~What Am I Feeling?~
~Chapter 50- Snapshot Louis and Martino~
Louis Weasley sat in Potions class, completely unaware of what was going around him. He was concentrating solely on the blank parchment in front of him and what he was supposed to write on it.
He couldn't think. How was he supposed to tell his parents he was gay? What could he say without being too graphic, but at the same time too brief? He groaned, resting his forehead on the table.
Hey mum and dad, just wanted to tell you, I'm gay.
No way he could say that. He just couldn't tell them like that. It was far too hard.
Deep down, Louis had always known he was gay. He had grown up in a very female oriented household with two sisters, the eldest who would almost force him to take part in dressing up and having tea parties though really he didn't mind that much. He was also part Veela and having in built in to your system where you naturally attract guys probably didn't help. He was well aware that men desired him from a young age. He was so beautiful that he had straight men doubting their sexuality and wondering what it was about the blonde boy that lit a fire of desire deep inside them.
He was a Veela.
And he was a proud Veela.
He always took pride in his heritage and loved to flaunt it. There were not many Veela boys in the world today. Veelas were originally always girls as there purpose was to draw in male prey. But more recently, as Veela heritage was mixed it seemed it was possible for Veela men to be born too. And they officially became some of the best looking men on the earth. Louis was positively stunning and he knew it.
His mother would always buy him lovely clothes of the latest fashion and at the age of eight, he was already styling his hair and taking care of his skin, though at that point it wasn't to gain male attention.
But as he grew older, his hunger for attention grew and grew into something where he ached to be looked at, to be flirted with.
By the time he got to Hogwarts, he knew he was not like other boys because he didn't see anything remotely attractive about a girl, other than friendship. But it wasn't until about a year ago, that he put a label on it.
He was gay. And he came out to the school, flirting with boys who were straight, with the exception of liking Louis, and the few gay boys in the school. He didn't deny being gay and soon rumours flooded around and Louis was officially out and proud.
It was his first 'relationship', if you could even call it that, which made him decide to tell his parents. Simply because he was worried they would hear soon without him telling them first but also because he feared that if something like that happened again, he would need his mum and dad.
His name was Sam and he was a seventh year Slytherin. He was also literally as gorgeous as a person could get without being a Veela. They had always been on friendly terms but there was something mysteriously hot about the elder brunette that meant Louis said yes when Sam asked him out.
Their first date wasn't really even a proper date honestly. They had sat in the Room of Requirement, kissing the whole time. It was Louis' first kiss and he had loved it very much. But coming out of the date, he really didn't feel like he knew anything about Sam. Well, how could he when their mouths had been occupied the whole time? So he made a few more attempts to find out about his 'boyfriend' but they always just ended up snogging.
When he was asked to meet Sam down by the lake, he had been hesitant but went. Sam had greeted him with a fierce kiss, a kiss which actually scared him. And it didn't stop. He kept kissing him, kept reaching out and touching him. Sam just wouldn't stop no matter how much Louis protested and pushed away. No matter how much he screamed and thrashed.
Louis couldn't remember a lot of it. He just remembered feeling so young and vulnerable… he was fifteen and terrified of what was happening to him.
He had just been lucky that his cousin, James Potter, had happened to be walking with his current girlfriend around the lake. With one croaky yell of his cousin's name it was all over. And he was in the hospital wing, not to mention that Sam was seriously beat up.
Not that he cared.
The experience had traumatized Louis. He hadn't had a boyfriend since the incident and after having help, had been told he had trust issues.
It was only now that he was telling his parents about it all. He hadn't suffered any bad physical injury and there was a rule of student-teacher confidentiality, if the student wished it and especially on an issue such as sexual orientation because it was up to the student to tell his or her parent; when they were ready. So his parents were told nothing.
Not to mention, Sam was expelled for attempted rape.
His older sister, Dominique, had really been the biggest help during this time. She was about the only one who knew about what happened, other than James, and kept it quiet. She was his shoulder to cry on, his spur of comfort.
However now, she had left Hogwarts. And when he boarded the train to go back without her, she left him with that parting word of: 'You need to tell mum and dad'.
So here he was, in his fifth year, about a month after and had only decided to write the letter now.
