaints from you at the time,"
Derek made a grab for her, ignoring Meredith's protests as he dragged her back down on top of him, ruining any progress she had made in de-tangling their bodies.
"And, your not now!"
Derek said leaning up to brush her lips with his.
"I want to be the one you chose to drink with, and the only person you sleep with. I just wish that having a spring digging in to my hip all night, hadn't come as part of the deal. What time is it anyway?"
"Half five." Meredith managed to free an arm to show him her watch "And, I have to get ready for work."
"Stay. Just five more minutes?"
"We can't … Room-mates, remember?"
"You know what I like best about my new place...? I don't have room-mates."
"Is that your attempt at a subtle hint?"
"I'm too tired to be subtle. Come, and stay tonight Mer? Just us, I'll even make dinner."
"You'll cook, with no expectations of me helping?"
"Meredith I want my kitchen to still be functional, so no I won't ask you to help."
"So you have a kitchen, but do you have a spare bedroom?"
"No…"
"I am not sharing your bed."
"You say that now."
"Derek."
"Meredith." He imitated, ruining his teasing grin with a huge yawn. "I'm asking nicely, please will you come tonight?"
Just like yesterday there was the same almost vulnerable nervousness in his voice when he had asked the first time. Not only did it work to pique her curiosity once more about what could have enthralled him to actually buy somewhere on one viewing, but it also made him near impossible to say no to for the second time.
"Okay, but this better be good Shepherd."
"I'm always good, or have you forgotten?"
"What I had forgotten is how full of it you can be. If it's possible I think you've even managed to get worse."
"You haven't been around to keep me in line, you left me to be corrupted by Mark."
"Were you?"
Derek knew full well what Meredith was asking, and how loaded those two simple words were. He waited to make sure she was looking at him before he shook his head.
"No."
"I wouldn't have minded. You said yesterday that you have no moral high ground, but you're forgetting neither do I."
"Mer no, you deserved better! You had every right to try, and move on, and to be happy. I didn't. I made the mess, I treated both you, and Rebecca badly, and I deserved to live with the consequences of my actions… I was a selfish coward."
"God I bet you were an ass to be around."
She hadn't meant to say it out loud, but Derek's tired eyes lit with humour, and he surprised them both with a shout of laughter.
"Mark did admit to wanting to kick my ass a few times."
"It would have probably done you some good. I bet you lashed out at everyone, withdrew into your work, and sulked like a bear with a sore head."
"Did no one come telling tales then?"
"Mom, and Dad never. The girls tried, Mark did too, but…"
Meredith trailed off, and Derek nodded in understanding.
"You wanted to forget me, not have to think about how I was feeling."
Derek finished for her, and with a nod from her he sighed.
"I think now, it's what I needed. You doing what you did made me realise all that I had lost, to truly appreciate what we had had, and what you really meant to me. As miserable as I have been, it got me here didn't it?"
"On a crappy couch with springs that dig into your hip?"
"And with you."
He stole a kiss from her lips before he brought them both up, swinging his legs round to the floor, leaving Meredith perched on his lap.
"Now, if you expect me to be up please tell me you can at least offer me a hot shower, and some pain killers?"
"Bathroom cabinet, second shelf down. A hot shower is more hit, and miss especially if Izzie has gotten in there first."
"In that case we should share. We can keep each other warm, and save water?"
"Not happening."
"Your no fun Grey."
"Now who has the short memory!"
"Let's be clear I remember every moment."
Standing up with a groan as he stretched out the kinks in his neck, and back Derek reached out a hand, and pulled her to her feet.
"I need to get my bag from the car."
"You packed an overnight bag?"
"I knew how last night would end."
"You were always such a good Boy Scout,"
"Hmm, maybe that's why I keep condoms in my wallet,"
"No that's because you have spent way too much time with Mark."
Meredith threw back behind her, but before she could get far Derek stopped her exit with a touch of his hand to her elbow
"Mer you're okay aren't you?"
Meredith knew he wasn't asking about their respective hangovers, or the protests her lower back was making every time she moved.
