Reference to: 'The Hook-Up Reverberation'; 'The Closure Alternative'
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After putting on her comfy clothes Penny made her way across the hall to 4A and entered.
"Hey Sheldon," she said.
"Leonard's not here," Sheldon mumbled as he sat in front of his computer with his arms folded over his chest and a scowl on his face.
"Yeah, he said he was out with Raj." She sat on the arm of the couch. "So why the glum face?"
Sheldon let out a disgruntled sigh.
"Two weeks ago I had Wolowitz recreate my profile for the same internet dating site he used to find Amy," he said.
"Okay. So far so good. Any hits?"
"One."
"Even better. Who is she?" Penny asked as she came to stand behind Sheldon.
"Her name is Shalala. She's an exiled Nigerian princess who needs some funds in order to reclaim her title through the court system."
"You didn't reply to this, did you?" Penny gasped.
"Did you know she didn't even have the vaguest idea as to how to proceed with filing an appeals application?" tsked Sheldon.
"Sheldon, it's a scam."
"I know it's a scam."
"So why did you answer it?"
"Because it's the only inquiry I got." Another exasperated sigh. "I don't know what the problem is. Howard said Amy latched on to me in less than twenty four hours. Now it's been three weeks and nothing."
"Not everyone's successful at internet dating," Penny said diplomatically. "Hey, let me have a look at your profile."
Sheldon clicked to the screen before getting up for a bottled water. Penny sat in the chair and read:
Greetings fellow life-form.
While I believe the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum I nevertheless have decided to post this profile as a ridiculous endeavor to attract a potential mate for establishing a mutually amenable relationship of the mind.
My credentials include multiple doctorates in physics and mathematics and a life membership in the Justice League of America.
Subjects you should be familiar with include trains, physics, the Klingon language, basic survival skills in the event of an emergency or apocalyptic disaster or zombie attack and the pros and cons of establishing a new 52 universe in a previously established and well maintained post Crisis on Infinite Earths setting. A driver's license and vehicle are an asset.
Those interested in the exploits of Riverdale High or are from Nebraska need not apply.
Live long and prosper.
"What's wrong with Nebraskans?" Penny snapped.
"I don't want someone whose life experiences include cow-tipping, corn-shucking and extolling worldly advice in a folksy jargon."
"What about you mother? She gives worldly advice in a folksy jargon."
"She speaks Texan," said Sheldon as he went to his spot on the couch and sat.
"So?"
"So it's a dialect of its own. You don't hear people say, 'He spoke to her in a heavy Nebraskan accent.'" Penny rolled her eyes. "But back to my initial quandary, I'm not sure what to do regarding the dating site."
"Well, for one thing maybe you should take off your Vulcan salute profile picture," Penny began. "And maybe tweak the rest of it by getting rid of a few things."
"Like what?"
"Everything." Sheldon pursed his lips.
"It worked before," he said crisply. "Amy Farrah Fowler came out as a match."
Penny closed the laptop and spun the computer chair to face her friend.
"Maybe we should start with something simple. What are you looking for in a mate?" she asked.
"Hmm." Sheldon cocked his head in thought. "Well she has to be intelligent—particularly in the sciences—and overall be interesting. Complete reverence for me also works."
"Eyah." Penny got out of the chair and went to the end of the couch. "Well, if the girls won't come to you, you've gotta go to the girls."
"I already looked through several profiles. Too many of them 'heart' this and 'colon right parenthesis' that," Sheldon said with a look of distaste.
"I mean in real life. Not on a computer." Sheldon snorted. "Look, Leonard took a chance."
"He went across the hall."
"It's still further than the living room," Penny retorted.
"Point." Sheldon looked to his neighbor. "I believe this is the time to enact the integral part of the implied covenant of friendship."
"A favor?" she asked, her stomach sinking. "Like what?"
"Wolowitz and Leonard had a covenant that if either had a girlfriend the other would set up the single friend with one of his girlfriend's friends."
"You mean you want me to set up a blind date?" said Penny.
"She doesn't have to be visually impaired but I'll leave that to your judgment," Sheldon said evenly.
Penny blinked hard before exiting the apartment.
"Who the frak can I set up with Sheldon?" she said as she crossed the hall and entered her apartment.
It was a delicate process. it had to be someone nice enough for Sheldon and at the same time no big loss if she never spoke to Penny again after the date.
Penny picked up her phone and plunked on her couch and began to scroll her contacts.
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"Studying up?" Bernadette asked as she munched on a carrot stick in the pharmaceutical company dining hall.
"No, something even more complex—getting Sheldon a date," Penny said distractedly as she scrolled her phone. With a sigh she put it down by her lunch tray. "I keep going over who I know but I just can't see anyone with him. I mean Cheesecake Factory people or actors?"
"Yeah, I can't see that either."