Tapping his quill against the table repeatedly, he found himself distracted momentarily when he started beating the tune an old Weird Sisters song.
He nodded his head to the tune and also started humming, when a hand slapped down on his wrist, making him drop the quill.
His head shot up, only to be met with the sight of a cold glare from Mr Martino Zabini, his Potions partner. Zabini was an intolerable git, who loved to make smarmy remarks about Louis' 'glamour' or 'femininity'. They were paired together for a whole year which in some ways was good as Zabini happened to be very good at Potions and could get Louis through easily with at least an Exceeds Expectations, if Louis put minimum effort in as well. But the only problem was that most the time, Louis wanted to punch the boy in the face.
"If you're not going to concentrate, that's your own problem. But you can at least have the courtesy to not disrupt my studies too." Zabini spat, his glare working back to the front of the classroom.
"Gosh!" Louis threw his face on the table, "It was only tapping. And it was a good song! I love that song!"
"I didn't say it wasn't good song."
"So you like the Weird Sisters?"
Zabini shrugged, shifting at the sudden change in mood, "I guess. Sometimes."
"I like some of their stuff, not all of it though!"
"Just be quiet."
"Why are you so moody all the time?" Louis hissed then pouted, "I was only trying to make polite conversation."
Zabini snorted, "No, you're trying to distract me."
"Not everything's about you!"
"You mean everything's about you then?" Zabini said sarcastically but with a strangely charming smirk.
Louis blushed under Zabini's gaze. He didn't know why, but it might have something to do with the fact that the dark boy was of a satisfactory appearance, if not, more than satisfactory, and had a certain bad boy attitude that Louis seemed to like. But of course he didn't think about Zabini in that way. He was far too much of an arse for Louis, and even his devilish handsome eyes couldn't turn him… could they?
"You're an arse, Zabini." Louis grumbled, setting his head on the table.
"An arse who can't stop looking at your arse," Zabini whispered, "An arse that you can't seem to keep your eyes off either."
Louis' eyes widened, but he snapped his gaze away from Zabini's face, "Are you flirting with me, Zabini?"
"So what if I am?"
"Why?"
"Because you're gorgeous and even though most of the time I find you insufferable, there's something strangely alluring about you," Zabini was smiling quite genuinely but then it turned to something slightly more sly, "And I'm going to woo you."
The bell suddenly rang, signalling the end class. Professor Slughorn dismissed the class but Louis remained still in his seat, frozen with shock and also embarrassment.
Zabini was preparing to leave, a wicked grin still painted his face, when Louis launched forward and grabbed Zabini's wrist.
"Wait!" Louis yelled rather too loudly, "What the hell do you mean you're going to woo me? Are you some kind of madman? You're not going to woo me?"
Louis hand was suddenly drawn by Zabini's and held up in front of the Slytherin's face. Quite a soft smile covered Zabini's face, as opposed to the cheeky or evil one beforehand.
"We'll see about that." Zabini said confidently, pressing a warm kiss to the back of Louis' hand before swivelling around and strolling out of the classroom, leaving Louis there dumbfounded.
~X~
Louis' first thought was that it was all some kind of cruel practical joke, devised by the Slytherins to make him look a fool. Martino Zabini would never like him in that way. He thought Louis was an idiot, he had expressed that quite clearly. Why would he like him? Why would he like him in any way, let alone with the intention of making him his boyfriend.
It bugged him for the rest of the day and that night too. Okay, he will admit that he had taken the liberty of admiring Zabini's lean form before, which was only getting more attractive the more he thought of it, but that didn't mean he wanted Zabini himself.
Plus, he was almost scared of getting any closer to Zabini. Sam had been so similar with the way he treated and flirted with Louis… what if the same thing happened again? He couldn't trust Zabini. No, not ever.
So there he sat at the beginning of Potions, anxiously tapping his foot as he awaited Zabini's arrival. He huffed; he didn't know why he was so worried. He would just brush Zabini off and it would be done with it all… right?
Zabini walked into the class, hardly acknowledging Louis and just sat down next to the blonde. He got out his books and equipment, Louis watching him carefully with angry eyes.
Just as the class was starting, Louis finally broke the silence, "And you have nothing to say to me about yesterday?"