"I think so."
"No regrets?"
"Many, but not about ending it."
"I wish I could make it better,"
"You are,"
Leaning up she pressed a kiss to the corner of his lips, then taking hold of his hand she pulled him to the hall way with a push in the direction of the front door. She stood still in place, watching him as he unlocked the door, and made a dash to his car.
"You're up then… I was just going to give you a shout."
Meredith looked up with a start to see Alex at the top of the stairs stood watching her, and forcing her lips in to what she hoped was a natural smile she headed towards him.
"No need, we're alive."
"You okay? You're not going to hurl are you cos you don't look too alive..."
"No, no I'm good… I just need a shower, and as much caffeine as possible."
"Sure?"
He asked again when she reached the landing, and Meredith stopped the 'I'm fine' that was about to fall off her tongue.
"I broke up with Josh."
"Yeah I heard. Some of the Nurses were there at Joe's, saw him walk out, and put two, and two together. But you're okay? Well not okay seen as you, and Shepherd seemed on a mission to drink the house dry last night, but you're Grey okay?"
"Yeah."
"Well you can't force yourself to love someone, right?"
There was no malice, or judgement in his voice, and it only reminded Meredith that Alex had always seemed to understand her in a way not even Cristina could. He had always reminded her of herself, or what she, or even Mark would have become if the Shepherd's hadn't been there to take them in. It had only taken one conversation over a year ago, away from everyone else to kick start the friendship, and seemingly innate understanding of each other into life.
On her first Thanksgiving here, Alex had seemed to understand her when she wasn't sure she had even understood herself. She hadn't meant to confide in Alex, or anyone that day, but she had felt like he had been the one person to understand what it felt like to be so utterly miserable, that you thought you might infect the normal happy people. Although, they had both been hiding from Izzie, and her huge Thanksgiving dinner, they had been doing so for very different reasons. Where as Alex was avoiding Izzie because he didn't want to tell her he had failed his boards, Meredith's reasons had been much simpler.
The arrival of the Holiday Season had seemed to bring with it a fresh wave of homesickness, and a longing for Derek that had left her feeling too raw to be able to hide it with any hope of success. Izzie who had been on a mission to push her towards Josh had ignored Meredith's pleas not to, and had invited an eager Josh to share their dinner. It had had meant her original plan to sleep, and then drink the day away was out the window, and Meredith had seen no other way out than to volunteer to work. However, work hadn't been the sanctuary she had expected when she had become involved in a Neuro case with a PVS patient. The following arguments with the Neuro attending on call had done nothing, but remind her of Derek, and long for his presence. Even though in the end she had won the battle it had left her much more open to Alex than she would have usually been. Although she hadn't told him about Derek, she had told him enough for him to never fully buy in to her relationship with Josh.
"Alex…?"
"Look at it this way, least you tried right, and you didn't screw it up like I did. You broke it off before any real damage was done."
"I hope so, and thank you for not telling the others."
"It's cool Mer, I told you I wouldn't say anything. You can go get ready, I'll tell Shepherd the bathroom is free so he can jump in before Iz, then she won't know who to be pissed at."
Thankfully the shower had not only worked in making Meredith feel more alive, but also eased the stiffness that her left her feeling decades older than her thirty-two years. However, stood leaning against the counter waiting for the much needed coffee to brew, and the pain killers to kick in Meredith couldn't help but wish she did a normal job where it was much more acceptable to call in sick.
"So Derek ended up staying then?"
Meredith looked up as Izzie strolled in to the kitchen all ready for work. There was a faint memory of her returning at some point last night possibly before Alex, but already far past the point where her, and Derek were capable of making any sense to anyone, but each other.
"Yeah."
There was a sudden urge to defend the decision that she hadn't felt with Alex, with talk of too drunk to call taxis, and what was the point in Derek leaving when he had work in a matter of hours anyway. Meredith fought it with determination knowing it was her own feelings of guilt that was the problem, and Izzie was making nothing more than a passing remark. She had to remind herself more than once that they had done nothing wrong, and Derek had been sleeping over after nights like last night back East long before he had started sharing her bed. It was just the same as when Mark had done the so only a few months ago, and no-one, not even Josh had raised an eyebrow at that.
