Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Flaming Spoon Acquisition'
Reference to: 'The Misinterpretation Agitation'
xTBBTx
"No way Ma!" Howard shouted into his phone as he paced in his living room. "You did?! Why did you do that?" If possible Howard turned even redder. "HE'S NOT YOUR BUBULA!"
Bernadette came out of the bedroom in her pajamas, hairbrush in hand.
"No, I'm not sorry for yelling," Howard continued. "I'll straighten this out tomorrow. Tomorrow. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN TO THE BANK?!" Howard stopped pacing. "Is that Stuart in the background? Put him on the phone. No I won't yell at him. ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING TAKING MONEY FROM MY MOTHER?! ... I don't care if she offered. What does she know about running a comic book store? ... No, don't you hang up! No! No!"
"'Time to massage her varicose veins'." Howard glared at his phone before putting it into his housecoat pocket.
"What's going on?" squeaked Bernadette as she began brushing her hair.
"My mother gave Stuart a loan to finance his comic book store," Howard spat. "What kind of crazy idea is that? Doesn't she know how risky this business is? Stuart already ran one store nearly into the ground. What's he going to do with the second?"
Bernadette quit brushing, a frown forming on her face.
"But you wanted us to invest in it," she said crisply.
"You're missing the point," Howard replied after a quick pause. "This is my mother we're talking about. Stuart's taking advantage of her." He sighed. "Well the best I can do now is make sure the store succeeds."
"Not by buying more stuff," said Bernadette firmly. "You've already got more than enough toys around here not to mention a house full of it at your mother's."
"They're not toys, they're collectibles," Howard amended. "And for your information we're not just going to be co-owning a part of the store. When Ma dies we'll own half the store."
"But this is with your mother's money, not ours. So if it goes under there's no harm or foul since the money was never ours to begin with." Bernadette resumed brushing.
"I guess," moped Howard. Bernadette came over to him.
"See, Howie, this is the reason why I manage the finances. With your fancy-shmancy dreams you'd have us in the poorhouse," she said sweetly as she gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"I'm not a child, you know," snapped Howard as Bernadette went back to the bedroom. "I've been into outer space for crying out loud! I'm tired of you always saying that my things are toys and—"
"I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE IT, MISTER! NOW GET YOUR TEETH BRUSHED AND GET INTO BED!"
"Fine," scowled Howard. He turned out the living room lights and stomped off to the washroom
xTBBTx
Leonard came down the hall into the living room to find Sheldon pondering at his whiteboard. The experimental physicist stopped to look and was surprised to see in place of equations a list of words.
"What's this?" he asked.
"Research, Leonard," Sheldon said distractedly as he held up a magazine. "Cosmopolitan suggested writing my interests and corresponding them to places where I can meet people."
"Smart."
"Yes, and they also have ten mouth-watering recipes sure to tighten my tummy," said Sheldon as he added 'Planetarium' beside 'Astronomy'.
"You're not fat," scoffed Leonard.
"I've put on weight over the past three years."
"It means you were comfortable."
"In that case you must be downright content," said Sheldon as he set the marker on the whiteboard ledge.
"I am." Leonard frowned. "And I haven't put on that much weight."
"Anyways, the first thing I'm going to do is terminate my dating profile." Sheldon went to his computer and logged in.
"I mean what's five pounds?" Leonard continued. "Okay ten, but I can't see any more than that." He felt his tummy. "Let me see the magazine," he said and took it off Sheldon's desk.
"Huh," Sheldon said in surprise. "I've got a message on the dating website."
"From whom?"
"'Diana1941'. Interesting, that's the year of Wonder Woman's first appearance."
"So what'd she say?" prompted Leonard, now curious.
"'Nuqneh fellow life-form'," Sheldon read. "'How delightful to read such an interesting and entertaining profile!'"