Zabini pouted his lower lip out and shook his head, "I told you exactly how I feel yesterday. I don't see the need to repeat myself."
"You are infuriating," Louis said through his teeth, "Just stop with all these stupid games! I don't know what you're trying to achieve but I'm sure as hell not going to let you play me like this!"
"You think I was kidding you," Zabini still didn't look at Louis but his hand sled over the other boy's. Louis tried to snatch it back, but Zabini's grip was too tight, "Well I'm not. I want you to be mine and I'm determined for that to happen."
"You're mad!" Louis laughed, trying to pull his hand away, "Absolutely bonkers!"
"Come on a date with me," Zabini demanded, however in a sort of soft and captivating way, "I'll show you I'm not kidding."
Louis paused for a moment before questioning, "Why should I go on a date with you?"
"So you're considering it?"
"Just answer the question Zabini!"
"Martino."
"What?"
"My name is Martino and I would like it if you would call me that."
"M-Martino…" Louis corrected himself, "Can you please answer my question?"
Zabini loosened his clasp on Louis' hand but delicately stroked the younger's skin with a thumb, "Because I like you and want to be with you. Because even though you're a boy and a Gryffindor and we're nothing alike I've never felt like this for anyone before."
Louis gaped with a certain longing, "Y-you don't even know me though…"
"I want to get to know you. And from what I know, I really like."
"No," Louis said firmly but brokenly, "This is just some big practical joke and you can't string me along like this! It's not fair! You can't play with my feelings like this…"
Zabini smiled, a genuine smile that made Louis' heart flutter, "What feelings?"
"I-I don't even know!" The Gryffindor gasped, "Yesterday you were just Zabini, my Potions partner and a bit of an arse… but now I want to… I want to go on a date with you… it's just madness…"
"Then come. Come and get to know me better."
"I swear Z-Martino… if this is all some joke I will have you strung up faster than you could ever imagine!"
Zabini turned back to the front of class, "I don't doubt you will. I promise you, you won't regret it."
~X~
Louis was anxious to say the least. He was standing in the courtyard, awaiting Zabini's arrival so they could get going to Hogsmeade. He didn't know what this date would ensure but he sure was scared about it. He didn't trust Zabini whatsoever, but there was something that was drawing him into the Slytherin.
But the problem was it felt far too similar to Sam. And that only added to his nerves. What if something similar happened? At the same time though, Louis couldn't resist going on this date. Just to be sure though, he told James about it and James said that he would stay in Hogsmeade in case Louis needed him.
Somehow, it still didn't quite reassure him.
A warm, gentle hand rested on his shoulder, making Louis jump. His head shot around and he saw Zabini standing there with a smirk on his face.
"Hello Louis." Louis was not prepared when Zabini leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.
Louis blushed immediately and pulled away, lowering his head, "H-hi."
"You're nervous." Zabini stated with a concerned look.
"W-well yeah…" Louis stared at the ground.
"If you don't want to go on this date… please just say before you hurt me too." Martino said with obvious upset to his voice.
"N-no it's not that!" Louis exclaimed, "I just… I am always nervous before dates…"
"Well I hope you feel a bit more relaxed soon."
On the carriage on the way to Hogsmeade, the boys made awkward small talk. Louis didn't know what else to say really. He didn't know anything about Zabini and was worried he would say something silly or stupid. He kept stopping and thinking about what he was saying before he did, though it only meant he ended up sounding even more ridiculous.
When they got out of the carriage, Zabini helped Louis down by the hand, succeeding in making Louis blush.
They went to sit in the Three Broomsticks, placed conveniently in a more secluded corner of the pub.
The conversation started off timidly again when Zabini suddenly asked, "Do you like Quidditch?"
Louis panicked a bit on the spot, knowing he couldn't hold a conversation about the subject, "N-not really."
Zabini smiled, "Me neither."
Louis' eyes enlarged and mouth gaped, "Really? I thought you would like that sort of rough and tumble sort of stuff…"
Zabini shrugged, "It's not so much the game… I don't mind watching it from time to time; I would avoid playing it, though it gets boring after a while. It's the Quidditch players I don't like…"
"Oh? Why not?"