"You should have joined us,"
Meredith said instead, and with her head bent over her bag Izzie laughed.
"And suffer along with you this morning, no thank you. So was there a reason for the party for two last night, or was this just a belated welcome to Seattle?"
"Iz it's not that unusual for me to get drunk."
"No it wasn't when we first moved in, but you haven't done it in a long time, not since before you got serious with Josh anyway. I thought you were past all that..?"
"You know what Derek's good at? He's good at being there. If you have a crappy day, and you just want to drink it away Derek he's that guy that will drink with you just to stop you drinking alone, you don't have to talk, there is no judgement, you just drink… And, last night I needed to drink."
"Oh Mer what have you done?"
"I broke up with Josh."
"Why?"
"It just… It was the best thing to do."
"No Mer he's perfect for you, and we worked so hard on getting you ready for a relationship, and now you just dump him?"
"There was no getting me ready, I was right to be hesitant, it just didn't work."
"Why what changed…? It was working fine before you left for New York."
"Nothing changed Iz that was the problem. I tried, and I tried, because believe me I know what a great guy Josh is, but it was just never there."
"You didn't tell him that did you.."
Izzie started, but the only answer she needed was written all over Meredith's face.
"Oh Mer you didn't."
"I didn't need to. He figured it out… Look can we not do this, I don't need to dissect this to death, it's done, and I know you think I'm a crappy person who is making the biggest mistake of her life, but just can we not go there, at least whilst I am still hungover?"
"Sure."
"What's going on?"
Alex appeared pulling on his jacket, and Izzie nodded towards Meredith.
"Mer dumped Josh."
"Yeah she said. Good for her I say." Alex said, and seeming to forget what they had just agreed upon, Izzie started again.
"No, Josh was perfect, I mean how many guys do we meet who get the job we do, the ridiculous hours we work, and he never minded any of Mer's quirks."
"Quirks?" Meredith, and Alex both repeated together, and Izzie shrugged
"You know..."
"No Iz do tell?" Meredith encouraged half in amusement as she watched Izzie squirm.
"What do you want Izzie to tell?"
Derek appeared in the kitchen, pulling his jumper over his head.
"Izzie here is about to tell us about my quirks?" Meredith replied fetching him the bowls, and cereal she knew he would want, and placing them on the table before returning to the coffee that was finally ready.
"Your quirks? It's a bit early for us to delve in to dark, and twisty Meredith isn't it?"
Derek took the mug of coffee she held out to him, and smiled.
"Thank you."
"Dark, and Twisty? Seriously! Oh my god that is perfect."
"And how twisty are you Mer?"
Alex teased, and ignoring the both of them Meredith clicked the lid onto her travel mug.
"We have to go."
Alex, and Izzie left the kitchen, but before she could follow Derek stopped her, pushing the kitchen door shut with his foot he pulled her in to the circle of his arms.
"I personally love dark, and twisty, especially the twisty."
"There will be no twisting of your sort in the near future, so whatever ideas you have in your dirty brain about tonight, forget them."
"Not forgotten, put on the back burner. I'm not sure I am in a fit state to do anything acrobatic in the near future anyway, my back is killing me."
Leaning up on tip toes, resting her free hand on his chest Meredith kissed him, it was soft, unhurried, and just when she could feel it changing in to something more she pulled away.
"What did I do to deserve that?"
"Slept on a crappy couch for me. Thank you."
"Your welcome. You better go, I'll see you later?"
"You will. Oh, and make sure the door locks behind you."
An argument that had started about Alex hogging the bathroom in the car, lasted all the way to the hospital, and unwilling to play referee Meredith crossed the lobby ahead of them, and concentrated instead on willing the caffeine to kick in. So successful was she at tuning her two room-mates out Meredith didn't hear Cristina's approach or her greeting. A touch of her hand on her arm caused her to jump, and nearly spill the coffee all down her front.
