Reference to: 'The Intimacy Acceleration'
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"It's actually quite exciting right now," said Sheldon as he sat in his spot eating dinner. "With the detection of y-ray 'noise' it's suggesting that dark matter particles are much heavier than previously thought, although not so heavy that the Large Hadron Collider can't find them."
"Looks like you jumped into the field at the right time," said Martha as she took a sip of cranberry juice.
"Especially since these findings will be problematic for supersymmetry."
"You know, with so much of this still up in the air it makes me wonder if the philosophical community can help in drawing out a metaphysical reality to render a clearer vision of dark matter," mused Martha.
"Poppycock," Sheldon pished. "Metaphysically, there isn't anything to say because there is an epistemological barrier. When we speak of 'dark matter' we mean that there is matter that we don't know much about, not that we're pondering their existence."
"I get this from a former string theorist?" scoffed Martha. "You can't make the necessary leaps needed to produce a cosmological or unified theory without swimming in metaphysical waters."
"Point," Sheldon said with pursed lips. "So you're suggesting that we seek out complementary explanations of the universe through metaphysical leaps and mathematical theories." He leaned back in his seat and smirked. "Why Martha, are you trying to seduce me with the Humanities?"
"Would I do a thing like that?" she grinned as she cut a piece of her chicken-fried steak. "Now remember, you can't poke fun at the mote in my eye because you already have a metaphysical beam stuck in your own."
Sheldon paused and then let out a gaspy laugh.
XXX
At the knock at the door Howard kissed Bernadette on the cheek before popping off the couch.
"Hey," he said as he opened the door to Raj, who waved in response. "Okay Bernie I'm off."
"That's nice," she said without turning from the television. "Have a good time."
Howard closed his eyes, a mental Damn went through his head.
"You're okay with all this, right?" he asked. "We talked about it and—"
"Of course I'm fine with it," Bernadette said sweetly. "I've got things to do here so off you go!"
"Okay," Howard said, relieved. "Be back later."
As soon as Howard and Raj left Bernadette turned off the television.
"He can go off playing his stupid video games," she tsked. "That leaves me time to do what I want to do."
She thought.
"Penny's with Leonard so that rules her out. And Amy's working late at the lab this weekend."
She thought some more.
"Something fun," she murmured. "Something I like to do..."
Bernadette got off the couch and began to wander around the apartment. Her vases that she got at Pier One Import were offset by 3D printed dolls of Howard and her and a rather large statue of Gandalf the Grey. Past the magazine folders and fake flowers, she came to the dining table with its woven Pottery Barn placemats. Beside it, on the window ledge, was a model of the space shuttle. She then looked to the side desk where on the right was a photo of Howard in his NASA flight suit and on the left side was their wedding photo. She took up the wedding photo and held it to her chest.
Now frowning, Bernadette made more of a concerted effort to find something that said 'Bernadette' but all she could find in the bedroom were baskets and flower-covered organizer boxes that were next to Vespa motorcycle jackets, brightly coloured sneakers and boxes of magic tricks.
She returned to the living room and sat primly on the couch. Bernadette noted the magazines on the coffee table but they suddenly seemed too generic, like a product placement at IKEA. In fact the entire apartment looked like it came out of a catalogue or was a stage set. Except for Howard's things. They were out of place. They were childish and out of synch with the decor.
They had personality.
They said, 'hi, I'm Howard Wolowitz and these are some of my interests'.
"So what am I interested in?" Bernadette mumbled. She thought about working at the Cheesecake Factory and then grad school and then her current job. But what hobbies did she have? She stared at the wedding photo.
She married Howard. That's the only thing she did that stood out from her practically witness protection life. He was interesting. Marrying him was the only thing interesting about her.
Bernadette's belongings said she was generic.
Howard's said he was a dreamer.
His childishness pissed her off but at the same time it made her fearful.
What if, instead of growing up, Howard actually woke up?
XXX
"You know, when you think about all the characters in a comic book, they're actually all super beings," mused Martha as she sat in Leonard's chair. "I mean Lois Lane had to be made of super stuff for Superman not to have cut her into pieces when he caught her falling off the Daily Planet building."
"That was a movie," Sheldon replied as he busied himself setting up the Rock Band drum set. "In The Amazing Spider-Man one twenty one, Gwen Stacy's neck is broken as a result of the conservation of momentum when Spider-Man catches her mid-fall with his web."