"Then there's the added twist to this—it can't be someone bad or I don't give a crap about because this is Sheldon I'm helping and he's my friend and I love him; but then again she can't be someone I really like because, again, this is Sheldon we're talking about. He'll most likely eat her for breakfast and I'll never talk to her again." Penny snorted. "I'll probably be on her 'mortal enemies' list."
"So what made you set me up with Howard?" asked Bernadette before taking a bite of her chicken salad.
"Since you're super nice I thought that if anyone had a chance to last an entire date before telling him you never wanted to see him again it'd be you," smirked Penny. Bernadette laughed. "Plus he's short."
"Well if we follow the same pattern we need someone uber nice." Bernadette thought for a moment. "How about Amanda? She's pretty nice."
"Gee, I dunno. She was one of the first people here to say hello to me." Penny replied.
"Just as a question, why are you helping Sheldon?"
"He asked as a favor." Penny peppered her own salad. "I couldn't say no."
"But what about Amy? If you get Sheldon a girlfriend she'll be devastated," Bernadette warned.
"So what do I do?" asked Penny.
"Tell Sheldon the truth—you don't know anyone suitable to go out with him."
"But that's not the truth," Penny said with a slight frown. "The truth is that I'm not supposed to get him a girlfriend because I'm friends with Amy and she will take him back when she's good and ready."
"Yeah, I don't think I'd tell Sheldon that," Bernadette said diplomatically as she ate.
Penny went to take another bite of salad but lowered the fork to the bowl.
"He's lonely," she said seriously. "I've seen him stand-offish and crazy and a pain in the ass but never this." Penny looked squarely at Bernadette. "I'd be a real jerk if I didn't try."
"Then that answers your problem," Bernadette said evenly. Penny looked at her questioningly. "Hey, you threw me under the Wolowitz bus so why have a conscience now?"
"Amanda it is," Penny said with a smirk. "So what do I say to her? 'I've got a real good guy I want you to meet. What's your opinion on Star Trek, comic books and physics?'"
"Keep to the basics," Bernadette said. "Sheldon's a double doctorate, a junior professor in physics, tall, blue-eyed, hygienic. That way when she comes at you afterwards you can say that you didn't lie to her."
"Man, I feel guilty about this," Penny sighed.
"Me too. Fortunately I'm Catholic so I can confess this all away on Sunday," Bernadette said sweetly before continuing to eat.
"Okay," Penny said as she did her best to psych herself up. "Amanda. Amanda." She nearly bore a hole into Bernadette's head with her eyes. "And no telling Amy about this."
"Are you kidding?" gasped Bernadette. "She'll say I helped you out. That makes me guilty by delusional crazy lady."
"There's Amanda," said Penny as an average height brunette wearing a smart looking loose tank top and cardigan walked by with her lunch tray. "Wish me luck!"
Penny left the table with her own tray.
"Maybe I'll make a donation to the Church, too," Bernadette sighed.
XXX
Leonard took off his glasses as Penny turned off the lamp before both settled in her bed.
"So I got Sheldon a date," Penny said after a moment.
"Really? You have Bernadette grow something in the lab?" chuckled Leonard.
"Nothing that drastic—although I'll keep that in mind if he asks again," grinned Penny. "But seriously, Amanda's a pharma rep like me only she has a degree in business. I realize it isn't science but at least it's a degree, right?" She sighed. "I wish I knew some of the scientists a little better. Bernadette wasn't willing to cough any of them up."
"Hey, us scientists aren't only attracted to other scientists, y'know," Leonard said. He leaned over and they kissed before he settled back in his spot.
"Now here's where we come in—"
"'We come in'? Are you nuts?"
"Leonard, I can't just send Amanda out alone with Sheldon," said Penny. "I told her it'd be a double date."
"What did I do to deserve this?" Leonard groaned.
"Who said our relationship was 'for better or worse'?"
"Yeah but I didn't say 'for better or Sheldon'." Penny whacked his arm with her elbow. "Fine, we'll go."
"Thank you," said Penny and closed her eyes.
"Listen," Leonard said slowly. "I wanted to talk to you about something and since you owe me big time—"
"Yeah, yeah, get on with it."
"Raj, Howard, Sheldon and I were thinking about investing in another comic book store for Stuart."
"Really?" Penny said as she turned her head towards him. "I thought he was starving all the time and nearly homeless when he ran his store?"
"Well so were you but I still liked you," Leonard quipped. He smiled at the sound of Penny's raspberry. "Seriously, with Sheldon's business skills and Stuart's friendliness it'll be good. Plus we'll have our comic books at a forty percent discount so that'll save money."
"Hey, it's your money," said Penny. Leonard turned on his side to face her.
"No, it's our money," he amended.
"What am I gonna do with cheap comic books, sprinkle them on the bed like rose petals?" she snorted.