"Someone is jumpy…. And obviously hungover. Last night went well then?"
"He stormed out."
"Was he crying?"
"Was who crying?" Izzie had caught up with them by the time they reached the bank of elevators.
"McMopey."
"McMopey? I thought Derek was McDreamy?"
"Why would we be talking about McDreamy?"
"Him, and Mer got drunk together last night."
"They did huh?"
"She was on about Josh, and she is not going to repeat that name again. Its bad enough I have to listen to Derek moan because you have half the hospital calling him McDreamy."
"I'm sorry Mer it just can't be helped. Where I go, the masses follow."
There was nothing apologetic in her tone, or her grin before she turned to Izzie.
"So if you're calling Derek McDreamy does that mean all is forgiven, and your back to being annoying?"
"Derek has nothing to be forgiven for, Iz was in the wrong."
"Mer's right she should have kept her gob shut."
"Thank you Alex."
"No-one was asking Alex. And, just because I think Derek is an ass it doesn't mean I can't appreciate..."
"The ass." Cristina finished with a gleam of humour in her eyes as she looked at her best friend who had slunk to the back of the elevator.
"Shepherd will learn in no time just like everyone else has that its better to just appreciate the peace they get when you give them the silent treatment."
"That's what I told him."
"Funny. So Mer I think you should talk to Josh."
"I should?"
"No you shouldn't. If you talk to him, he's just going to say crap he doesn't mean,"
"Mer ignore Alex, go talk to him…"
"Look he got dumped by a hot chick who he was in love with, he's gonna be an ass."
"Especially when he got dumped in Joe's of all places."
"Seriously?"
"She can't help it she's a novice, she's only done it once before."
"And what did you do then?"
"She moved out here." Cristina answered for her, and when the other two laughed Meredith only scowled.
"You know Mer maybe you could explain you were just confused, and that now you have had time to think you..."
"No. Iz look I know you like him, I like him too which is why I ended it."
"But he..."
"If your about to go on again about how perfect he is then I will be the one to hurl. Do us all a favour, if you think he's so perfect then stop nagging Mer, and you date him, because it is too early for all this girl talk crap. So, she doesn't love him, that's life. He needs to move on, and get over it cos I am fed up already of hearing about it."
Meredith looked on in horror when she realised the elevator doors had opened long before Alex had finished his rant, and they weren't the only ones to appreciate it in it's entirety. Josh amongst a small group of hospital staff were stood waiting to get on the elevator, and the others turning to look back at Mer brought his attention along with everyone else's, as they fell silent. He met her gaze for a moment, and Meredith saw the same hurt she had seen last night shining there, surrounded by an anger she wasn't used too.
"Actually, I think I'll take the stairs."
"Sorry Mer,"
Alex muttered as they all moved back, but Cristina only nudged her with her elbow.
"So not so McMopey, he's more McBitter, the resentment is brewing behind that pretty face I can feel it! How wrong is it if I prefer him like this?"
"I'm glad you can find enjoyment in my misery."
"What can I say. Your a gift that just keeps giving,"
"Well if your really my best friend, you'll swap with me, and be on Cardio."
Considering the fact Cristina had been trying, and failing to get on, and stay on Hahn's service over the last few months Meredith knew it was a done deal with no persuasion needed to sweeten the pot.
"Done.. I shall enjoying working with McBitter, at least he won't be sucking up any more, and you can hide out in the E.R."
"Your a good friend."
"I am aren't I."
At this point of his shift Derek knew at any other time, or for any other person he would be regretting the sacrifice of not only a proper nights sleep, but of also spending the few short hours he did have not in an actual bed. The ache in his lower back, and stiffness in his neck that he couldn't seem to stretch out, made an afternoon of back to back surgeries that was his schedule today seem daunting, and the last thing he wanted to do. However, when the sacrifices had been made for Meredith, when it had meant he had been able to hold her, be there for her, then they seemed minimal in comparison to the lengths he would go to if she needed him too.