"That's good," Leonard said encouragingly. "She likes your sense of humour"
"But I wasn't joking," Sheldon said, confused. He continued to read. "'I admit that I thought I had a better chance teaching Lobo not to say 'frak' than find someone who's actually a member of the Justice League on this site but you've proven me wrong. I won't be so forward as to ask you your costumed identity but rest assured should you at one point divulge it I will be a dependable Alfred and keep the secret to my grave.'" Sheldon cocked his head. "Well, she sounds sensible."
"Sheldon, she's joking."
"Ah." He frowned. "I don't like that."
"Why? She's funny."
"I don't 'do' funny."
"You'd be surprised," grinned Leonard, even as Sheldon turned to give him a scowl. "Come on, just answer her back. Look at it as practice getting to know someone."
"Very well," said Sheldon, unconvinced this would be a fruitful endeavor. He scanned the rest of Diana1941's letter before beginning his reply:
Nuqneh, indeed, Diana1941.
Your greeting comes at an unexpected time as I was about to delete my profile. Nevertheless it was suggested to me by my roommate that this could be an opportunity to practice my social skills.
He further suggested that your email was intended to be humorous and that you might mistakenly believe mine to be similar. Let me assure you that while a zombie apocalypse might not be an immediate threat it is a mistake to think yourself safe. I have an emergency preparedness bag at the ready at all times and a bat'leth I keep in my closet in case the machine overlords should use the apocalypse as an opportune time to rise up. Be wary of automated teller machines as I believe—
The door opened and Penny entered.
"Hey," she said to her fiancé with a kiss. She glanced at Sheldon's board. "What's going on?"
"Sheldon's Cosmo plan for meeting women," said Leonard as he held out the magazine for her to see.
"Hmm, they also have an article for losing weight." Penny looked thoughtfully at Leonard's waistline.
"And send," said Sheldon as he clicked his mouse.
"Whatcha got there?" she asked.
"Sheldon met someone on the dating site," said Leonard as his roommate got up from the chair.
"Details!" Penny squealed. "Who is she?"
"Unknown," said Sheldon evenly as he went back to his whiteboard. "But her username is 'Diana1941' and, according to Leonard, she has a great sense of humour."
"Believe me, Sheldon, a sense of humour is a bonus," Penny said neutrally. Sheldon wrinkled his nose.
"Be that as it may, I still have to complete the task at hand" He took up his marker. "I need to correspond my interests with locations I can meet people. For instance, I like trains and can go off to various railroad museums. I could also take a baking class, go to hospitality rooms at sci-fi, fantasy and comic book conventions, attend astronomical event parties at the observatory, stay for the after-parties at scientific gatherings, etcetera."
"Sheldon you can meet someone anywhere," said Penny. "I mean Leonard and I met just outside your door."
"Yes, but Cosmo suggests it's best to be with someone with whom you share similar interests," countered Sheldon as he wrote on the board. "Apart from coitus and a similar social network you really don't have much in common."
"That's not true," Leonard said defensively. "Penny and I share a lot of things in common besides sex..." He thought it over. "Well, we both like to..." He looked to Penny.
"Yeah, we...we watch movies!" Penny said in a relieved tone.
"But do you like the same movies?" inquired Sheldon.
"The point is we make it work," she said even as she thought about Leonard's boring three hour documentary on dams. Sheldon turned to his friends.
"How?"
"We love each other," said Leonard adamantly.
"That doesn't mean anything," said Sheldon as he went back to his board to write. "I loved Amy and she left me."
"We're different."
"Statistically speaking—"
"But we're not," Leonard said firmly.
"Fair enough," said Sheldon evenly as he capped his marker and set it back on the ledge. He clasped his hands behind his back and strolled down the hall. "You kids keep the magazine. There's an article in there about getting over a break up. Just for reference of course."
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"Boy, you're really hitting the joy juice tonight," Bernadette said to Penny as the latter polished off her glass of wine. "Rough week?"
"Kinda." Penny opened the bottle and killed it in her glass. "Don't get me wrong, my job is challenging and I have to do a lot of studying for it but it's a good challenge, y'know?" Here she smiled. "For the first time I really get to use my acting ability and, as it turns out, I'm pretty darn good at it."
"So why the grumpy face?"
