Your Love is a Song Chapter 15: Better that We Break, a pitch perfect fanfic

A/N: Here's chapter 15 featuring regionals and its immediate aftermath. Also, note that Chloe doesn't have a perspective in this chapter while everyone else does. There's a purpose to that :) This one's gonna' be long. Songs listed below.

I don't own pitch perfect.

She felt like drowning. This time for sure. She could feel it, the tightening of her chest, the need to gasp for air. Every nerve, every fiber of her body was screaming at her, telling her she needs to breathe but she couldn't. The panic sets in, her chest feels even tighter, her heart heavier. She was drowning from all the noise she was trying so hard to tune out. The conflict, the rage, the hurt, the mixed emotions, everything. The haunting silence was deafening despite the fact that the music blaring up from her earbuds were tuned up to the loudest volume her eardrums could withstand. Her own sobs were choking her as the space around her started to feel like it was about to crumble down. She's felt this before, Beca knew that for sure.

She just wasn't sure when.

Or no, she was.

The distance between the stairwell and the front door never felt longer, darker, scarier. It never felt more menacing as it did that day, clinging on to the rail at the bottom step of the stairs as she cried and cried and cried, watching the silhouette of a figure disappear into the light of day. The door never closed painfully slow as it did that day too. And when it finally shut close, it never sounded so loud as it did. The sound still echoing through Beca's mind to this day.

She messed up. It was her fault. And for so many reasons.

It would have been easier if she really didn't care as she claimed.

But the problem was she did. By a lot.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

"You should come to regionals." Chloe had said with a smile. "Come on, be there when we win."

Beca let out a chuckle. Chloe looked tired and apparently starved. They were having dinner at the diner Chloe took her to before. In a way it had become their diner. She's never really seen Chloe eat as much as she had that night and Beca found it almost too adorable to watch.

"I'll see if I can drag Luke along. Knowing you, I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"Damn right you are." Chloe said with a grin.

"So how's practice?" Beca asked uncertainly. She doesn't really bring up the Bellas much but she was curious if the Bellas had succeeded with changing Aubrey's one-tracked mind. She may have also been wondering if Aubrey liked the changes she did if she had already had a chance to hear the Bellas perform it to her. That was the plan after all.

But Chloe groaned as soon as Beca opened the topic "Fine, I won't ask." Beca then said with an understanding smile.

Times were still tough she then supposed.

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

"Beca if you're not up to it…" she heard Luke say after hearing a brief knock on the door. It was all that it took to snap Beca's attention back from recalling the last few days.

"I'm fine Luke." Beca gave out as a reply, trying her best to keep her voice from trembling and giving her away.

She was not fine. She was far from it. She had stormed out earlier, visibly shaking and all as she made it into Luke's car, slamming the door as hard as she could. She was still visibly shaking during the whole drive back and even until now.

No she was not fine.

But she wanted to be.

That's all that she wanted to be.

Fine.

But that would be impossible.

Somehow everything she touched turned into dust. At least that was what Beca felt. And maybe it was a series of unfortunate everts, maybe it was truly beyond her own control, but she had a part to play in all of this and it was that tiny little part that had her blaming herself hard. After all, she was the common denominator to all the things and the relationships that had failed in her life.

She sighed into the pillow she had been clutching in her chest as she tried to even her breathing. Luke had remained silent and Beca was thankful that he knew not to push it when she just wanted to be alone.

She needed to get her thoughts in order.

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

"You guys okay?" Beca had asked a mere three nights ago. Amy and Stacie look grave and worried and stressing out.

Amy wasn't eating. Stacie wasn't saying anything.

They looked like they were struggling to juggle an important decision that needed to be made.

"Yo, you nerds, are you listening? Earth to Amy and Stacie."

"Huh, sorry Shawshank. Just really tired. The Aca-Nazi is freaking out in any and all tiny details that isn't perfect enough. Like on a microscopic level of mistakes."

