~What Am I Feeling?~

~Chapter 47- Buried In Regret~

Months went by like this. The boys' relationship continued just as it had been before that dreadful Summer, except for the important fact that everyone else knew about them now, other than Draco who still thought they had broken up.

It was better definitely. They didn't have to hide in their room and they could be honest with their family and friends. Albus loved being able to show Scorpius off because he thought Scorpius was the most beautiful being in the world and was proud to be with him. He also loved being able to talk to his parents and siblings about Scorpius and get advice from them.

What Scorpius loved most about the past few months was being able to show physical affection in public. He loved being able to have a quick kiss without having to watch their back at every moment. He liked being honest with everyone. And secretly… he also liked showing Albus off.

All their school mates had been very nice about their relationship. There had been no nasty comments at all about them. A few hostile glances from some boys in their year and the year below, but they probably hadn't acted on it because they were together and stronger together. Everyone else was supportive. They even had a few fan girls it would seem. If they were holding hands or sharing a kiss, some girls would always watch them and squeal. It hadn't stopped, but had gradually been lessening over the past month or so, much to Scorpius' relief as he was absolutely embarrassed by it.

Not only had their relationship improved, but their lives had just started to progress as well. It was their last year in Hogwarts and they were obviously starting to plan their futures. Teddy was starting to build up his and Scorpius' shop, as he had been doing for the past year or so. Collecting and trading wands and doing the paperwork behind them, working on the décor of the shop was his current project which George was happy to help him with; Weasley Wizard Wheezes did have one of the most legendary designs in the history of shops on Diagon Alley. He had even began in the delicate art of making wands, a few of which had gone wrong but he seemed to be getting the hang of it and his wands were turning out stronger and better each time.

Scorpius' studies were going more than well and he had started investigating courses abroad for wandlore. Albus, who was satisfied with his decision to be a Healer, it would provide for him and that was what was important, had also started looking for courses and they were lucky enough to find a few in the same locations. They had began talking about renting a flat together while they studied, but they would see how that went.

Currently, Scorpius was sitting in his room, quill and paper at the ready. He had been writing to his father since he returned to school, mostly about his studies and reassuring him that he and Albus were still separated. However, he had grown sick of it.

The Potters offer was still dwelling in his mind. The more and more he thought about it, the more and more appealing it became. And with every letter his father sent him, the more and more he came to resent him. By now, he decided that although he loved his mother and father and did want to be part of their family, he deserved more. He deserved happiness and acceptance. He and Albus should no longer have to live in the shadows outside Hogwarts. He knew how satisfying walking down the corridors of Hogwarts with Albus was, but what about the streets of Hogsmeade or even London? Their relationship wasn't just a silly schoolboy relationship, it was more and it was real.

If he told his father that he and Albus were back together, he would get disowned, as his father constantly reminded him in his letters. But Scorpius couldn't care any less anymore. Why should he care about a father who so obviously didn't care about him and his feelings?

If he accepted the Potters offer, he would become part of a family that did care for him, whether he was gay or straight, no matter who he dated and even despite not being blood related. He might finally be happy… and finally be able to take that final step in being with Albus properly and being who he was.

So he wrote a letter to his father, quickly and messily before he regretted it. It expressed how Scorpius was with Albus again; never mind Draco's attempts to break them apart, they had continued to see each other. It said how fed up Scorpius was and poured out all of Scorpius' rage and frustration with his father. He even spitefully mentioned how the Potters were accepting him as part of their family, even through all of his flaws.

And the last past was something that Scorpius knew he should regret writing and probably would one day, but in that moment, he couldn't seem to find the will to feel remorse.

If you disown me, fine. It will probably be better that way. For both of us. Because at least then, I will be with people who actually love me and who I love too.

Even when the letter was stuffed into an envelope and sent off via owl, Scorpius still didn't regret it. He sat on his bed, his lower lip pouted out. It was done now. Soon, he would no longer be a Malfoy. He would be just Scorpius. Scorpius who was in Ravenclaw and wanted to study wandlore and was unconditionally in love with Albus Severus Potter, the greatest and most precious person in the world to him.

He tried to forget about any possible regrets for now. It was the evening of December 2nd, Al's birthday and he wanted to make it special for him. At the moment Albus was downstairs, enjoying a little birthday party that his family had put together for him. Albus always had his proper birthday party during the Christmas holidays.

He had already got presents for Albus, but he also thought Albus would be happy with his decision to come back to the Potters for Christmas. Apart from the fact it meant he and Albus would actually get to spend their first proper Christmas together, Albus had been hinting at it for ages. He thought it was better for Scorpius and the safest option for him too. He didn't want Scorpius sent to another school or locked up in Malfoy Manor again. Albus would be happy.

