Reference to: 'The Communication Deterioration'
xTBBTx
Sheldon came down the hall in his paintball gear. He noted Howard on the couch watching television in his housecoat.
"Where's your gear?" Sheldon chided.
"What gear?" Howard replied without looking away from the television.
"Your paintball attire."
"At Ma's house. Bernie didn't want it at the apartment."
"Very well." Sheldon checked his watch. "Tracy and Alice are going to be here soon. Put on your shoes and let's roll."
"Sheldon, I'm not going with you," Howard said as he turned off the television.
"Well you're most definitely not going to spend the day sulking in my apartment," Sheldon said crisply.
"I just need time to think," sighed Howard.
"No, what you need is some time to have fun. You can think later."
Howard pursed his lips in thought before nodding his head.
"You're right," he said.
He got off the couch and dashed to Leonard's room to put on some clothes. After the time he'd had with Bernie, Howard realized that a morning playing Rambo was just what the doctor ordered—even if the doctor was bat-crap crazy.
Sheldon put his phone in his pocket just as Howard came into the living room.
"I've texted Tracy that we're stopping at your house," Sheldon said as he took up his duffle bag.
"Let's rock," Howard said overenthusiastically.
The pair exited the apartment just as Leonard opened the door to 4B.
"Hey guys," he said as he stepped into the hall and closed the door. "Paintball?"
"Obviously," sniffed Sheldon. "You coming to the apartment?"
"Yes. Hey, can I—" Sheldon and Howard dashed down the stairs.
"Huh," Leonard said, more than a little hurt. He crossed over and entered his apartment. "Well, who plays paintball now anyways?" He went to the coffee maker and got it prepared. "I mean running around being splattered by high velocity paint. Ridiculous."
He turned on the machine and then turned to glare at Sheldon's spot on the couch. Leonard went over and sat in the spot. It didn't feel any different than any other cushion on the couch and yet somehow he knew that it was the best seat in the apartment. Because Sheldon said it was.
It seemed to Leonard that Sheldon had the power to make things so. When they first met Leonard was practically overwhelmed by Sheldon with his Roommate Agreement and overall stubbornness. As time went by, however, Sheldon mellowed. Not by choice. Amy had worn away at him until Sheldon was—what? Less sure of himself? Less capable?
"Sheldon isn't capable. Sheldon's Sheldon," Leonard scoffed.
And yet Sheldon's luck with women over this past year was nearly equal with Leonard's luck over his whole lifetime. Leonard thought about the bar and Sheldon talking with the hot woman in the green dress. There was no way Leonard would have ever approached her. She was out of his league. She was out of all of their leagues.
And yet Sheldon got her name. Made her laugh.
As hard as it was to swallow, Leonard came to the realization that Sheldon Cooper—not Amy's boyfriend or Leonard's best friend—was an alpha personality and could, with effort, get anyone he desired.
Good thing he wasn't interested in Penny.
Right?
With a growl Leonard got off the couch and went to his computer. He turned it on and sat facing a blank screen in the word processor.
All his life Leonard wanted a beautiful woman to love him, fuck him and hey, if the cards were right, marry him and have his babies. When he saw Penny he saw all of that and more. She was his strawberry pop tart. It took seven and a half long years to land her and there was no way this relationship was going to screw up.
Leonard typed, 'Beta Test' at the top of the page and hit return.
He had to make sure that everything was going as it should be. There had been problems since the initial relationship adjustment lists and perhaps this was a good time to issue another one just so Penny wouldn't have a reason to dump his sorry ass.
"Stop that," Leonard muttered. "Penny and I love each other and we're going to get married."
When? screamed a voice in his head.
Leonard typed, 'You haven't picked a wedding date or discussed any plans'.
He stared at what he'd written.
No, Leonard wasn't Sheldon. This was his one chance to get it all. He wouldn't let anyone screw this up. Not Sheldon, not Penny, not himself.
He continued to write.
XXX
"There they are," Tracy said as she, Sheldon, Howard and Alice made their way to the official meeting spot.
"Hey," said Dragan. "'Bout time you got here."
"Had to make a pit stop to suit up Howard. We've got another body."
