Raphael couldn't stand the look in Ragnor's eyes. The fact that, although he was in immense physical pain, his eyes could be filled with so much hope and joy was enough to drive Raphael insane. He was highly aware of the fact that Catarina and Alec were looking at him so expectantly, but that fact only served to make him even more uncomfortable. In the end, the only thing Raphael could do was shoot Ragnor and apologetic look and all but sprint for the door. Raphael had no idea where he was going, he just knew that he needed to get out, to be able to think without being expected to do anything else.
Since Raphael knew it had only gotten dark a couple of hours ago, he headed for the one place he knew Ragnor would eventually find him, but he also knew it was the one place that would actually allow him to relax enough to think. No one else but Ragnor would think to look for Raphael in this rundown, half abandoned church. Well, Raphael knew that wasn't strictly true. Magnus was the other person who knew Raphael could walk on holy ground, but seeing as Magnus was currently otherwise engaged, Raphael knew he wouldn't have to worry about anyone finding him until Catarina cleared Ragnor to leave.
The problem wasn't that Raphael didn't want Ragnor to be his soulmate, his feelings on that subject were actually quite the opposite. He simply didn't deem himself worthy of anyone in any way, but certainly not Ragnor. He was certainly not worthy of the kindest person he'd ever met. And Raphael definitely did not think that he could live up to Ragnor's expectations in any way shape or form. He knew too well that Ragnor wanted the legend to be true in every sense.
Raphael had grown up loving his cross, it had symbolized almost everything that he was. But as soon as he was Turned, the cross symbolized everything he had once been, and suddenly he hated it with everything he had. It only served as a reminder of the monster he'd become. So Raphael had sworn to never speak of it to anyone again, and now that he had seen Ragnor's matching tattoo, he knew that had been a terrible mistake. Raphael knew all too well how long Ragnor had waited for his soulmate, and the thought that he had caused Ragnor to wait for almost another century because he'd been ashamed of his tattoo drove Raphael mad.
It wasn't long before Raphael heard Ragnor walking toward him. He didn't need to turn around to know they were Ragnor's footsteps he was hearing. It was that realization that scared Raphael the most. The fact that he knew Ragnor better than he'd ever known anyone, the fact that he felt himself wanting to know Ragnor even better. All of it made him want to run away once more, but he forced himself to stay as Ragnor took a seat beside of him. "Why'd you leave like that?" was all that Ragnor asked, and Raphael was surprised to see that he wasn't angry, that he was more worried about Raphael than anything else.
Raphael shook his head at first, thinking about avoiding the entire conversation, but then he realized that Ragnor would read right through it anyway. "You don't deserve someone like me," he replied, refusing to look over and meet Ragnor's eyes. "I'm broken in every way possible. Every last one. You're so kind and gentle and you deserve someone who isn't broken." Raphael finally did look over when Ragnor chuckled.
"We're all broken in some way, Raphael," he said, his voice gentle in the way that Raphael knew so well. "And we're rarely as broken as we think we are." Raphael looked down at his hands, knowing that there was truth in Ragnor's word, but unwilling to admit that to Ragnor. He hardly moved when Ragnor reached over to take his hand. The thing that surprised him the most about this gesture was that Raphael could tell Ragnor wasn't expecting anything from it, that he was simply trying to comfort Raphael.
"You think you're broken beyond repair, I get that. You've thought that for a very long time." Raphael finally looked back at Ragnor as he continued speaking, his voice so genuine that Raphael couldn't help but meet his eyes. "If you're broken, Raphael, then I want all of you. Every last broken piece. I used to think I was broken, too. But you're the one who made me realize that I might not be as broken as I thought I was. Not because I ever thought of you as broken as well, but because you made me want to be a better man than I'd ever been before."
Ragnor chuckled again when all Raphael could do was squeeze his hand. "I don't know about you," he said, a smile slowly creeping across his face. "But I sure would like to give this a shot." Ragnor was going to say more than that, Raphael knew he was. But before Ragnor could continue, Raphael had to satisfy his sudden urge to close the space between them with a kiss. Raphael was entirely certain that this was the most impulsive thing he'd ever done, but he was also entirely certain it was the most satisfying thing he'd ever done. After so long of shutting himself off from absolutely everyone, allowing himself to melt into Ragnor's touch was more than he'd ever dreamed of.
When they finally pulled apart, Raphael felt a little bit lighter, and he knew that part of that was due to his joy over seeing Ragnor's smile. For several moments, Ragnor simply leaned forward so their foreheads were touching, obviously wanting to hang on to the moment just as much as Raphael wanted to. Before long, however, Raphael realized that they had to get back to the situation at hand, that they would have plenty of time to talk more about this particular situation later. "Do you really think Alec will say yes?" he asked, searching Ragnor's eyes for any drop of hope.
