"So anyways, the doctor said she didn't get to use the axiogermasporin because when she went to administer it to her patient he was already dead," said Penny with her mouth full of Chinese food. "Boy was she upset."

"Probably not as upset as the patient's next of kin," said Howard.

"Sheldon, can you pass me the light soy sauce?" asked Leonard. Sheldon slid it across the coffee table. Leonard took it up and applied it to his noodles. "Because I use light soy, y'know, because I'm 'putting on weight'."

"Smart cookie," said Penny.

"Smart fortune cookie," snorted Howard.

"You know, because you're a professional now," Leonard continued. "I can't afford to be a fat husband."

Penny set her food container on her lap.

"I meant I don't want you pudgy for your health, Leonard. It's not like you do any physical exercise." She picked up her container and continued to eat. "Although it's nice to hear you call me a professional since my work outfits 'are too sexy to be taken seriously'."

"Your blouses don't have to be so low-cut," scowled Leonard. "I bet it makes it hard for doctors to concentrate. And no, I'm not saying that because I have 'trust issues'."

"Of course not," Penny growled back as she leaned towards Leonard. "I mean it's not your fault that I'm 'too friendly with guys'. Hell, I might as well steer clear of you," she said as she indicated Howard and Sheldon with her chop sticks. "After all, I'm 'a little too close to Sheldon' so who knows what could happen besides, oh, I don't know, nothing?!"

"He kissed you!" Leonard snapped.

"He kissed you, too, dumbass!" Penny shouted back.

"That's different!"

"How's that different? Because I'm a girl?"

"Because if you hadn't wanted it you wouldn't have done it."

Silence.

"Let's get two things clear," Penny said coldly as she got out of her seat. "One, I am not interested in Sheldon. And two"—she pointed her chop sticks directly at Leonard's face—"I am not a cheater so quit trying to guilt me into feeling bad." She marched to the door before turning around. "Here's another one for your list. You're an insecure douchebag."

Howard set his Chinese food on the table and went to the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Sheldon.

"If I want hostility I might as well go home," Howard shrugged. "Thanks again, Sheldon. I'll pick up my stuff here tomorrow."

After Penny and Howard exited Sheldon resumed eating, oblivious to Leonard's glare.

"This is all your fault," Leonard hissed.

"Mine?" Sheldon replied, surprised.

"If you'd just traded apartments with us that would smooth out so many things," Leonard said as he put his food packet on the coffee table. "Penny and I are too crowded and we're driving each other crazy."

"Huh," mused Sheldon. "So you're saying that the status of your relationship is dependent on where you live as opposed to how you conduct yourselves?"

"Of course not. But it would ease some tensions."

"What about my tensions? I've lived here for twelve years. You can't just expect me to move willy-nilly."

"Well this is my apartment too," Leonard sniffed.

"I'm the primary on the lease," Sheldon said matter-of-factly.

"Sheldon, be reasonable."

"I'm not giving up my apartment, Leonard."

"Fine," Leonard said slowly. "Then I guess I should start moving out some of my stuff."

"Maybe you should," Sheldon said as he toyed with a piece of chicken in his food packet.

"Like my couch," Leonard said with a smirk.

Sheldon twitched even as his stomach fell.

"I'll buy it from you," he said quickly.

"No. I'm rather attached to the couch," Leonard said lightly.

"But there's no room for it in Penny's apartment." Sheldon tossed his chop sticks in his container like a harpoon.

"Maybe I'll put it in storage."

"But mice get in there!" Sheldon gasped.

"Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll sell you the couch if we switch apartments."

Sheldon glared at his roommate.

"Penny's right. You are a douchebag." Sheldon slammed his food packet on the table, got up, and stormed down the hall.

Leonard leaned back in his chair.

"I can't buy a break," he sighed.

xTBBTx

Raj waited until Howard was settled at the lunch table before broaching the subject.

"So how are things with Bernadette?" he asked gently.

"We're giving it a second try," Howard replied. "Only this time there's going to be mutual respect."

"So the lightsabers are going above your bed?"

"I'm working on that," Howard said with a bit of a blush. "It's difficult since this was Bernie's place first but I'm determined to stand up for me."

"You got it," Leonard snapped. He leaned back in his chair and dropped his fork disgustedly on his tray.

"Trouble in Lenny land?" asked Raj before taking a sip of lemonade.

"Lenny land isn't the problem. It's the drive through Bat-Crap Crazyville to get there that's brutal."

