~What Am I Feeling?~
~Chapter 17- Strengthening A Bond~
Being apart was not something Albus and Scorpius was used to. Let alone being apart and not talking at all.
They had hardly said two words to each other since the whole situation with Chris about a week ago, despite being in all each other's classes and living in the same room. Scorpius spent most his time with Chris now, trying to get to know his boyfriend better and maybe learn to love him more. So far, it wasn't working too well. Albus was either with Danielle, his other friends in Ravenclaw or some of his family members. He definitely wasn't short on company, yet somehow it still wasn't the same without Scorpius. It was never the same without Scorpius.
Scorpius was very hurt after Albus admitting he had sex with Danielle. The only reason he had done it was to retaliate on Scorpius kissing Chris. When he looked at it that way, he actually felt sorry for Danielle because it was obvious Albus was just using her in that aspect. But really, he was mainly angry that Albus had assumed he was doing that himself. Unlike Albus it would seem, Scorpius really did want to be with Chris because Chris was a lovely person and he was sure the potential of falling in love was there, it just need to be found deep down.
Albus was a different matter entirely. He wasn't feeling any resentment towards Scorpius at all, he knew he was in the wrong. He had misunderstood what Scorpius and Chris were doing outside near the lake, yes he knew that, although he still didn't think he had misunderstood Chris' intentions. But he knew Scorpius didn't want to go that far with Chris now and he knew he hadn't been doing it to taunt him either. But in an angry fit, he had done something quite regretting thinking he was getting back at his friend. It had only caused more problems.
The Potter wanted more than anything to make up with the Malfoy, but Scorpius was having none of it. He was determined to stay as distant as possible from Albus and so far it was working. He was also hell-bent on making Albus feel the way he did. He knew Albus already did feel jealous for whatever reason, but he wanted to continue with this game of envy and slight deceit. Albus had challenged him and neither of them understood it completely but they kept doing it.
It came to the Easter Holidays after probably the slowest week since they had come to Hogwarts and it didn't take a genius to work out why.
They simply missed each other.
However no matter how much Scorpius missed his friend, he had hurt him and he wasn't going to give in.
Scorpius dragged his trunk onto the platform, the cage with his owl inside clasped under his arm. He would brush his hair out his eyes, only to have it fall back and block his view every few seconds.
Scorpius spotted Louis in conversation with one of his housemates and decided that it would be best to bid farewell to the Veela after all the advice and help he had given him this term.
Louis saw Scorpius approached and broke out of the discussion with his fellow Gryffindor and turned to Scorpius with a wide grin.
"Oh Scorpius, going back to your parents for Easter?" Louis wrapped his arms around the boy who was still carrying lots of bags and Scorpius couldn't help but notice that Louis was empty handed.
"Yeah… you going to yours?" Scorpius asked in return, tilted his head to the side as he relaxed for a moment.
"Of course!" Louis cried out flamboyantly, "And Martino is coming over for a few days so looking forward to that. Planning on seeing Chris over the holidays?"
"Um… He mentioned going into Muggle London, so we'll probably be going there."
Louis raised his eyebrows, "What about Albus?"
Scorpius shrugged, bringing his chin to his chest, "We haven't really been speaking."
"So I've noticed," Louis' tone turned hushed, "I just don't understand why you can't both admit you're in love with each other and be done with it! It would make it so much simpler."
"Well, life isn't that simple I guess…" Scorpius cast his stormy orbs towards his owl, ensuring it was okay.
"I guess…"
"I just wanted to say, thank you for all you've done for me this term," Scorpius smiled softly, "You've really helped me out and I'm really grateful. Thank you."
"Oh pish posh Scorpius," Louis chuckled, yet with a humble smile, "It was no problem. We're friends now, and you can come to me for anything."
After the two blondes exchanged farewells, Martino came to meet up with Louis, also saying goodbye to Scorpius. It just so happened, that Martino was the one who was holding all of Louis' bags.
The Ravenclaw decided it was probably time to board that magnificent red train that would bring him home. He would need to find a seat after all.
Just as he was about to step onto the train, he spotted Chris coming towards him, also with his bags. That charming beam radiated across his face as he ran towards his boyfriend.
"Hey Scorpius," Chris panted, pecking the smaller boy's cheek quickly, "Who are you sitting with?"
"Um… no one most likely," Scorpius shook his head and it clocked what he should do, "Do you want to sit with me?"