"Well you could, although we'd have to pick them up before we slept so I wouldn't recommend doing it on a weeknight."
Penny put her hand to her forehead.
"Leonard, do what you want. Just because we're getting married doesn't mean we go into everything fifty/fifty. Comic books are your passion. I'm okay with that."
"And you said I'm your passion," Leonard said happily. "And I'm okay with that, too."
Again they kissed before settling back to sleep.
"I really like what I'm doing, Leonard," said Penny. "These drugs I sell can really do wonders. Well, and kill you sometimes but that's only a rare side effect." They both chuckled. "Having money and a career, I feel like I'm becoming a whole new person." She smiled. "I'm finally getting passionate about something like I used to be when I wanted to be an actress."
"Don't forget you're still in the three month probation period," said Leonard seriously. "Things can happen."
"Downer, Leonard."
"I just don't want you to be disappointed if things don't work out."
"I won't—because things will work out. My psychic told me," Penny said happily.
"Oh, well then who am I to argue?" Leonard said in an even voice, glad she couldn't see his eyes rolling in the dark.
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"Sheldon?" Penny asked as she stood in front of his bedroom door.
"It's open," he called.
Penny opened the door to find him on his bed reading an article on his laptop.
"Hey, listen, I just wanted to go over what we're doing tonight," she said. "You know, so things go okay."
"Why wouldn't they go 'okay'?" Sheldon replied without looking up. "I'm meeting Amanda at the apartment before proceeding to the restaurant. Nothing complex about that."
In a normal situation talking with a normal guy Penny would have left it at that. But this was Sheldon.
"Yeah, okay. Well let's go over some ground rules. One, no talking about trains or Star Trek."
"What if she brings up the topics?" asked Sheldon as his head rose to face his neighbor.
"Won't happen," Penny said firmly. "Secondly, you're there to get to know her not her opinion on global warming or if she knows the fiber content of her favorite cereal." She blanched. "And for God's sake don't ask about her bowel movements or menstrual cycle!"
"Penny, while I don't like engaging in social exchanges I'm not ignorant of the intricacies of 'chit-chatting'," Sheldon said derisively. "By direct questioning and observing social clues I will ascertain whether Amanda is suitable to date."
"So why do you talk to me about my time of the month?" Penny smirked.
"You're my neighbor, Leonard's fiancée and my friend. Since you're so involved in my life it's imperative for my wellbeing if I'm appraised of your menses cycle so I'll know when to give you allowance for being hormonally unstable," Sheldon replied. He took in her grin. "Plus I feel comfortable enough with you to ask more detailed questions."
"That's great," Penny said. "Uh, not the subject matter but the sentiment."
"Indeed." His eyes went back to his article. "Now if we've concluded our conversation I'd like to finish this before I get ready."
"Sure, sure." Penny turned to go but stopped. "Oh, what are you planning to wear?"
"It's a date. I have readily available 'date night' clothes."
"Okay, cool."
Sheldon looked at her curiously and Penny cracked an awkward smile before exiting the room and closing the door.
"That wasn't too bad," she said to herself. "Maybe things will be okay after all."
XXX
"I've got a bad feeling about this," mumbled Leonard as he adjusted his tie in his bedroom.
"That's why we're going as moral support," replied Penny.
"For Sheldon or your friend?"
"Uh, eyah. And I wouldn't quite call her a friend." Leonard snorted.
"After tonight I wouldn't recommend calling her at all," he quipped. Penny stuck out her tongue.
"Come on, let's get this going. Amanda's in the living room with Sheldon."
The pair left his bedroom and went to the living room.
"Peanut butter," Sheldon said to Amanda as the pair sat on the couch. "Smooth or crunchy?"
"Uh, crunchy," Amanda replied. Sheldon made a face. "Although I like smooth, too, sometimes."
"Sounds like you lack commitment," he tsked. "I don't know if I like people who whiffle-whaffle."
The brunette's brown eyes widened in a cross between 'what the hell?' and relief as Penny and Leonard arrived.
"So, ready to eat?" Penny said overenthusiastically.
"We're eating Chinese," said Sheldon as Amanda and he got off the couch. "Because it's Friday and Friday's Chinese food night. Usually we get take out from Szechuan Palace but since you're here tonight will be a treat—we'll be eating in at Szechuan Palace." Sheldon smiled awkwardly before they went to and out the door. "Now, jam or jelly? And please have an opinion this time."
"A really bad feeling about this," Leonard said again with a shake of the head as he grabbed his keys.
Penny said nothing, already busy removing Amanda from her contacts page on her phone.
XXX
Out of the corner of her eye Amanda took in her 'date' as they sat in the back seat of Leonard's car. There was no question Sheldon was handsome; in fact the moment the door opened at the apartment and she saw him in a crisp grey shirt and sports jacket she made a mental note to thank Penny for finding such a catch. And a professor at a university no less! She couldn't understand how someone like this could be single.