"What's Sheldon done now?" asked Howard albeit with a slight frown.

Leonard sighed. "Penny and I need a bigger place to live or our relationship is going to go down the tubes. Sheldon's on his own in the bigger apartment. Logic dictates that we should switch apartments. So is he being logical? No, he's being a big baby saying 'it's my apartment' and 'you know I don't like change'. He's totally thinking about himself and doesn't give a damn about other peoples' feelings."

"You're right, he's being selfish given that the apartment is his apartment," said Howard. Leonard looked up at Howard in surprise.

"So why don't Penny and you move to another apartment?" asked Raj. "It'd get you away from Sheldon."

"The rent's reasonable here," said Leonard as he took up his fork.

"But Penny's job should more than cover a higher rent."

"For now." Leonard took a bite of his veggie loaf. "But what about when we decide to start a family?"

"What about it?" asked Raj between forkfuls of macaroni.

"Well, she'll be on maternity leave or maybe she'll have to quit so she can take care of the kids."

"Bernie looked into that," said Howard. "The company has a generous maternity leave package."

"That's if Penny still has her job," said Leonard.

"Why wouldn't she?" asked Raj. Now he had the beginnings of a frown. Leonard again set his fork aside.

"Look, not that I'm saying that Penny's bad at stuff, it's just that there's a lot to study in being a pharmaceutical rep and she's not exactly the best at academics," he said.

"So, basically you're waiting for her to screw up," Raj said crisply.

"Of course not!" Leonard gasped. "Although it's smart to have contingency plans in case something goes wrong."

"Okay, so what's the contingency in case you lose your job?" asked Howard.

"Pfft. Like I'd lose my job," snorted Leonard. He looked over and saw Sheldon come around the corner with his lunch tray.

"Gentlemen," said Sheldon as he sat. "Dr. Hofstadter."

"What time do you want us over on Saturday?" asked Howard.

"Seven forty five. That'll give us fifteen minutes to get settled before we unleash ourselves."

"Sounds fun," Raj grinned as he rubbed his hands.

Leonard agreed. "Hey, maybe Penny and I could come over later and we could all—"

"No," Sheldon said firmly.

"Sheldon, I still live there."

"And when you had a date you expected privacy and I spent evenings in the stairwell," sniffed Sheldon as he wiped his hands with a napkin.

"You have a date?"

"A dinner date with Martha, after which Raj and Howard are coming over to play Rock Band."

"You mean you finally met your pixel pal?"

"Yes. Penny drove me."

"Martha," mused Raj. "Is Martha Abby's friend?"

"The very same," said Sheldon.

"Wait, Penny's driving you on your dates?" growled Leonard.

"That's terrific," Raj smiled. He looked to Howard. "She's totally into comic books." His smile widened. "And from what I remember, Sheldon, too."

"Why wouldn't she be interested? I'm interesting," sniffed Sheldon.

"And clueless."

"Let's back up here," said Leonard slowly. "So Penny's involved in your love life?"

Howard rolled his eyes. "Leonard, chill."

"You're right, you're right." Leonard picked up his fork and began to stir his macaroni. "Besides, it's good to have a get together before things change around the apartment." Sheldon glared at Leonard but said nothing.

"Ooo, you're redecorating?" asked Raj. "I've got some decor magazines you might want to look at."

"We're not changing a lot of things," said Leonard as he scowled back at Sheldon. "Just one thing."

"Leonard's taking the couch," Sheldon said stiffly.

"But that's Sheldon's spot!" Raj said, jaw dropped.

"No it's not," Leonard spat. "It's a couch that happens to be in Sheldon's spot. You remember he sat in a lawn chair before we brought in the couch."

"O-kay," Howard said. "So if you're staying at Penny's, how is the couch going to fit?"

"I was thinking of storing it for a while."

"But that costs money. Wouldn't it make more sense leaving it in the apartment?"

Leonard looked pointedly at Sheldon.

"I think it would look lovely in Penny's place don't you, Sheldon?"

"Leonard, for the last time I'm not moving," Sheldon growled.

"You'd be right across the hall," Leonard whined.

"This conversation is over."

Sheldon took up his food tray and left the table.

"You sneaky bastard," Howard said disgustedly. "You're using Sheldon's crazy to force him out."

"I'm doing what's best for Penny and me," Leonard countered.

"No, you're doing your best to be a sucky friend," scowled Raj.

They all began to eat in silence.

"It's for Penny and me," Leonard mumbled.

xTBBTx

axiogermasporin—I made the drug up.