Reference to: 'The Luminous Fish Effect'; 'The Grasshopper Experiment'; 'The Transporter Malfunction'; 'The Adhesive Ducks Deficiency'; 'The Codpiece Topology'; 'The First Pitch Insufficiency'; 'The Lizard-Spock Expansion'; 'The Anything Can Happen Recurrence'; 'The Vacation Solution'; 'The Hawking Excitation'
xTBBTx
Sheldon's mouth felt dry and so he took up the bottled water next to his computer and had a healthy swig. He'd been conversing with Diana1941 via email for weeks and now they were about to take their friendship to the next step—live chatting. His abdominal muscles contracted and he felt a warming flush through his body. IRC. She actually suggested IRC and Sheldon was so delighted at the prospect of using the, by technological standards, ancient form of communication.
"Wait until she gets a load of my Commodore Vic 20," he burbled happily. "A machine whose RAM capabilities couldn't even store a lengthy letter to my Meemaw."
He checked his watch and it was time so he clicked on to his Mirc chat relay and logged in as 'Sheldor' in the Undernet stream. From memory he typed in the name of the channel Diana1941 had put into her last email and, after a pause with his finger hovering over the 'Enter' key, clicked to join #JLAHeadquarters.
And there she was.
Diana1941: Hi there!
Unconsciously Sheldon smiled.
Sheldor: Greetings Diana1941! I wholeheartedly approve of our 'location', both the IRC and the JLA Headquarters.
Diana1941: I thought you'd like it.
Of course I have my JLA Membership card in my wallet. Can you say the same?
Diana1941: Is it authentic?
Signed by Bat-Man himself.
Diana1941: Well as I'm on a first-name basis with Bat-Man I assure you he can vouch for me.
Diana1941, without proper documentation the world will fall into chaos.
Diana1941: So that's your super power—organizing paperwork!
Hardly, although I am a notary public.
Diana1941: Then I suppose I better be more careful of what I write to you.
I assure you you've done nothing to warrant scrutiny. That is, apart from sending me your recipe for whole wheat peanut butter and carob cookies. Naughty naughty.
Diana1941: Hey, you set yourself up with the cookies conversation. How can a woman resist?
I'll be sure not to tantalise you further since your impulse control is so lax.
Diana1941: So you didn't try my cookies?
Yes I did and they were delicious but that's secondary to my point.
Diana1941: Yes, yes, I lack impulse control says the one who's out there conducting kissing experiments.
Kissing is more than just two lips pressing together. My experiences have shown me that there are other variables at play which dictate how pleasurable the experience is.
Diana1941: *SMOOCHIE*
Diana1941: So how was it?
I must admit I've never experienced a kiss with such byte.
Diana1941: I'm a Humanities professor; believe me when I say I know how to 'capitalize' on a situation.
You never said where you worked. I'm at Caltech.
Diana1941: I hear that's a great school.
I'm not unhappy with it. And I take it you're avoiding my question?
Diana1941: Bingo.
Diana1941: Although don't take it that I respect you only for your font.
Yes, my Calibri is attractive.
Apparently my roommate was right; you do have a wit about you that's appealing.
Diana1941: I like your roommate already.
He's short, myopic, lactose intolerant, an experimental physicist and otherwise engaged. Plus he talks while being kissed and that tickles the lips.
Diana1941: You kissed him, too?
As I said to you previously, I've recently discovered that I like the act of kissing. My experiences are limited and it's in my nature to explore once my curiosity is piqued.
Diana1941: Sounds like you need to set up a kissing booth at a local fair.
Hardly. I have no desire to mix with the folksy crowd. I grew up in the hickdom that is East Texas and I sure don't want to experience anything that reminds me of 'home'.
Diana1941: As bad as that?
It was hell. I was the only science-believing atheist in my city. My mother kept cold-cocking me on the head with her bible whenever I showed any lip.
Diana1941: Yikes! Well, I might be surrounded by books but I promise not to hit you with one. I love books too much!
I see you're trying to appear on my Mortal Enemies list.
Diana1941: Wow, I've never been a Mortal Enemy before! A pain in the ass, yes, but never one garnering such enmity. Muah-ha-ha.