And then Sheldon opened his mouth.
There was no doubt in her mind that Sheldon Cooper was completely nuts.
"Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?" Sheldon asked.
"Sheldon, maybe that's enough questions for now," Leonard said as he drove.
"But how am I supposed to get to know Amanda if I don't query her?" Sheldon asked, puzzled.
"Why not try conversation?"
"Alright." Sheldon politely cleared his throat as he turned his head to address Amanda. "In a world where stuffed animals roam free—"
"No counterfactuals!" Leonard cried.
"Fine," Sheldon pouted as he sat back in his seat. He composed himself and then again addressed his seatmate with an awkward smile. "Hello."
"Hello," Amanda replied tentatively.
"See, this isn't going to work at all," Sheldon said excitedly to Leonard.
"So, Amanda, where are you from?" Penny asked in an overly bubbly voice.
"Detroit," she replied.
"The home of Motown," Sheldon said.
"Absolutely," Amanda grinned.
"Also the highest murder rate per city with a greater than one hundred thousand population in the United States. Just by exiting the city your life expectancy has gone up substantially."
"Yeah," grumped Amanda as she took out her phone and texted Penny.
Penny took out her phone and read, 'KMN'.
Not bad, Penny thought. At least Amanda's not homicidal.
XXX
"Are you ready to order?" asked the waiter. Of course he recognized Leonard and Sheldon from all the years they'd eaten in or got take out from the restaurant but what confused him were the two normal, and, to be honest, nice looking women sitting with them.
"We'll start with four vegetarian dumplings," said Sheldon. "We'll also have shrimp-fried rice—" He looked to Leonard.
"Lemon chicken," he said.
"Sweet and sour veggies," said Penny.
"And vegetable chop suey," said Amanda as she closed her menu.
"Here we go," sighed Leonard.
"We can't have chop suey," Sheldon said firmly.
"Why not?" Amanda asked wearily.
"Because we're eating Chinese food."
"So why can't she order chop suey?" asked Penny. Leonard closed his eyes and gave a soft groan.
"Penny," Sheldon said as he straightened in his seat. "Chop suey is predominantly an American Chinese dish, not Asiatic Chinese."
"So?" He pursed his lips.
"So we're eating in a Szechwan Palace not the Pasadena Palace."
"But we're in Pasadena," said Penny with a bit of a frown. "And the food is being made in an American Chinese restaurant."
"But on the sign it says that Szechwan Palace offers authentic Szechwan cuisine," Sheldon said smugly.
An idea came to Leonard.
"Yes, but by 'authentic Szechwan cuisine' do they mean Szechwan food or cuisine made by Szechwan chefs?" he asked.
"Hmm." Sheldon sat back in thought.
"We'll have the vegetable chop suey," Leonard said happily.
"Can't have it. We already have two vegetable dishes," Sheldon said distractedly.
"How about if I order chicken chop suey?" asked Amanda desperately.
Sheldon turned to the waiter.
"What's your chicken to vegetable ratio?" he asked.
"Sheldon, just order the chicken chop suey!" Leonard gasped.
"Fine. Let's enjoy our 'Szechwan Chinese food'," Sheldon said using air quotes with his fingers.
With a shake of the head and a muttering or two in Mandarin the waiter left for the kitchen.
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Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"Door's open, Sheldon," she called. Sheldon entered.
"Hey," said Leonard from the kitchen table as he sat drinking coffee. "What's up?"
"I was just thinking about our date last night. I think it went quite well," said Sheldon brightly.
Penny and Leonard looked at each other.
"Really?" Leonard asked incredulously. "What makes you think that?"
"We had polite conversation, dinner and drove her back to her apartment. A textbook date if there ever was one," Sheldon said evenly.
"Yeah, about that," said Penny. "I don't think Amanda wants to pursue anything with you."
"Well that's a relief," sighed Sheldon. "The chop suey incident I could overlook but crunchy over smooth peanut butter?" He shook his head. "Obviously next time you'll have to vet out your prospective date."
Penny's eyes widened.
"Next time?" she squeaked before looking desperately at Leonard. She couldn't afford to make many more enemies at work.
"Sheldon, maybe Penny's friends aren't right for you," said Leonard slowly. "You know, different spheres of interests. I mean, come on, crunchy peanut butter?"
"Perhaps you're right," said Sheldon. "Penny's workplace offers nothing but biologists and business majors." He paused as he looked to Penny. "And of course community college drop outs."
"Yeah, yeah," she growled.
"I need someone more academically inclined with an interesting line of work," Sheldon nodded thoughtfully.
"And the patience of a saint," Penny said as she went to the kitchen for more coffee.
"I'd prefer an atheist," Sheldon said seriously. "I've had enough religion from my mother."
Penny rolled her eyes even as Leonard smiled into his cup of coffee.