"Leonard," Penny sighed. "He said that I shouldn't get too enthusiastic over this job until I'm past the probationary period and now I'm worried that I'll lose the job."
"Now you're being silly," said Bernadette. "You just said you're doing well. Besides, you know Leonard, he'd find fault in a rainbow."
"It's just that I don't really need the negativity right now, y'know?" Penny took a sip of wine. "Look at my acting for instance. All these years when I was out there auditioning away he was all supportive and then when I got serious about acting he was all 'no, you'll never make it'."
"Things change as time goes by, Penny," said Bernadette. "You're not the spring chicken you used to be and Hollywood likes young faces."
"Well that doesn't describe Leonard. His screencap on his phone is me in a bikini," Penny grumped. A thought came to her. "Do you think Leonard was just agreeing to anything I did just to get in good with me?" Bernadette made to speak even as Penny got animated. "But then what would that mean about now? Why would he crap on my cornflakes?" Unconsciously she brought her left hand up for the two women to see the ring on her finger.
"And that's enough alcohol for tonight," said Bernadette as she moved the unopened bottle of wine to the far side of the coffee table. "Look Penny, Leonard might be manipulative and have trust issues but he's a nice guy. You said yourself that you have a habit of dating losers. Don't throw away the best catch of the lot."
"So Leonard's a loser?" Penny mumbled thoughtfully.
"No, silly, he's your pop tart, remember? When everything was in the crapper he still wanted you. That means something, doesn't it?"
Penny snorted and finished her wine.
"Yeah, I'm just being an idiot," she said.
"Don't worry about it," Bernadette said sweetly. "Besides, things are now going to be on the other foot like it is with Howie and me."
"What do you mean?"
"When we met I was in grad school and he was the cool engineer with a career and a vespa. Then when I graduated and got my job it changed everything. I make a buttload of cash compared to him." Bernadette gave a slight smile. "Don't let the skirts fool you. I wear the pants in the family. Same thing will happen to you if you get your finances straight."
"But I suck at budgeting," said Penny.
"Then when you get solvent and can start putting stuff away get a guy at the bank or credit union to set things up for you. Easy peasy." Bernadette set her glass on the table. "You might also want to look at getting a prenup."
"Leonard and I are not gonna break up," Penny said adamantly. "He's my bran tart or whatever." Penny got up woozily. "You know, I think I'm gonna lie down for a little bit. Be right back." She plunked back down on the couch. "Or not." The women laughed.
XXX
"So where exactly is Sheldon?" asked Howard as he tossed a playing card on the coffee table. "Creepy Teepee."
"Out at a baking class," replied Leonard. "The Superstore holds them upstairs from the grocery store."
"Oh, I've been there," smiled Raj. "That's where I learned how to make my beef Wellington." He, too, tossed a card. "Annie Ogrely."
From beyond the apartment came Penny and Bernadette's cackling laughter.
"Wonder what's so funny?" asked Raj.
"More like who's so funny," snorted Howard. "They seem to have targets not topics."
"Lovely. Flaming Spittoon," Leonard said as he tossed his card. "I guess this gives me an idea of what to look forward to when I get married."
"No, as far as I can tell they do it to complete strangers too," Howard replied. "But being married does offer them the chance to humiliate on an intimate level. Pocaghostahauntus." Leonard sat back in his chair.
"Do you think Penny's and my marriage has a shot?" he asked seriously.
"I thought you said Penny proposed?" Howard took a sip of his bottled water.
"Was she drunk?" asked Raj.
"No she wasn't," frowned Leonard.
"Well, that says love right there," Howard soothed.
"But she'd just given up on acting and her life was basically in pieces so I suppose she had nothing to lose," mused Raj.
"Thanks Raj," Leonard snapped.
"But the point is that she's now got a job and everything's going well and you're still engaged," the astrophysicist continued.
"The economic stability is nice," agreed Howard. "Bernie was really relieved when she got on at the pharmaceutical company after grad school. Gave her a chance to pay off her student loans."
"And afford to pay her husband his weekly allowance," chuckled Raj.