Ragnor sighed and leaned back, clearly annoyed that their whole soulmate revelation time was over. But Raphael could see the fear in his eyes. Raphael knew how scared Ragnor had to be, he knew that Magnus had been by Ragnor's side for centuries, and losing a centuries old friend could not be easy in any way. But Raphael truly admired the strength Ragnor was showing even in the face of something like this. Ragnor slowly nodded, as though he was trying to think his way through the situation. "I think Alec meant what he said. He's a genuine person." Ragnor paused, and Raphael reached over to take his hand again.
"But he also has a lot to lose," Ragnor continued after several seconds of silence. "So I think I want to withhold an opinion at the moment. He was very upset when he said those things. I do think he genuinely cares for Magnus." Raphael had to agree, but both Ragnor and Magnus held a much stronger trust of Shadowhunters than Raphael himself ever had. The last thing Raphael wanted to believe was that Alec would let his soulmate die, but as he motioned for Ragnor to get up, Raphael had trouble convincing himself that a Shadowhunter could do anything other than put themselves about everyone around them.
Walking into Magnus's trial had been every bit a nightmare as Raphael had thought it would be. He had been terribly thankful that it was taking place far enough into the evening that he could go with Ragnor, knowing that Ragnor did not need to be alone during the trial. Magnus was already in his place in the center of the room, and Raphael was hurt to see Ragnor's smile when his eyes met Magnus's. The one thing Raphael knew would actually be able to break Ragnor was the loss of Magnus, so he found his nerves building as they took their seats and immediately saw Alec coming toward them.
Alec had his little brother, Max, in his arms, and it was obvious that Max didn't want to let go. Raphael guessed that Alec had told his family of his intention to say yes, and Max was certainly against the idea of it. "I was wondering if the two of you could watch him for me," Alec asked as soon as he was near them. Raphael knew that Max adored both Magnus and Ragnor, and from Alec's anxious looks, he clearly knew that his other family didn't need to be trying to take care of Max while worrying about him as well. Ragnor automatically nodded and reached out for Max.
Alec gave his brother a quick kiss before almost forcibly handing him over to Ragnor. As soon as Alec turned away from them, Max relaxed into Ragnor's arms, but Raphael could see the tension in Max's demeanor. Raphael watched in silence as Alec moved to find Jace and Isabelle. It was obvious that Isabelle had been crying, and when Jace and Alec finally hugged, Raphael had to look away. He didn't know what was about to happen, but what he did know was that Alec was preparing himself for maximum pain. Or worse.
There was no precedent, so Raphael had no idea what would really happen. The Clave had always claimed that they wouldn't actually kill the Shadowhunter if they answered yes, but Raphael knew they had no mercy. Alec saying yes to taking Magnus's place would upset the entire Shadowhunter-Downworlder balance, and Raphael was willing to bet that the Clave would act as irrationally as always. "Will he be okay?" Max asked when he turned around in Ragnor's arms. Raphael watched as Ragnor simply nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. He reached over and placed a hand on Ragnor's arm, attempting to give any comfort he could.
When the trial commenced, Raphael easily sensed the fact that Ragnor tensed even more, his grip on Max tightening. Raphael went in and out of paying attention to what the obnoxious Clave members were actually saying. A lot of what they were saying was about the fact that this newfound soulmate relationship was a disgrace to the Shadowhunter name and many other obnoxious things that Raphael didn't really want to hear. He paid much more attention to Max's squirming and Ragnor's ever increasing heart rate.
Raphael finally fully turned his attention to the trial when Alec was called to the stand. It was then that Ragnor reached over for his hand, and Raphael found himself stroking the top or Ragnor's hand with his thumb, trying to calm Ragnor's heartbeat. Raphael could hear it even over the trail, and it practically broke his heart. "At this time, we would like to ask Alexander Lightwood if he wishes to take his soulmate's punishment," a Calve member whose name Raphael had no hope of remember said.
It was clear that everyone was getting ready to leave, as if they thought they knew what Alec's answer would be. Raphael's eyes, however, were on Magnus, knowing that Magnus also thought he already knew Alec's answer. For several long moments, Alec's eyes met Magnus's and Raphael could feel Ragnor's breathing stop, just as terrified as Magnus was. Raphael felt Ragnor automatically relax, almost in a guilty way, when Alec finally opened his mouth to answer, "Yes."
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