Reference to: 'The Ornithophobia Diffusion'; 'The Maternal Combustion'
xTBBTx
"Knock Knock," said Amy as she rapped against Leonard's door frame.
"Hey," said Leonard, surprised, as he turned off the laser and took off his protective glasses. "What's up?"
"Just came into the university for a consult," Amy said evenly. "You have a moment?"
"Sure." Leonard moved his stool over and sat. Amy cleared her throat.
"Since you and Penny have moved in together we'll be seeing a lot of each other," she began.
"I guess," Leonard replied, although not very enthusiastically.
"It makes me uncomfortable."
"Why?"
"Because I don't like how Penny's lying to you."
Leonard's eyes widened. "What are you talking about?" Amy sighed.
"Every time we have a girls' night she complains about you." Amy glanced about the room as she recited. "You have nothing in common, you're basing your love on sex even though the intercourse is mediocre, she no longer has her own friends, you're jealous of her associating with other men—although I can understand why. You—"
"Wait, when did she say this?" Leonard interjected.
"All the time, Leonard. Bernadette and I are sick of her bringing it up. And now with her moving in with you"—Amy looked to Leonard—"that's a major commitment for you and I don't want to see you in the same position as Howard."
"Penny and I are not Howard and Bernadette," Leonard snapped.
"So you mean Penny's complaints aren't without merit?"
"Of course not! We have plenty in common like..." Leonard's cheeks turned red with anger.
"I hope you get this settled. The last thing I want to see is either of you hurt."
Amy left a frowning Leonard.
"That gets the traitor," she muttered with a smirk. "Now for the mastermind."
She pulled out her phone.
XXX
Sheldon and Martha were in 4A eating Thai food and watching a DVR saved Flash episode when the home phone rang. He set aside his food and answered.
"Hello?"
"Are you sinnin'?" came a loud female voice.
"Mom?" He glanced at Martha, who had heard Mary's voice, before standing and moving to his bedroom. "What are you talking about?"
"Ah heard you were fornicatin' with a lady friend of yours."
"I don't really see how that's any of your business."
"You're muh son. An' ah raised yuh right to answer your mother. Now are yuh havin' premarital sex?"
"Yes."
"Ah Shelly. Ah can't say I approve but on the other hand it's a big relief."
"Really?"
"Yuh don't know how often ah prayed tuh the Lord that yuh'd smarten up an' give me proper grand babies." She snorted. "Amy was an odd bird an' frankly ah wondered what muh grandchildren were gonna be like between the two of yuh."
"Well I assure you grandchildren are a long way off. Besides, aren't you being hypocritical with your abstinence battle cry?"
"Just because ah'm sinnin' doesn't mean ah want my children to. But I won't judge. Ah just want yuh to be happy."
"I am. Goodbye mother."
Sheldon hung up and returned to the living room. Martha was waiting, having paused the DVR.
"Your mom?" she asked.
"Apparently someone told her we were having intercourse," he mumbled as he sat in his spot.
"And?" She smirked. "You're a grown man, Sheldon."
"From a Christian household."
"Oh. I didn't realize you were religious."
Sheldon snorted. "I most certainly am not. But my mother is."
"Sheldon," Martha began in a serious tone. "Is this one of those her or me moments? Because after Amy I—"
"My mother is in Texas," Sheldon interjected smoothly. "I have my own life." He shrugged. "Besides, in a roundabout way I think she's relieved."
"Why?"
"Grandchildren."
Martha's eyes widened before she chuckled. "At least we're not rushing into things."
"She was thinking about it, not me," Sheldon quickly amended. "I've a lot of research to catch up on if I'm going to make a legitimate stab at a Nobel Prize."
"And?" Martha hinted as she leaned towards him.
"And my extracurricular time is already filled. Train watching. Kite flying. Model rocket building—" Martha whapped him with a throw pillow.
"Anything else?" she teased.
"Comic Con?"
"Now you're talking," she grinned before they exchanged a kiss.
"Although tonight I have something else in mind," said Sheldon as he sat back.
"What's that?"
"Three guesses who told my mother about us and the first two don't count."
"Amy isn't going to leave us alone, is she?" Martha sighed.
"She will. Obviously my first salvo hit."
"What did you do?"
"Not important," he said as he took up the remote. "What matters is that we go bright and early to the university tomorrow."
XXX
Penny was sitting on her couch. She wasn't drinking, which was odd for her as her nerves were getting to her. Leonard was coming over to talk. She was just hoping that it would be constructive and not—what? Was what was happening so bad? Sure he cheated on her but it wasn't like they— Penny frowned. Cheating was cheating. Leonard had taken what they had and tossed it under a bus.
"Idiot," she grumbled just as she heard keys in the lock and the door open.
"Hey," Leonard said as he closed the door and came to the couch. "I had an interesting conversation with Amy. She said that you're constantly complaining about me. That the sex is bad. That I've taken you away from your friends"—Penny's mouth made a big 'O'—"Oh, yeah, and that we have zero in common and that I'm a jealous douche."
"That bitch!" she gasped.
"I can't believe you'd stab me in the back like that. Stab us in the back."
"Stab us? Who the hell cheated, Dr. 'It Was Just Tongue'?"
"That was a mistake," he countered. "One time. What you're doing is continually bashing me." He sighed. "Penny, our relationship isn't going to last if you keep doing this."
"Why do you always have to make me feel bad?" Penny growled as she stood. "It's always Leonard Knows Best and dummy Penny getting a 'bad girl, bad girl'!"