Your sarcasm is noted. Welcome to the list.
Diana1941: I feel honored to have such a worthy adversary. So is this to the death or until I make you say, 'Uncle'?
I'm in the midst of looking over my schematic for a sonic death ray I made when I was a child.
Diana1941: A sonic death ray? Note to self, wear ear muffs when I meet you.
You really think your ear protection will save you?
Diana1941: Well they're fuzzy.
Sheldon smiled even as he typed his reply.
xTBBTx
"Gentlemen," said Sheldon as he cleaned his fingers with his napkin. "I'm in need of advice."
"Do it," said Raj.
"Don't do it," added Leonard.
"Cut the blue wire," smirked Howard.
Sheldon scowled as he set the napkin down next to his lunch tray.
"What is it?" Leonard said with a smile, enjoying the scowl from his roommate for all it was worth.
"Penny has talked me into going on another 'blind date'—this one with one of Bernadette's acquaintances," said Sheldon. "Penny has been at my two previous rendezvous but this will be the first one I'm doing on my own. I was wondering if you had any advice?"
"Does she know what you look like?" asked Raj.
"Most likely."
"So who is it? Laura?" asked Howard innocently. He really didn't like Laura and this could be his chance at getting rid of her.
"No, Charlene. She's a paleontologist. Bernadette said that she wanted to meet me to see if I was 'okay' since she met a lot of 'losers' online," said Sheldon using air quotes with his fingers.
"Ah, the dance begins," nodded Howard. "Yeah, I've been there a few times." He began cutting up his chicken.
"Well it's a bright side that she still wants to meet you since she knows what you look like," said Raj.
"What's wrong with how I look?" asked Sheldon with narrowed eyes.
"Nothing if you like praying mantises," Raj chuckled garnering a glare.
"I see this was a mistake," Sheldon said crisply.
"Sorry, Sheldon. Look, all I can say is make sure you don't comment on her weight," said Raj as he thought about Lalita. "And stay away from her if she's a lesbian in need of a man to fool her parents."
"And if she's an Orion Slave Girl make sure she's a woman," snickered Howard.
"Or not your cousin," Raj growled back causing Howard to lose his smile.
"Hey, I also met Bernie on a blind date," he said.
"And Stephanie's roommate," added Leonard, trying unsuccessfully to reign in his grin. "Remember when you—"
"I don't think we need to go there," Howard said quickly.
"All I know is that if you meet her and she's loud, rude and orders the most expensive thing on the menu, run," said Leonard.
"But you ended up sleeping with Janice," Howard snorted.
"That was poor judgment," Leonard replied with a bit of a blush.
"So do you know where you're going?" Raj asked Sheldon.
"The Museum of Natural History," Sheldon replied before taking a forkful of peas.
"That's too predictable," said Howard. "How about taking her to a baseball game this Saturday? I'm going to be tossing out the ceremonial first pitch."
"Charlene is the one who arranged the location for the date," said Sheldon. "Besides, that would mean eating stadium hotdogs," he shuddered.
"And you might not impress your date for knowing who Howard is after he messes up his throw," said Raj.
"Well let me see you try," Howard growled.
"Dude, I played cricket."
"Well, I've got something I've been working on, so tune in Saturday," sniffed the engineer.
"Oh, believe me, we wouldn't miss this for the world," said Leonard.
"Yeah, the only thing is make sure you don't sit next to Bernie. She's still mad at you for telling Penny about the doctor sending her flowers."
"So why did you tell me?" Leonard said with a frown.
"Oh sure, blame the middle man," Howard said.
"You know Penny and I still fight over that," sighed Leonard.
"No, Penny probably fights with you because you won't let it go," Raj corrected.
"That's not true," Leonard replied indignantly. "I let things go all the time." Sheldon snorted. "What?"
"You mean that wasn't a Bazinga?" Sheldon said.
xTBBTx
"So anyways, thanks again about helping me out with Sheldon," said Penny as she peppered her macaroni salad.
"Yeah, I still feel guilty about that," sighed Bernadette. "Still, when you asked me for a name Charlene was the first one that came up who could have something in common with Sheldon."
"And wouldn't kill him."
