Reference to: 'The Hofstadter Isotope'; 'The Einstein Approximation'
xTBBTx
"So Sheldon," said Raj with a glint in his eyes as the latter sat down at the lunch table. "I heard your date went well."
"It did, although Amanda was tedious," Sheldon replied as he took a napkin from his tray and cleaned his hands. "If I wanted a night of mind-numbing conversation I could just talk with Leonard about his work."
"Hey!" grumbled Leonard. "I worked with Stephen Hawking!"
"So did I," Howard added.
"See? Even an engineer works with Hawking. Good point, Howard," Sheldon said absently, oblivious to two sets of scowls in his direction. "But speaking of being an assistant, Howard, I do require your aid this evening."
"Oh goody," said the engineer. "May I ask why?"
"Tonight the math and science department is hosting a social gathering and I'd like you to be my 'wing man'."
"Me? Why not Raj?" Raj subtly shook his head, no.
"Because according to my observations of the group you've had the most social interactions with women."
"Yeah, most of them being 'get lost'," said Leonard.
"If you notice, I'm the one that's married," growled Howard.
"Granted, Howard's level of success until meeting Bernadette has been negligible but nevertheless there is a fundamental grounding of technique," said Sheldon as he peppered his macaroni.
"Technique?" said Leonard. "He wanted to pull a bunch of scarves out of my mouth at a bar."
"Well I had to work you in somehow since you were with me," sniffed Howard.
"Yeah, yeah, 'The Falcon' works alone."
"Need I bring up the Wolowitz Coefficient? It applies to a solo hunter."
"Sheldon would be better off using the quadratic equation to pick up women," chuckled Raj.
"And no magic tricks," Leonard added.
"That's my schtick," said Howard. "We have to work with Sheldon's strength—arrogant disdain for the human species."
"Whatever works," shrugged Sheldon before taking a bite of his lunch.
"Obviously humour is out," said Raj.
XXX
"Here we are," said Howard as, glass of punch in hand, he scanned the room full of scientists. "Now, time to form a strategy."
"Alright," said Sheldon. "From my experience with Raj your role is to make me sound like a 'catch'."
"That's right."
"But why would I be interested in someone who has to be told I'm a catch instead of figuring it out for herself?" Howard rolled his eyes.
"Sheldon, like fishing, you need to be attractive bait to attract the fish to you before you get a bite," he explained. "And then it all becomes a dance of words, the heart's tango, as you explore each other."
"I see."
Sheldon noticed a woman with dark hair tucked into a loose bun and red-framed glasses approaching.
"Here we go," smiled Howard.
"Hi," said the woman. "Are you Howard Wolowitz the astronaut?"
"Yes I am," he replied, both surprised and pleased.
"Wow, it must have been awesome being up there."
"Life-changing," agreed Howard. "Say, this is my friend Sheldon. Sheldon this is...?"
"Kate. Hi."
"Hello," said Sheldon. "Are you single?" Kate looked taken aback.
"Not so obvious," Howard murmured to his friend. "The dance."
"Oh. My apologies," Sheldon said to Kate. "What's your opinion on Stephen Hawking's latest paper that black holes might not exist?"
"I don't know," she replied. "I'm an organic chemist so I'm not really up on the technical aspects of space."
"A chemist," Howard said. "How interesting, right Sheldon?"
"Not really," he said. "Although for the sake of this conversation I shall pretend it is." Howard winced. "So, chemistry. Can you recommend a good dish detergent?"
"How would I know?" asked Kate with a frown.
"Well you're constantly washing test tubes and beakers." He turned to Howard. "How can she be a chemist and not know this?"
"Anyways, have a good night," Kate said with a strained smile at Howard before she departed into the crowd.
"Well that was a disaster," Howard sighed.
"Indeed. Imagine being out on a date with a chemist who doesn't even know how to do her own dishes," tsked Sheldon. "I dodged a bullet there." He scanned the crowd and noticed a familiar face. "Perhaps I should focus my attention on the physics department."
"Oh? See someone interesting."
"Well there's Ramona," Sheldon said as he indicated the redhead talking to a couple of women.
"Ramona? Are you kidding me? She's a nut job, Sheldon. Nuttier than you and believe me that says a lot."
"But I was productive academically when I was with her," Sheldon replied.
"Yeah, but she took over your life."
"But now I have the experience of having had a girlfriend to define the parameters. It's not like Amy took over my life." Sheldon turned his head to his friend at Howard's snort.
"Who's the one who listed out all the things we used to do until the girls came into our lives?" he asked with a smirk. "How Klingon Boggle became dinner at Amy's and that sing along night you guys did with the harp stamped out Halo night some weeks." Sheldon pursed his lips.
"By that token you've done things Bernadette wanted like forego paintball for meals with her parents and replaced model rocket launching at the park with clothes shopping at the Galleria," he said.