Chris' grin only grew bigger, "I would love to."
Chris took Scorpius' bags and the younger was grateful, yet embarrassed that he had to have someone else to carry them for him.
As they walked along the thin corridor on the train, chatting lightly and checking each compartment for spare seats, Albus was strolling towards them from the opposite direction with Danielle on his arm. Albus' eyes widened, startled when he saw Scorpius and Chris.
Their paths finally crossed and their was an awkward moment as they tried to pass each other. Scorpius attempted to not let his Albus' gazes meet, but he knew that no matter what they always did anyway.
"Are you going back to the Manor?" Albus questioned uncomfortably, in a strangely feeble voice for him.
"Yes…" Scorpius nodded, careful not to say anything else.
"Will I see you…?" The brown haired boy said uncertainly, not wanting to cross the boundary in their recently weakened relationship.
"Probably not." Scorpius sharply said as he and Chris slipped past.
Albus stood their dumbfounded for a second. Two weeks without seeing Scorpius…? Well Albus couldn't even imagine it. Since they had met, they had barely even spent a week apart, in holidays alternating between each other's houses or going out together. During school, there was no question about them being together most the time. Even the past week with them hardly speaking, at least Albus was around Scorpius to know he was okay and things like that. He worried for the boy otherwise.
Scorpius and Chris marched off to find their own compartment, Chris noticing the icy behaviour between the two friends. He thought it was better not to ask; it was between them and he didn't need to get involved anymore than he did before.
The train journey went fairly quickly, mostly due to Scorpius falling asleep on Chris' shoulder for the second half of the time. Chris had welcomed him into his arms when he had began to sleep.
The train started to pull up at platform nine and three quarters and Chris shook Scorpius awake. He let his eyelids flutter open, only to see parents and siblings standing on the platform waiting for them. He peered out the window and noticed his own parents.
And then it occurred to Scorpius that he was with Chris around his parents. His parents could quite possibly see him with Chris and realise there was something happening. He didn't want to tell Chris that he couldn't see him over the holidays nor that they needed to be careful or anything; really, Scorpius was just plain embarrassed to. It was a delicate topic and Scorpius wasn't sure whether he could tell Chris quite yet about family issues.
After a small discussion about it, Chris had persuaded Scorpius that he would carry Scorpius' bags again. Scorpius had to tell Chris that he was too nice for his own goods, Chris had laughed at that.
As he stepped of the train, Scorpius was unfortunately a few metres away from Mr and Mrs Potter, eagerly awaiting their three children. Mrs Potter opened her arms out as she saw Scorpius and the Malfoy cringed but smiled at the older woman.
"Scorpius dear!" She kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly, startling the boy a bit, "How are you?"
"I-I'm great thanks, Mrs Potter." Scorpius stuttered, knowing they had no idea about Chris as well as him and Albus' disagreement.
"Scorpius," Harry clapped a hand on the blonde's shoulder with a smirk, "Albus with you?"
"U-uh…" Scorpius lowered his head in fright, looking to Chris for help, "No… He's with Danielle."They raised their eyebrows knowingly and Harry nodded, "Oh, I see."
"And who's this, Scorpius?" Ginny held a hand out for Chris, "A friend."
Scorpius blushed, but smiled softly between Chris and Ginny, "This is Chris."
"It's nice to meet you, Mrs Potter." Chris grinned charmingly, shaking her hand firmly.
"Well, we'll leave you both to see your parents," Harry turned to Scorpius again, "We'll see you over the holidays, Scorpius."
Mr and Mrs Potter moved down the platform, towards James and also Lily who had just got off the train. Scorpius breathed a sigh of relief.
Suddenly, Chris starting waving over the crowd. Scorpius watched him in confusion when Chris' hand slipped into his.
"My parents are here. I should go soon," Chris' other hand joined his again, "We'll see each other soon, won't we?"
Scorpius nodded almost immediately. He knew he would need to company over the holidays without Albus, "Write to me."
Just as Chris was leaning forward for a kiss, Scorpius' mother and father came into clear view, staring straight at him. Their faces were painted with curiosity as they saw their son with a boy other than Albus, which was unusual. He panicked for a moment in his head, but his thoughts weren't put into actions quick enough and his lips were captured in a sweet kiss.
He froze on the spot, his eyes wide with fear. Chris' were shut firmly, enjoying the kiss with his boyfriend thinking there was no harm done. Both Draco and Astoria stopped in their track, also motionless as they watched their son being kissed by another boy.