"Ha ha," sneered Howard.
"Are you serious?" gasped Leonard.
"Even works in his lunch money for the week," Raj added. "See what you have to look forward to?"
"Penny can't budget herself much less a household."
"She's never had money before." Raj took a pretzel from the bowl. "I guess we'll see how she stands on her own two feet."
"Well that sure eases my worries," Leonard said icily.
"When it comes to Penny I don't think there's ever a time you're not worried," said Raj as he munched on the pretzel.
"Well the wedding will stop that," countered Leonard as he got up to go to the washroom.
"I wouldn't bet on it," Howard stage whispered to Raj.
XxX
"How come my batter doesn't look as smooth as yours?" pouted Cheryl with wide hazel eyes.
"It's all in the whisking," Sheldon replied as he poured his batter into the greased loaf pan.
"You really know what you're doing in the kitchen," she purred, taking in his forearms as his muscles flexed.
"I used to bake with my Meemaw back in Texas." He took up the rubber spatula and scraped the bowl.
"So why are you taking this course?"
"To learn new recipes and to socialize."
"Well I can't help you with the one but I can with the other." The ponytailed blonde moved her bowl towards him. "Could you show me how to whisk like you do?"
"I suppose." Sheldon took her whisk and began making a rhythmic motion in the bowl. "The trick is to maintain a consistency. Notice how my wrist moves. How light the tips of my fingers are on the whisk." He handed both back to her and she began to whisk. "Don't stir with it. Use your wrist."
"You're really good with your hands"—Cheryl read his nametag—"Sheldon. Actually you've got nice hands to boot. Long fingers."
"I wash and moisturize them as much as I can."
"That's good," Cheryl said, unsure of how to go on until another idea hit her. "So you said you're from Texas?"
"East Texas."
"That definitely explains your delicious accent. I'm L.A. born and raised." She looked at her batter. "That's better." She poured it into her greased pan. "So what do you do?"
"I'm a junior professor in the physics department at Caltech." Sheldon moved his loaf pan to the oven. "I've set the temperature ahead of time so the oven should be ready soon."
"A professor? Wow that's neat," she said as she noted the blue of his eyes. "I love stars and space stuff." She handed him her loaf pan.
"You'd be more interested in astronomy or cosmology," Sheldon amended.
"What's your area of research?"
"Dark matter."
"Hmm," Cheryl said as she checked out Sheldon's butt. "I'm sure your girlfriend thinks it's mysterious."
"By today's technology it's undetectable—and I don't have a girlfriend."
The oven buzzer went off and Sheldon put the two loaves in and set the timer.
"Say, are you good at making cakes?" Cheryl asked as she gathered her dishes.
"I'm proficient, yes, although cookies are my forte."
"Cookies would do. You have any special recipes?"
"I do like Meemaw's snickerdoodles," said Sheldon. He looked to Cheryl. "Like whisking it requires light fingers and a solid rhythm to mix." He put his dishes into his bowl.
"A solid rhythm, hmm?" Cheryl grinned.
"Actually a lot of things work better with a rhythm," said Sheldon as he took a paper towel and spray bottle to wipe down his part of the counter.
"You know, I'm having some of the girls from work over this week and would love to know how to make them," Cheryl began. "Maybe you could come over to my place and show me your rhythm?"
"I could text you the recipe if you'd like," Sheldon said.
"I'm more of a hands on kinda gal. And I'm willing to bet I'll learn a lot from you," she said in a sultry voice.
"I have a working knowledge of the universe. If you're capable I can teach you anything," he said pointedly.
"Oh, I'm capable alright," Cheryl winked before taking her dishes to the washer.
XXX
"So how was your evening?" asked Howard as he drove the car towards home.
"It was okay," Bernadette replied as she looked out her side window. "It's great that Penny's working at my company because we have so much more to talk about."
"I'm sure you do," he said neutrally.
"Oh, speaking of getting together, my mother said that dad wants to go fishing this weekend and I think it would be a good idea if you went with him."
Howard inwardly cringed.
"Oh, gee, I'd love to but you see I'm—"
"You're what?"