There had been far too many long lonely nights in New York for him to ever take for granted time spent with her again. It didn't matter to him that they were moving solely at her pace, he was understanding more with each passing day just how right his Father had been when he had said Meredith would have to turn her whole life upside down to accommodate him here. There was also enjoyment to be found in getting to know her again, reminding himself of all the little things he had always loved about her.
But, today, he was getting a sharp reminder in one of her skills he had always dreaded being on the receiving end of, and that was her mastery at avoiding people. However, he couldn't blame her, not when his arrival had been usurped from the number one gossip spot by her break up with Josh, and whatever Alex had accidentally shared this morning about her reasons for doing so. So far she had ignored all his pages, and had the cheek when he had resorted to paging her 911 to send an Intern in her place. The Intern either knew nothing of what his resident was up too, or had decided playing dumb was the safest bet, but either way had been no help.
Stood now in front of the O.R board his arm bent behind him trying again to ease the cramp in his muscles Derek was using his first break of the day to work through the list of names trying to garner some idea to where she could be hiding.
"I hope your not planning to mess with my board…?"
Derek hadn't even heard Richard approach, and turning he shared a smile of welcome with his old mentor, and new boss. This was the first time he had seen him since he signed the contracts, apart from the brief appearance Richard had made in a gallery above his O.R yesterday.
"I wasn't. I am admiring it though."
"It is a nice board isn't it. You settling in okay?"
"I am. From what I have seen so far Seattle does not disappoint."
"And the nickname?"
"I'm stuck with it apparently, and from what I know of the person who christened me with it, I am actually thankful I didn't get lumbered with something worse. I had an intern introduce themselves to me this morning with a number."
This earned a rich chuckle from Richard.
"I like the scrub cap by the way, bit different to what you usually go far."
"It was a Christmas present. It's getting it's first run out this afternoon. By the way you haven't seen Meredith have you? She's not on here, and I can't find her anywhere."
"Why, do you want to show her your new cap?"
"No, I wanted to have lunch with her."
Derek turned to find himself being scrutinised.
"What is that look for?"
"Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I did say something to you about not turning my hospital upside down didn't I?"
"I haven't done anything, I've been in surgery all morning. You can ask Mr Coleman who's frontal lobe I was in."
"Derek, you know everyone is talking, it won't be long before people make a connection between your arrival, and what's happened."
"I don't know what your talking about… And, why are you so interested anyway?"
"Ellis was a friend, and I..."
Richard started, but trailed off the moment he realised he no longer had Derek's attention. It was focused instead on the blonde woman walking towards them, and all of his own suspicions about the pair were confirmed with one look at Derek's face. It was a smile he had never seen before, and with a quick glance at Meredith he saw it was reciprocated, but not so overtly. It was a softening of the eyes, a curl of the lips that may have gone unnoticed if he hadn't once been the recipient of a similar look from her mother.
"There you are. You are a hard women to track down today. Does this mean we can grab lunch now?"
"That's what I came to tell you, I can't because I'm supervising the clinic for Bailey."
"I thought you were with Hahn?"
"I swapped with Cristina, and then…"
Meredith came to a stop as she realised the Chief was following along with their conversation.
"Hey Chief."
"Hello Meredith. Don't mind me I was just admiring Derek's scrub cap."
"Oh well they sell them in the gift shop downstairs Sir,"
Meredith said with a puzzled expression, but Derek only smirked
"I brought it from there for Christmas, Derek has had a thing for Ferry Boat's, he has done ever since we were kid's."
Richard turned to look at Derek.
"I thought that was a euphemism for something else..."
"Like what?"
Derek demanded laughter edging his voice, as the older man flushed with embarrassment.
"Never mind."
The older man said strolling off, and with the laughter fading Derek looked at Meredith, moving a fraction closer so they were within touching distance.
"So, I heard about this morning."
"About the elevator…? Yeah, I couldn't have embarrassed him any more."
"It wasn't your fault."
Derek wanted to comfort her, but he knew any overt sign of affection would be rejected, so instead he reached out, and squeezed her shoulder.
