Reference to: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition; 'The Spoiler Alert Segmentation'; 'The Vacation Solution'; 'The Robotic Manipulation'; 'The Santa Simulation'
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Penny opened the door to the lobby just as Sheldon and Raj came down the stairs.
"Hey guys," she said. "Where ya off to?"
"Hello Penny," replied Raj. "I'm taking Sheldon to a juice bar to pick up women and regulate our colons."
"As I wasn't comfortable at a conventional bar I thought to broaden my horizons," added Sheldon. "Being from Texas I couldn't be at a salad bar and then Raj mentioned the juice bar."
"But that's all veggies," said Penny pointedly.
"But in liquid form they're beverages not a main course."
"Ah. So where ya going?"
"The Laughing Buddha," said Raj. "It's a little out of the way but the drinks really are divine."
"Okay. Well good luck," Penny said as she lightly bumped Sheldon on the arm with her fist.
"Would you like to come?" Sheldon asked.
"Wouldn't I kinda mess up the wingman thing going for ya?"
"Perhaps. But you've looked particularly bloated lately and as it's still two weeks until your menses either you've put on weight or else you're in need of a cleanout."
Penny felt her belly. Was she bloated?
"Let's go," she said firmly and marched out the front door.
XXX
"Who named these drinks?" tsked Sheldon as he perused the menu.
"I think they're cute," replied Penny. "I think I'll go for the Buddha's Belly. It's for good luck."
The waitress, a young woman with tiny cornrow braids to her shoulders, came to the table.
"Hi there. I'm Rose. What can I getcha?"
"I'll have a Buddha's Belly," said Penny. "Raj'll have a—"
"Buddha's Blessing," he said and handed back his menu.
"Excuse me, but how are these menu names in any way corresponding to the drinks?" Sheldon asked. "What makes beets, celery, arugula and dragon fruit 'Blessed' as opposed to carrots, cucumber, broccoli, banana and hemp seeds?"
"Sheldon, just let it go," said Raj.
"But there's no organizational pattern."
"They're fun labels," said Penny. "They're not meant to mean anything. Now," she grabbed the top of Sheldon's menu card. "On the count of three you're gonna pick something and let it go."
"It's not easy," he said with a slight twitch to his lip.
"Never is, my honey. One. Two."
"I'll have the Buddha's Feast," said Sheldon just as Penny pulled the menu card away and handed it to Rose.
"I'll be right back," the waitress said and departed.
"So are we now on the prowl or does that wait until we have our drinks?" asked Sheldon.
"This isn't a place to prowl," Raj replied with a bit of a frown. "None of what Howard told you applies here."
"But how do you know what he—"
"Just trust me."
"I'm with Raj on this one," added Penny with a slight smile.
"At the bar I found that, while the women themselves were unknown variables, their questions were rather streamlined into basic categories such as coitus, income, occupation," said Sheldon. "This whole process of meeting someone is quite tedious." He looked to Penny. "What about your early dating experiences?"
"Hey, I have experience too," frowned Raj.
"I'm sorry, Rajesh. Apart from staring yearningly at women and fighting the urge to urinate when they talked with you, I hadn't realized you had something to contribute."
"Occasionally I'd also let out a little sigh," Raj replied with a blush.
"Things were a little different for me, too," said Penny. "After all I was a teenager when I started dating."
"You still met potential suitors," Sheldon said pointedly. "What did you do to initiate your interaction?"
"Said yes," she chuckled. "Sheldon, I really can't think of a time when I asked someone out on a date."
"But what if you didn't have one and were in need of one?"
"Then I'd go where single guys were and give a smile and the next thing I knew I had a boyfriend."
"Ah," Sheldon nodded. "The smile. Yes, I noticed quite a few women trying to initiate eye contact as they smiled at various men." Rose arrived and handed out their beverages. "Now I know the mechanics to it but I can't say I feel the attraction." He took a sip of his drink, thought about what crossed his palate, glanced at Penny who stared meaningfully at him, and swallowed his mouthful.
"Well it doesn't come all at once," said Raj.
"Point," said Sheldon. "With Amy there wasn't an attraction either at first."
"What made it change?" asked Penny.
"Spending time together," Sheldon said after a moment. "Counterfactuals. Trips to the zoo. Texting jokes to each other. When Stuart came along he threatened to monopolize her time. I didn't want that." He took a sip of his drink.
"That's it?" gasped Raj incredulously.
"That's it," Sheldon confirmed. "It's why I didn't want our relationship to change in any way, physical or otherwise. And she agreed."
"Obviously something changed," said Penny. "I mean you kissed her and held her hand and stuff."
"Amy wanted physical intimacy."
"What about you?"
Pause.
"I'm unsure. I still find human contact repulsive."
"Did you like kissing Amy?"
"I was too angry at her to fully process what I was doing and then—"
"Then?"
"Things got complicated."
"You did like it," Raj breathed, totally into the conversation. In response Sheldon looked away.
"Sheldon, it's okay," Penny said gently.
"No it's not," Sheldon snapped. "Amy kept pressing for more and more and I found myself between a rock and a hard place." He sighed. "I liked Amy and wanted her in my life. I had even contemplated having physical relations with her in the latter part of this year."
