Reference to: 'The Colonization Application'; 'The Expedition Approximation'
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"You want a what?!" Leonard gasped as Penny sat across from him at the dinner table.
"A prenup," Penny said again, albeit with a hesitant tone. "I've been thinking that maybe—"
"Maybe what, you'll break up with me at some point?" Leonard said excitedly. "Penny, from the moment I first saw you I knew that I wanted to be with you. That hasn't changed. It won't change."
"So then it won't matter if we have the prenup," Penny replied before taking a sip of wine.
Leonard frowned. "It matters because you're saying you're not completely sure about our marriage."
"Leonard, I'm not sure about a lot of things," sighed Penny. "I mean I love you but we're so different. Suppose you get bored of me or—"
"You find a hunky rich doctor who'll take you around the world on his yacht?"
"That won't happen," Penny growled.
"You know, Howard warned me not to marry someone who wanted a prenup," said Leonard as his finger ran along the rim of his wine glass.
"So you think his marrying Bernadette was a mistake?"
"Of course not. But we're not like them. We're different." Leonard widened his puppy dog eyes. "We're special."
"Besides, you'd never cheat on me, right?"
"Why would I cheat on you?" Leonard gasped. "Why would I cheat?"
"You cheated on Priya," Penny pointed out.
"I didn't sleep with Alice," Leonard explained. "Sure we kissed and made out a bit but I left it before things got heavy. I mean I'm a nice guy so even though I really wanted to have sex with Alice I didn't because that's not what nice guys do," he said with a smile.
"Yeah, they just make out with strange women while their girlfriend's in another country. Gotcha."
"While she slept with her ex-boyfriend. See? I was the adult here. No big deal," Leonard said before taking up his utensils and cutting into his chicken.
"NoPe," Penny said, popping the P.
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"So we're getting a prenup," growled Leonard as he glared into his bowl of soup.
"That kind of takes the romance out of it," replied Raj as he rearranged his food on his lunch tray.
"Tell me about it. I mean it took me eight years to land her."
"That doesn't sound too romantic, either," snorted Raj. Leonard scowled at his friend before taking an aggressive slurp of soup. "Maybe you should relax and look at the marriage from a simpler perspective not an 'I want this' and 'I want that'. Enjoy what you do have and the rest will take care of itself."
"I wish I could," Leonard grumped as he set down his spoon and took up a small packet of crackers. "Penny practically drove me nuts this morning with how long she took in the washroom. She spends an hour in there only to come out looking basically the same. Okay, maybe her complexion is a little smoother but that's it."
"That's what happens when you live without a Roommate Agreement, right Sheldon?" Raj grinned. Silence. "Sheldon?"
"Hmm?" said Sheldon.
"You're off in la-la land. What's with you?" asked Raj before taking a bite of his beefaroni.
"Just thinking about rent," Sheldon said before taking a bite of his own lunch.
"Why?" asked Leonard. "It's mid-month."
"Dude, you better get things sorted out with Penny soon," said Raj. "I mean you're going to be living with her full time at some point."
"Yeah I know," Leonard muttered. "Maybe things would be better if we took the bigger apartment."
"No," Sheldon said quickly and firmly.
"Sheldon, it's not like you can afford it by yourself."
"I'm a junior professor, now, and as such only spend forty four percent of my income after taxes," said Sheldon. "It will mean rearranging my finances but I can manage." He shrugged. "And if not I can always get a roommate."
"That should be easy," Leonard said sarcastically.
"Well I got you."
"Yes, but masochists are rather hard to find," chuckled Raj.
Leonard wrinkled his nose in a sneer before taking another slurp of soup.
XXX
"So do you think I can come over in the morning and shower during my allotted time?" whined Leonard as he and Sheldon came up the stairs to their floor.
"No," Sheldon said firmly.
"But—"
"Leonard, this is a test to see how we do without each other." Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Suck it up, man." He turned the handle and, finding it unlocked, opened the door.
Leonard's jaw dropped as before the two of them stood Elizabeth wearing nothing but a smile.