"They earn far too much for what they do. There are Healers and Aurors out there who save people's lives, do truly important things and don't earn nearly as much as Quidditch players. It's absolutely ridiculous."
Louis leaned over the table, with a playful grin, "I wouldn't have guessed you would be so moralistic."
Zabini smirked and shook his head, "Just because I'm a Slytherin, doesn't mean I don't have standards."
"Hm, depends whether those standards are good or bad."
"You are a hopeless flirt, Louis Weasley."
"But you love it."
Their playful conversation continued and they fell into a comfortable atmosphere. Louis didn't want to think too much about where this was going, but at the moment all he knew was he was getting on spectacularly with Zabini and didn't want to leave.
"Martino, I honestly haven't had such a good time in a while now." Louis laughed, moving his hand to slip his fingers between Martino's.
Martino twitched his lips and tightened his fingers around Louis', "I've noticed you've been down lately. I guess that might be one of the reasons I realised I like you… I didn't like to see you like that."
Louis blushed and hid behind his locks, "Y-yeah…"
"Why?"
"Why what…?"
"Why are you down…?"
Louis pulled his hand away, twiddling his thumbs on his lap instead, "I-I just… I can't tell you."
Martino nodded, "I understand. You can tell me when you're ready."
Staring into Martino's eyes, Louis wanted nothing more than for Martino to kiss him. He wanted Martino to kiss him senseless. He was so drawn to the Slytherin at that point and he was always one of those people that lived in the moment anyway.
So when Martino cupped his face in a soft hold, Louis' heart fluttered uncontrollably. A thumb brushed over his pink lips, swiping over the slit.
Louis' eyes flickered shut and the thumb moved back to his cheek. A warm breath tickled his lips and he gasped. But when Martino's lips finally descended on his it felt nothing he ever felt before. It was so much better than it had been with Sam, even a simple kiss. Nothing more than a brush of the lips.
It was short and sweet however left a lingering on their lips and each boy breathless. Their eyes opened after a moment and met. They gazed at each other for a second, before smiling and connecting their lips again.
~X~
However after about three weeks of dating, Louis still hadn't told Martino about what bothered him so much.
They had been having a brilliant time, spending every moment possible with each other. They hadn't exchanged anything more than a few innocent kisses as Louis had been very careful. He was worried they would get carried away and something would happen like with Sam… He was proud of being a Veela of course, but he knew it made others… desire him. And he didn't want anything to happen like it happened with Sam, especially with Martino. Because he liked Martino much more than Sam. With Sam it was all based on looks and first impressions. He had actually got to know Martino and he really did like him.
Martino had invited Louis to have a walk by the lake. Louis had been hesitant; he had avoided the lake since what happened with Sam out of fear that it would provoke bad memories. But he didn't want to let Martino down so agreed anyway.
"I don't understand what's wrong with a boy taking care of himself," Louis said extravagantly, gripping onto Martino's hand, "Albus always teases me about it but I don't think there's anything wrong with it!"
"There isn't…" Martino mumbled, "Except when you take longer in the bathroom than a girl."
"Dominique doesn't spend that long! That's why it seems like I take longer!" Louis insisted.
"Okay, Louis," Martino took Louis' face in his hands but held one long finger over his lips, "Just be quiet now."
Martino pressed his lips to Louis' passionately and full of love. Louis squeaked quietly before enfolding his arms around Martino's neck and moving closer to his boyfriend.
Their lips moved together in sync and a well-mastered dance. Louis smiled into his boyfriend's mouth, running his hands through Martino's short hair.
When Martino used his tongue to pry Louis' lips open, he was uncertain. Martino thought it was just because they hadn't done this before and it was entering into new territory but it was more than that. They were stepping into new seas and it scared Louis. It wasn't that it was too quick or anything, but even a kiss nerved Louis. So when it was in danger of becoming more… lustful, it only frightened him even more.
Louis kissed Martino back with equal passion, swirling their tongues together as they met in a playful dance.
As they snogged, Martino's hand started to wander down Louis' back. The blonde boy was far too aware of it and slowed down the kissing. But when Martino's hand rested on the small of his back, just above his arse, he tensed, panicked and pushed away.