Speaking of the devil, Albus popped his head around the door, instantly grinning at his boyfriend sitting cross legged on their bed. Although the room did have two beds because the school thought they slept separately, though they probably didn't anymore, one bed had simply been unused for the past year and a half. It was the ghosts bed, they often joked.

"Well here's the birthday boy." Scorpius said sweetly, rocking his body back and forth.

"And isn't the birthday boy looking good today, if he does say so himself." Albus teased sarcastically, showing off his new, hideous knitted jumper, sent to him by his grandma.

"Arrogant idiot." Scorpius giggled.

Albus pouted and started walking over to the bed, "You can't talk to the birthday boy like that."

"Did you enjoy your birthday party?"

"I did as always… just a shame my boyfriend thought he had to study when really, he didn't…"

"I'm sorry Al… I just needed to be alone for a while… to think."

"Is everything okay?"

Scorpius nodded and pressed a gentle kiss to his boyfriend's lips, "I need to talk to you…"

Albus' eyes narrowed as he realised it was a serious matter. He plopped himself down onto the bed and enfolded his arms tightly around Scorpius, "What's the matter?"

"Well…" Scorpius nervously shifted, "I sent a letter to my dad… basically saying that we are still together, we never broke up and that I'm going to stay with you over the holidays… I mean, if that's still okay with you and your parents…"

Albus was stilled with shock but there was an overwhelming happiness bubbling within him, "Well of course that's still okay! B-but how are you feeling…?"

"Okay for now I guess…" Scorpius shrugged, "But it will probably hit me soon… I just couldn't stand it anymore, you know? I mean… I didn't want to find from anyone anymore but more importantly… I just wanted to be accepted and loved…"

"Scor," Albus turned Scorpius' chin towards him with his palm, "I know this is hard for you but I want you to know that I will support you through everything and love you forever."

Scorpius gave a small smile, "Thanks…"

They shared a quick kiss and Scorpius felt more easy. He just needed to relax and enjoy the rest of Albus' birthday and make sure Albus did too.

"Now for your presents…" Scorpius said with a quirk of the lips.

Albus held Scorpius' hand, trying to drag him back onto the bed, "Scor… you didn't have to get me anything…"

"Oh shut up, Al, of course I did."

"I like this feisty side to you." Albus flirted, admiring Scorpius' backside as he bent down.

Scorpius smirked and hopped back onto the bed with two packages in his hands, "I'll be sure to remember that later…" Scorpius happily handed Albus the first, larger package, to Albus, "Your first present."

Albus took it gratefully, "Why thank you," Albus wasted no time in ripping the wrapping paper off the present, which was obviously a book. When the present was revealed, it instantly sent Albus into a fit of laughter, "'Healing For Dummies'? Really Scorpius?"

Scorpius grinned and nibbled his lower lip, "I thought it might be useful."

Albus brought his lower lip forward, "Fair enough. It probably will. Thank you." Albus dove in for a kiss but Scorpius stopped him with a finger to his lips.

"Sh, save it till the end," Scorpius offered the next one, "Here you go."

"Scorpius, you shouldn't have gotten me anything else…" Albus rolled his eyes but accepted the present.

"Shut it, yes I did!"

Albus did love Scorpius being snappy with him, it sent a fire through his core. He opened the next gift and smiled at the contents. It was a picture frame with one of the few pictures of them, one that had been snapped by Lily about a month ago. They were in front of the fire, their backs to the camera but in a way that they leant the heads towards each other the soft glow radiated on their cheeks. It was when they were in the Gryffindor common room, on the floor, curled up together. They whispered into each other's ears, until the scene moved onto Albus catching Scorpius' hand and planting a soft kiss on his palm. The scene ended with Scorpius' blushing, only the way Albus could make him blush, "Wow Scor… I love it."

"You do? I just thought we could put it up on our side table because… we can have stuff like that out now, because people can see it and it doesn't matter." Scorpius said innocently, not knowing how much it captured Albus' heart.

Albus reached over and placed the picture by their bed, the scene starting over again, "Perfect."

Scorpius let that blush overcome his cheeks as Albus kissed his passionately. Heat started to prickle their stomachs and they knew what they wanted. But it was Scorpius who was to stop Albus, "Wait… there's one more present."

"What…? Scor! Not another present!" Albus groaned, shaking his head.

"You'll love it though…" Scorpius insisted with a beam.

"Fine… where is it?"

