Ch.5

Tobias's POV

I have a rage that is fueled by the idiocy of this place. The place trying to save Tris. Her heart was failing, but they got it back under control. The Dr. has left me to be by myself to relax and she said she'd explain things when I had a more even head. I hope she realizes that if Tris dies I might never have an even head again.

When I asked a nurse what had happened when the monitor kept rapidly beating, she said, "She's defiantly a fighter, she is. The body made a decision right then and there. It was going to leave us, but then at the last minute decided this world was worth holding onto for some reason. You should be proud."

Proud of what, though? Proud that she's not dead. How can I myself be proud of such a thing?

In my head if she wakes up I know the first thing that I will tell her. That I was wrong, because I was in so many ways. Then she'd smile and say some quirky joke and we'd get out of this place and move on like nothing ever happened. But then there is still the scar she'll hold from the bullet. There will be that boy in a coma. There will be a society of chaos back home. And there will be the memories. Why does memory serum come to mind. Not that I'd ever use it, but I understand why Peter did.

Maybe we'd find another place away from the idea of divergence and our unforgiving past. Maybe finally we could find a sense of safety. We could find hope.

Christina has visited me a couple times, but I'm not really civilized enough yet to bond with friends. I think she could sense that and left almost as quickly as she came.

I see her walking up the halls now. This time she's carrying a tray of food, and a determined smile. "You need to eat something." she says.

"Not hungry." I respond.

"That's because your emotions are replacing your feeling of hunger. One of your fears may not be starvation, but that doesn't mean that it still can't hurt you." and she forces a smile.

So, I take a slice of bread and take a huge bite out of it, and while I eat it I can't help but think, Amity. Now that the food is in my stomach i do realize how hungry I really am.

Christina eats some too. Her eyes are puffy from tears and her body looks limp in a way maybe from lack of sleep. Sometimes I try to remember all of them when I first met them. Tris was the first jumper, and Christina was the first to talk smart to me, with her still lingering Candor ways. They were all so innocent then. Dauntless training wasn't just about making them pass initiation. It was about making them stronger physically and mentally.

When they all came to me, they all had a sense of bravery in their veins. But, after truly becoming Dauntless, they weren't just brave, they were strong.

"You don't need to hold everything over on yourself, you know." She interjects between mouthfuls of food. "You've done so much for all of us, and I don't think you've realized it." I look at her to see if she's kidding or not. "Then again," she continues, "maybe we just never said thank you."

"I've brought so many people so many hardships."

"Yeah, maybe, but you have also saved so many people, Four."

"Clearly not enough."

She tenses at these words. I feel selfish saying this to her, because I know she's lost Will, and I know what he meant to her. But, Tris and I have been through too much for us to go on without each other. If she dies, I die too.

She grabs my hand which surprises me. "Don't lose hope, when there is so much to be gained."

"Where is this hope?" I ask her. "Because we thought it was beyond the fence and look where we are now."

She thinks on this for a minute. "Well," and she pauses. "I would like to think that hope always lies in the future. And since there is so much ahead of us, I think out there somewhere, there is hope waiting."

"You really do, do you?"

"Yes."

"I'd like to see that future. But, not if everyone we love isn't in it. Cause what I've come to learn is there is no future with no love. And Christina how can we possibly move on with the loss dragging at our backs?"

"The future is the way it is, so we can leave our pasts. Eventually, Four, even though it seems impossible, the pain we've encountered in our short lives will be nothing but a memory. The sting will be there when we remember them, but the sting will become less and less because we will find new reasons to live."

"What if I don't. What if I don't find a new reason to live?" I ask as she stands with the tray in hand.

"We will search and search until you do, because if there is anything that I've learned from the factions it's this; We all have the ability inside of us to be brave, smart, selfless, honest, and kind. No matter if we are divergent or not. And if we can be all of those things then there will always be a reason to live. If we are all of those things, then there nothings impossible and there is more beyond the fence and beyond this place. It's just a whole other journey waiting for us."

And with that she leaves and I'm still here, stuck with that in my head. Is it true that we are all capable of being divergent? Is divergence not just a term used by scientists to describe genetics, but a choice that can be taken?

A choice.