Louis breathed heavily, shaking in his skin. He couldn't let anything like that happen to him again! Everything was the same… the place, the touching! Where this was leading to… it was all too familiar and far too dangerous and scary for Louis. Too painful, too traumatizing! He deserved to be treated better than this! Just because he was a Veela, didn't mean he could be taken advantage of like this! It wasn't fair!
Martino stepped forward in complete confusion and grabbed Louis' wrist, "What's the matter? What happened?"
Louis ripped his wrist away as tears started to pour over his eyes, "No! No! Please don't touch me!" Louis started to back away from Martino with stumbling steps, "Please no!"
"Louis, Lou!" Martino said, flustered and confused, "I won't touch you if you don't want me to! J-just tell me what's happening!"
Louis buried his face in his hands, sobbing and shaking his head, "Not again… not again…"
"Louis… Louis, please talk to me…"
"Y-you just can't take advantage of me like that! Just because I'm a Veela and like the attention sometimes and I'm pretty and I flirt a lot but it doesn't mean you can do that to me! Not again! Not again!" Louis screamed, tears streaming down his pale face.
More calmly, Martino stepped forward, draping his arms around Louis' shoulders, ignoring the younger boy as he thrashed about, "Louis… it's me, Martino… your Martino… the guy who yeah, you think is an absolute prick but actually really likes you," Louis visibly calmed down, sinking into Martino's arms and his cries quietened, "I would never do that to you… ever. Please trust me. I know we haven't been going out that long or anything but I like you, Louis. And I don't like seeing you like this. I have no idea why you're like this or what brought this on, but just talk to me, please. And trust me. Trust me."
Louis' blubbers became louder but not so much as a bad thing. He threw his arms around Martino's neck and hugged the other boy tightly, wetting the Slytherin's shirt with tears. Martino held the vulnerable boy in his arms protectively, shushing his cries. Martino was still clueless as to what was going on with Louis, but he felt his heart break a little while watching his boyfriend like this.
After that, they sat down by the lake, at least a foot between them as Louis told him openly about what had happened between he and Sam. He didn't hesitate to tell Martino every little detail. And it was a step. A step in Louis being able to talk to someone new about what had happened and more importantly, a step in learning how to trust people again.
"So, apparently I have major trust issues now…" Louis whispered, fiddling with the grass beneath his fingers, "I-I don't really let other boys near me anymore and I get scared really easily by any… touching. But only because I can't trust them. I'm not scared about kissing and touching it's just when…" Louis sighed loudly, "I don't even know anymore…"
"Louis…" Martino loosely laced their fingers together, "Thank you so much for telling me this. What you've been through is… pretty awful. And if I ever see that guy, I will hex him into oblivion."
Louis finally chuckled through a croaky throat, "That's the Zabini I know. You've been very soppy of late…"
"I do have my soppy side, only with you though," Martino smirked, "Louis, I want you to be able to trust me. I know it will take time and patience, but I'm willing to give it a go. But I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. I would do anything for you."
"Th-thank you for listening to me…" Louis gave a small smile, "And thank you for making me feel better. Just so you know, even though you are a prat sometimes, I haven't ever felt this way about anyone before either. And I know that I will be able to trust you completely one day… because it's certainly leading to that…"
Martino pulled Louis' hand up and placed a sweet kiss on his knuckle, "I'm glad."
"And I'm sorry I freaked out on you…"
"No, it's fine. It's better it happened now, rather than later. Now we can move on…"
Louis slowly leaned forward, with a smile on his face to kiss Martino. It was short lived, but the almost promise they had made just meant the butterflies in their stomachs fluttered more than ever.
"I really like you, Martino…" Louis grinned.
"I like you too, Lou…"
They knew at that point, even though they had started off on a rocky ride and it hadn't exactly had a perfect time, from then on it would be amazing and it could only get better from there.
~X~
A/N: As promised, Louis and Martino getting together! Some of you might have already read this but for anyone who hasn't, I hope you enjoyed it! Sorry if you were expecting the next part of the story, it will come soon!
Thank you for reviewing the last chapter Satary, drumline, esinger, Awesomazing11, AFLlover, , ruby-may x (Anonymous) and gaia-x-goddess!
Next chapter:: The story continues!