"Oh." Beca replied not sure if she should ask if Aubrey bought the pitch of the remixed set-list Beca had come up with to help her friends out.

"Don't start stressing on anything Beca, we can handle it." Stacie said. "Just worried on a few things."

"Worried on what?"

"We still haven't had the chance to talk to Aubrey."

"Have you at least told Chloe? I haven't brought it up to her, I was hoping you guys would live up to your end. I, well, I'm just not sure about how to open up helping the Bellas you know."

"We told Chloe you helped us come up with something for regionals that would blow everyone's minds away. It's just, even she's having a hard time getting Aubrey to listen. It doesn't help that we ran onto the Trebles two days ago and they were all smug about their set-list. It's adding unnecessary pressure to Bree."

Beca nodded as she listened to Stacie. "I hope you guys get a chance to do so though. It would be a shame if you don't. You guys have been practicing extra with the remixed set to convince Aubrey you're ready with it, so I wouldn't want your efforts to go to waste. But yeah, I can tell Chloe's extra stressed lately. Guess she's just worried about Posen."

"We'll come up with something Shawshank, so don't sweat it." Amy replied with a beaming smile and that was that with that topic.

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Too late now. Beca couldn't have predicted the outcome. If she could, then Beca would have convinced Stacie and Amy to back out of the plan right then and there.

She pressed her face against the pillow, hugging it tighter against her own body. It was of the wrong scent, didn't smell like her at all. But of course it wouldn't. It was Luke's pillow. And she had never been in the room with her before, even during the break when she had stayed there.

She wished it could have stayed that way. Beca never wished it was Christmas break all over again with so hard.

No, she shouldn't miss it. She shouldn't wish for days gone by to repeat themselves.

Her thoughts were a mess. She had been left vulnerable because she started to care. She started to…

This is your own fault Mitchell

Beca took a deep breath. Focus.

LA is the dream. No roots, no ties. Remember? You're here because of LA. You're enduring college because of that dream. A year of college. What happened to that dream? she drilled to herself as she fixed herself up, fixed the cold hard mask on her face.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

She shouldn't be feeling weak either. It was her fault for coming apart. She told herself never to let anyone else in. Not ever again.

But she did.

She let the walls around her break down and crumble and look where it had gotten her.

All she did was care. All she did was make friends and want the same thing they did. All she wanted was to do her part and help.

Beca steadied her breathing, wiped away the tears that were still threatening to spill. She can't mess her gig up. She had to push through this nonsense and focus. The radio station gig was a way to build up experience for her.

LA was the dream

LA is still the dream.

So why does it feel like she was lying to herself?

She shouldn't have gotten herself involved with the Bellas in the first place.

And maybe, just maybe, this mess wouldn't have happened at all.

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

She was happy she wasn't alone at the moment. She wouldn't have known what to do. It was just too sad really. Jessica was picking on her food with Ashley, Cynthia Rose, Denise, and Lilly at the diner near Barden. They had just returned from regionals, all broken and glum. Amy had just left with Stacie, the two wanting to just sleep it off and/or possibly look for Beca who had disappeared with Luke earlier.

Jessica wasn't sure how, what, or why, but somehow at some point everyone in their bus just broke out in song and started singing 'Party in the USA', as if all the troubles and their struggles of the past few days didn't even exist. Aubrey hadn't been listening, she was stuck in her own 'Aubrey Posen' world, like the regionals was all that mattered , it being the one obsessive compulsive thought in Aubrey's mind. She had been feeling all sorts of nervous since the night before, a feeling of foreboding washing over her. She could feel it.

Jessica's worst possible fears were starting to come true when their bus stopped. Amy had forgotten to fill up the tank after the Trebles attacked her with a burrito earlier.

And their only way to the competition was to board the Treble's bus.

Yeah, it had been a really long day for all of them.

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Denise leaned on Cynthia Rose. They didn't really have much energy to move. Losing was once thing. Breaking up another. But break ups in relationship happen sometimes, it was a part of life. Breaking up with your friends, your group, your family, it was just near impossible.