"I'm not patronizing you. I love you and I don't want—"
"Yeah, yeah, you don't want me to screw this up." Penny began to pace but then stopped. "Leonard, why do we love each other? We say we do and I suppose we do but I don't understand why."
"Penny, from the moment I first saw you I knew I wanted to be with you," Leonard said softly.
"But you didn't know me."
"And when we spoke you were funny and kind."
"Bernadette and Howard were funny and kind."
"We're not Bernadette and Howard," Leonard said. "Penny, we've been at this for eight years. That's got to mean something."
"Maybe it does. We spend our nights eating, watching movies, a drink or two and then bed. I did that when I was a waitress and I don't want to do that now."
"So, what, you've got a better job and now you want to dump me?" he gasped.
"I want to do something more than this," Penny sighed.
"You are dumping me!"
"Why is this always about you?!" Penny snarled as she threw her hands into the air. "I mean I want kids and a husband and a career. I do. But I also want to dream."
"We have dreams" he whined.
"But you also want your Nobel Prize. Your comic books."
"You're making me sound like Sheldon," scowled Leonard. "Is this what it's all about? You want Sheldon?"
"Of course not," Penny snapped as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "But Sheldon found someone who likes him just the way he is. We give each other beta lists. I've got a closet full of high heels I don't wear because I 'remind you of your mommy'."
"But I do things you want like hiking and karaoke."
"Because you want to have sex with me!" Penny gave a crooked smile. "That's what you said. Or is that not true anymore?" Pause. "Leonard?"
"So if things are so bad with us why did you propose?" Leonard spat.
"I didn't want to lose you," Penny sighed. "I'd lost everything and—"
"I was the only thing you had left," he said. "You said I was your pop tart. But now I'm a bran muffin."
"I think we're each other's bran muffins, Leonard," Penny said. "I keep asking myself why we're in this relationship. I mean it's like a bunch of writers got together and said, 'let's give Leonard the hot girl' and that was that. No matter what we did we were destined for each other."
"What's wrong with that?"
"We sound like Sheldon and Amy. She said to him that she was the best girlfriend he was going to have. And we can see that's wrong."
Leonard rolled his eyes. "Penny, we can't base our relationship off of Sheldon."
"Leonard, when I met you guys you were all single. Then we went out, then Howard and Bernadette, then Amy and Sheldon and now Raj and Emily. One by one these relationships are exploding. And do you know why? We don't respect each other." Penny nodded slowly. "Amy was right. She didn't respect Sheldon and he did treat her horribly and what's with Bernie and that allowance thing with Howard? And then there's us. We say there's more to us than sex and yet you never trust me around men and cheat the moment you're away from me."
"You've got it all wrong," Leonard protested.
"You didn't answer my question, Leonard. Are you still doing things I want to do because you want to have sex with me?"
They looked at each other. Perhaps for the first time.
"Our babies will be smart and beautiful," he said weakly.
"And lactose intolerant." They both chuckled softly. "Leonard, I think you can be the sweetest guy when you want to be, but you're also the biggest douche I know. And the thing is that you do it to yourself because you're so damn insecure. I can't fix that."
Leonard sighed. "I'd say I need a shrink but having grown up with one I think that was part of the problem." He looked to her. "Sheldon said that he and I are not friends but if I smartened up we'd be friends again. Could you give me another chance?"
"I can't trust you to go out with you." Penny stepped to him. "I need time to think things out for myself. Where I want to go and what I want to do. You need to do the same. Not 'I want Penny', but 'What do I, Leonard Hofstadter, want from life?" She brushed his shoulder. "Give yourself a chance first." She went to pull off her engagement ring. "I'll give this back to you—"
"Keep it."
"But it's expensive."
Leonard blushed. "Actually it's a repurposed diamond drill bit."
Penny looked at him and then the ring before bursting out laughing.
xTBBTx
Raj, Howard and Sheldon came around the corner with their lunch trays in hand to find Leonard at the table nursing a flavoured water.
"On a diet?" said Howard as they sat.
"Dude, starving yourself is no way to promote weight loss," tsked Raj. "If you want to keep the tummy trim it's calorie restriction plus exercise."
"I just don't feel hungry," Leonard replied.
"Are you sick?" Sheldon said as he leaned back to get out of Leonard's air space.
"Kinda." Leonard sighed. "Penny and I have split up."
"You mean she dumped you?" gasped Raj.
"No. It was mutual."
"She did dump you! What did you do?"
"What makes you think I did something?" Leonard scowled.
"Because you'd rather give your right arm than give up Penny?" Howard suggested.
"This is all your fault," Leonard snapped at Sheldon.
"What did I do?" Sheldon replied with a frown.
"If you hadn't broken up with Amy then Penny and I would still be together because she wouldn't see how happy you are now and—" Leonard stopped short, a flush appearing on his face. "No, that's not your fault. I'm just being an angry, lonely douche."
"Aptly acknowledged," Sheldon nodded and opened his bottle of water.
"Guess Amy was right," Leonard sighed. Sheldon froze.
"What do you mean?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could.
"She stopped by my lab yesterday to talk. She said Penny wasn't happy."
"I see." Sheldon looked to Howard before returning to Leonard. "I'm sorry things didn't work between you and Penny, Leonard, but perhaps this is for the best."
"I don't need to hear that right now, Sheldon," said Leonard. He gave a dejected smile. "But I will at some point."