"Hello Leonard," she said with a friendly wave.
"Hi," he squeaked back.
"I'm a Gorean slave girl waiting for her Master to come home," she explained.
Sheldon stepped inside and closed the door and almost immediately Leonard heard the door as if two bodies had slammed against it.
In a daze, Leonard crossed over to 4B and entered.
Penny looked up from the couch, dreading another round of prenup talk but stopped short as she took in his shocked expression.
"What's up?" she asked, concerned.
"Sheldon and Elizabeth are having sex," Leonard stammered.
"Wait, what?"
"I just saw her naked."
"Naked?" Penny said, eyes narrowing.
"She was standing in the apartment like a slave girl and then Sheldon went in and—what the frak planet am I on?!"
"You made out with her," Penny pointed out.
"Yeah, but this is Sheldon!" Leonard snapped as he threw his hands into the air.
"Well, good for him," Penny said with a smirk. "God knows that sometimes thirty six hours of mind-blowing sex can get someone over a breakup."
Leonard snorted. "So you mean we'll have to break up and get back together in order to get thirty six hours of mind-blowing sex?"
"Let's just start with getting the mind-blowing sex part first," Penny replied.
"Very funny," Leonard said as he went into the bedroom.
"No, not really," Penny sighed.
XXX
Sheldon and Elizabeth were nearly breathless as they continued to kiss leaning against the apartment door. At last they parted and she took in his open, panting mouth and intense stare before doing what came natural and went to her knees. Her hands felt the bulge in his pants, causing Sheldon to grunt.
"Shall I please you?" she asked as she looked skyward at his face.
"I've—always maintained a—cool, passionless disinterest in my body," Sheldon said haltingly as his brain was being assaulted by a flurry of sexualized sensations and impulses.
"Passionless?" Elizabeth said with a smirk. Again she massaged his bulge.
"Well, aside from occasionally serving my needs."
"I'd like to serve your needs."
Sheldon closed his eyes to gather himself.
"Elizabeth, all Amy wanted from me was physical affection. I loved her and yet I couldn't do it." He covered his groin with his hand.
"Things seem to be working right from this end, Sheldon," Elizabeth said. "I think it isn't that you couldn't but that you wouldn't."
"So what makes you think I'd be interested in coital interactions with you?"
Elizabeth got to her feet and put her arms around Sheldon's neck.
"We don't have to be coital," she said with a smile before their lips met and sucked and pulled until she leaned her head back. "But that doesn't mean we can't have fun—while being practical of course."
"Practical?" Sheldon said, his eyes narrowing.
"Let's get Master all cleaned up before dinner," Elizabeth said cheerily as she took his hands and dragged him forward.
"But my shower time isn't—"
"Role playing, Sheldon."
"I assume this doesn't involve a rubber ducky or playing submarine with the soap?" Sheldon murmured as the pair went into the washroom.
"Whatever Master wants"—Sheldon opened his mouth—"so long as he continues the game."
"I have to say, this isn't so much role playing as it is LARPing," said Sheldon as she unlaced his shoes.
"Would you prefer a medieval re-enactment?"
"What I'd prefer is to order from Siam Palace."
"We can eat wherever you want. After your bath." Elizabeth went to unbuckle his pants but he stopped her.
"I don't know if I'm comfortable with this game."
"Then we'll stop," she said instantly.
"Thank you." Sheldon turned and exited the washroom. He felt flushed and anxious and something else as he reached his bedroom door—anger. His hand was on the knob, his grip tight but the door unmoving as he heard the shower start. He imagined Elizabeth entering the tub. Taking his shower gel and coating herself in his scent. Brilliant Elizabeth who kissed in a way that made him feel—
Sheldon returned to the washroom door. He admonished himself for wanting something so baseline. He was Homo Novus. He should wait until Elizabeth finished and then discuss her day while they ate dinner.
Knock Knock Knock "Elizabeth."
Knock Knock Knock "Elizabeth."
Knock Knock Knock "Elizabeth."
"Come in," she said loudly.
