Reference to: 'The Big Bran Hypothesis'; 'The Barbarian Sublimation'
xTBBTx
"Now be nice," Bernadette warned her husband as they stood outside the Wolowitz house.
"Of course I will," Howard replied in an overly even tone. "I'm just visiting my mother and her deadbeat leech."
He opened the door and they entered. A moment later and Stuart appeared wearing his attendant's uniform.
"Hey guys," he said amiably. Bernadette gave a little wave. "I wish you said you were going to pop by. I would have baked some cookies."
"I don't want cookies," Howard growled. "I want you out of the house."
"HO-WARD, IS THAT YOU?" came Mrs. Wolowitz's voice from her main floor bedroom.
"YES MA." He went past Stuart and through the door. "I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU."
"OH SURE. WHEN YOU LIVED WITH ME YOU NEVER WANTED TO TALK BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE AWAY YOU COME OVER TO CHAT."
"NOT NOW, MA. LOOK, I'VE BEEN THINKING AND I THINK IT'S BEST STUART LEAVES AND WE GET YOU ANOTHER NURSEMAID. "
"FIRE MY STEWIE? NEVER! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!"
"So how's the comic book store coming?" Bernadette asked Stuart.
"Pretty good," he said in a tone that, for Stuart, passed for happiness. "Since the place was completely gutted we could plan the layout from scratch."
"HOW CAN I BE JEALOUS? HE MASSAGES YOUR FEET! IT'S JUST THAT I THINK YOU'RE TOO CLOSE."
"That's nice." Suddenly Bernadette was serious. "Don't give Howard any store credit. This is his mother's venture not his and we don't need any more comic book crap. Kapeech?"
"Gotcha. Although crap is kind of a harsh term." Stuart caught her look. "But acceptable in this context."
"THIS IS ABOUT THE MONEY, ISN'T IT? WELL IT'S MINE AND WHEN EITHER OF MY BUBULAS NEEDS HELP I'M THERE."
"I'M YOUR BUBULA, NOT HIM!"
"OH REALLY? THEN TELL ME WHY HE'S HERE TAKING CARE OF ME WHILE YOU'RE AT YOUR FANCY SHMANCY APARTMENT WITH BERNADETTE?"
"BECAUSE HE'S HOMELESS!"
"The only thing I miss about the old store are the vintage items I had on display," Stuart continued. "They're hard to find since most people don't want to part with them."
"Well Howard has a lot of stuff in his bedroom that we have no use for at the apartment. I'm sure he wouldn't mind," offered Bernadette.
"That's his personal stuff. I'd feel awkward asking."
"YOU'RE RIGHT. AS IF HE WOULD ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. LIKE ANYONE CARES."
"Although he does have some stuff in bins down in the rec room," mused Stuart. "Debbie already said I could use the furniture there."
"OF COURSE I CARE, CRAZY LADY! AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT STUART DOESN'T CARE, JUST THAT HE ISN'T YOUR SON AND YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT HIM THAT WAY."
"YOU MEAN I SHOULDN'T LET HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS AND IGNORE ME?"
"GIVE IT A REST, MA!"
"That was nice," Bernadette said even as both she and Stuart winced at the yelling.
"Yeah, Debbie's really nice."
"AND ANOTHER THING MR. FANCY PANTS, THE NEXT TIME YOU FEEL LIKE COMING OVER HERE TO YELL ABOUT STUART DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY HOME."
"FINE! LET HIM PUT YOU IN THE POOR HOUSE!"
Howard stormed through the door and stopped right in front of Stuart.
"This isn't over," he snapped and stomped out of the house.
"I don't think he'd mind if you used the junk in the rec room," Bernadette said.
"It's not junk, they're collectibles," Stuart amended.
"Whatever," Bernadette said as she exited the house.
xTBBTx
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"'Sup, Sheldon?" she asked as she opened the door while munching on some popcorn.
"I need a ride," he said evenly.
"Where?"
"I have a date."
"Sure, honey." To Sheldon's disgust she wiped her greasy hand on her comfy pants. "Let me just get my keys."
"Perhaps a change of clothes would be appropriate," he suggested as she went to change. "You are my ride after all."
"This isn't going to be one of those let's talk about Penny's sex life dates is it?" she snorted from the bedroom.