"That's different."
"How?"
"This isn't about me," Howard growled. "Look, I just don't think Ramona's for you."
"Why? She's intelligent, exhibits devotional tendencies and gives excellent pedicures," Sheldon said as he regarded the graduate student, who by now should have been in her last year. "Besides, she's a known variable."
Sheldon proceeded to the grad student and Howard quickly caught up.
This isn't going to end well no matter how it turns out, Howard thought to himself even as he placed a friendly smile on his face. As they approached he noted Ramona's eyes widen in surprise before narrowing and a dangerous smirk on her lips.
"What do you want?" she said to Sheldon before he had a chance to speak.
"Obviously to engage in conversation with you," he replied. "Are you interested in the exploits of a particular sports team? Have you tried the crab cakes? Are you in an established romantic relationship up to and including coitus?"
"Yes I am," she said coldly.
"Ah. Is it monogamous or are you open to a secondary relationship?"
Ramona's jaw dropped. "Are you asking me to cheat on my boyfriend?"
"Well, this relationship wouldn't involve physical contact apart from foot care," Sheldon explained. "What I'm interested in is your devotion to me and its effect on my work."
"Yeah, I heard you abandoned string theory," Ramona said, a comprehending—and to Howard a look of pure evil—smile crossed her lips. "Guess you couldn't stand the heat in Dr. Kripke's kitchen."
Sheldon visibly twitched.
"Kripke had nothing to do with my decision," he said.
"That's not what he says."
"Yes, well, he says a lot of things. I can see my interest in you was misplaced." At this Ramona laughed.
"I could say the same thing about you, Dr. Cooper," she sniffed. "You're a smart man but not the genius I thought you were." Sheldon's eyes widened. "I'm starting my career. In fact I have an offer at Stanford. So the last thing I want to do is be saddled down by some professor who's trying to rekindle his career."
"Hey, Sheldon's come up with more theories than you ever will," growled Howard.
"Maybe," shrugged Ramona. "But my time is now and I'd rather follow brilliant minds like Dr. Kripke than a floundering physicist."
She turned and left with her two colleagues and a moment later Sheldon stormed from the room followed by Howard.
xTBBTx
Penny exited her apartment in her skirt suit and heels just as Leonard came out of 4A.
"Where's Sheldon?" she asked as she locked up.
"Staying home," sighed Leonard.
"Again?"
"He's really bummed out."
"Just a sec," Penny said as she crossed the hall and entered her friends' apartment to find a housecoated and pajama-clad Sheldon sitting in his spot on the couch.
"Sheldon, it's time for work," she said enthusiastically.
"I'm not going," he replied.
"You better believe you're going," Penny said as she moved aside the coffee table with her foot so she could stand before him.
"What's the point? I'm a failure."
"Says who?"
"Well, Ramona for one."
"That psycho? Forget her."
"But she had a point," Sheldon sighed. "Kripke bested me at my own field. It looks like I turned tail and ran."
"Did you?"
"I don't think so," he said after a moment. "I don't see a future in string theory."
"So you're into your dark matter stuff." She lightly kicked his shin with her toe. "Well, it isn't gonna find itself." She then toed the couch. "And it sure as shit won't be found on your couch."
"What if I fail again?" Sheldon asked in a voice that pinched Penny's heart.
"Then you get back on your horse and try again. I mean look at me, I tried with the acting thing for nine years and I got squat. Now look at me," she said as she waved a hand to highlight her clothes. "I got a job, no a career, and can pay my own bills and can afford my shoe collection."
"But you changed fields entirely," Sheldon countered. "By that token I should quit physics to waiter at the Cheesecake Factory."
"Not what I was going for," scowled Penny.
"Well I did clear a hundred and sixty dollars in tips per shift."
"A hundred and sixty?!"
"Except for the first day," shrugged Sheldon. "But to be fair I was a busboy for the first two hours."
"Okay, let's focus here and—a hundred and sixty dollars in four hours?" Penny closed her eyes and breathed. "Okay. Okay." She focused on her friend. "Look, Sheldon, honey, you can't spend the rest of your life on the couch."
"Can too."
"Would Spock stay on the couch?"
"Spock wouldn't be in the position of having Kirk best him in physics," said Sheldon. Penny folded her arms across her chest.
"Kirk beat him at chess. Didn't stop Spock from playing." Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "Hey, I listen to you guys babble about Star Trek. Don't care, but I do listen." She stood back. "Now go put some clothes on and get ready for work, Dr. Spock."
"Mr. Spock."
"You're pushing it, sweetie," Penny grinned.
Sheldon got off the couch and made it half way down the hall before turning to her.
"Thank you, Penny," he said.
"Anytime, Sheldon," she smiled back.