Reference to: 'The Intimacy Acceleration'; 'The Expedition Approximation'; 'Pilot'; 'The Cooper/Kripke Inversion'
xTBBTx
"So we're all packed?" asked Leonard excitedly as the guys sat at their lunch table.
"Packed and ready to go," Raj beamed. "I can't wait for Comic Con!"
Sheldon set down his bottled water on the tray.
"Howard, you've rectified your phaser issue with your costume?" he asked.
"Yeah, yeah, Mark II phaser not Mark I," the engineer grumbled.
"Excellent. As this is the year for Star Wars our Star Trek costumes will make us stand out," Sheldon said evenly but with a sparkle to his eyes. A thought came to him and he stiffened. "We're still in agreement that there will be no significant others on this trip?"
"Not on your life," snorted Howard. "I already got some heavy teasing for having my Star Trek uniform in the apartment."
"I know the feeling," said Leonard, with a wry look. "Penny practically fell asleep when I tried to explain the differences between the phaser types."
Sheldon swallowed his bite of sandwich.
"And in the spirit of Classic Star Trek we shall be a landing party exploring a non-Federation gathering of dignitaries spanning dimensions and timelines," he said excitedly. "As representatives of the Federation it's our responsibility to get to know as many people as possible."
"Better be careful, buddy," said Howard as he chewed his rice. "An awful lot can happen at a convention you might not expect."
"Like what?"
"Raj?"
"Things can happen," Raj said darkly as he glared at Howard.
"I don't follow," said Sheldon. "You need to be more specific."
"Anything under the sun can happen there, Sheldon," said Howard enthusiastically. "Making out with a male Orion slave girl or a threesome with Sailor Moon or a night putting the moves on a slave girl outfitted Princess Leia."
"I've always been more attracted to Darth Vader," Sheldon replied. Howard blinked.
"Whatever floats your boat," he said. "The point is, it all happens there and you've got to be careful."
"I see," nodded Sheldon. He set down his fork. "Well I don't want any of that."
"Good," sighed Leonard, relieved he didn't need the condom talk with his roommate.
"I just want to meet a variety of people with similar interests and imaginative oral dexterity."
"Oral..." Raj's eyes lit up. "You mean you're kissing people now?"
"As Leonard can attest—"
"Leonard is not going to attest," Leonard said stiffly. "In fact Leonard wants to forget all about it."
"I don't blame you," Sheldon agreed. "Your technique is deplorable."
"Sheldon, you better slow down," said Raj. "People think that kissing is a precursor to sex."
"Odd. I never thought so."
"That's you. We're talking about the rest of humanity."
"Ah. I'll take this under advisement."
"Good," Leonard said firmly. "Now, we'll hook up at Dennys tomorrow and head off." Everyone agreed except for Howard. "Howard?"
"Just finishing up my twitter post," the engineer muttered distractedly albeit with a grin on his face.
"You better not mention Sheldon and me kissing," growled Leonard as he pulled out his phone.
"Of course I didn't," Howard said innocently. "Well, at least didn't say it directly."
"'Sheldon says that Leonard's kissing technique is deplorable.'" Leonard glared at Howard. "I hate you."
"Want him to kiss it better?" chuckled Raj.
XXX
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"What's up, buttercup?" asked Penny as she opened her door.
"I want to know how to go about kissing someone without implying I want to have intercourse," said Sheldon evenly. Penny's eyes widened.
"Ooo-kay. And why are you asking me?"
He raised an eyebrow. "You mean you always put out after kissing?"
"Of course not!" Penny pulled him into the apartment and closed the door. "Geez!" She dragged him over and sat him on the couch before proceeding to the kitchen to get herself a glass of wine. Somehow she knew she was going to need it. "So what brought this up?"
"Well, as you're aware I'm going to Comic Con this weekend," said Sheldon as he did his best to make himself comfortable. "It gives me the opportunity to meet people with similar interests."
"So look at it as a place where you hand out your business card rather than do anything physical," Penny replied as she poured the wine into her glass.
