The Big Con

Chapter 13: A Bunch of Stuff that Happened

Following the events of Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy's expedition to exorcise the ghost, these things happened. Not at the same time, not in the same place, not even in this order, and not even in the same universes, but still . . . . they happened.

Gravity Falls, early morning, the day after the travelers returned:

The growing dawn had turned the morning mists silver when Wendy stopped her car in the parking lot of the Mystery Shack next to Grunkle Stan's classic '65 El Diablo convertible. They sat for a moment, and Mabel asked her brother, "So what did Grunkle Ford say on the phone?"

"Well, he was a little surprised, because I called so late. So early in the morning, I guess, really."

"I'll bet Grunkle Stan was grouchy!" Mabel said. "Grouch-grouch-grouch-grouch!"

"Uh, they both were a little upset. Soos had called to see if we were over there, and I think everybody's been waiting up for us. They'd been calling my cell phone, but we weren't in range. Grunkle Ford was about to call again when I got him on the line instead."

"Is he like mad at us?" Wendy asked.

"Not really! He's excited that we went to the other universe. He's never talked much about his own adventures in other dimensions, but I think this'll open him up!"

"Well," Mabel said, "we have to face them sooner or later. Let's do it."

The three kids climbed out of the car. "Looks like they're waitin' up for us, all right," Wendy said. The Mystery Shack blazed with light.

Soos, Melody, and Abuelita were all sleepy-eyed in bathrobes and were in the parlor, drinking coffee. They said their hellos, Melody made sure they were all in one piece and all right, Abuelita insisted they take a glass of orange juice each ("It have lots of Vitamin C"), and Soos told them, "The Pines dudes are waiting for you in the dining room, guys. Uh, I think they want to like have some words with you? We'll give you a little privacy, huh?"

"Thanks Soos," Dipper said. They high-fived.

Then Wendy, Mabel, and Dipper found the two Stans in the dining room, sitting at the table, mugs of coffee steaming in front of them. "Here ya are, ya ingrates," Stanley said. "Out all night long, scarin' the heck outa your friends, what were ya thinkin'? What's this cockamamie story ya told my brother?"

"It's true, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said. "A guy called us over because his house was haunted! We went after the ghost and wound up in this really weird dimension where we're all famous!"

Stanford, sitting at the end of the table, chuckled. "Famous? I hardly think that likely," he said. "The odds against another dimension knowing anything at all about this one are astronomical."

"It's true, though!" Wendy insisted. "It was crazy uncomfortable. Even the gravity felt different, heavier somehow. There was, like, no way for me to carry my axe without it digging into me. And the guysthere were even worse than the ones in high school for hittin' on me."

Dipper glowered. "But," he said loudly, "aside from all that, Grunkle Ford, we freed not just one ghost but dozens of them. I mean we gave them peace! We did what we had to do. And we even ran into the other dimension's version of Fiddleford!"

"He's enormous!" Mabel interjected.

"Well," Ford said with an indulgent smile, "whatever you did, it certainly sounds as if you had a great adventure. High five!"

Dipper started the slap, then froze with his hand in mid-air. "Wait—wait a minute. You have five fingers!"

Ford looked at his hand. "Well, yes. I've had them all my life, Dipper. What's wrong? Have you forgotten that Stanley has polydactyly, not I?"

"Whaaat?"

Stanley Pines waggled six fingers at his grand-nephew. "Yeah, I'm the weird one. Ya forget?"

Wendy gasped. "OMG, dudes! We're in the wrong dimension!"

Dipper and Mabel grabbed each other: "Ahhhhhhh!"

And Stanford Pines broke up laughing—but in Stanley Pines's voice. "Ah-hah! Gotcha! I told my nerdy brother we could swap clothes and give you knuckleheads a good scare for stayin' out all night and worryin' Soos an' Melody half to death!"

"How was my impression of Stanley?" asked Stanley—who, Dipper realized now that he'd dropped the pretense, was actually Stanford.

"Uh—good, man, really . . . really good," Dipper said with an embarrassed smile.

"Awww!" Mabel said elbowing her brother, "How cute! They're cosplaying each other!"

Then the kids had to explain "cosplaying." Along with a great many other things. And when they had finished, Ford gave them all a high six.

The Other Earth, some broiling-hot Wednesday in some July, 2:12 pm, in the parking lot of a restaurant just off I-20 near Benbrook, Texas:

A sleepy Brad Begman had just pulled in to get lunch. He was on his way home to Cordele, Georgia, and had been driving since having breakfast in Las Cruces, New Mexico, at roughly 5:00 am. He'd driven across two more time zones now. Except for two bathroom stops, he hadn't even stretched his legs in the intervening hours.

He was starving. He climbed out of the van, stretched, then went around to the passenger's side and opened the door to let his driving partner out. He intended to carry it into the restaurant with him and set it on the table. People were sure to notice them together. Who knew, it might attract some girls.

And if it did, he would tell them modestly, "This? This is an award that me and my friends won at the Fringe Con out in San Diego. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Wanna hear the story?"

Then as he started toward his lunch, his phone buzzed. He answered as he walked across the sunstruck asphalt toward the shaded front porch of the country-themed restaurant. "Hello?"

He listened to the voice as a bead of sweat crept down his forehead.

"Uh, yeah, I was Soos in that picture on Facebook. Good photo, wasn't—what? What did you say?"

He collapsed into a rocking chair on the restaurant porch as though overcome by heatstroke. "Who? Dude, wait a minute, let me wrap my head around this. No foolin'? You're really him? Alex?"

The caller laughed and spoke again.

Brad actually stamped both feet in glee. He couldn't help laughing like a kindergartener. "Okay, man, I believe you! Oh, this! I mean! Oh, man! This—wow, this is—I'm a huge fan, dude—this is such an—" he broke off, floundering for words.

