The Seldom Seen
AN: This one... might be a little twisted, haha. Comedy and blood. A perfect combination, don't you think?
I've still got a few ideas in mind for the next couple chapters of loosely connected scenelets, but suggestions are welcome. :]
As a general disclaimer, yes, I did borrow some ideas and lines from various places, but I don't mean anything by it. :P
A cookie for the person who can guess the most references!
03: April Fools, Kitten
Seras tossed and turned in her coffin bed, sheets tangling around her long legs as a frown pulled at her features. The girl was dreaming, and it was even stranger than when the 'spirit of her gun' visited her!
Seras scampered on all fours, tiny paws working double time to keep up with the large cinnamon brown male cat with a police hat and badge, and a gun belt around his fluffy waist. "Simon, wait up!" She mewled, short blonde fur fluffing in agitation. Her own hat had fallen across one of her eyes and the gun looked comically large compared to her kitten sized body.
"No time, Seras, we got a report of a K9 assault in the neutral condos!" The burly tom yowled over his shoulder as he leaped at the side of a building to fling himself around the corner without breaking his acre eating gait. Seras hissed slightly, cheeks puffing up as she scampered even faster. Damned dogs and their territory disputes!
When the pair arrived, the police girl panting heavily and out of breath, they stared in horror at all the fluff and blood lining the plaza. Good Cod, it was a massacre! And there, in the middle of it all, was a rottweiler with a white mouse perched on his head. The mouse wore a lab coat and had a strange device in his paws. "That'll teach you to look down on me!" He squeaked in a high pitched voice, baring his sharp little teeth menacingly at the dismembered corpses scattered about. "Now I have the power, and no one can stop me!" He burst into a fit of maniacal giggles that sounded like a clown on helium.
Simon growled low in his throat and reached for his gun, firing in a rage at the rodent and his canine flunky. "You bastard!"
Seras hissed as the bullets flew wide and missed, her fur stood on end, making her appear twice as large, before movement caught her eye and she shrieked, "SIMON!"
Another dog, a black lab by the looks, had lain in wait for police interference, and charged Simon with jaws gaping. The lab tackled the hefty tom and clamped his teeth into the officer's neck. Seras watched in horror as her partner was killed right before her eyes and she felt tears dampening the fur on her cheeks as she hastily scrambled for her gun and fired point blank into the murdering mongrel's left eye, dropping him like a stone over the remains of her former feline in arms.
"A police girl? Kill her, you fools!" The mouse shrieked, hitting buttons furiously on his little remote. Seras yowled and backed herself against a wall, gun trembling in her shaky paws. She wouldn't run, damnit, she was going to take that bastard down or die trying! …Like Simon.
Just then, a pale golden canary fluttered down to perch on a bench at the edge of the massacre, cold blue eyes calculating as she twisted her head to the side. "Alucard." She whistled, voice calm. "Fetch."
A large black hound burst out of no where, red eyes glowing demonically as he charged the rottweiler and tore off his right foreleg in an explosive spray of blood. Shadows erupted from the beast, writing menacingly and spearing the other mongrels attempting to gang up on the beast attacking their boss. Seras hunched her shoulders and hissed as her blue eyes locked with the burning depths of the Alucard creature.
'Police Girl...'
With a shriek, Seras jolted up from her covers, misjudging her strength and literally leaping into the air. Landing on all fours, she shook her head vigorously from side to side before blinking. What..? Were those… whiskers?! Raising a hand to her face, she stared wide eyed at her fuzzy blonde paw and shrieked bloody murder, the sound escaping as a yowl of discontent.
'MASTER!'
"You yelled, Police Girl?" Alucard drawled, drifting out of the floor with a smug smirk on his pale face… Only to have a sunshine yellow growling ball of fur attach itself to said face in a flurry of claws and blood. He laughed and reached up to scruff the kitten, the deep gouges in his face healing instantly as he stared at her amusedly. "My, how fascinating. Did you change on purpose?" He crooned, baring his teeth in a parody of a smile.