"It's just a kiss," shrugged Sheldon. "I haven't pledged my eternal devotion or offered my loins to someone."
"You kiss because you're interested not because you're conducting a science experiment."
"But how am I supposed to know if I'm interested if I haven't kissed?" Sheldon fidgeted in his seat before sliding to the edge of the couch to be in a sort of half-crouch. "I like to kiss therefore it has become a quality I'm looking for. Additionally, my 'science' that you poo-poo is critical to the selection process. Even you use it, although it's obvious you're oblivious to it."
"Gee thanks," Penny said before taking a sip of wine.
"Based on my observations there is a reasonable amount of technique involved in kissing and a level of familiarity deepens the enjoyment. Although there is a limit as to how much 'liking' someone can do to enhance the experience."
"What do you mean?"
"I love Amy and yet I can't say she's the best kisser I've had." Penny rolled her eyes.
"Sheldon, you don't just rank people."
"Why not? It's data, plain and simple. "
"So you mean you ranked me?"
"Of course," Sheldon said evenly. "Your technique was inferior to Philip's but given that he was prepared for a kiss and you weren't I'm lenient. Moreover, our connection as friends made the experience pleasurable as I know you and, thus, felt comfortable." Pause. "Plus you went back to green apple shampoo."
"Huh," Penny said, flattered while at the same time unsure of how to take the analysis.
"Without a doubt Leonard is the worst kisser I've experienced," Sheldon said, making a face. "What you see in that homunculus's sexual prowess I'll never know."
"Hey! Leonard's not that...he tries." Penny took a big gulp of wine.
"Some romance novels I've read talk of one's toes 'curling' at the intensity of the kiss. Is this possible?"
"YuP."
"Has it happened to you?"
"A few times, yeah."
"Has it happened with you and Leonard?"
"Anyways, just meet people," Penny said quickly and a little loudly. "Keep the kisses to a minimum. Or at least don't forget breath mints."
"Alright." Sheldon got off the couch. "Thank you, Penny."
"You're welcome, sweetie. Good luck."
Sheldon went to the door before turning around.
"I make my own luck, kitten." He winked and left the room.
"I wonder what kind of romance books he was reading?" Penny grinned.
XXX
"Well that's that," said Howard with a grin as he put his suitcase by the door. "First thing tomorrow morning I'm off with Raj."
"I hope you have a good time," Bernadette said from their kitchen table as she did some paperwork.
"There's a Star Wars preview and a Q&A with Chris Pratt and Bautista about Guardians 2," he burbled.
"Sounds like fun," she said without looking up from her work. "Just remember your limits or else you'll be brown-bagging it next week."
Howard was confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Your weekly allowance. Unless you did the smart thing and saved up for this."
"This isn't saving up for a new Vespa, this is Comic Con!" Howard gasped. "I can't spend the weekend on one week's allowance! And quit calling it an allowance!"
"I'm already being nice," Bernadette said crisply as she set her pen on the table. "I've broken down your half of the hotel room over the next six months so you won't be eating at home while I'm over at Penny's."
"You mean I'm getting my allowance cut?" said Howard hoarsely.
"It's no big deal. Just cut out some of your comic books and you'll be fine."
"Cut out my comic books?! What about your trip to Vegas?" Howard snapped. "How did that come out of your allowance?"
"That came from my salary," Bernadette shot back. "Unlike some of us in this household I actually make a sufficient income to support my vacations."
"Hey, I helped support Ma at the same time I went to Comic Con and I still had money left over for comic books." Howard marched to the door. "It's funny how I could afford things until I married you and now I can't even balance my own cheque book since you won't let me!" He picked up his suitcase. "I'm a grown man who's been to outer space so if I decide I want to spend my weekend dressed as Chekov you can't stop me."
"Where are you going?" Bernadette growled as he opened the door.
"Raj's. If I'm going to be sleeping on a couch it doesn't matter whose it is."
He closed the door behind him, leaving Bernadette and her scowl in the room.
xTBBTx
"So what do you want to do until the panel starts?" asked an Original Trek Klingon Raj.