Then he shook with delighted laughter as the right words came to him: "Such a gift! This is such a gift!" The voice on the phone joined him in laughing. Then it made a comment.

Brad nodded, though his caller couldn't possibly be aware of that, and said, "I know, I know! Series 1, Episode 4, am I right? No, of course I don't mind that you got my number from the Con staff! This is such a wonderful—What? No, no, I first met them at the Con. But weren't the others great? Wendy especially! Their names? Yeah, it was Diggory and Emma Palm, and get this, they're really twins, isn't that cool? And Willow Cambric, I mean, wasn't she absolutely perfect as Wendy? I know I'm just OK as Soos—aw, thanks, but I'm not nearly in their league—but I agree with you, our group deserved first place!"

The voice on the phone asked a question. Brad responded, "Oh, man, no, I'm so sorry. Dumb me, I didn't get their addresses or phone numbers, and we lost touch at the Con. They did say they were all from a little town named—you're gonna love this—Piedmont, Oregon! Me? No, I'm from Georgia. Cordele. 'Bout halfway between Macon and Valdosta, drivin' back now. Oh, you haven't? Well, it's about 145 miles nearly due south of Atlanta. Oh, sure I'll give you my address! Hey, maybe the other three will get in touch with me through my Facebook page. Check it out, I got lots of their photos there."

Brad recited his address and repeated it. The voice said something else to him, and he replied, "No, thank you! You kiddin'? You're welcome to use them all! Hey, if you do connect with the others, would you please give them my phone number? Yeah, I'd like to get back in touch with them. 'Specially Willow. Man, she is so much like Wendy come to life! Yeah, yeah, I'm a nerd, I know, but seriously, man, everybody loves Wendy!"

The conversation lasted eleven minutes and nine seconds. It was—Brad sincerely believed—the best time of his entire life.

In days and weeks and even years to come, Brad looked back on that sizzling afternoon often and with a renewed happiness.

However, it was mixed, as memories so often are, with a little mellow regret. He found that he really missed the company of his three Con friends.

The only thing better than the phone call would have been getting in touch with Emma and Diggory and—especially—Willow.

Sadly, that never happened.

Gravity Falls: The morning of July 4th, near Gravity Falls High School.

Wendy was at the wheel of her Dodge Dart, complaining a little that it was so early. "Dudes, the parade won't even start for another hour," she said.

Dipper, beside her in the front seat, said. "We know, we know, but we want to get a good spot."

"Yeah," Mabel said from the shotgun position. "We missed Summerween this year 'cause stupid school ran overtime after we were out 'cause of the winter floods, and we didn't get here until it was over. The Fourth of July Parade's the next best thing."

"Looks like the bands an' all are gathering here," Wendy said. "I'd better go find a parking spot off the route."

"No!" Dipper yelled. "I mean—no, pull in and park behind the school. I know where you can find a place."

"What's up, Dip?" Wendy asked suspiciously.

"You'll find out," Mabel said.

She drove slowly past the school marching band, which was tuning up. Or maybe it was playing "The Liberty Bell March," with them it was hard to tell. Then a group of Gravity Falls vets, all of them in full uniform. Deputy Durland stood in the parking lot next to a single slot set off with an orange cone. He moved the cone and waved them in, grinning.

So she parked. They got out and Dipper said, "Okay, now close your eyes." He grabbed her hand and led her around the corner of the building to a quiet spot. "Now open them."

She did. "Wow!"

"You're gonna drive in the parade," Dipper said. "Dogget will show you how."

"Dipper, man—dude, you fixed this up!"

"Well, yeah. I told the Admiral this would be the best reward he could give us. He agreed right away. He likes you."

"Oh, man, oh man—I've always wanted to do this!" Wendy hugged Dipper. "Dude, you're the best! Let's go!"

The next fifteen minutes were . . . interesting. But no automobiles were crushed and the high school was still standing when the lesson was over. Dipper and Mabel got to stand in the hatch, flags in hand. Dogget, though it was a tight fit, was behind Wendy ready to give emergency help should it be needed.

Dipper knew Wendy too well to believe she would need any. At the head of the parade line-up, Sheriff Blubs motioned them to take the lead. Wendy fired up the engine and they lurched, then rumbled forward. Their taking the lead in the parade was a safety precaution—it was good not to have to worry about squashing any marchers. Just behind them the band struck up a recognizable march.

And at another signal, Wendy made the left turn and drove an actual tank, the Admiral's surplus Army tank, to lead the parade along the route through the town.

"Smooth move, brobro," Mabel yelled in Dipper's ear over the roar of the engine and the clanking of the treads. "I foresee major smoochies in your near future!"

"Yeah, that'd be nice, but that's not really why I did it," Dipper said. "I did it 'cause Wendy's always there for us, Sis. I mean, she watches out for me, but especially I owe her 'cause she's there for you. Wendy's the second coolest girl I know."

She elbowed him hard in the ribs. "Second coolest? You got another one on the hook, you Romeo, you? Maybe a vampire? That'd be way cool!"

Dipper rubbed the incipient bruise. "Don't be all cray-cray!" He gave her an affectionate shove. "I'm talking about you, silly!"

She looked at him with big, big eyes. "Awww, Dipper! Awkward sibling hug?"

"Awkward sibling hug."

Unfortunately, before they got to the pats, the tank jounced over a speedbump, they lost their footing and fell on top of Wendy and Dogget, the tank veered wildly, screaming spectators scattered, and for a few minutes the Fourth of July parade got a little too exciting.

But nobody was seriously injured, property damage was minimal, and afterward, everyone in town agreed that as Gravity Falls parades go, this was the most thrilling one ever.

(Almost) The End