He entered and closed the door behind him.
"What's up?" Elizabeth said as she popped her head out from behind the shower curtain.
"That's how you greet your Master?" he tsked. "Leonard role plays Dungeons and Dragons better than that."
"Forgive me," she replied with a big grin. "Shall I come out to undress you?"
"You'll get everything wet," Sheldon said as he took off his shirts. "I don't feel like spending the rest of the evening sanitizing the bathroom."
As he folded his t-shirts he caught the whiff of his talc. Baby powder as Amy called it.
Suddenly he wanted very much to be cleansed.
"I should inform you that we're about to violate the shower occupancy rule in the Roommate Agreement," he tsked as he stepped out of his pants and underwear.
"Mmm violate. I like it," Elizabeth purred.
"And to think in your real life you're an accomplished astrophysicist," Sheldon snorted as he got into the tub. He stood close to the showerhead and let the water run down his back. His eyes took in Elizabeth's naked body, her pale skin reddened by the warm water that had covered her. Her long strawberry blonde hair fringed her breasts.
"This is real life, too," she said with a little smirk. "Turn around so I can have the pleasure of cleaning you."
Sheldon obliged and waited. He heard the sounds of his shower gel opening and being squeezed but even though he knew what was going to happen next he stiffened as her hands began to lather his back.
"You've got freckles," Elizabeth cooed.
"My father was fair-skinned," Sheldon replied. "You have them as well."
"Maybe we can connect the dots after."
More soap was applied to her hands and she did his shoulders and arms. At first Sheldon felt like a house pet being bathed for an alien overlord but as Elizabeth's massaging came down to his buttocks other thoughts came to mind. Thoughts he'd only had when he was engaged in relieving his sexual tension alone in his room.
"You're quite sturdy," Elizabeth said, her finger sliding between his cheeks as she continued to massage.
"I've been doing my best to exercise," Sheldon gasped. He wasn't sure what to do with his arms so he lay his palms against the shower wall.
"Mmm, muscles pumping, the sweat, gasps of air," purred Elizabeth. "Strain and release."
Her fingers nuzzled his perineum before her hands moved first down one leg and then the other.
"If Master wishes I can clean his front now," she said.
Sheldon turned around and his eyes traced the strands of hair that plastered her cheeks. He moved them behind her ears.
"He would," he said.
Elizabeth took more soap and washed his chest and stomach before her right hand went down to his straining penis.
"Let me release you," she said.
"I don't want your mouth on me," he replied, his eyes taking in every facet of her face.
"I've got other holes to please you," she said. "I'm on birth control, Sheldon, and I'm regularly test—"
Before she knew what was what Sheldon had slammed their bodies against the wall. The kissing was fast and ferocious and Elizabeth felt him enter her. Quickly she hooked her left leg behind his hip to give him better access. Instinctively Sheldon's hand came to support her leg as he thrust. His intensity was fierce and Elizabeth reveled in the feeling of being consumed.
For Sheldon, it was as if two different things were happening at once. His body worked of its own accord kissing and thrusting, grunting and touching. Then there was his eidetic brain that took in every sensation, made note of the angle of thrust that Elizabeth seemed to like. He realized that this wasn't a case of losing control. He was letting loose.
The end came quick and dirty and the pair were exhausted and wet. Once she recovered, Elizabeth took more shower gel and washed Sheldon's privates and legs.
After she was done, Sheldon stepped out of the tub, closing the curtain behind him. He dried himself off with a towel and walked naked to his bedroom. Without saying a word he put on his Tuesday pajamas and housecoat before sitting on his bed.
A few minutes later Elizabeth entered wearing her short housecoat. She took in her friend's contemplative expression.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
"I'm confused," Sheldon replied. "This is what Amy wanted and I couldn't do it for her."
"Maybe you weren't attracted to her?"
"She has a scintillating mind," Sheldon said adamantly.
"So do I."
"You do. And yet you make me —"
"Make you?"
"It's irrelevant," he said with a shake of the head.
"Sheldon, it isn't." Elizabeth came in and sat next to him. "Make you what?"