"Well we could check out the displays in 'A' wing since it's the closest to the theater," replied Kirk-Leonard.
"Let's go to the Ferengi Trader's Market," said Spock-Sheldon. "It's early yet so we can peruse the merchandise before it's picked over."
"Sounds like a plan," said Chekov-Howard and the group headed to the shopping complex.
When they entered the room their eyes lit up at the many tables of exotic and priceless collectables.
"I have some comic books to look for," said Sheldon breathlessly. "Shall we meet back here at ten o'clock?"
"Sounds good," said Leonard as he checked his watch. "I'll go with you. I need a copy of Sandman issue one for Penny's nephew. He really liked Hellblazer and I want to broaden his horizons."
"That shouldn't be too hard given that he's in Nebraska," snorted Sheldon and the pair went on their way.
"I need to find something for Emily," said Raj as Howard and he began to scan the merchant tables. "She's into horror stuff so I'm thinking something vintage slasher."
"You mean Emily would like it here?" asked Howard.
"Of course she would. She does the Zombie Walk every Halloween and wants to take me to this place where you solve riddles to escape the locked room and a mutant zombie," Raj said as he looked over a Conan the Barbarian action figure. "She's not into the superhero movies as much but she really liked the Joker in The Dark Knight."
"I don't know what that says about your girlfriend," chuckled Howard. "Be careful where you leave the pencils in your apartment."
"Believe me, I lock them in my desk drawer," Raj said seriously. "But as a bright side to all this I feel extremely safe walking in dark alleys with her."
Howard stopped and surveyed his surroundings.
"You know, there isn't one thing I could buy Bernadette in this entire building," he said in an odd tone that caught Raj's attention. "Not a Tribble or a Muppet Labs model set." Pause. "All of this would be junk to her."
"Not everyone has the same tastes," Raj said sympathetically. "I mean I'm not into horror movies but I watch them because Emily likes them."
"But you don't criticize her for liking them," Howard replied as the pair resumed shopping.
"Of course not," said Raj. "She likes them and I respect that." A smirk came to his face. "Besides, all the scares and gore get her excited."
"I've lived in Bernie's apartment for over a year and it's still her apartment," said Howard. "No model rockets or action figures or even my light sabers."
"Yeah, that surprised me about the light sabers," said Raj as he looked over the Todd McFarlane Movie Maniacs action figures. He held up two packages. "Howard, should I get the Jason Voorhees or the Freddy Krueger figure?" At the silence Raj turned to see that Howard had gone on to another table with Star Wars merchandise. "Just a moment," he said to the vendor as he handed back the packages before heading over to Howard.
"I'll take it," said Howard to the vendor, who looked very pleased.
"What did you get?" asked Raj as the vendor pulled the plug on the glowing light-sword from the new Star Wars movie.
"I'll also take the Tie Fighter belt buckle," Howard added.
"Dude, you sure about this?" asked Raj.
"I'm just doing what Bernadette always does—shop therapy," said Howard with a grim smile as he pulled out his wallet.
XXX
"Yes, I'm having a good time," Raj said as he sat on his hotel bed talking with Emily on the phone. "I think we're going filking soon. ... Filking. It's singing songs with a science fiction or fantasy theme. ... Like Weird Al's Yoda. ... I'll see you Monday night. Dinner at my place? ... Excellent. ...Bye." He hung up and turned to his best friend who sat on his own bed looking over an assortment of collectibles with a dejected look on his face. "What's up?"
"I wonder if I can return some of this tomorrow?" sighed Howard.
"Do you want to?"
"Not really." Howard shook his head. "But Bernie's going to kill me." He traced along the light sword blade with his finger. "I don't know why but I feel ashamed of this stuff." He looked to his best friend. "I mean belt buckles aside, where am I going to put the Hawkman action figure or the light sword much less everything else? Bernie won't let me put it in the bedroom and there's no room in the living room."
"How about this," said Raj gently. "Store the stuff at my place then bring it into the apartment a little at a time."
"I guess."
"Howard, it's your place too," Raj said with a slight frown.
Knock Knock Knock "Raj and Howard."