"Well she worked at dinosaur sites in Alberta. At the very least she'd know how to hide the body if something happened." Both ladies laughed.
"I was thinking about posting another profile for him but I'm not so sure that's a good idea," said Penny as she ate. "He's talking to a woman who likes his current whack job one."
"She's not another Amy is she?" Bernadette gasped, her face paling.
"Leonard says this one has a sense of humour and likes comic books," soothed Penny.
"Huh. It's always funny to think that it can go the other way, too. You know, girls liking comic books," said Bernadette.
"Leonard assures me that there are a lot of girls at Comic Con."
"Is he still trying to get you to go?"
"He keeps thinking I'll have a stroke or something and agree," Penny said with a roll of the eyes.
"I told Howie that I'll only dress up in public for Halloween," Bernadette said adamantly.
"In public for Halloween, huh?" grinned Penny. "Guess the bedroom's another matter."
"Yeah," Bernadette said in an annoyed tone. "Every time I owe him one it's back to my old Catholic school girl outfit."
"Yeah, well, it's better than Star Trek," Penny said.
"Really? You mean you—"
"Just what a girl likes to be called, 'Shuttle Bay One'." Now it was Bernadette's turn to grin.
"Wow. We really do a lot to put up with them sometimes," she said as her smile faded.
"I guess that's what love's all about," said Penny. "Give and take. Push and pull. Oh, speaking of give and take I went to see a guy at the bank about my finances. He said alongside my savings I should invest some of it in mutual funds, my 401K, and a little dabble in the stock market."
"Ooo, look at you, Penny the investor," Bernadette winked as she ate her salad. "So what about my suggestion for a prenup? Did you go over that?"
"Gee, I'm still not sure about that," Penny said. "When I mentioned it to Leonard a while ago he said that if I was a movie star he wouldn't want a prenup since he'd be home taking care of the babies while I'm on set having an affair with Ryan Gosling."
"But you're not going to be a movie star, so that means you have to be extra careful with your money," Bernadette pointed out. "I mean look at Leonard, he's given you loans but he's never given you money."
"He bought me a car," Penny countered. "That reminds me, I'm gonna sell it and give him the money back. Since the company gave me a car to use it's pointless having two cars."
"Sounds like you see it as his money."
"It is his money."
"But you're together. According to you, wouldn't that be both his and your money?" said Bernadette. "See, with Howard and me, the money is kept separate except for a joint bank account for bills. Although it helps that I keep track of all the accounts or else I'd be up to my armpits with toys and comics."
"Yeah but I'm the spender between Leonard and me," said Penny.
"So that means you have more to lose if things go sour."
"Why would things go sour?" Penny said with a frown. "Leonard and I have known each other for eight years."
"Eight years of on again off again on again," snorted Bernadette. "You mean to tell me you're one hundred percent sure that it won't be off again?"
"Pretty sure," Penny said after a moment and with a flush on her face.
"'Pretty sure' equals prenup, chum," said Bernadette before taking a sip of her green tea.
xTBBTX
Sheldon flashed his museum pass to the attendant as he entered the great hall. Charlene said he'd find her at the entrance to the dinosaur exhibit. Penny said to wear something casual yet dressy and so he had obliged. As it was Saturday he went with Bat-Man and opted for the blue shirt with the glossy Bat-Man logo. He was relieved that a casual meet didn't mean his grey shirt and sports jacket—something that was practically mandatory whenever Amy suggested a 'date-like' activity.
He ascended the wide marble staircase to the left and made his way down the long diagonal hall until he entered the Galleries of the Ancient Dinosaurs. As he was early he spent his time looking over the fossilized coelophysis, an eight foot tall North American meat eater of the Triassic period. With his superior memory and frequent visits to the museum Sheldon didn't need to read the placard. Instead his eyes took in the shape of the dinosaur's long tail and legs and shortened forelegs and medium length neck.
"Well this is a treat," said a woman's voice and Sheldon turned to see a dark curly haired woman of, what he guessed to be, South American descent. "You actually look like your photo."
"Why wouldn't I look like my photo?" said Sheldon.
"Believe me, Sheldon, I've been on more dates than enough where I find out that the guy showed me a photo that's at least five to seven years old."