"We're going to be up soon. We're going to be up soon. We're going to be up soon." She remembered Ashley kept chanting backstage as they watched the first couple of groups go ahead of them. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"You should probably join Aubrey in the bathroom. I mean, that's why she disappeared with Chloe right?" Cynthia Rose replied.

"Guys, not to bring your attention to the painfully obvious undercover elephant in our tiny little space here but we still have to come up with decision. We missed all our chances." Amy then said.

"Maybe we should just wing it. See how things go and decide what to do on spot depending on how bad we bomb or not?" Denise had given as a reply.

"I guess we'll take the lead then." Jessica replied with a grunt, exchanging a look with Ashley. "You know, if we ever need it."

To which Stacie had mumbled a little frustrated, "Why do I have a feeling we're going to need it?"

Denise sighed, back in the present, realizing that things could have gone differently if winning hadn't been what was on everyone's minds then, or if they only mustered up more courage to speak up.

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start

Aubrey was alone in her room.

She was basically alone in their apartment.

She had never seen Chloe so mad in her life. So frustrated. So torn.

She wanted to do something. Anything, but she wasn't entirely sure what. They had just lost. They've lost their run for the Nationals, she may have just lost her best friend, a part of her was a little upset at the thought the Bellas too. But then again she herself was still heartbroken. She was still angry herself.

But she wasn't entirely sure what she was angry about anymore. She wasn't sure if it was the endless summer nights she had poured into finding a way to perfect what could've been, or if it was at herself because she knew she might have gone a little too far decimating Beca's feelings, not listening to Chloe or her best friends.

Her dreams were over, and what was more of a bitter pill to swallow was the fact that she might have had a part in making things come undone too. Sure, she regrets some of her immediate decisions right after their performance, and what scared Aubrey the most was that she wasn't sure if there was even still a way to make things right.

It was all about chasing the dreams until it isn't. Until you realize that there's more to life than a race to the finish line. And Aubrey was scared that she might have just screwed things up badly. She was scared to face the hurt alone, deal with her anger alone, and deal with the disappointment around her alone.

Most of all, she was scared to face that truth that she may have turned into something that she wasn't, into someone she swore she'll never be.

Singing was one of her passions, her greatest joys. In fact, it was through singing that she met Chloe when they were younger. And right now, singing felt tainted. She had corrupted it herself. She did so when all that mattered was winning and when the joy of performing was gone.

She was afraid she killed their sound. Her sound. "Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the word…" Aubrey had mumbled, trying to sing but failing as the tears came rushing.

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Seeing that there wasn't much left to do or say, Lilly had excused herself from their group at the diner.

She wasn't one to be shaken or fazed by anything at all. But she did feel her core shifting a little that night.

Truth be told, she liked the Bellas. She loved being a Bella. And it broke her heart when Aubrey declared the Bellas no more.

Their performance was really that bad. It wasn't that much of a train wreck but it was really bad. The audience had pretty much started to doze of as soon as they started their performance. Lilly had spotted Beca in the audience with Luke, the DJ looking a little disappointed perhaps thinking that in the end Aubrey must simply have her way without listening to the rest of them. If that were Beca's thoughts at that moment, she wouldn't be that far off. Even Luke seemed to be sitting through their performance painfully bored.

It happened fast, the snap decision of deciding to just go with it. They would rather lose points for some rough transitions than lose the audience and the judges completely.

Beca looked confused when Jessica and Ashley changed the beat a little before a look of realization occurred to her during the performance. Yeah, it was rough, but the Bellas manage to smoothly hijack the rest of the performance with Beca's remixed set.

Aubrey looked mortified but she quickly picked up the change while Chloe simply looked confused, and perhaps a little bit worried as she kept checking on a fuming Aubrey.

In the end, the audience liked the change, but the damage with the start of their performance and their rocky switch in things had been made.

And in the end they still lost, by a few points, but Aubrey had already reached that conclusion as soon as they reached backstage.