Knock Knock Knock "Raj and Howard."
Knock Knock Knock "Raj and Howard."
Raj went over and opened the door to Sheldon and Leonard.
"It's nine o'clock," Sheldon said. "Time to socialize."
"But the filking doesn't start until ten," replied Raj.
"There's the Mos Eisley spaceport common room. It's twenty four hours."
"You mean you want to go to the social room?" gasped Raj. "You?"
"Grab your gear and let's go," Sheldon said with a snap of the fingers.
"He's right. Let's go," said Howard as he got off the bed.
Raj nodded and the pair followed Sheldon and Leonard down the hall to the elevator.
"So you all realize that it's early yet," said Howard. "The social room should be filled with desperate losers looking to latch on to cool people and party."
"Good thing we're no longer desperate," grinned Raj.
"I fail to see why being single is such an affliction that one becomes desperate if he's not pair bonded," tsked Sheldon as the elevator arrived and they got in and went to the proper floor.
"Then why are you going to the social room?" asked Leonard.
"How else am I supposed to widen my circle of acquaintances? Besides, I reject your notion that I'm desperate."
The elevator opened and the group went down the hall and into the social room—a place with non-alcoholic beverages, snack foods and ample seating. To their surprise the room was more than half capacity.
"Obviously people want to get the partay started," grinned Raj.
"I see," said Sheldon as he scanned the room filled with Romulans, Sith lords, superheroes and other assorted beings. "So based on your prior experiences how do we go about socializing?"
"To be honest we just stood against the wall and stared at all the hot alien chicks," said Raj with a bit of a blush. "It wasn't much of a plan but without alcohol here it makes things kind of tough."
"So why did you come here?"
Howard pointed to the tack board.
"That's the place people post room numbers for open parties," he said. "We'd grab a few, go filk until midnight and then hit the rooms once we thought the partiers were sufficiently drunk enough to let us in."
Sheldon nodded and went over to the message board where a dirty blonde haired woman wearing a silver Seven of Nine outfit was looking over the bulletins. He glanced at the board, memorizing its contents before looking at her. He then pulled out his tricorder and gave her a scan.
"Fascinating," he said with a raised eyebrow. "Your implants are impressive."
"My breasts aren't Borg enhanced," the woman said with a smirk even though her eyes didn't leave the board.
"Why would they be enhanced?" asked Sheldon, puzzled. "Apart from Seven of Nine's eye, ear and hand implants the only other trace of Borg technology comes in the form of her Carapace without which her intestines would fall on the floor." The woman turned to him, curiosity on her face. "How did you stabilize the liquid latex for your hand?"
"I used a black rubber glove," she said as she showed off her Borg hand. "The tips are—"
"Rubber tips from Office Depot," Sheldon said. "I see you turned them inside out."
"Yup," the woman said, pleased. "The only thing I'm having a little problem with is the eye piece as the spirit gum just isn't working."
"It's a difficult location both gravity-wise and from a perspiration perspective," agreed Sheldon. "I'd recommend a medical adhesive that requires its own solvent. You can find it at specialty costume and makeup shops."
"Thanks," she smiled. "I'm Tracy."
"Sheldon."
"Are you here by yourself, Sheldon?"
"No, my friends are over there by the couch pretending to be wall ornaments," Sheldon sniffed. "I really don't see the point in waiting to socialize with drunk people as 'the plan'"—he used finger quotes—"seems to be. I much prefer intellectual conversation." He raised an eyebrow. "But that could be my Vulcan nature."
"Well that will make you stand out," Tracy chuckled. "Not here for even a little fun?"
"Why does 'fun' mean drunkenness and coitus? Why can't it mean Star Trek trivia and cross-species oral stimulation?"
"Oral stimulation?"
"As I've recently discovered that I like kissing I realized that Comic Con offers a plethora of species with which to practice," Sheldon said seriously.
"Have you tried a Borg yet?" asked Tracy with an impish smile.
"No."
She gave him a light peck on the lips.
"You have been assimilated," she said with a wink. In response Sheldon pulled out his tricorder sensor and scanned his lips.
