Reference to: 'The Misinterpretation Agitation'; 'The Pirate Solution'
xTBBTx
Raj took a drink and set the bottle of water back on his lunch tray.
"So when are you going to apologize?" he asked Howard.
"Why should I apologize?" the engineer snapped as he jabbed his fork into his beefaroni. "Bernie's just as much at fault."
"Because she's not the one risking a bad back from sleeping on the couch for three nights."
"I hope you're at least maintaining your lumbar support," Sheldon said distractedly as he worked on his phone.
"I'll be fine. Bernie and Penny are off to Vegas for the weekend tomorrow night so I'll get the bed," said Howard.
"I hope you know a good chiropractor," said Sheldon. He frowned and tapped his phone. "Nope."
"Sheldon, your food's getting cold," Leonard said as he ate." What are you doing anyways?"
"I'm going over my list of places to meet people."
"By 'people' do you mean a general meeting place like a mall or is this 'people' as in finding a suitable mate?" asked Raj.
"I've selected places based off my interests in order to have something in common. That way we'll have a ready topic of conversation and can see where things go from there—although I won't be baking cookies any day soon," Sheldon added with a frown.
"So what places have you picked?" said Howard before taking a forkful of his corn.
"The aquarium, zoo, planetarium, museum—"
"No, no." Howard cleared his mouth with a swash of water. "You need to be more spontaneous than that, although the premise of using the location as a distraction to what your true intent is for being there is in the right spirit."
Raj put down his fork.
"What about all the times we planned going to the disco or to the market or the Goth club?" he pointed out. "And look at what it got us—squat and nearly hepatitis."
"Well I see it as chances to meet women," sniffed Howard. "And we did." He looked to Sheldon. "What you need is a place where inhibitions are lowered and people are there specifically to meet people."
Sheldon set down his phone.
"That rules out the library," he mused.
"Let me hear your opening line," said Howard.
"What opening line?"
"The one that breaks the ice between you and your potential paramour."
"You don't need an opening line, Sheldon. 'Hello' works just as well," said Leonard before staring meaningfully at Howard. "Set opening lines are a good way to get yourself killed."
"So the best thing Sheldon could do is practice meeting women in places where it doesn't matter if he screws up," Howard pointed out to Leonard. "And bars would be more forgiving given that people will be drinking."
"But I don't drink," said Sheldon.
"Sure you do. You drink wine. And you had a beer with me." Sheldon made a dubious face. "Come on, Sheldon."
"I don't want to go alone."
"I could use a chance to unwind," said Howard. "And tonight is Ladies Night."
"If you're adamant on going, Sheldon, I'll go too," said Leonard. "Someone's got to be the voice of reason."
"Well, Penny said to be more spontaneous," said Sheldon thoughtfully.
"So we're in?" grinned Howard.
"We're in," Sheldon replied.
"Into what remains to be seen," chuckled Raj.
XXX
"I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre," said Sheldon to the bartender.
"Sheldon, you're trying to fit in," Howard said with a roll of the eyes.
"This is a drinking establishment. I'm buying a beverage. Therefore I 'fit in'," Sheldon replied evenly as he paid for and took up his drink.
"Fine." Howard and Sheldon turned from the bar to face the room. "Now we wait."
"For what?"
"For the alcohol to flow, the lawyers, doctors and jocks to grab their women and then we pick our prey from the rest."
"So I'm to choose from a reduced pool of viable candidates?" Sheldon said with a frown.
"Sheldon, it's like this: we could be out there in the ocean vying with the sharks for prey or we could find ourselves a dingy tributary and wait for the weaker prey to come here to get out of the ocean currents. See that woman over there in the green dress?" Howard said as he indicated with his head.
"The one talking with two other women, yes."
"She's pretty and knows it. She's looking for a man who'll take her to fancy restaurants and exotic vacations. And she'll shrivel your soul when she laughs at you for even thinking of asking her out. But her chubby friend, now there's a possibility."
"How do you know what she's interested in without asking her?"
"Because I know her type."
"I see." Sheldon turned to Howard. "So what type is Amy?"
"One of a kind," the engineer retorted. "Now, back to the task at hand. Your goal is to come up with a line—"
"Leonard said no lines."
"Leonard stole Penny's mail. You don't have that option to meet a woman here. You need an opening, then converse, ask to buy her a drink and for anyone but you on the planet, hopefully get her in the sack."
Howard noted Leonard enter the bar and waved. The physicist spotted him and ventured over.
"Sorry I'm late," he said. "So how's it going with Sheldon?"
"Just giving him the lay of the land." Howard turned and noted that Sheldon was gone. "Where is he?" He scanned the room and spotted Sheldon approach the woman in the green dress. "No, the chubby one. The chubby one!"
"Hello," said Sheldon to the trio of ladies. "Do any of you possess advanced degrees in worthwhile subjects?"
"I have a Masters degree in Poly Sci," said a pony-tailed brunette in a black cocktail dress.
"So I take it that's a no?" The women laughed.
"Poor bastard," tsked Howard. "They're at him already with that soul-shrivelling laugh."
"I dunno," replied Leonard. "They're still talking. And they didn't walk away."
"You have an advanced degree I take it?" the woman asked Sheldon.
"Two doctorates, actually. Physics and mathematics." He turned to the woman with the blunt bob cut in the green dress. "My friend was saying that you're the type of woman who likes fancy dinners, exotic vacations and would shrivel my soul. Is this true?"
"Well I do like fancy dinners and vacations," she chuckled. "Although I'm not sure about the soul shrivelling."
"I see." Sheldon cocked his head. "Well, as we're conversing, the progression of this would lead to ask if you ladies would like a drink? Unless you'd like to go back to your place and bake cookies. I'm not interested in that."