"Ex-cellent," said a guy with a blonde brush cut standing next to Ron. He looked to Sheldon. "So is this Julian?"
"Khan," Sheldon said stiffly.
"'Julian'?" Howard said with a smirk.
"Don't listen to Dragan," Kim said to Jay. "His name's Sheldon."
"Anyways, let's get down to business," said Ron. "Since you're late we'll have less time to coordinate our attack."
"Normally we devise a defensive plan," said Sheldon. "We often rendezvous at the paint shack—"
"Defensive," snorted Dragan. He held up his paint ball rifle with one hand. "Predators never retreat."
"I'd like to mention that Predators were also killed in a horrendous fashion," Sheldon retorted.
"But what a glorious way to go!" Kim chuckled.
Sheldon looked incredulously at the people around him.
"You mean this is going to be one massive suicide mission?" he gasped. "No leadership? No battle plans?"
"Of course there is," said Alice as she put paint pellets into her pistol. "Kill them all."
"This'll be different," said Howard. "Normally we're out of here and at Dennys before ten thirty."
"We play until it gets late and then it's off to Dragan's for a barbecue," said Ron.
"Look sharp, people, we're up," said Alice as she saw the observer pointing at them.
"You take Julian. I have a feeling that at the heart of this tiny man is a warrior," said Dragan with a wink towards Howard.
"'lwllj jachjaj!" Howard shouted.
"You speak Klingon, too?" grinned Kim. "You guys are the coolest!"
"Recognize," the engineer smirked.
XXX
"This is nice," said Leonard as he swallowed a bite of his grilled cheese. "You and me. Having lunch. Just the two of us. Together."
"We've had Sunday lunch together for months," said Penny as she chewed her sandwich.
"And that kind of regularity is what couples have." His grin was rather overenthusiastic. "And we're a couple!"
"Yay us," Penny mumbled before taking a sip of water. "So what's with the pep talk, coach?"
"No reason," Leonard said quickly. "I guess with Sheldon out dating and whatnot it got me thinking about us." Penny rolled her eyes but Leonard didn't notice.
"This isn't going to be one of those moments where you ruin it by saying something stupid, is it?" she asked.
"Not at all," Leonard said indignantly. "In fact I don't have to say anything about our relationship."
"Good."
He reached into his sweatshirt pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Penny.
Penny took the paper, all the while looking at Leonard's smug expression. She opened it up and read 'Beta Test' at the top.
"What the hell is this?" she gasped.
"Now don't get upset," Leonard soothed. "Not that I'm saying you aren't perfect for me—because you are—only that there are some things we have to work out so we don't run into problems."
"You mean like handing each other lists?" Penny growled.
"Penny, I'm serious. Look, I don't want to screw this up. When we go down that aisle I want it to be a whole new start." He smiled nervously. "I'm sure there are things about me you'd like to have fixed before we get married and live together and have kids."
"I see," Penny said crisply. "Well then, I can see I need to work on my beta list for you."
"That's fair," Leonard said amiably.
"Alone."
"Also fair," he said as he took a bite of his sandwich. He looked up and saw the scowl on Penny's face. "You know, I think I'll finish this up at home," he said as he took his plate and stood.
"Good idea."
After Leonard left Penny's attention returned to the list.
"Sonofabitch," she snarled.
XXX
"Is it on medium-high heat?" Sheldon asked as Dragan worked the barbecue in his backyard.
"Yes," Dragan growled as he picked up the salt shaker.
"You should wait until just before cooking to season the steak as salt draws out the juices from the meat, making it tough."
"I know."
"So by your act I'm to take it that the barbecue's ready?"
"You should." Dragan salted and peppered the steaks before putting them on the grill. He then lowered the lid, took up his craft beer and took several large gulps.
"Remember to only turn the steak once so as to keep the juices in."
"Julian, do you want to do the cooking?"
"But I'm your guest. Surely the hosting protocol says that the part of cooking falls on you," said Sheldon. Dragan snorted.
"And let me guess, you're here to supervise."
"Of course not. It's your show." Sheldon looked at the barbecue. "You are noting the grill time, right?"