So many emotions ran through the family at that point in time. Scorpius was mostly scared. He was absolutely terrified about how his father would react and what he would think of him now. There were reasons that he had kept it quiet from his parents, reasons he had been so secretive and it were those reasons he was so scared.
Astoria and Draco were really just confused. Seeing your son with another boy was something baffling and quite upsetting. Of course they had expectations for him. Astoria just wanted him to be happy and wanted him to marry a lovely girl and have lots of lovely grand-children. Draco wanted the same, though he would prefer it if it were a pure-blood girl. But this was a life-changing moment. The possible breakdown of a relationship.
Scorpius soon pulled away, Chris handing over Scorpius' bags and bidding farewell to his boyfriend. He walked away, blissfully unaware of the trouble he had probably just caused his boyfriend.
Scorpius and his parents met in the middle. The Ravenclaw crept up to them, ashamed though he knew really he shouldn't be. It was who he was and if his parents loved and cared for him, they would accept him for who he is. Though… he knew it wouldn't be that simple.
He was shaking. It was now that he wished Albus was here. It was now that he wished he and Albus were talking so he could support him, hold his hand and tell him it was all going to be okay. Albus would be the only one who could ever get him through a situation like this. He didn't know whether he could do it alone. He almost had the urge to run to Al now so he could help him but he knew he couldn't.
He had to deal with this by himself.
He had to tell his parents.
"Hello mother, father…" Scorpius said with an awfully shaky voice, obvious to his parents.
Draco did not say a word, but instead just snatched Scorpius' bags from his hands, giving Scorpius a stern glance. He turned away from his son, wanting to try and be as emotionally detached in this situation as possible.
Astoria was unlike Draco and instead enclosed her son in a tight embrace while a soft blubber broke out through his throat, "Ssh, darling. Come on, let's go home."
As they made their way home, Scorpius was supported in his mother's arms the entire time. Draco marched a few steps ahead of them, ensuring no eye contact whatsoever. It was needless to say that other witches and wizards had noticed what was going on and would soon understand the situation completely once their children told them of Scorpius' coming out.
They got to the Floo Network and Draco hurriedly paid for some powder for each of them. Astoria concentrated on her distraught son. At the moment, what she was most upset about was the fact Scorpius didn't feel he could tell even her.
They soon arrived home and by now, Scorpius was crying with no restraint, though he still wasn't too hysterical. He wasn't sorry nor did he regret his realisation about his sexuality because it was still who he was.
Astoria stood with her hands on Scorpius' shoulders as Draco ordered the house elves to take Scorpius' bags up to his room. Scorpius took that as a good sign, because at least it meant his father wasn't going to send him away.
Finally, Draco turned to meet Scorpius' eyes and Scorpius felt faintly relieved when he wasn't greeted by complete anger, but actually some sense of willingness to understand, "I think we need to talk, Scorpius."
Scorpius nodded in agreement and he was soon led towards what was their 'tea room' as he and Albus nicknamed it the few times he had been here, because Scorpius' mum always had friends over for tea in there. Albus didn't come to Malfoy manor often, Scorpius would mostly go to Al's house or they would meet up in Diagon Alley or somewhere else in London. Draco didn't particulary like Albus very much. In fact, he didn't like him at all. He thought that Albus was big-headed and far too confident for his own good. Basically, Albus reminded Draco of Harry and that was never a good thing.
The room was considerably brighter than most of the others, with warm coloured furniture and family pictures on the walls.
They all sat in comfortable chairs around a table, Scorpius fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt as his tears died down.
For a few minutes, they stayed seated in an awkward silence, none of them knowing how to confront the situation at hand. It was something strange but mostly uncertain. Really, Scorpius' parents didn't know how they were supposed to feel right now.
"Well… I think I should just say what we're both thinking," Draco was the first to talk, exchanging fleeting looks between his wife and son. He lowered his head, almost mumbling, "Scorpius, are you gay?"
Scorpius hid behind his head, taking a deep breath and whispering a small: "Yes."
Both Astoria and Draco scrunched their eyes together, Draco running fingers through his hair in frustration but tried to stay as calm as possible for the sake of his son, "Why didn't you tell us?"
"I-I only realised this term," Scorpius admitted, a couple of tears rolling down his white with fear cheeks, "My feelings have been messed up for a while now. B-but I don't know… it all kind of fell into place in my mind and heart…"
"That boy?" Astoria tried to comprehend desperately, "That boy who is he?"