"Ah. Well I admit I hadn't realized that was the norm."
"It's okay," Charlene smiled. "Believe me this is a big plus in your favor. So, shall we begin our tour?"
"I've already memorized the exhibits," said Sheldon as they walked. "So we can skim through them to see my favorites, unless you have something to contribute beyond the placards."
"Fair enough."
"So how long have you known Bernadette?" he asked casually.
"Since undergrad. We met at an intro to archaeology course." She pointed at a large salamander-like fossil. "They've just uncovered a large body of Metoposaurus algarvensis in the Iberian peninsula. The speculation is that it was a lake which had dried up in the late Triassic period."
"They say it was one of the Earth's top predators," said Sheldon. "But Bernadette is a microbiologist."
"It was a breadth requirement course since it also crosses with social sciences," said Charlene. She stopped walking and turned to Sheldon. "So how do you know Bernie?"
"She's married to a friend of mine," said Sheldon.
"Howard's your friend?" said Charlotte with a smirk. "Well, this should be an interesting date."
"Howard is a peculiar little man but he does have his good points. Like for instance, he gave my science paper to Stephen Hawking."
"That's cool."
"Of course I had to polish the pee off his belt buckles and dress up like a French maid, but I suppose that diminishes my point," Sheldon added.
"A little bit," Charlene said as she pinched her thumb and forefinger together. "But enough about that. Want a behind the scenes tour of the museum's artifact storage rooms?"
"Would I!" Sheldon beamed. "I love rooms where things are properly labeled and numbered. I've spent hours at the Reference Library organizing their shelves."
"You volunteer there?"
"No. I just like doing it. I find it relaxing."
Charlene just smiled as the pair continued through the exhibit.
XXX
Howard walked down the tunnel away from the dugout and into a large waiting area just outside the team dressing room. His cheeks were flushed and his ears rang from a stadium-sized chorus of boos and cat-calls. The idea to use the MARS Rover to deliver the first pitch was brilliant—in theory. In practice he realized that he should have tested this beforehand as he would have realized starting the Rover from the pitcher's mound was a disaster in the making given its slow as molasses movement.
He heard the clicking of high heels down the hall and then Bernadette appeared.
"Hi Howie," she said sympathetically.
"What do you want?" he growled.
"Just seeing how you're doing," she squeaked. "They managed to get the Rover off the field and the game was only delayed fifteen minutes."
"Well now I know what thirty thousand booing people sound like," he sighed.
"Not everyone was booing."
"That's right," Howard said crisply. "Some of them were cat-calling me." He began to pace and then stopped. "I heard you guys. Raj. Leonard. You. I mean, 'You suck Wolowitz!' What the hell is that?"
"We didn't mean it," said Bernadette. "I guess we all got caught up in the crowd."
"It still hurt."
"I'm sorry." She went to her husband and gave him a hug. Howard sighed heavily.
"If only I'd stuck it out practicing throwing the ball," he said. "Then I would have skipped all this humiliation."
Bernadette had horrific flashbacks to their practice sessions in the university gymnasium where Howard couldn't toss the ball sixty feet much less accurately over the plate.
"Maybe you should just let this go," she simply said.
XXX
Sheldon entered his apartment to find Leonard and Penny on the couch watching a movie.
"How was the baseball game?" he asked.
"We got it on DVR so you can see the opening," chuckled Leonard. "It was pretty memorable."
"Okay, enough of that. So how was the date?" Penny said eagerly.
"Well," Sheldon began. "Charlene and I went through the dinosaur and mammal exhibits before taking in the Classical Greek and Roman exhibits and—"
"Yeah, yeah, you saw a lot of old stuff. I mean how was Charlene?"
"In her favor she loves dinosaurs and has backroom access to artifacts," said Sheldon slowly as he went to his computer. "But she doesn't like comic books and is indifferent to trains." He sat in his chair. "Plus she didn't get even one of my counterfactuals."
"Aw, not Counterfactuals," groaned Leonard.
"Why not?" said Sheldon as he logged on and went to his email. "How am I to determine our compatibility if I don't test her IQ?"