"But superheroes catch people all the time and for the most part the people are unscathed. No dislocated shoulders. No spinal cord issues."
"Well, in the Marvel universe there is a case to be made for mutation given the extreme forms we see with the X-Men and whatnot." Sheldon stood and went behind Leonard's chair to where the guitar boxes were placed. "After all, the Sentinels picked out humans as also having mutations."
Martha cracked a smile. "You do realize with your eidetic memory you're a mutant."
"Indeed I do," Sheldon sniffed. "Although I am more humble than Magneto when he calls himself 'homo superior'."
"Oh? And just what are you?"
"Homo novus." Sheldon leaned his guitar against the couch even as he looked up to stare at a chuckling Martha. "You doubt me?"
"Never ever, Superman," she winked just as first a knock and then the door opened.
"What's up, my bo-shizzles," said Howard as he came in followed by Raj.
"And here we are with the other end of the spectrum—the engineer," sighed Sheldon.
"Hi Martha," Raj said amiably. "Very nice to make your acquaintance again."
"Thanks Raj," she smiled.
"I'm Howard J. Wolowitz aka the Drum Lord," said Howard. "My beat's fast but so is my—"
"We get it, Howard," Sheldon said with a frown. "You like fondling your penis."
"I was going to say my heart arrhythmia," Howard amended.
"See what you missed?" Raj said to Martha. "You're here for an evening and you've had men cook you dinner, offer you their penis and heart and serenade you with music."
"Martha is my friend, not yours," Sheldon said stiffly. "If you feel the sudden urge to copulate might I suggest a phone call to Emily?"
"But I don't want to copulate," replied Raj who then put an imaginary microphone to his mouth and thrust his arm in the air. "I want to rock!"
"Rock!" Martha and Howard echoed as they went to their instruments.
"Just remember we've got a noise ordinance in the building," warned Sheldon as he slung his guitar strap over his head.
Howard let loose with a drum solo which suddenly dropped in volume.
"You said 'rock' not 'deafen'," Sheldon said as he set the remote on the coffee table.
XXX
"Boy they're loud," scowled Leonard as he sat on Penny's couch in a huff.
"I'm used to you and Sheldon yelling at each other," replied Penny distractedly as she sat curled up at the other end reading an In Touch Magazine. "At least this has a beat."
"I don't see why we can't just go over."
"Because we supposedly have our own lives." She turned a page. "When we get married we won't always be over at Sheldon's place."
"But it's bigger."
"So then we'll look for a bigger place."
"You mean you want to move?"
"That or we get a flower box," Penny said drolly.
"Flower box?" asked Leonard.
"Never mind." She looked up to see the big pouty look on Leonard's face. "Look, don't worry about this. So they're playing video games. Let's make our own fun."
"Okay." Leonard began to massage her foot.
"Leonard, it's only eight o'clock."
"Okay. Sorry." He paused. "What to do what to do." He glanced around the apartment. "We could..." He plucked the side of his mouth with his tongue. "We could watch a movie."
"What movie?" Penny narrowed her eyes as she read. "And by that I mean no superheroes, magic, or space ships."
"How about I, Robot?" Penny lowered her magazine to give him a 'yeah right' look. "Hey, there's no magic or superhe—"
"I think I liked it better when you were just silently pouting." She resumed reading.
"I wasn't pouting." A guitar solo whooped up followed by cheering. He glared at the door.
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Penny rounded the corner and was glad to see 2311 Los Robles Avenue. She hadn't been as faithful to jogging as she used to so this little foray had been a real ordeal. Thank goodness for that bakery and its heavenly bear claw or else she doubted she'd have the strength to make it home.
"Huh, someone's moving," she said as she noted the 'Two Men and a Truck' medium sized cube van parked outside the entrance.
Penny took out her key to unlock the door and entered the lobby. Immediately she felt cooler as she was out of the sun. She'd consider moving to an indoor track only if they had a fresh bakery along route. She ascended the stairs, thoughts of a nice shower in mind, when she heard Sheldon shouting.
"You can't have it! ... I don't care! It's staying!"
Penny raced up the final flights of stairs to her floor.
"Sheldon, it's mine and I can do what I want with it!" Leonard's voice.
"You can't take my spot!" yelled Sheldon.
Penny turned the handle at 4A but there was something or someone blocking the door so she couldn't enter.
"Let me in!" she said loudly.