"How did I not think about using a tricorder?" gasped Howard as Raj, Leonard and he gawked at Sheldon talking with Tracy.
"Chicks dig Vulcans and Klingons, puny human," smiled Raj.
Sheldon and Tracy came over to the gang.
"Tracy said there's a pre-party gathering up in room five twelve," he said.
"Actually, we were going to get a seat in the filking room," Raj replied.
"Very well. I'll see you there or at our hotel room." Sheldon and Tracy left the room.
"Or in the morning staggering back from Tracy's room," Howard said in a sly voice.
"What the frak just happened here?" gasped Leonard. "None of us could get a woman if we tried and here Sheldon is scooping up Seven of Frakken Nine!"
"Exactly Leonard," said Raj. "If we tried. Until now Sheldon never did."
XXX
Tracy and Sheldon made it to the hotel room and she knocked.
"Password," said a man's voice tinged with an Albertan accent from behind the door.
"Two, ten, eleven," Tracy said.
The door opened and Sheldon's eyes widened at the sight of a six foot five Next Generation Klingon with what looked to be genuine dreadlocks flowing down to mid back. The Klingon took in Sheldon and raised himself to his full height.
"A Vulcan?" he growled. "Much less Federation scum?"
"He's here on a cultural exchange," Tracy said amiably. "Besides he's been assimilated."
"Alright Vulcan, you've heard the pass code. Tell me its significance and you can enter."
Sheldon cocked his head in thought.
"Well it's not a coordinate, star date or log entry," he said. "In fact, the only reference to those numbers in that sequence comes from the Addams Family's vault combination. Two, ten, eleven. Eyes, fingers, toes."
The Klingon opened the door and indicated with a grunt and a swing of the head that the pair should enter.
"You told him," a short Bajoran woman with a blunt bob cut and red skin tight body suit said.
"I sweat I didn't," Tracy laughed as another Klingon, this one shorter than Sheldon and more than a few pounds heavier, handed her a wine cooler. "Out of character, this is Sheldon." Here she smiled. "He likes my implants—and means it too."
"Good to know," the dreadlocked man said. "I'm Dragan."
"Kim," said the Bajoran.
"Ron," said the other Klingon.
"Where's Jay?" Tracy asked.
"Still getting ready," said Kim as she flumped down on a chair and took up her cooler. "He bought a bunch of stuff and wants to add them to his costume."
"Beer?" Ron asked Sheldon.
"No thank you. I don't drink," he replied.
"Asking a Vulcan to drink," Tracy teased. "For shame, Ron."
"More beer for me," Ron replied with a grin.
"I take it Jay will also be dressed as a Klingon?" Sheldon asked as he went to stand by the television set next to Tracy.
"Every year we dress like Klingons and go caroling all the party rooms looking for blood ale." Dragan narrowed his eyes at Kim. "Only some chose to cut their hair and refused to wear a wig this year."
"Ah yes," said Sheldon. "Heghlu'DI' mobbe'lu'chugh QaQpu' Hegh wanI "
"You speak Klingon!" roared Ron, delighted.
"Fluent, actually," sniffed Sheldon.
"Excellent," said Dragan. "You can join our merry band. Only, I'm not sure what to offer you since you don't drink."
"That's okay, Sheldon's on his own quest here," said Tracy with a sly smile. "Until he met me he never kissed a Borg before and now he wonders what other beings kiss like."
"A kissing Vulcan?" Ron raised an eyebrow. "Sounds illogical."
"I disagree," said Sheldon. "Vulcans are a logical and methodical race but they also appreciate the arts. Oral stimulation, I've learned, is as much an art as it is a physical act. There's technique and if one is lucky a connection akin to a mind meld. If anything I would be unVulcan if I were not curious about such a form of communication."
"Well, then, I better add to the data," Kim said as she sashayed over and kissed Sheldon. "Welcome to Bajor," she smiled.
"I've so got to be Vulcan one year," chuckled Ron before taking a swig of beer, spilling a bit on his chest plate. "Of course I don't know if I could be stoic all night," he said as he wiped off the beer with his hand.