"Honey, people don't get together based on how smart they are," Penny said amiably.
"You mean like you and Leonard."
"Exactly," said Leonard with a smile until he took in Penny's death glare.
"What, you're saying I'm not smart?" she snapped.
"Of course you are," he said nervously. "I—The point is we get along."
"Well that feels like a pat on the head," she said coldly.
Greetings Diana1941, typed Sheldon as Penny and Leonard continued to argue. I've just returned from my outing with Charlene. Her paleontological knowledge was sound and we spent our time discussing current discoveries. The only thing is she didn't like Jurassic Park so I question how dedicated she is to her profession.
"You always treat me like I'm stupid," Penny continued. "Like with Justin or my acting career or—"
"I'm not saying that you're stupid," Leonard countered. "Only that you sometimes make stupid choices."
Penny turned on her heel and marched out the door, slamming it shut behind her.
Additionally, continued Sheldon. Charlene said that I was refreshing because I actually look like my profile picture. I hadn't realized that—
"Thanks a lot, Sheldon," growled Leonard.
"For what?"
"You really need to know when to keep your mouth shut sometimes." Leonard pointed at the door. "Now get over there and apologize to Penny."
"Apologize for what?"
"Saying Penny is stupid!"
"I didn't say she was stupid," Sheldon countered. "You're inferring I had."
Leonard gave a big sigh.
"I'll wait until Penny's calm enough that she won't kill me on sight," he said and went to his room.
Sheldon typed a few more sentences before he stopped and glanced at the door. He then saved his email and closed his laptop before venturing out the door and across the hall.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"What do you want, Sheldon?" Penny called out.
"Leonard informs me that I upset you."
"Door's open." Sheldon entered to find Penny sitting on the couch with a large glass of wine in hand. "You didn't upset me—I'm used to the whacked way you say things. Leonard's the asshat here."
"Alright then." Sheldon turned to go but hesitated. "I had a relationship of the mind with Amy. Only it seemed to diminish in importance as our relationship changed parameters."
"That happens," Penny said before taking a sip of her wine.
Sheldon closed the door.
"Amy said when she left me that she didn't respect me," he continued. "Upon reflection that statement hurt me more than her actual leaving."
"Honey I'm sorry."
"Relationships are desirable—to a point. It's up to each of us to decide and define what that point is." Sheldon looked directly at Penny. "I love Amy and yet she doesn't respect me. You and Leonard say you love each other yet you continue to argue."
"That happens in a relationship," Penny said. "Just because we say things doesn't mean Leonard and I don't love each other."
"My parents fought," Sheldon frowned. "I didn't like that."
"People are passionate," shrugged Penny. "You might want your brainy relationship and I'm not saying you're not gonna meet someone smart. Only that when you get to really like them then things will get heated from time to time. Get near the fire you'll get burned sometimes as my dad says."
"Penny, do you respect me?"
"Of course I do. You're the craziest—in a good way—person I've ever met. I love having you in my life. I couldn't imagine you not being here." She leaned back on the couch and smiled warmly. "I mean look at us, two dreamers really making it. I've finally got my act together and got a career and a fiancé and you're a professor now working on your dark matter stuff."
"We're both starting over."
"Not starting over. Boldly going to the stars, Mr. Spock," she said with a salute.
"I've changed by necessity," Sheldon countered. "String theory is a dead end so I'm not following my dreams rather than logic."
"Whatever ya wanna call it, sweetie," Penny said before taking a sip of wine.
"But what you said about traversing the stars," he continued slowly. "Does what you're doing now really constitute following your dreams?"
"Of course it does. I wanted to be successful and meet a nice guy."
"Ah," he said as he clasped his hands behind his back. "So the Penny I saw struggle for over seven years to be an actress wasn't following a dream?"
"It was an unrealistic one," she said in a lower tone.
"So you settled," he clarified.
"Sheldon, growing up isn't settling," Penny said adamantly.
"Likewise, settling doesn't mean you're growing up. It means you've given up. I haven't."
To Penny, Sheldon looked every inch his six foot two as he turned and exited her apartment.
"Always the dreamer, aren't you?" she murmured.
Penny stared at her glass of wine before taking a big gulp.