A pause and then the pressure against the door vanished and she opened it to find Sheldon with his back to her, his arms and legs wide as if to block the two burly guys from carrying the couch out the door.
"What the hell's going on here?" she asked, her gaze firmly on Leonard.
"I've decided to move some of my things," Leonard explained.
"You can't take the couch. That's Sheldon's spot."
"Sheldon had a lawn chair before that. He'll just find something else."
"Well it's not going in my apartment," Penny said firmly as she folded her arms in front of her chest.
"It's not," Leonard said. "It's going into storage. You know"—Sheldon and he locked eyes—"in case something changes my mind."
"Never!" Sheldon shouted before rushing off to his room.
"The couch stays, Leonard," Penny said coldly.
"You know how you always wanted me to be more assertive? Well I am," Leonard replied smugly. "Trust me on this."
"You can't do this to Sheldon."
"I'm doing this for us."
"Us?!" Penny squawked. "How is this helping us?"
"I promised Sheldon he could have the couch if we swapped apartments."
"What?!"
"You know Sheldon, change isn't his thing," Leonard whined. "He just needs time and he'll see that it's the best thing—"
"The couch stays," Penny said, her icy glare at the two movers made them take their hands off the couch.
"But—"
"It stays." A crooked smile came to Penny's lips. "Actually, how much did you buy it for?"
"A hundred dollars," Leonard said, a frown forming on his brow.
"I'll give you two hundred for it."
"It's not for sale," Leonard said firmly.
"Okay, then how 'bout we swap? Give me the couch"—she took off her engagement ring and held it to him—"or I give you this."
"That's blackmail!" Leonard said angrily.
"Two hundred bucks or the ring. Take what you want."
"I don't want your money."
"It makes it legit." Penny put her ring in his hand. "Keep this as collateral until I hit the bank machine."
Leonard was beside himself.
"It's always him, isn't it?" he snapped. "Even when it's about us it's Sheldon!"
He stormed by her and out of the apartment.
"There will still be a charge even though we didn't move anything," said one of the movers.
"That's fine," said Penny.
She signed the proffered clip board and the two men departed. With a sigh she then went down the hallway to Sheldon's door, only stopping as she heard him repeating a little mantra to himself:
"It's just a couch, it's just a couch, it's just a couch, it's just—"
Penny knocked and opened the door.
"Sweetie?" she said gently. Sheldon sniffled but said nothing as he sat on his bed with his head down. "The couch isn't going anywhere." She approached the bed. "I bought it off Leonard and I'm giving it to you so you—"
Sheldon bolted off the bed and wrapped his arms around Penny's shoulders in a big hug. The pair stood there, Penny gently rubbing his back.
"Anyways," she said softly. "I don't think it's in the right spot so we should move it back."
Sheldon broke the hug and nodded in acknowledgment before they went to the living room. They took a few minutes to angle the couch. When it was to Sheldon's satisfaction he sat in his spot, wiggled his buttocks to get comfortable before closing his eyes and letting out a sigh.
"I'm sorry Leonard was such a douche," Penny said as she sat in the fluffy chair. "He should have known that you're—"
"Bat crap crazy?" Sheldon said softly. He shrugged. "From an outsider's position I suppose I am but this all makes perfect sense to me." He patted the arm rest. "This spot is my locus, a place where everything is at equilibrium."
"Why's it important for you?" Penny asked. "I'm not knocking it, just that I don't get it."
"It's the prime location in the apartment based on the physical proximities to the window, air flow television, etcetera. It's how I try to navigate through the world, although I realize that I'm rather unsuccessful in social situations." Sheldon sighed. "Things are complicated outside of this apartment and I find that stressful." He looked to Penny. "Sometimes people complicate 'here' with their sarcasm and Radiohead."
"I'm sorry, Sheldon. I never knew you felt—I mean you always seem so confident. Well, most of the time."
"I am—when I'm not dealing with people. Even familiar faces can be stressful at times." Sheldon leaned forward and squiggled his butt to settle into the cushion. "I can't read sarcasm very well and even when I do catch it I'm left wondering if you're laughing with me or at me." He settled back in his seat. "The same with anger. When you're angry I'm unsure if I'm the cause of it and so I rack my brain, going over my previous words and conduct. It's why I have a Conversation Log."
"I never knew it was that bad," Penny said slowly. "I'll try to keep this in mind when I'm around you."