"Don't forget that Vulcans can enter the Pon Farr," said Sheldon. "Every seven years they undergo a blood fever, become violent and finally die unless they mate with someone with whom they are empathetically bonded."
"Sounds terrific," purred Kim. Sheldon looked to her.
"Currently I'm not in the Pon Farr," he said.
"Ouch," she smiled as everyone else laughed.
"I'm not looking for coitus tonight."
"Coitus?" teased Ron.
"No sex it is," Tracy cut in quickly.
"All of my friends are in relationships and mine has ended," Sheldon continued, oblivious to Tracy's scowl at Ron which shut the Klingon up. "I've come to realize that what had earlier passed for solitude has become loneliness and isolation and I wish to remedy that."
"You want to meet people," Kim said. Sheldon nodded.
"Well, then, Mr. Spock," Tracy said as she linked arms with him. "You are so going to meet people tonight."
XXX
"Here we are," said a woman's voice outside Leonard's hotel room door. "Thanks for helping us get the guys to bed."
"You're welcome." Sheldon's voice.
Leonard reached over and turned on the table lamp before grabbing his glasses and noting the time on the clock—four seventeen am.
"If we don't hook up tonight I'll Facebook you and we'll meet up for comic book night and a tea," she continued.
"That would be acceptable. Goodnight Tracy."
A moment and then Sheldon entered the room.
"So how was tonight?" asked Leonard as Sheldon took off his tricorder and set it on a chair.
"Fruitful. Thanks to my new friends I met a wide assortment of people."
"That's good," Leonard said in an odd voice which Sheldon didn't catch. "Well you better get to bed since the panels start again in a few hours."
"Let me get my makeup off and shower first," said Sheldon as he took up his pajamas, slippers and housecoat and went into the washroom.
"Huh," Leonard said thoughtfully as he heard the shower turn on. He couldn't get over how successful Sheldon's been at making friends much less meeting women. And the women he's met! Seven of Nine! Those women at the bar! They were as far away from Amy as any girl on the planet. Like Penny for instance. It was a good thing that Sheldon wasn't interested in Penny when they all first met. The sudden memory of Penny and Sheldon staring at each other in front of his whiteboard twisted Leonard's gut.
"I can't wait until Sheldon gets a girlfriend," he muttered.
xTBBTx
"Thanks Penny, that was a great dinner," said Bernadette as she relaxed on Penny's couch with a glass of wine.
"Yes, well, it was my finger that did the dialing to the restaurant," Penny grinned as she said beside Bernadette.
"Nice to have a break from the men-folk," agreed Amy from the laptop. "I take it they're at Comic Con this weekend?"
"Where else?" said Penny as she poured herself some wine. "Probably spending their time talking with a Klingon or something."
"Let's find out what they're doing," said Bernadette and leaned over to log into her Facebook account. "Ah! Some pictures are up." She began to frown. "Boy, some of those women sure don't wear a lot of clothes."
"And yet ironically their scantily constructed costumes manage to survive hurricanes and the rigours of outer space," snorted Amy.
"Oh look, there's Raj and Leonard!" laughed Penny. "I think they're drunk." She leaned in closer to read the caption. "Filking with Sheldon and Tracy." Immediately she blanched as she looked at Amy's suddenly sober face.
"Well, they're having a good time," Bernadette said quickly. "So, what do you ladies want to do now?"
"Who's Tracy?" asked Amy.
"I dunno," replied Penny. "Someone he met at Comic Con I guess."
"I unfriended Sheldon," Amy continued. "Perhaps one of you could check his page for more information."
"It's probably some guy," Bernadette said uneasily. "We should just leave them be."
"No," said Amy. "If Sheldon is using his time away from me to consort with harlots dressed as scantily clad superheroes then I want to know."
"It's probably not like that," said Penny as she clicked onto her Facebook page.