"I'd rather not."
"Why?" asked Bernadette as she turned to her husband.
"Well, if he talks he's always on about fishing and hunting and other gross things," he said with a shudder.
"He's treating you like one of the guys. He's just bonding with you."
"Why can't your dad do something I like to bond with me?" Howard asked as he signaled and turned onto the main boulevard.
"Like what? Firing toy guns at each other?" snorted Bernadette. "Or will it be something more involved like playing video games or going to the comic book store?"
"Well it's better than getting drunk and talking dirt about you and your mother," Howard grumbled back. "I mean it's not like there's anything better to do, right?"
"You know, mister, you've just won yourself a place on the couch," Bernadette growled.
"Me?! You're the one who started it by insulting my hobbies!"
"And then you were mean to me!"
"So what you said wasn't mean?!"
"Calling you out for playing with toys isn't mean. It's a wakeup call, Howard!"
Bernadette folded her arms over her chest and glared out the side window as Howard's hands tightened on the steering wheel.
XXX
Sheldon entered his apartment with a loaf in hand.
"Good evening, Penny," he said to his neighbor who was lounging in Leonard's chair.
"Smells good," she said as she indicated the loaf with her head. "Lemon?"
"Lemon zest." He crossed the living room and put the bread in the refrigerator before cleaning his hands with sanitizer. "Are you staying the night?"
"Nope. Just waiting for Leonard."
"Good," Sheldon said happily as Leonard came down the hall.
"Hey Sheldon," said Leonard. "So how was the class?"
"Excellent. I learned a better way to extract zest from a lemon and have a 'bake date' at Cheryl's apartment later this week."
"Come again?" asked Penny, not sure of what she just heard.
"Cheryl asked me if I could come over to her apartment this week to bake some cookies," Sheldon said evenly. "I offered to email her the recipe but she says my personal instruction at tonight's class made it easier for her to learn."
"I'll bet it did, you dog," Penny grinned.
"I don't follow," Sheldon said, confused.
"Sheldon, she wants you over because she's interested in you."
"Well, she did admire my whisking technique," he admitted after a moment to consider. "But your suggestion is wrong. Cheryl is having some friends over and wants to impress them with Meemaw's snickerdoodle recipe not create a flour-covered sexcapade."
Penny rolled her eyes as she got out of the chair.
"Getting a stranger to bake cookies at her apartment is a complete excuse to jump his bones," she said. Penny looked to Leonard with an impish smile. "Hey, wanna come over to my place for a piece of cake? I baked it fresh today."
"Sure," said Leonard. "Um, you really didn't bake a cake did you?" He caught Penny's stare. "Not that I'm saying your last cake was so dry I nearly choked to death but I—"
"Goodnight Leonard," Penny snapped and went to the door.
"But what about your cake?" he pleaded.
"The bakery's closed," she growled and closed the door behind her.
"And you say I'm clueless," Sheldon tsked as he went down the hall. "You should have asked for a glass of almond milk to go with it."
xTBBTx
"Hey," said Leonard as he knocked on the doorframe of Howard's engineering lab.
"'Sup?" replied the engineer as he worked on a circuit board wearing his magnifying glasses.
"Nothing much. Just have some time to kill before the laser's ready," said Leonard.
"Fair enough." Howard picked up the soldering iron and attached a conductor. "Hey, close the door for a sec?" Leonard obliged. "So how are you and Penny doing?"
"Fine." Leonard's eyes narrowed. "Why?"
"No reason," Howard said quickly. Again he soldered on the circuit board.
"Howard, you owe me for giving you the head's up on the prenup." Leonard blanched. "Penny isn't asking for a prenup is she? Why would she? She's just got on with her job so it's not like she makes more than me. Does she?"
"Whoa there, breathe," Howard soothed. "Look, I was stupid to bring this up."
"Howard..."
"Fine." Howard straightened and put his glasses on his forehead. "Last night Bernie was saying how it'd be nice if I bought her flowers every once in a while like the doctor who sends Penny bouquets at the office."