The kitten mewled, then wiggled her nose in distaste, shaking her head in the negative. Dangling like that was getting a bit uncomfortable, and she mewed again, tail tucked up between her back legs.
Alucard smirked and tucked the kitten in the pocket of his coat, chuckling in amusement at how miniscule she looked there. Seras glanced up, then down, then flexed her claws in the crimson fabric before wriggling around to face her Master's chest. Reaching one paw up, she sunk the curved needle-claws into the fabric and pulled lightly. With a smug purr, the kitten crawled her way up to his shoulder where she perched like a blonde fuzzy parrot.
"Getting comfy, are we, Kitten?" He murmured, turning to watch her with half an eye. My but her Master looked enormous this close up! Ignoring the taunt, she lifted a paw to lick the back of it in a distinctly feline gesture of dismissal. His chuckle rumbled in her ears and vibrated in her little bones. "My Master calls, Police Girl. Let's see what she wants tonight, hmm? Perhaps a mission of blood…" He trailed off with a disturbing smile twisting his lips back to show off his razor sharp teeth; a predator's glee at bloodshed and death. The kitten nodded and curled her hind claws lightly into his shoulder as he began walking towards the door and up the stairs.
The pair earned many an odd look and more than a handful of double takes. Who could blame the domestic staff, after all? It wasn't often one saw Alucard, let alone walking down the hall casually with an adorable fuzz ball perched on his shoulder. Most were too shocked to truly react, fearing that if they laughed the sadistic male would retaliate. The rather vicious smirk on his face was further reason to not do or say anything if they valued their lives.
Alucard barged into the office as though he owned the place, brushing past Walter to stand in front of his Master's desk, red eyes intent on the human's face.
"Where is Seras? I specifically told you to come with h-… why is there a kitten on your shoulder, Servant?" Integra demanded, eyes narrowing behind her spectacles dangerously.
"A kitten? Oh no…" Walter moaned, sneezing not two seconds later. Another sneeze followed before the poor man could even retrieve the handkerchief in his pocket, chased swiftly by a flurry of five clumped together, "You know I'm allergic." He wheezed from behind the cloth held over his lower face. "If you'll excuse me, Sir Integra?" He enquired politely, sneezing again with tears coming to his squinched eyes. The Hellsing heiress nodded and waved her hand in dismissal, allowing the elderly man to flee to more habitable quarters. Seras chirped a meow and crouched, wriggling her hind end side to side as her own blue eyes watched the play of light on the signet rings on Integra's waving hand. The kitten leaped, and fell comically short, scrabbling at the edge of the desk rather desperately before clawing her way up to the relative safety of the desk top, and promptly pouncing on the shiny gold and black pen Sir Integra used to sign her paperwork.
Alucard laughed and laughed as the blonde woman stared nonplussed at the frolicking fuzz ball messing up her papers. That shade of gold was rather unusual for a cat… Staring suspiciously at her Servant, Integra reached out and scruffed the kitten, staring at familiar looking blue eyes and the rather excessively large incisors in her slightly open mouth. "Is this ... thing what I think it is?" She demanded, shaking the tiny thing slightly as she glared at the red clad vampire.
Seras mewled and tucked her legs and tail tighter to her belly, ears flattening to her skull in distress. Alucard gave a negligent shrug and held out his hand for the little feline, saying nothing until the Hellsing heiress rolled her eyes in disgust and dropped the thing into his grasp. "It seems the Police Girl tapped into her powers while sleeping. Isn't it fascinating?" The male replied at last, watching amusedly as the kitten clambered up his arm to his shoulder. "I rather like her this way, don't you Master?" His perfectly white teeth flashed at her mockingly, "So much quieter and easier to handle."
In response to his words, Seras tip toed behind his head and stood up to rest her front paws on the brim of his hat. Shifting her weight slightly, she leaped up and managed somehow to work her way up to the top of the fedora to settle in the groove there and stare down expectantly at Sir Integra for their orders.