"His name is Chris…" His parents watched him as if they wished for him to expand, "He's my b-boyfriend…"
The elder Malfoys let out an exasperated gasp. Astoria threw her eyes to the ceiling, wishing for no tears to fall. Draco rubbed his face with his hands and over his eyes, "You're in your first relationship… you're in your first relationship with a boy and you don't tell us?" Draco raised his voice, only a tiny bit but it still startled Scorpius.
Another wave of tears overcame him, "I-I'm sorry for not telling you father… I'm not s-sorry for who I am, because I shouldn't have to be sorry for that. I w-would have told you… I was just so frightened to see how you would react. I thought you wouldn't accept me…"
Draco stared at his son in the state he was. The thing about Draco was… he was not his father. He really did truly love Scorpius and care for him. He loved raising and seeing the child grow up into a young man. But to think that he had been hiding such an important aspect of himself made Draco's heart hurt. His father never did love him wholly and for who he was. If he had been in this situation with his own father, Lucius would have exploded and most likely never spoken to him again.
He didn't want Scorpius to be gay. He would be lying if he said he didn't mind at all. He wasn't completely sure about it and would rather he was not, but he wasn't going to follow in his father's footsteps. Unless Scorpius did something completely outrageous with his newfound sexuality, Draco wasn't angry. He was angry at Scorpius for not telling him. However in a way, he understood that too. Scorpius thought that he would have hated him for who he was.
"Are you… sure?" Draco questioned, "Could this just be a phase…?"
Scorpius shook his head immediately, "I-I know who I am now. For the first time in ages, I realised I understood myself more than I had done for years. Th-there's still things I need to figure out but I'm sorry father… I know I'm gay."
"You thought I would be mad at you. You thought I wouldn't accept you." Draco said with hurt laced in his voice.
Scorpius recognised that in no way, was Draco angry. His father did not react at all in the way he thought, but really the complete opposite, "Yeah… I don't know…"
"Scorpius… I'm going to be honest… I'm not sure if I'm completely comfortable with you being…" Draco couldn't get the words out and groaned instead, "I mean are you absolutely sure?"
"Father… I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I'm even surer that I'm gay than… than I'm a Malfoy!" Scorpius cried out, "I've never been so comfortable and sure of something. I've never known myself better."
"Scorpius, you do understand that this is hard for us too," Astoria whispered softly, a concerned look on her face, "It's hard for any parent. We… had certain expectations and now they've changed…"
"I just really hope you can learn to accept me for who I am now… I can't say that I wanted this myself… but I-I can't help it…"
"We want you to do the best for yourself…" Astoria continued to speak with care, "Are your studies still going okay?"
"Yeah… school's been fine. I haven't let it disrupt my work."
"Scorpius… I'm willing to try and accept it and help you through it…" Astoria smiled. She moved over to her son, sitting on his arm rest. Her fingers slipped in between his, "I'm shocked I admit, Scorpius, but I love you. I want you to be happy. I know I want to support you and help you as much as I can through this all…. I want you to be able to talk to me and not keep this all trapped inside like you obviously have been doing…" She pressed a kiss to Scorpius' forehead and the boy felt comforted, "Draco?"
Astoria and Scorpius looked to Draco for his answer. Draco watched his son who's cheeks were stained with tears and stormy orbs pleading, looking for his approval. He loved Scorpius and although he wasn't completely happy with it, he would try to get used to it and try to accept this new trait to his son. He stood up slowly, nodding and giving him a reassuring gaze, "Come here."
A breathy sigh shook through Scorpius' throat but a small smile emerged on his face. He released his mother's hand and rushed towards his father, throwing his arms around Draco. Draco was taken aback for a mere second but slowly embraced Scorpius. It wasn't often that they exchanged physical contact, it just wasn't the way purebloods worked. It was often Scorpius who initiated it and might not always be returned as well, but in a situation like this, it was welcomed by both.
"Scorpius… I'm not going to say I wouldn't be happy if you told us one day that it was just a phase, just an experiment… but if this really is who you are, then I'll support you," Draco rested his chin in his son's head, closing his eyes, "I do… love you, you know that?"
Scorpius didn't hear those words often from his father and they sounded like bells to his ears, "I love you too, father."
"You must tell us about this boy though, Scorpius," Astoria said playfully, "We must make sure he's suitable for our young man."