"Of course not," Sheldon sniffed. "We've already established the number of sexual partners you've had and before this latest stint with Leonard you'd remained single for three years. Or as Meemaw would say, your cow has run dry."
"Hey! I dated guys!" Penny came out of the bedroom wearing a red peasant top and black Capri pants and flats.
"No you didn't."
"What about Zack?"
"The last time you dated Zack was New Years Eve two thousand and eleven," said Sheldon as Penny and he exited into the hall.
"So what's your date like?" Penny said loudly as she locked her door.
"I'm not sure. We only met briefly in the university cafeteria." They began to walk down the stairs.
"And you got her number. Nice," grinned Penny. "So what's her name?"
"Philip."
"That's ni—" Penny stopped on the stairs. "What?!" she gasped before catching up to her friend.
XXX
"So are you sure about this?" asked Penny as Sheldon and she walked down the sidewalk in the dusky light.
"I'm no less prepared than I was meeting Amanda," Sheldon shrugged.
"Hey, I knew her and told ya she was okay."
"But I also told you that Leonard was a gentle and thorough lover."
"Point," Penny chuckled as she lightly elbowed Sheldon in the arm.
The pair entered the bar, facing a mixture of physically fit men, transvestites and older gentlemen who turned to see who the new faces were.
"Ah, there he is," said Sheldon as he scanned the bar. He made off and Penny quickly followed.
As they approached the table Penny was aware of more than one 'what are you doing here?' look but what got her mojo going was how many looks Sheldon was getting! Score one for plaid pants, Moonpie!
"Hello Philip," said Sheldon as the latter got up from his chair.
"Hey Sheldon," he replied and extended his hand. They shook. "Who's this?"
"Penny. She's my neighbour and ride."
"In case I'm a weirdo, huh? Good call," Philip grinned. "FYI it's also why I picked this place. They know me here."
"Prudent," nodded Sheldon.
"Want something to drink?"
"Since you've started I can get Sheldon something and find a place to hang out until you're finished," said Penny cheerily. Philip nodded and she went to the bar.
Well, he's cute, thought Penny. Philip was tall like Sheldon, but not as lanky, with brown hair and eyes. She ordered a Cuba Libre and a vodka and cranberry and returned to the table.
"Here's your Cuba Libre," she said as she placed the drink in front of Sheldon.
"Virgin?" he asked.
"Of course," she said sweetly even as she eyed Philip. "Anyways, I'll be over there so—"
"You can't leave," Sheldon said as he took a drink. His eyes widened as he swallowed.
"Sheldon, you need some alone time to talk."
"Little lady, yuh're not goin' tuh be left alone in a drinking establishment," he twanged.
"It's a gay bar. I'm the safest person in here."
"It's alright if you stay," said Philip. "Maybe I'll get to hear more of his accent."
"Sure," Penny smiled and settled herself at the table.
"So what do you do?" asked Philip to Sheldon.
"I'm a junior professor in the physics department. I'm studying dark matter."
"Cool. I'm in mechanical engineering."
"Engineering?" Sheldon wrinkled his nose.
"Take a sip, Sheldon," Penny said and with a scowl on his face he obeyed. "Remember you dated a biologist and she was all into slicing brains and other yucky stuff."
"'She'?" Philip asked, now curious. "So are you bi or haven't come out yet?"
"Actually, little buddy, ah'm not sure if ah'm gay at all. Ah never really gave much thought to muh sexuality 'til now." Sheldon took another sip through his straw and frowned. "Muh cola tastes funny."
"Just your imagination, sweetie," said Penny absently. "Sheldon and Amy were together but believe me nothing happened."
"That's not true. Ah kissed her."
"And liked it," Penny grinned as she nudged Sheldon lightly with her shoulder.
"Penny!" gasped Sheldon. "Yuh're making me sound like a traipsing harlot."
"Then tell me you didn't like it and I'll drop it."
Philip was amused at the 'grin meets scowl' between the two friends.
"What ah'm unsure of is whether ah 'liked it'"—here he used air quotes with his fingers—"because it was with Amy or that ah like kissin' in and of itself." Sheldon took a particularly long sip at his straw and felt the liquid roll down his throat. Virgin Cuba Libre mah sweet patootie.
"So why not try someone else?" Philip said simply.
"That would mean touchin'," Sheldon snorted.