Scorpius nodded to the corner of the room, next to their chest of drawers. Albus followed Scorpius' view and his eyes widened in surprise and happiness as he saw what was lying in the corner.

A guitar sat there, shining in the light with it's perfect strings, waiting for Albus to play it. Albus' eyes absolutely glittered in excitement. How did he not notice the guitar when he came into the room? Never mind that, how could Scorpius get him such an amazing gift? It was absolutely perfect.

Albus rushed over to the guitar, picking it up carefully and holding it as if it were the most precious thing he had ever seen, "W-woah Scor… How did you get the money to afford this?"

"I saved up." Scorpius said casually, filled with happiness by Albus' reaction.

"Scor, it's absolutely perfect… W-wow! I love it so much!" Still gripping the guitar, Albus ran over to Scorpius and hugged his lover tightly, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"You're very welcome… now you can teach yourself to play and write more… charming songs."

"Yeah definitely… later though…" Albus placed the guitar on the floor gently and with predatory eyes, stalked back onto the bed, watching Scorpius intensely, "There's only one more thing I want for my birthday…"

The heat pooled in Scorpius' abdomen with those words as Albus hovered over him, purposely avoiding skin contact for the time being. Scorpius remembered the time Albus made him come without even touching him. Yeah, it was possible for Albus Potter, "What is it that you want?"

"Well, I have this amazingly stunning boyfriend and he looks absolutely ravishing tonight and I was hoping to do some very naughty things to him, and vice versa… just as a birthday treat."

Scorpius grabbed Albus' collar and grinned cockily, "He'd be more than happy too."

For now, Scorpius forgot about any possible regrets he may have in the near future.

~X~

Two days later and Scorpius' anxiety had been building up horribly. Although Albus was always there to comfort him, he was incredibly worried about his father's reaction to his letter. He tried to put on a strong façade, saying he didn't care what his father said and did now, but Albus knew better. If Draco did disown Scorpius, it would kill him. He would be absolutely devastated… even though Scorpius had convinced himself and others that becoming part of the Potters would be better for him, Albus could see that wasn't true.

So when Scorpius received the letter from his father finally, he stood up from where he was sitting in the great hall and sprinted out. Albus, momentarily shocked, said goodbye to some of the Ravenclaws they were sitting with and followed his boyfriend out of the hall, calling his name repeatedly.

Scorpius didn't stop and didn't look back, regardless of Albus' voice calling him. He ran up the stairs of the Ravenclaw tower until he finally arrived in the dorms and in his room.

Albus followed behind him, watching his boyfriend stand in the middle of the room, staring at something he couldn't get glimpse of.

Scorpius glanced over his shoulder, looking nervously at Albus, "It's from my father."

"Oh." Albus managed to mumble, walking over to Scorpius and draping a comforting arm over his shoulder.

"I don't know if I want to read it." Scorpius' breath was quick and Albus' could hear his heart thumping out his chest. Albus felt awful for Scorpius… he didn't deserve to go through this.

"It's better you just get it over and done with…" Albus nodded against Scorpius' head, running his thumb over Scorpius' arm.

"I need to sit down…"

They sat on the bed, Albus still trying his best to comfort Scorpius. Shakily, he opened the letter and read over it before he could regret it.

I hope you are happy with your decision because it means you will no longer be part of this family. Well of course you are, this is what you want after all and like you said, you should be with someone you love.

You were wrong about one thing though. We've never loved you any less.

Yours faithfully,

Draco Malfoy

That was when the regret finally bubbled within Scorpius to the maximum and exploded. The things he had written in that letter were so disgusting and unlike him and he didn't mean most of them. Yes, his father had done terrible things to him but even he didn't deserve such dreadful things written to him… He did love his parents and that letter suggested he didn't. he couldn't imagine how much that must have hurt his family.

Tears spilled from Scorpius' eyes and he dropped the letter. Scorpius, buried in his regrets, melted into Albus' soothing arms.

Albus read over the letter and sighed. Secretly, he was happy that Scorpius was free of that part of his life but on the other hand, it must be a shattering for Scorpius and he would never want that for someone he loved. For the time being, all he could do was hug Scorpius and hope that he and his family would be enough for him.

~X~

A/N: Sad chapter for Scorpius... though I did love writing this chapter... it was about a week ago I finished it and I just found it so easy and interesting to write.

Thank you to Full-Empty-Spirit, Satary, , esinger, ThugQueenBreezy, , Blue you and Guest (Anonymous) for reviewing the last chapter!

Next chapter:: Scorpius returns home with the Potters for Christmas.