Draco couldn't help but also smirked as he heard a small giggle from his son who pulled away from him. Scorpius turned to his mother, wiping the remaining tears off his cheeks, "He's the perfect gentleman."
~X~
Scorpius and his parents chatted until dinner about the events of the last term and although Scorpius knew they weren't completely comfortable with it all, he was satisfied with their amazing efforts to accept him anyway and he was grateful for that. It was not the reaction he was expecting at all.
The Malfoys sat at the dinner table, devouring the delicious food that the house elves had prepared. Scorpius told them of his new power and what happened with James. His parents admitted that they did know somewhat about Scorpius' ability to do things like that and only kept it from him because they were worried it might disturb him even more than it had ever before. He understood and was grateful, because it was an even huger burden than before.
The elves were particularly happy to welcome home Master Scorpius who was always so kind to them and Scorpius was pleased to see his beloved friends who had always been there for him when he was young. Scorpius' favourite house elf was indeed Tiggy, a giggly sweet house elf who tended to Scorpius before he went to Hogwarts and during his holidays. Being in such close proximity to each other meant that they had grown to like each other and Scorpius would probably consider Tiggy a friend. When he was eight, he had even taught Tiggy how to read.
"Oh, I forgot to ask..." Astoria abruptly said, "How's Albus?"
Draco's face instantly stiffened, turning his nose up at just the mention of the Potter's name. Scorpius flushed, trying to think of some explanation for their little spat. He knew if he lied to his parents and said that he and Albus were as close as ever, they would be expecting him to go and see Albus some time over the holiday, and Scorpius didn't really fancy that. Plus, he had promised himself that he would not lie to his parents again after coming out to them, "U-uh... Well, we're actually not speaking that much at the moment..."
Astoria dropped her fork in shock, her mouth left hanging open. During the four, nearly five years Albus and Scorpius had known each other, not once had they ever argued. Mr and Mrs Malfoy knew, because Draco would often ask in hope that they had.
Draco also gaped at his son for a moment, though he did feel some sense of satisfaction, but mostly just a protective streak towards Scorpius, "It's not because you've admitted you're gay, is it?"
Scorpius shook his hands frantically in front of him, "No, no! Of course not!"
"Then why?" Draco questioned in a slightly annoyed voice, pinning all the blame on Albus in his head, "You were always so close to the boy? What has he done?"
Scorpius knew he couldn't tell his parents the whole story, seeing as most of it consisted of jealous glares between him and Albus, so just half of it would do, "He doesn't like Chris."
Draco snorted, "This Chris sounds like a decent man unlike Albus. Probably jealous that you've found someone to spend time with who is not an arrogant beast."
Scorpius had given up on sticking up for Albus a long time ago, his father never bothered to listen, "I think he's just upset that I'm spending time with someone other than him, is all. He has a girlfriend now too."
"Well at least we know he doesn't want to be your boyfriend that way..." Draco sneered, his eyes fixed on cutting his meat, "I mean never mind that he's a boy, just the fact that he's a Potter would never have gone down well with us. I could never accept a romantic relationship with a Potter or Weasley, girl or boy. They're a disgrace to the Wizarding World in my opinion and I would not had my son with any of those scum."
Scorpius couldn't have expected any other attitude from his father and it only confirmed that he could never confide in his father, and that most likely meant his mother too, in fear that he could never be accepted. Saying that, he never thought he would be accepted just for being gay, so maybe his father was just unpredictable. Draco had never actually voiced an opinion about being against homosexuality and obviously didn't reject it, unlike his opinion of a romantic relationship with a Potter or Weasley.
"You don't have to worry about that father…"
~X~
A/N: So, I have a lot of work to do the next week, doubt I'll get the next chapter done for a while though I always manage to somehow?
I'm going to be quick and just quickly say that I was so unsure while writing this chapter as to Draco's reaction. In my head I imagined him to be more upset, but when it came to writing it, it never does quite work out in same way. It just didn't fit for him to be angry and then accepting because obviously I did want him to upset him. I hope it is realistic and also shows the caring side to Draco, I did always think he would really love Scorpius as his son and I hope that was clear :)
Thank you to EKdark and C8ecat for reviewing for the last chapter though they were the only two... made me feel a bit uncertain about the last chapter? Was it not too good? Should I make any changes?
Next chapter:: The holidays continue and Scorpius tries to enjoy them as much as possible, but running into his best friend is not the way to do it he discovers.