"Normally does," the engineer laughed. "Maybe you can ease into it by trying it with someone you know."
"Ah suppose," mused Sheldon. "Although Leonard is engaged." He took another sip of his drink. "Philip, yuh're a 'scientist'. Would yuh be intuh conductin' an experiment? For science of course."
"For science," Philip said with a smirk.
Penny didn't know whether she had fallen into one of those parallel worlds the guys were always babbling about; her mouth dropped as she took in Sheldon leaning over and kissing Philip! It wasn't a tonsil-hunting exercise but there was time for an adjustment of lips before they parted.
"Well?" said Philip.
"Ah can't say that it wasn't pleasurable," said Sheldon slowly. "But it did seem to 'lack' somethin'."
"The connection."
"Ah suppose." Sheldon took a sip and let the liquid swish in his mouth before swallowing. "Part of the reason why Amy left me was that ah lacked desire in pursuin' a physical relationship."
"Well, if you ever want to explore that part give me a call," Philip said with a wink.
Sheldon paused before leaning over to Penny.
"Ah don't know why Wolowitz has such difficulties pursuin' coitus," he drawled. "Ah can't meet someone without bein' offered a night between the sheets."
"Wolowitz," Philip repeated. "You don't mean Howard Wolowitz?"
"YuP," said Sheldon, popping the P.
"Nice guy. But really tight pants."
"That's just to keep some of his blood away from his crotch so he can think about other things," Penny grinned.
XXX
"So what did you think?" asked Penny as Sheldon and she mounted the stairs to their floor.
"Of what?"
"Of Philip, genius."
"Well, he seems nice enough an' surprisingly interestin' for an engineer," Sheldon drawled as he carefully placed his foot on the step. According to his brain he should have been at the floor by now. Obviously that was a mistake. Although perhaps not as much as letting Penny buy him a second drink at the bar.
"And what about the kiss?" Penny prompted. "How does it compare to Amy?"
"Like ah said before, the motor function was pleasurable enough."
"But no spark, huh?"
"Well we'd only just met. It took Amy and me three years."
"Gotta speed up the timeframe a bit, Sheldon," Penny teased gently.
"How do ah do that?"
"It means you really have to get out there, doesn't it?"
Penny got Sheldon to his door and then went to her own to open it.
"Penny, a moment?"
"What?" she said as she turned around only to find Sheldon right in front of her and before her brain could wrap around that she felt his soft lips on hers. Her neck arched as he stepped into her and, while it wasn't the most dynamic of kisses, Penny still felt like she was on another planet given that it came from Sheldon.
"Fascinatin'," Sheldon breathed as their lips parted.
"What?" she gasped.
"Ah like kissin'." He gave her a drunken Cooper smile. "'Night, Ma'am." He went to his apartment and entered, leaving a stunned Penny in the hall.
"Hey Sheldon," said Leonard from inside the apartment. "What the—Why did you kiss me!?"
"Science, Leonard."
"Science?!"
With a big grin on her face Penny entered her own apartment and shut the door.
XXX
"Sheldon's Log," the physicist said aloud as he lay in his bed. "Stardate…whatever. Ah kissed three people tonight. Ah didn't feel any of this hokey 'connection' thing with Philip an Leonard was too squawky tuh be helpful. But Penny?" A goofy grin came to his face. "Ah liked it fine." He tucked his hands under his head and stared at the ceiling. "So there are other people out there that ah can physically connect with aside from Amy. Perhaps a fellow physicist or a comic book aficionado? Stuart? Well, ah could give that a try." A thought came to him that made him smile. "Howdy, Ms. Diana1941, muh name's Sheldor an' ah'd like tuh show yuh muh comic book collection."
Penny was right; there were more fish in the sea. But of what quality?
Amy was intelligent and funny and had a certain reverence for him that was attractive.
"But she nagged me constantly for sex an' date nights doin' stupid stuff like Little House on the Prairie themed dinners or how she called muh comic books 'lame-o' an' ruined Indiana Jones.
"What ah need is someone with Amy's good traits an' not her bad ones." Sheldon's eyes brightened. "An' likes comic books and trains. An kissin'."
He moved his arms to his sides and closed his eyes.
Amy said she was the best girlfriend he was ever going to have.
"Just watch me, Ms. Fowler," he said defiantly followed by a little burp that tasted like strange cola.