Alucard and Integra shared identical expressions of amusement at the fledgling's antics, though Alucard's mirth was incited further by the look on his Master's face.
"Well, my Master, where are you sending us tonight?" The vampire crooned, a dark edge to his words as he watched the woman intently. Sir Integra's features smoothed to neutral blankness as she picked up a paper from her desk and glanced over its contents. "There's been a new string of burglaries in a residential district not far from here. In the last house a crude message was painted in blood, something to the effects of 'can't catch me' and a severed pigs head placed over the banister. Rumors are also rising of the local homeless going missing have fueled our suspicions of vampiric activity. My orders are simple, Servant. Search and destroy, now go."
Alucard laughed and clapped his hands together in glee, the symbols on the backs of his gloves glowing red. Crossing an arm over his chest, he bent his head slightly with a purr of "Yes, my Master." before vanishing, and taking the Police Girl with him.
In a peaceful neighborhood with no history of crime or violence, a little house sits. Inside this house are a pair of FREAKS who snuck out of the base camp for a night of mischief and blood. It's not as though the others would miss them, right?
The family was dead, sprawled on the floor in a pool of their own blood in the living room with the big screen tv flickering silently, playing commercials. And then came a knock at the door. The male FREAK glanced at his girlfriend and got up, walking down the hall to stare at the door hungrily, "Seconds… Who is it?" He called the latter half loudly.
"Oh, you know…" A deep voice crooned, the wood warping with unnatural shadows, "A real fucking vampire." Stepping through the portal, Alucard's yellow glasses glinted in the dim lighting and he smirked.
The FREAK yelped and bolted back to the living room and his partner, nearly pissing himself from the sickening waves of darkness emanating from the red clad nosferatu. The girl shrieked as she sensed the true vampire's presence, and the pair bolted for the kitchen from the door they entered, only to find it locked.
"What a pathetic pair of sniveling cowards." Alucard sneered, prowling towards his prey slowly to draw out the encounter further for his own amusement. "Police Girl, even in such a shape, you are more a vampire than these things, why don't you show them what it means to be a blood sucker?" A meow was his answer as the kitten stood and arched her back, her fur standing on end to give her a more fearsome appearance.
Alucard laughed.
"Never mind how it's locked, just break it down!" The male howled at his partner, picking up a chair and swinging it at the window, only to stare in disbelief as the wood splinters into matchsticks upon impact. What the hell?!
A chill went through the pair of FREAKS as Alucard made his appearance in the doorway, his laughter turning their blood to ice. Turning to stare at the creature, the male's gaze drifts up to the source of the hissing noise, and stares at the blonde fuzzball standing on the other's hat. ",,,What." It wasn't even a question as his first response was incredulity.
Alucard's laughter grew louder still, and the kitten's eyes glowed red and her fangs elongated to frankly ridiculous lengths. Saber toothed kittens and red coated nosferatu. What was wrong with this picture?
"Sic 'em, Police Girl." Alucard commanded, blocking the exits with his impressively tall frame and powers.
The kitten meowed, the sound cresendoing into an unnatural shriek similar to nails on a chalk board. Leaping from her Master's hat in a blur of yellow, the cat attached herself to the male FREAK's face and dug her claws in deeply.
"What the hell?! Get the bloody thing off me!" He yelped, fingers scrabbling for purchase on the fluffy body, trying to throw the animal to the floor. "Oh my god!" The female shrieked, staring in disbelief at the blood practically gushing down from her partner's face to stain his smeared shirt even further with the crimson substance. "Who are you? What are you?" She screamed at Alucard, diving at her companion to assist him in removing the demonic kitten trying to kill him.
"Merely the instrument of your demise." Was the offhanded response to her shrieking, the kitten's Master settling into the doorjamb and folding his arms over his chest with his fangs showing in wicked amusement. Tonight was glorious, indeed.