Bernadette and Penny hunched together to look over Sheldon's page. There were a lot of photos of various costumed characters and some people they took to be actors. But it was the ones that other people were posting on Sheldon's page that were far more interesting. As one Penny and Bernadette's mouths dropped as they saw Sheldon kissing a woman wearing a black PVC cat-suit complete with ears. But there was more. Sheldon arm in arm with a woman in a silver body suit. Sheldon wiping lipstick off his mouth as a Harley Quinn grinned at the camera. Sheldon with various Klingons and other Star Trek characters, including Howard, Raj and Leonard, in the throes of revelry. Sheldon was still awkwardly Sheldon in demeanor compared to the others but for Penny in particular she could see that he was actually having a good time and that pleased her.
There was a video from Tracy entitled, 'Blood Wine Blues'. Penny clicked on it and then a bunch of Klingons plus Sheldon and a red body suit clad girl were singing a song in some kind of language she didn't understand but sounded a lot like throat gargling.
"Well?" asked Amy.
"Uh, you know, just some geeky stuff," Penny said in an uneven tone.
"You do realize I can see both of your faces, right?" Amy said, clearly unimpressed. "And I take it from your slack-jawed looks that Tracy is, indeed, a woman?"
"I'm sure she doesn't mean anything," Bernadette said hurriedly. "I mean, there's a long way between making out with someone and dating, right Penny?"
"Right," Penny agreed as she took in Amy's very unimpressed look. "It's Comic Con. People kiss people all the time."
"Kissing," Amy said icily. "Do you know how long I waited for a single kiss from that praying mantis? How patient I was waiting for him to get over his stupid germ phobia?"
"Amy," Penny began. "I'm sure that—"
"And now someone else is reaping rewards for all my work." Amy cocked her head in thought. "Well, then, I suppose fair is fair."
"You're going to find some guy and make out with him?" asked Bernadette.
"Nope. I'm going to show Sheldon what it's like when someone else steals his rewards," said Amy. "I won't be made a fool of by my boyfriend."
"Actually, he's your ex-boyfriend," Penny amended.
"Never mess with a woman's five year plan, bestie. Now if you'll excuse me, I've a plan to enact."
The Skype screen went black as the call disconnected.
"Holy crap on a cracker," Penny gasped as she looked to Bernadette.
"She's never going to know we set Sheldon up on dates," the little woman squeaked. "I don't need monkeys sneaking into my room to scratch my eyes out."
xTBBTx
Howard set down a bag full of collectibles beside his apartment door and fished out his keys. After unlocking he took up his valuables and a deep breath for good measure before entering.
"Hi," he said overenthusiastically as he scurried quickly behind Bernadette who was sitting on the couch reading a magazine.
"So how was the convention?" she asked absently as he entered the bedroom.
"Great."
"You see who you wanted to?"
"Uh-huh."
"Find anything interesting to buy?"
At once Howard's back felt the tingly icicles hanging off Bernadette's saccharine words.
"A couple of things," he said as he slid a bag of collectibles under the bed.
"You know I can see the transactions you made with your credit card online, right?" she said evenly as she turned a page.
"You checked my account?!" Howard roared as he marched from the bedroom to stand before her.
"Our account," Bernadette amended.
"It's in my name!"
"On our account."
"So what you're saying is that you don't trust me to pay off my own things," Howard growled with his hands forming fists.
Bernadette set the open magazine on her lap.
"After the fifteen hundred bucks on the 3D printer you better believe I don't," she growled back.
"I got rid of it, didn't I?"
"Howie, it's not that I don't want you to have things," Bernadette sighed. "It's just that I want you to have things that other people won't think belong to a teenage boy. Well, apart from your pants," she said with a little smile. She took in his sad face. "Come on, you might as well show me what you got."
"Promise me you won't take the joy out of it," Howard pouted.
"Of course not, honey."
"Great! Wait until you see the light saber." Howard rushed into the bedroom.
"Wait until you see how many months before you get your allowance back," Bernadette said quietly to herself with a smug smile.
xTBBTx
Heghlu'DI' mobbe'lu'chugh QaQpu' Hegh wanI: - Death is an experience best shared (lit. "If one is not alone when one dies, the event of death was good")