"You're intelligent and a nymphomaniac like she was and yet with you I feel virile. Powerful. Masculine."
"Because you are," she said simply.
"I chase balloons and get stuck in revolving doors. I'm Amy's sexy toddler."
Elizabeth made a face. "She seriously called you that?"
"Well, she was drinking," Sheldon explained.
"That is so totally messed up."
"Says the Gorean slave girl."
"A consenting adult playing with another consenting adult," Elizabeth countered. She took his hand. "You're the man I call a colleague. Who resolved the black hole information paradox. And your loop quantum equations are beautiful."
"Elizabeth, I'm a junior professor starting out as if I'd just finished grad school. I'm thirty four years old and I'm afraid I won't have anything significant to contribute to science."
"Sheldon, only toddlers are afraid. You chose to switch fields because you weren't satisfied with your trajectory for string theory. That takes guts. Confidence." She squeezed his hand and he looked at her. "You've come this far. Don't doubt yourself now."
"That's all I seem to be full of nowadays."
"You are the master of your own destiny, Sheldon Cooper. You've always marched to your own drummer. That's why we get along so well. We're dreamers." They kissed lightly. "Come on, let's get some food into us."
"Normally it's Big Boy night."
"I can whip up a mean omelette."
"That would be satisfactory. Only one thing, who said you could get back into your housecoat?" Sheldon said.
Elizabeth grinned even as she untied her robe.
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Bernadette gave an exasperated sigh as she tidied the couch cushions.
"What?" asked Howard as he did the dishes.
"I found another granola bar wrapper in the couch."
"Sorry."
"Howie, I just wish you'd grow up a little," said Bernadette as she put a couple of Oprah Winfrey Magazines on top of his Superman comic book to hide it on the coffee table. "I'm tired of having to do everything around here."
"Hel-lo. Who's doing the dishes here?" tsked Howard. "Besides, just look at the number of stars on my chore chart. They aren't for nothing, y'know." He glanced at the chart and then did a double take as he realized something was amiss. "Wait, two of my stars are gone!"
"Don't be silly," Bernadette said dismissively.
"No," he said as he dried his hands with the dish towel. "I can see the glue where they were." He rubbed his finger over the spots. "I can feel the glue!" He turned to her. "Why did you take my stars?"
"Because you didn't deserve them," she said simply.
"Why? I did the chore."
"Vacuuming a carpet includes doing the corners. I hadn't checked before giving out the star."
"So whose fault is that?" Howard snapped. "And what about the other one?"
"I found some food stuff left behind in the fry pan," said Bernadette as she cut by Howard to throw out the granola wrapper. "You didn't let it soak long enough."
"That's because you said I left things soaking too long!" Howard said excitedly. "I want my stars back!"
"WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM BACK!" Bernadette roared. "AND DON'T MAKE THIS AN EXCUSE NOT TO FINISH THE DISHES, MISTER!" she barked, halting Howard in his tracks as he was making his way to the bedroom.
Bernadette stood with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face as Howard went back to his dishes.
"I better get a star for this," he grumbled.
"Zip it and work," Bernadette snarled as she went back to cleaning the living room.
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Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"Hey you," Penny said with a smile as she opened her door to find Sheldon before her with a pizza box in hand.
"Penny, since you're more than familiar with coitus I was wondering if you had any advice as to how you like to be pleasured."
Immediately Penny grabbed him by the shirts and yanked him into the apartment. She then looked up the hallway before closing her door.
"Geez, Sheldon, you gotta come up with some kind of chit-chat before you drop something like that in the hall!" she gasped.
"My apologies," said Sheldon. "So how do you think your Cornhuskers are going to do this season?"
"Not, now, Sheldon," Penny snorted as she sat on the couch. She cocked her head with an amused expression on her face. "So what brought this on? Is it Elizabeth?" She caught his look of unease. "Are you actually having sex?"
"I won't say that we are not having intercourse," Sheldon said precisely.