With the female pulling the kitten from a better angle, Seras slid off the male's face with a spurt of blood. He moaned and collapsed to the floor weakly. Likely to die of exsanguination. The weakling.
The ball of blood covered fluff turned on the female with another shriek of nails on a chalkboard, and began a valiant attempt to decapitate her hand at the wrist by chewing through it. The girl screamed and began to slam her hand and the kitten into the table, hoping the blunt force trauma would force it to release her. Sickening cracks filled the air as bones shattered, but the supply of fresh blood from her victim swiftly healed the undead feline and she persevered.
Alucard's attention span drew near its peak and he frowned, "As amusing as this was, Police Girl, I've grown bored. Finish it or I'll do it for you." He reached into his jacket and pointed the Cassul at the remaining FREAK with a sneer,
'Sir, yes Sir, my Master.'
Giving up her hold on the half eaten wrist, the blood coated kitten scurried her way up the girl's arm in a flash and leaped across her throat with claws unsheathed. A veritable geyser of red poured from the deep slice and the FREAK collapsed with a gurgle, fingers twitching helplessly.
Two shots echo through the kitchen and the wanna be vampires turn swiftly to dust.
"You got rather messy playing with your food, kitten, perhaps you need a bath?" At her horrified look Alucard burst into another fit of laughter and swooped down on the little thing, capturing her in his large hands with a cruel lift to his lips. "Yes, I think a bath is in order."
The duo vanished through another portal, the only sign they were ever there a mysterious scattering of blonde hairs that matched no animal or human on record.
'No, Master, please! Not a bath!' Seras mewled piteously, quivering in his palms.
"Look at you, you're positively drenched in blood." Alucard purred, ignoring her mental pleas as he appeared in his fledgling's room and walked into the shower, his shirt, jacket, and boots vanishing to leave him in just his dove grey pants and rune marked gloves. "You'll never be able to get it all off yourself, and there's nothing more uncomfortable than dried blood in fur." He continued gleefully, sliding the frosted glass door shut behind him to lock them in the shower, and turning the water on hot.
'No, no, no, nooo… Please?' Seras begged, feline instincts screaming at her to escape the threat of water. Ugh!
Her Master ignored her of course and stepped into the heated spray with a smirk, holding his fledgling with one hand and scrubbing his fingers through the deep red fur with the other with sadistic glee until the water ran clear and his Childe regained her original color. Not quite done with the torture, he chuckled menacingly and squirted some of Seras' shampoo on top of her head before attacking with her loofah and transforming her into a ball of suds. Her head, back, tail, belly, legs… He even amused himself scrubbing the edge between her little pink toe pads; reveling in her meowing and mental wailing of embarrassment. Finally he deemed her all clean and turned the water off, reforming a second pair of pants completely dry on his body as he stepped from the enclosed cubicle and generously grabbed a towel to man handle his kitten with.
"Tonight was fun, Police Girl, I might just keep you a kitten from now on to amuse myself." He leered down at the waterlogged bundle in his arms.
'What?! No, Master, please! I don't want to be a kitten anymore. Please!'
He laughed and she panicked, mind falling into chaos at the prospect of spending the rest of eternity as the kitten her old police team called her. It felt like there were three different beings in her head! Her lingering humanity, the vampire that grew ever more powerful with each drop of blood she drank, and now the instincts of a feisty house cat!
Having finished drying the girl until she resembled a dandelion ripe for the plucking to blow the enticing fluff away on the wind, he drops her on the bed and leans down to leer at her with glowing red eyes.
"April Fools, kitten."
With that he was gone and she was in her human shape once more. And naked! Shrieking in horror, she dives under the covers of her bed and scrambles for her pyjamas left behind when she transformed the first time. Master was insane! What kind of prank was that?!
…Although it did feel nice when he had petted her…
Damnit!
"Master you're mean!" Seras wailed, cheeks cherry red in embarrassment and a hint of outraged disbelief at how far he'd go for a laugh. "Bloody vampires…"