"Beer!" Dragan shouted out as he held up his bottle.
Tracy went to the cooler and dug out a bottle of beer and a lime pop.
From over at the bamboo that grew at the back of the garage Howard watched the scene unfold. Sheldon driving people crazy. It was like the good old times when it was just the guys. Only there were girls here. And children. Ron's three boys and Jay's daughter were further down in the yard playing with Nerf swords and guns.
"Antisocial or are you Bat-Man?" said a woman in a red sundress and brunette ponytail as she came to Howard with a wine cooler in hand. He smiled. "Sorry I didn't get to see you earlier but I was slaving away in the kitchen. I'm Yoshi, Ron's wife."
"I'm Howard," he said in a growly Bat-Man voice.
"You know they're all crazy but they don't bite," she said amiably as she indicated the gang sitting on the patio. "Well, I'm not sure about Dragan but he's got beer and steak so he should be okay."
"Unless Sheldon sends him over the edge," snorted Howard.
"Sheldon's okay once you get used to him." Yoshi chuckled. "Actually I find him no different than the rest of you guys—yadda yadda yadda Star Trek yadda yadda yadda paint ball."
"Not a fan?"
"Give me Castle and a night out dancing anytime."
Howard took a sip of his beer.
"So how did you end up marrying Ron aka Klingon Captain Krang?" he asked.
"We met through my brother as they were both taking accountancy at college. Ron was super friendly and funny." Yoshi smirked. "He wore too many t-shirts with space ships on them but after a while I couldn't see him without them." She looked at Ron, who was sitting in a lawn chair talking with Jay. "He's my dork but he's also the father of my children and a wonderful husband."
"My wife thinks that paintball and role playing games are stupid," said Howard.
"I worry that Ron's going to have a heart attack or lose an eye playing paintball," said Yoshi. "As for the role playing, when Dragan and his wife were having problems the gang came to our place to play in the dining room. Two minutes of hearing them talk about gold pieces and half dragon pixies or whatever and I was out of there."
"I didn't know Dragan was married."
"He was. Darlene left him a year and a half ago," said Yoshi. She shrugged. "I guess they loved each other but they never really saw eye to eye on things. Like, they both want a cake—a house, kids, marriage—but they couldn't agree on the ingredients, you know?"
"Bernadette and I are having problems," Howard said quietly. "We've taken some space because we're driving each other crazy. Bernadette doesn't like my hobbies and I can't seem to do anything right."
"Didn't she know she was marrying a nerd?"
"I hope so. Our marriage was rushed up so I could make the rocket to the International Space Station."
"You went to space?" Yoshi gasped.
"Payload Specialist Howard J. Wolowitz at your service," he said with a smile and a salute.
"Wow. It's amazing Ron didn't talk my ear off about you."
"No one here knows but Sheldon. I talked too much about being an astronaut and it turned people off."
"That doesn't mean you don't say anything at all. I mean, holy crap, you got to do what everyone here would give their eye teeth to do."
"It was the most incredible thing I'd ever done in my life," Howard agreed.
They stood together in silence.
"You know what Ron said to me when he asked me out?" Yoshi said. Howard turned to her. "'I'm employed. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. But I role play and dress like a Klingon. And if you have a problem with that, there's the door'."
"Seriously?" Howard chuckled. "Gaming before women?"
"Dead serious," said Yoshi.
"He's either the bravest or stupidest man I've ever met."
"No. He's the most honest."
Dragan banged the side of the barbecue with his tongs.
"Julian said to come get your steaks now or in eighteen seconds they'll be inedible," he said in mock seriousness.
"I did not say they'd be inedible," sniffed Sheldon. "I said they'd hardly be worth eating. And it was two minutes not eighteen seconds."
"Okay troops, time to wash hands," Yoshi called out to the kids as Howard and she made their way over to the patio.
"Hey, did you guys know Howard's an astronaut?" Yoshi said aloud.
"Really?" gasped Kim.
"Howard was a payload specialist on the International Space Station," Sheldon confirmed.
"Space—the final frontier," Jay said in a gappy William Shatner voice. "These are the voyages of payload specialist Howard. His mission, to seek out new worlds and—" He looked to Howard.