A few minutes later Sheldon came back to the bar.
"Well?" Howard said excitedly. "How did it go?"
"Grace, the woman in the green dress, does indeed like vacations and dinners although she is also partial to Cadbury chocolate and dancing. Ursula has a Master's degree in poly sci, likes baking cookies with both men and women"—Leonard choked on his beer—"and is curious about how physics applies in the bedroom. Lacy is a—"
"So what are you doing here?!" Howard sputtered.
"You said we were out here to meet women. I've met Ursula and Grace and Lacy." Sheldon scanned the crowd before venturing off to another group of women.
"Sonofabitch," Howard murmured. "All these years bringing Raj out and Sheldon was the better wingman all along."
"I don't think he's a wingman at all," grinned Leonard. "I think Sheldon's the whole damn bird."
XXX
Howard unlocked his apartment door and entered to find Bernadette on the couch watching television. He flumped down beside her.
"You're out late tonight," she said casually.
"I was out at a bar with Sheldon and Leonard." He shook his head. "Apparently Sheldon's some sort of Casanova. He took my tricks and made them work."
"That's amazing," she said. "I mean with the magic tricks and jokes and role playing games you mentioned on our first date I had real doubts about you."
"And then Ma called," Howard said with a little chuckle.
"Yeah." Bernadette turned off the television. "Howie, I don't want to fight."
"Me neither." Their lips met and the kiss deepened. "I accept your apology," he said as they broke away.
"For what?"
"You know, for…never mind." They kissed again. "Look, I learned something about baking cookies from Sheldon I want to show you."
"Now? It's kind of late for baking."
"Not the oven I was thinking of using," said Howard as he wiggled his eyebrows.
Bernadette jokingly creamed him with a pillow.
xTBBTx
I'm at a loss to understand the culinary associations with sex, Sheldon typed at his computer. Apparently 'baking cookies' is an euphemism for either 'sucking face' or coitus. Without exception every woman at the drinking establishment knew this and went on to ask what my 'kitchen experience' was. When I mentioned that I excelled in baking loaves and pies there was giggling and questions whether my favourite was cherry pie. I didn't—
The sound of keys in the lock and then Penny entered apartment 4A, balking as she saw Sheldon at the computer.
"Oh, didn't expect you home yet," she said sheepishly.
"Why wouldn't I be home? It's after work and I live here," he said absently as he typed. "The better question would be why are you in my apartment?"
"I was out of milk and needed a quarter cup for my mac and cheese."
"Despite your new level of income I see some things will remain the same," he tsked as she went to the refrigerator.
"So what are ya doing?" she asked as she took out the milk.
"Writing a letter to my pixel-pal."
"Your what?"
"My pixel-pal. I can't call Diana1941 my pen-pal as there's no pen involved."
"Ooo, you're still talking with her," Penny grinned as she poured out the milk. "That's great! So why aren't you guys Skyping or texting?"
"Because we don't know each other," Sheldon said as he typed. "There's something to be said for the written word."
"I guess. Although the only things Leonard's ever written to me have been letters thanking me for having sex with him," Penny said with a smirk. "So what are you two talking about?"
"On my part my adventures last night at the bar with Wolowitz and Leonard. And a reply to her insistence that Crime and Punishment is a classic when there's an inherent flaw to it. At the mid-point of the novel the sun rises twice in one day." He shook his head. "How Diana1941 could think this is a classic is beyond me."
"That's putting on the charm."
"There's never a wrong time to learn something, Penny."
Leonard entered the apartment with an empty kitchen trash bin.
"Hi," he said even as his eyes zeroed in on her hand. "Where's your engagement ring?"
"In the apartment," said Penny. "Thanks for the milk, Sheldon."
She kissed Leonard and made to leave.
"Guess it must be easier to flirt with your customers without it," he said crisply.
"What?" Penny gasped as she turned to him.
"What, you're going to tell me that you actually wear your ring when you're working?"
"Of course I do!" Penny began to blush. "I mean driving between appointments counts."
Leonard put the garbage can down in the kitchen.
"So you aren't flirting with them?" he asked.
"Well, there's flirting and then there's flirting," Penny began.
"You're engaged!" Leonard roared.
"It doesn't mean anything, Leonard!" Penny shouted back. "I get my commission, they get their egos stroked. No harm no fuss."
"Well it still feels like cheating," Leonard huffed as he folded his arms across his chest.
"Says the guy who sucked face with that comic book chick while you were dating Priya?" Penny was unimpressed. "Oh, wait, that didn't count."
"Priya slept with her ex-boyfriend."
"You made out with a girl, Leonard! I'm just talking to clients!"
"She's right," Sheldon said absently as he typed. "Penny's not engaging in intercourse or otherwise in indecent physical contact with her clients."
"Thank you," Penny said smugly.
"To follow the logic of your argument, Penny's in effect akin to an escort rather than a prostitute," Sheldon added.
"I don't need this, Leonard. I'm a good salesperson not a whore!" Penny stormed from the room.
"But Sheldon said that not me!" Leonard called back as he followed her over.
"You said that—"
The apartment door closed and Penny and Leonard's argument became muffled.
I prefer rhubarb and raisin pie, Sheldon continued typing. The mix of sweet and sour titillate my tongue. What do you like? And tread carefully if you suggest some sort of cookie, woman!
The sound of Penny's door slamming shut came mere seconds before the apartment door opened and Leonard stormed in. He slammed the door and flopped onto the couch.
"Women are impossible," he snapped.
"An absolute, Leonard," Sheldon tsked. "Women are improbable."
"Oh shut up," Leonard growled and went to his room.
"Forget women, roommates be even crazier," Sheldon said as he began a new paragraph.