"It was why I swapped with Cristina… Plus she's been dying without Cardio."
"So that wasn't you trying to piss Josh off then."
"Oh god I didn't even think of that."
"I'm joking Mer. Look I'm clipping an aneurysm after lunch, do you fancy joining me…? We haven't had the chance to be in the O.R together yet."
"I can't, if it was anyone else I would, but it's Bailey. I'll see you later though."
"We're still on?"
"Why wouldn't we be?"
"You sent an Intern to answer your page… I thought maybe you would want to cancel?"
"I was busy, and I wanted Steve from under my feet,"
"Steve right, you know he introduced himself as Two?"
"What do you expect, he's one of Cristina's, or have you forgotten Dr McDreamy? I have to go, before they kill anyone, I'll wait at the car for you?"
"Okay. Mer…?"
"Yeah?"
Derek walked towards her, and just when she thought he was going to pass he bent his head.
"I love you."
"I know you do."
Meredith nodded with a fleeting smile before heading off back towards the bank of elevators to head back to the clinic. When one arrived just as she was approaching she hopped on, and it was too late to change her mind when she realised the only other occupant was Josh. For a few agonisingly awkward seconds no-one spoke, until with a deep breath Meredith forced herself to turn around, and face him. All morning she had been avoiding this meeting, but deep down she knew she owed him this, she owed him an apology, not just for this morning, but last night too.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but I am sorry, I'm sorry about the way I handled all of this, and I'm sorry, about earlier with Alex."
"You're right, I don't want to hear it."
Meredith turned back to look at the door, willing them to open, and to make it possible for her to escape from the man who was looking at her as if she was something who was leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
"But you can tell me if this is what Amelia meant, is this you going all dark, and damaged?"
"Dark, and twisty…"
Meredith corrected automatically, shocked that he had spoken again.
"Right. Dark, and Twisty… So is this it Mer? I've been thinking about it all night, and it feels like I have been here before. Every time I get close, or touch on something you don't want to talk about, like I did in New York, you run in the opposite direction...Is this just another line of defence, or did you mean it?"
I'm..."
"Do not say sorry. Just talk to me… If you don't love me just say it. I need to hear you say the words. I am that far in this, that even after this morning I keep hoping it's just you slamming on the brakes. Even now, when I want to hate you I am still here wanting you to love me, do you know how embarrassing that is?"
And, Meredith did know because she had once felt that very same way about Derek.
"On paper you're perfect for me, I know that. You are a great guy, and..."
"Stop! I don't want to hear what a great guy I am. I don't need you to try, and make me feel better, just tell me Meredith..."
"Josh..."
Meredith could feel the tears finally falling when she raised her eyes to meet his, and she flinched inwardly at the pain she had caused him which was so clear to see.
"I don't . I wanted too, but it's just not enough. You deserve more, you deserve to be the one, someone's one…."
"Just not yours… You know what's the worst thing? Since the day I met you, I was done, and I kept thinking you just needed a little more time, that one day I would be enough, but I never had a chance did I?"
Meredith wanted to say sorry, she wanted him to believe how sorry she was, and how much she did care for him, but she knew nothing she could say now would make a difference. The one thing Josh wanted from her, was the one thing she couldn't give him.
"Well thanks Mer, your silence says it all really doesn't it?."
He was gone the moment the door's opened, and moving to the back of the elevator Meredith tried to hide her tears from the people filing on. She froze when a hand touched her arm, but relaxed immediately when she realised it was George.
"You okay? You need me to get Cristina?"
"No I'm fine."
Those three words she knew would have set off every alarm bell in Derek's head, but thankfully George took them at face value, and settled alongside her.
"He'll come around,"
"No I don't think he will George, sometimes even without meaning, or wanting to, you do too much damage to forgive."