"-install a telescope," Howard grinned.
"-install a telescope. To boldly go where no man has gone before."
Ron stood and raised his root beer bottle.
"Epetai-zana, Howard," he growled. "Kai Kassai!"
"Kai Kassai!" everyone cheered.
"ReH tlhlnganpu' taHjaj!" Howard toasted back.
XXX
Sheldon and Howard came up the stairs, tired but happy.
Penny popped her head out of her apartment to see who it was.
"Just a sec," she said to the pair and disappeared for but a moment. "Could you give this to Leonard?" She held out a piece of paper.
"Sure," said Howard as he took it. His eyes glossed over the contents before looking to Penny who closed her door. Howard let out a low whistle as he went over to Sheldon as the latter unlocked the door.
"No whistling!" Sheldon growled.
They entered the apartment to find Leonard sulking in his chair listlessly watching television.
"This is for you," said Howard and put the paper on the coffee table even as Sheldon went to the front closet to deposit his paintball gear.
Leonard took up the paper and began to read. His eyebrows shot up in surprise a couple of times and after a bit fell into a frown and then scowl.
"I have a special laundry bag for the paintball clothes," said Sheldon to Howard. "I'll strip and then hand it to you."
"This is ridiculous!" Leonard spat, cutting off Howard's reply. "How are Penny and I supposed to take our relationship seriously when she can't even take this seriously?!" He sat at the edge of his seat. "'You need to lose some weight. I can't carry you to the water anymore at the beach.'"
"Well, you have put on a few pounds," said Howard.
"Not that much," Leonard said defensively.
"When's the last time you wore your corduroy suit?" asked Sheldon as he unlaced his boots.
"Penny said not to wear it."
"Did she also say not to wear your enviro-tree shirt or your—"
"Maybe I don't like them anymore."
"So why do you still have them in your closet?"
"Because I'm sentimental," Leonard said dismissively. He continued to read. "'Get over the fact that I make more money than you.' When did I make a big deal about this?"
"All the time," said Sheldon and Howard at once.
"October twenty first two thousand and fourteen while watching the Flash," said Sheldon. "October twenty third at breakfast. October—"
"Okay, maybe it bothers me a little bit," huffed Leonard. "But she shouldn't have kept it a secret from me."
"Leonard, there's a difference between not talking about something deemed irrelevant and keeping a secret," said Sheldon. "For instance, I can't keep a secret and as we know I don't discuss your work."
"You're not helping," snapped Leonard. "'You need to quit whining about me being successful and just be happy that I'm happy'," he read aloud. "When am I—"
"All the time," Howard and Sheldon said.
"Some friends you are," growled Leonard. "You're supposed to back me up."
"But Penny's also my friend so shouldn't she get the same consideration?" asked Sheldon as he took his boots and headed for the hall.
"I knew you longer. Besides, the bro's code, remember?"
Sheldon stopped and turned to Leonard, a frown on his face.
"Penny is not a prostitute," Sheldon said icily. "She's my friend and your fiancée. Remember that."
Leonard leapt out of his chair and stormed down the hall.
"I'm taking my room back," he growled and slammed his door shut behind him.
"Your belongings are in there," said Sheldon to Howard.
"Give him a bit and I'll go get them," Howard replied. He hesitated a moment. "If it's okay with you I'd like to stay on the couch tonight. I'll go home tomorrow."
"Take as much time as you need," said Sheldon. He ventured further down the hall before turning back. "Oh, you and Raj are invited over next Saturday for Rock Band. You can meet my friend, Martha."
"Sounds good," said Howard. "Hey Sheldon? Thanks for today. It was fun."
"Howard, I realize that I'm not the best at empathy."
"But?"
"But what?" asked Sheldon. "First dibs on the shower," he said as he went into the washroom.
Howard shook his head even as he smirked.
xTBBTx
wwwomniglotcom/language/phrases/klingonphp: 'IwlIj jachjaj ("May your blood scream!")
epetai-zana—honored and exalted one
kai kassai—'long live'
reH tlhlnganpu' taHjaj!—Klingons forever!