"Shut your ass!" grinned Raj.
"Intimacy is nice," said Penny.
"It's what she expected and I wanted her in my life," Sheldon said, causing Penny to frown.
"You already said that," she said crisply.
"I don't know what else to say."
"Sheldon, sex is about being attracted to someone and wanting to express that physically. It's not about doing it to keep someone."
"So neither of you had sex to keep someone?" asked Sheldon. This time it was Penny and Raj who looked away. "I was attracted to Amy. She was the most like me of anyone I've met." He shook his head. "All of this is fruitless. She was the best girlfriend I'm ever going to have." He took a sip.
"Don't say that," said Raj as he stirred his drink with his straw.
"Why not? Amy did." Penny choked on her drink.
"She did?" she gasped.
"She said that she was the best girlfriend I was ever going to have so I should let her move in with me," Sheldon said evenly.
"Sweetie, that's not true. There are plenty of fish in the sea." Sheldon cocked an eyebrow.
"So why did you tell Howard that Bernadette was the best he could do?"
"Because he's Howard. Besides, Bernie's awesome."
"Wasn't Amy awesome?"
"Amy was…unique," Penny said diplomatically.
"So you didn't like Amy as much as Bernadette," Sheldon said pointedly.
"I liked Amy," Penny said slowly. "She really didn't give me much choice. One sleepover and I was her 'bestie'."
"Yeah, and all those lesbian comments," chuckled Raj.
"Don't want to go there," Penny said stiffly.
"Perhaps she was just testing the waters," added the astrophysicist thoughtfully. "After all, it's not like she had friends before much less a romantic partner."
"There was the man from whom she withheld insulin from until he kissed her. Does that count?" asked Sheldon.
"Definitely not," said Raj in a shocked voice.
"And then there was the orgasm study where she—"
"Doesn't count either," Penny said with a disgusted face.
Sheldon cocked his head in thought.
"Still, it does bring to mind that up until this point I've been assuming I'm heterosexual," he said.
"You're attracted to men?" said Raj, surprised.
"Well there's Spock, but of course who could deny his intellect? If he said it was logical we should mate how could I question him?" A little smirk came to Sheldon's lips. "The same can be said for Richard Feynman. Plus he can play the bongos." He took a sip of his drink.
"Wow. From no deal to possibly bisexual," said Penny as she shook her head in disbelief.
"It's still conjecture at this point. But I do get along with Leonard."
"Well he's sure straight," Penny chuckled, remembering the night he squealed like a pig when she went near his butt.
"Yes, he's overcompensated for years," Sheldon agreed. He looked around the bar. "Everyone here seems to be pairbonded or at least in mixed company. I'm unsure of the protocol."
"Just pick someone you think looks interesting and then we'll say hello to her on the way out," said Penny.
"Alright." A woman caught Sheldon's eye. "That red-head looks interesting although I'm not sure if her Mohawk would be a safety hazard."
"Okay, maybe not that interesting," Penny said with a smirk.
XXX
Klaatu Barada Nikto, Diana 1941! A housecoated Sheldon wrote on his computer. Tonight Raj, Penny and I went to The Laughing Buddha, a juice bar, for the purposes of expanding my social network. Aside from being startled at having my stool turn red from beet juice the day was as unfruitful as I surmised it would be—although my colon has never felt more refreshed! If your bowel movements aren't regular I recommend going there and trying the Buddha's Feast. Additionally, it is my understanding that they have a yogurt that promotes female regularity. Perhaps you should look into that.
"Okay, so why do you want me to go with you to the comic book store tomorrow?" asked Penny as Leonard and she came down the hall into the living room.
"Because they said they had the mylite bags I need," Leonard replied.
"Why not take Sheldon?"
"Well they really don't know me there so I just want to make a good impression."
A light bulb went off in Penny's head.
"And introducing me as your fiancée will make a big one," she said with a wry smile.
"Well it's better than taking a picture of you holding up today's newspaper. Too many people photoshop nowadays," Leonard chuckled as they went out the door. "Goodnight, Sheldon."
Penny and Raj put a lot of things about Amy, my ex-girlfriend, into context, Sheldon continued to type. Amy said that she was the best girlfriend I was ever going to have and as she was quite logical on her part in all other respects I took her judgment as sound. Penny assures me that there are 'other fish in the sea' so I shouldn't give up on my search. Speaking of which, how is your pursuit of a suitable mate going? Penny said to look beyond the computer so I hope you've been out and about, although I do recommend a bottle of hand sanitizer at the ready just to be safe. If only meeting someone IRL wasn't such a potential health hazard I—
From out of nowhere his eidetic memory recalled a phone number scrawled on his hand. Sheldon stopped typing and stared at his hand, recalling the feel of the pen as it inked him. Without thinking, Sheldon picked up his phone and dialled.
"Hello," he said in a slight East-Texas drawl. "I'm Sheldon Cooper. We met several years ago at the science wing cafeteria at Caltech. … That's right. … I'm good. Actually, I was wondering if you were currently in an intimate relationship? … Perhaps we could meet somewhere that's the least objectionable to both of us? … Sounds adequate. Let me check my schedule..."
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Klaatu Barada Nikto: Phrase used to greet killer robot in The Day The Earth Stood Still.