"I, wait, what?" Leonard gasped. "Someone's sending her flowers?"
"Penny says they're just a thank you from a client but Bernie thinks the guy might have the hots for her." He took in Leonard's reddening face. "I'm sure Penny's got it under control but just giving you a head's up that maybe flowers would be a good thing to give her, y'know?"
"Yeah, you're right," Leonard said after a moment. "Penny's engaged. And it's not like she's going to cheat on me."
"Exactly." Howard put on the glasses. "It's just some rich doctor sending your fiancée flowers."
"And you'd be happy if this was reversed and he was sending Bernadette flowers?"
"Of course not," Howard grinned. "I'd follow him to his parking spot and go ca-razy on him. But I'm not you."
Leonard checked his watch.
"Well I've got to get back to the lab. Thanks for the head's up." He turned to go.
"Leonard," said Howard without looking up from the circuit board. "If Penny does ask for a prenup, really think about it before saying yes."
"You having regrets?" Leonard asked seriously.
"Just think about it."
Leonard waited but there was no further explanation so he opened the door and left.
XXX
"My Meemaw said the secret to snickerdoodles is the amount of love you put into them," said Sheldon as he looked over the spices Cheryl had on the counter.
"I'm for lots of loving," she agreed with a little smirk. "So how should we add the love?" She put her hand on the small of Sheldon's back.
"The only way we can—through spices." Sheldon frowned. "Although I think our loving will be at a minimum since I can't find any cinnamon."
"I thought I had some," Cheryl said as she brushed her hip against his own.
"Well you should have made sure," Sheldon tsked. "I sent you the recipe ahead of time so you could check." He turned to Cheryl, her close proximity not registering through his annoyance. "So tell me what we're supposed to do without cinnamon?"
"What any good cook does—improvise," said Cheryl as she leaned in and gave Sheldon a kiss...
XXX
Penny came into 4A wearing her comfy clothes after showering and plunked down on Sheldon's spot.
"What a day," she said with a sigh and a smile. "One bright side of working as a waitress for ten years is that I'm used to a lot of walking. But man, am I not used to all the mileage in high heels."
"Yeah, high heels," said Leonard. "I remember Amy saying how they amplify the breast and buttocks. Not that it matters since you're selling drugs based on your knowledge of drugs and not using something besides the drugs themselves to sell drugs."
"Leonard, you're having a brain fart again," Penny said, confused.
"I was coming home from work today and I realized that I'm your fiancé and as such I should spoil you when I can." He went to the counter by the refrigerator and came back with a small red rose bouquet.
"Aw, thank you," Penny gushed as she took the flowers.
"It's no big deal," Leonard replied. "I mean since you get flowers at work why not get them at home, too?"
"Who told you that?" Penny said haltingly.
"Howard. He said that Bernadette said you were getting flowers from some doctor?"
"Oh. That," Penny chuckled a little overenthusiastically. "Dr. Lorvis was just thanking me for helping him with his drug selection. It's no big deal."
"How many times has he sent you flowers?" asked Leonard pointedly.
"Well, he's a pretty thankful guy," Penny said bluntly. "Anyways, it turns out that my company has free basketball tickets and—"
Sheldon entered the apartment with a scowl on his face.
"That was a long bake session," said Penny as she moved off Sheldon's spot to the other side of the couch. "Thought we'd have to track you down again."
"I wish you had," growled Sheldon.
"So how did things go with Cheryl?" asked Leonard even as he continued to stare at Penny with a slight frown on his face.
"A disaster," Sheldon huffed. "Not only was her kitchen lacking fundamental tools like a flour sifter but her spices weren't even in alphabetical order. Pure madness." He went part of the way down the hall before turning around. "Oh, and apparently inviting someone back to bake cookies is an euphemism for wanting to 'suck face'." He shook his head. "I had a hard time being spontaneous."
"You did?" sputtered Leonard.
"Well it's not like I had much choice, Leonard. She didn't have enough cinnamon so I had to use nutmeg." Sheldon went to his room.
"Ah, sweetie," chuckled Penny.