"What I want you to be around me, is you," Sheldon said firmly. "As much as Amy had enriched my experiences I never would have had them if it wasn't for you expanding my horizons to begin with." A little smile brushed his lips. "For someone I initially thought so mundane you really are quite remarkable, Penny."
"And once I look up mundane I'll thank you," she grinned.
"So, to business. How much did the couch cost?"
"Two hundred bucks." Sheldon got up and went to a peanut can on the book shelf. "Honey, you don't have to pay me."
"I want the transaction to be monetarily bound."
He popped off the lid and took out a sum of money. Sheldon then returned to the seating area and handed Penny the bills. When she took it there was a pause as he didn't let go.
"It's no lie when I say I'll never forget this," he said seriously. He released the money.
"I love you, Dr. Whackadoodle," Penny said with a warm smile.
"Likewise, Kitten," Sheldon nodded.
XXX
Leonard sat in his car. He'd been there for at least half an hour as he realized he was too angry to drive.
Somehow, his plan of getting closer to Penny had ended with him sitting in his car with her engagement ring in hand and her upstairs with Sheldon.
"Way to go, genius," he mumbled.
Over the years Penny became pretty predictable: if she had a problem, she had alcohol, problem would somehow resolve itself or, more likely, she just kept herself numb. Leonard realized the pattern and said little about her alcohol consumption; after all, she might be a quasi-alcoholic but she was his quasi-alcoholic. Not that he meant that it took Penny being drunk to be his girlfriend. Only that he didn't want to take the chance otherwise.
Then Sheldon came into the picture and everything went to hell.
Penny became an overprotective mother bear and kicked bullies in the balls and sang Soft Kitty.
There was something between them, a connection which Leonard envied. He'd seen Penny happy and angry and everything in between. But never did she seem more alive than when she was in battle with Sheldon Cooper. Leonard would kill to have Penny look at him the same way. He frowned. But then again, he might wilt under that junior rodeo glare.
Leonard sighed. This was a mess and it was his job to clean it up. He got out of the car and made his way back to apartment 4B and knocked.
Penny opened the door.
"You owe Sheldon an apology," she said crisply.
"Yeah, I do, but I also owe you an explanation and I'd like to do that first," Leonard replied.
Penny nodded and stepped aside for him to enter the living room. Leonard began to pace as Penny sat on the arm of her couch.
"I'm sorry you had to see this," he began.
"It was stupid."
"Yeah, it wasn't one of my better plans." He stopped pacing and looked up. "It's just that we were tripping over each other here and I didn't want to be fighting all the time. It's been stressful. You getting a new job. Us living together."
"We weren't fighting all the time." Penny cocked her head. "And I'm not stressing about my job."
"Well, stress comes from good things as well as bad things," he backpedaled.
"But my new job is a good thing, right?" Penny asked pointedly.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Leonard agreed with a nervous twang. "As for the apartment, what about when Sheldon gets a new roommate? We'll be trapped in here."
"You really think that after this Sheldon will want to live with you?" Penny snorted.
"I was just thinking about us," Leonard sighed. "I've—we've worked—so hard to get this far."
"Then we need to look for another apartment," Penny said firmly.
"But this reasonable?"
"Leonard, we're both professionals. We can float a bigger place." Leonard made to speak. "We can," Penny said again for emphasis.
Leonard came over to her.
"Can I make this up to you?" he asked.
"Sure," Penny said. She leaned towards him. "After you apologize to Sheldon."
"Now?"
"I'll still be here."
Leonard's amiable expression slipped off as he left the apartment. No doubt Sheldon was going to make this long and drawn out when all Leonard wanted to do was make things up with Penny, perhaps a little makeup sex and then plan their future by looking over apartments.
He opened his apartment door to find Sheldon sitting on the couch.
"Sheldon, I want to say sorry for—"
Sheldon got up, took his seat cushion, and went to his room.
"Well, I say that counts," sniffed Leonard as he closed the door and went back to Penny's place.
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wwwnaturecomnewsmysterious-galactic-signal-points-lhc-to-dark-matter-1.17485: Dark Matter
wwwgalilean-libraryorgsiteindexphptopic587-metaphysical-dark-energy-and-matter: Dark Matter and Metaphysics (Martha's mote comment is attributed to a physicist but the citation was unclear so I left it. Just don't think it came from me!)
wwwpbsorgnewshourrundowngetting-superheroes-to-do-their-spider-math-and-bat-physics: Superhero Physics