From the very instant he had seen Meredith waiting at his car Derek had known something had drastically changed since she had approached him at the O.R board a few hours previously. She barely spoke more than a few words, completely closed in on herself, and knowing the fact she had turned up meant though she may not want to talk right now, she did want to be there, he simply stretched a hand out, and took hold of hers. Her first show of interest came when he parked the car a few minutes walk from the clearing where he had stationed the trailer, and ran around to open the passenger door for her.
"Where are we?"
"Wait, and see."
Still holding on to her hand, Derek knew she must be able to feel the clamminess of his palm, as he fought the nerves that had turned his stomach into a massive knot by concentrating on her face, watching for that first reaction when she saw his new home. By the time they stepped into the clearing his heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he was sure she must be able to hear it as she came to a sudden stop.
Derek waited in anticipation as she stared open mouthed at the trailer, then back at him as if she wasn't sure any of this was real.
"All this is mine. It's forty acres, I own forty acres of Seattle, and though I have no idea what we are going to do with it, the one thing I do know is, I want to share it with you."
"With me?"
"Not yet, I know your not ready. So, for now it can just be where we come to get away from everyone else, to be us."
"I think we need that…"
"We do. And, in the future, whenever your ready I want this to be our home. To be our fresh start."
"I can't believe you brought a trailer? You do know what your sister's will say?"
"I do, that this is my version of a flashy sports car."
"Yep. You know you were right, this is very Seattle."
Meredith reminded him of his quote from a few days ago, as she dropped his hand to walk further on ahead, staring around her as if she was still trying to drink it all in. She came to a stop, and turning back round with a wide smile she held out her hand. Derek laughed jogging to catch up with her, his heart light with joy, and excitement when she pulled him closer, and pressed a hard urgent kiss to his lips before dragging him towards the steps.
"So I remember something about you promising to feed me."
"I did say that didn't I. Come on, I'll give you a tour."
Her shift in mood lasted all through the preparation, and eating of the dinner he had promised her, but once he had cleared away the plates Derek could feel her mood crack, as she kicked off her shoes, and laid back on the double bed.
"I did tell you you would be sharing my bed."
"Yes, you did. There still won't be any sex though."
"This has never been about sex Mer…Right now it's enough to just be with you, I meant everything I have said about wanting us to know each other again, to start over, you must know that by now?"
"Derek Christopher Shepherd doesn't want sex? Whatever club you are in with Mark, I think you just renounced your membership."
"He already kicked me out when he realised I wasn't going to compete with him in bedding the female population of New York."
Derek threw back as he joined her on the bed, he didn't reach for her right away, instead he waited for her to move closer, and when her head settled above his heart he wrapped an arm around her.
"And I do know. This, all of this, what you have done, if I didn't before, I would by now. You moved across the country to be here Derek, you brought land, actual land… I don't need words with actions like that."
"Good."
Derek bent his head forward, and pressed a kiss into her hair.
"And, I know something happened today, and if you don't want to tell me about it that's fine. But, from someone who has been where he is I know whatever he has said he didn't mean it, and he's probably regretting it right about now too. It's a cliché, but just give him time."
Meredith led there listening to his heart beating away beneath her ear as she thought over what he had said, her mind repeatedly going back to the nine words which stuck out so clearly as wrong. She was tempted to just let it go, to close her eyes, and let sleep claim her so she could have just a few hours of peace. However, what he had done tonight, for her, for the future he saw for them meant it was impossible to let it go.
"You were never in the same position he was, I have never not loved you. I've never picked someone else over you Derek. It's you. I always choose you, over everyone. Even when I knew it was wrong, and would blow up in my face, I still chose you."
As she spoke Meredith had raised on to her elbow, and when he opened his mouth to speak she shook her head.
"I am terrified. I am still so scared this won't work, that I will have to somehow find the strength to leave you again, and that is why you have never been where he is, because despite that I am still here with you. He never had that, he never had me to lose, not really."
Derek nodded, there was so much he wanted to say, but Meredith laid her head back down as if she had used the last bit of energy she had, so Derek tangled his fingers into her hair, and held her to him.
"I love you."
He thought she had fallen asleep, until she spoke in a faint whisper he had to strain to her.
"I love you too."
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