"Good for you!" Penny cheered. She patted the cushion next to her and he sat. "So? What do you think? Isn't it terrific?"
"It's disorienting and euphoric and tiring. But good," he said as he read Penny's knowing look. "Although, as Elizabeth's my first partner I don't see how I can judge the quality of our actions."
Penny turned her body to him, tucking her left foot under her right thigh.
"Let's put it this way, what were you thinking of when you were having sex?" she asked.
"It was a tie between quantum gravity equations and"—here he flushed.
"And?"
"My toes curled," he murmured.
"Awesome!" Penny squealed. Sheldon pursed his lips.
"Back to my initial question, have you any advice for me as to how to pleasure a female?" he said crisply.
"Well, everyone's different," said Penny as she thought. "You're better off asking Elizabeth what she likes and go from there. Keep the communication going."
"I see," said Sheldon as he adjusted the pizza box on his lap. "It's been nearly seven years. Do you and Leonard still communicate or do you know each other's preferences by now?"
"Oh, we know a lot about each other"—inwardly she cringed at the thought of his Star Trek uniform sex—"but couples do fall into a rhythm."
"I see," Sheldon said.
"Not that I'm saying that it's boring. Because believe me it's not." Penny gave a slight shrug. "He tries."
"And that's what counts?"
"Yes?"
"Alright. Thank you," Sheldon said as the pair got up and went to the door.
He crossed the hall and knocked at 4A. The door opened and Elizabeth was before him in a slinky teddy.
"Pizza's here!" she grinned. "Come in. I'll get my wallet."
Sheldon stepped in and kicked the door closed with his foot.
W-o-w, Penny silently mouthed before closing her door. She went back to her couch and flopped onto it.
"Good for Sheldon," she murmured. "Pizza boy sex. How absolutely porno."
And absolutely fun.
Penny suddenly recalled a little something one of her boyfriends had bought for her. She darted off the couch to her closet to find it. After a few minutes she dug out the canvas cloth and body paint kit. She read the back of the package before spreading the cloth over the bed and added gobs of paint to it.
The apartment door opened and Leonard entered.
"In here, Leonard," Penny called and he went to the bedroom.
"What's this?" he asked.
"We're adding a little colour to our sex life," Penny said adamantly.
"Gee, now? I'd really like to eat first and"— Penny began to strip—"now it is!"
XXX
Sheldon and Elizabeth sat on the couch in their pajamas and bathrobes, their hair still damp from their post-coital shower, eating pizza he had reheated with a pizza stone.
XXX
Penny and Leonard stared grimly at their missionary position 'sex art' on the canvas.
It had to be the dullest thing Penny had ever seen.
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"Query," said Sheldon after taking a sip of his bottled water at the lunch table. "How did you and Howard know that your women were 'the ones'?"
"Does this have to do with Elizabeth?" asked Leonard, surprised.
"No. She went home yesterday. Although I have been given a standing invitation to 'drop in' whenever I'm in town."
"I'm sure you have, you dog," giggled Raj, garnering a glare.
"Back to my question," Sheldon said crisply.
"You know she's the one from the moment your eyes meet," Leonard cooed. "She says hello and then you say hello and everything is as it should be."
"Like how you asserted that Penny was going to have your smart and beautiful children," mused Sheldon. "Do you feel your engagement came about as a result of true affection or relentless pursuit?"
"Affection, of course."
"Was this before you stole her mail or—"
"It's always been affection!" Leonard snapped.
"Or an episode of Criminal Minds," snorted Raj.
"What about you Howard?" asked Sheldon.
"I don't know," the engineer said slowly. "Bernie was nice enough when we first met, although we really didn't have a lot in common. Still we respected each other despite our differences and the sex was great. So then we got married and overnight she decides that my things aren't good enough and that my hobbies are silly and that she should run the finances because she makes more money than I do and rubs it in by giving me an allowance. So yeah, Sheldon, she might be the one because she's the only one that'll put up with you but that doesn't mean you'll always be happy about it."
Stunned silence.
"Excuse me," Howard said and took up his lunch tray and left.