It was an unpretty sight, and it had an unpretty outcome. All Lilly could hope for was that everyone would be alright, especially Beca.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

"What on earth was that?" Aubrey had fumed. Somehow that moment was all that Ashley could still ever think about. She felt bad, really bad. Because she felt so useless, voiceless. Because she felt like they each could have done something.

"Hey guys." they heard Beca say as she rushed through the backstage looking concerned. Nothing seemed to have slipped her eyes – or ears for that matter – during their earlier performance.

"You…" Aubrey seethed.

"Look Posen…" Beca started before.

"What the hell Beca? You're not even a Bella anymore so why are you trying to screw us up?" Aubrey yelled a little louder than she usually does.

"You don't seriously…" Beca once again started to say.

But Aubrey jump right into it, pulling up everything they have buried in the past, including conspiracy theories with the Trebles and Jesse in particular.

"Why don't you ask what everyone else thinks for a change, huh Posen? They were the ones that pulled off the stunt."

"Or maybe you should just admit that you're craftier than you look? That maybe you're in league with your boyfriend!" Aubrey growled.

"Jesse's not my boyfriend! Why don't you get that through your thick head?" Beca interjected.

"Oh, so are you telling me that it's just you then? You have to what? Kill anything and everything you care about and love? Ruin it all?" Aubrey spat out, words like poison taking their effect while everyone was stunned silent. She was really letting it all go, get her emotions get the best of her.

"Aubrey don't." Chloe interjected, trying, as always, to diffuse the situation.

But Aubrey ignored her. "Why don't you just walk away Beca? That's the only thing you're good at. Quitting and all. Just go, no one needs you here."

"Aubrey!" Chloe then said, raising her voice a little.

"What's going on here?" Jesse asked, like he was right on cue.

"Of course you come strolling in now." Beca mumbled.

"Hey, I was just trying to help." Jesse then said.

"Right, you're prince is here, so just go Beca. You've done you're part for them already." Aubrey let out finally pushing all Beca's buttons.

Jesse wanted to say something but the Trebles were then called on stage, leaving the drama of the Bellas behind.

"Yeah, maybe I should." Beca replied through gritted teeth. "Oh and thanks for letting me drown." she added looking at the Bellas looking heart. "Not that your opinions matter and all, just go ahead and use the loner girl. The alt girl. The transitory girl no one's gonna' care about anyways." Beca said in a shaky breath before storming off.

Yeah, Beca's words had cut deep like ice. Chloe had tried to call after Beca, rushing out before quickly being followed by Amy and Stacie.

"Beca was right cap, we do have opinions. And I think went a little beyond overboard there. Beca was just trying to help us after we asked her." Cynthia Rose said in a whisper.

Maybe that's why Ashley was still haunted by it. In a way, the Bellas failed to come to Beca's defense when she needed it, and all she wanted was to help.

Some friends they are.

I'm going back to the start

Luke drove straight back to his apartment with Matt. Beca didn't want to go back to the dorm. She was trying to keep it in, but he knew better. She was a ticking time bomb before her emotions just flow right out.

"I'm fine." Beca had said when she got into the car. She said it a second time before storming into Luke's room and claiming it as her own. And a third time when she leaving for the station.

Luke sighed. The show must go on and so it did, for the best part the Midnight DJ did her job but again Luke knew better. He easily recognized the hints of sadness in Beca's tone.

And a part of him knew, she was probably exhausted after three hours more of covering up her feelings to make kit through her show.

That's why all Luke could think about as he made his way to the station was his little step-sister.

It was a long day and an even longer night.

As soon as the Bellas lost Aubrey flipped even more. Her chance at redeeming her own mess ups were gone. The Bellas were already worried about how things were left off with Beca that it didn't help when Aubrey started blaming them too.

"If you guys only said something at least we could have been prepared!"

"But we have been doing just that!" Jessica protested.

And things once again launched into a heated row all while they tried to figure out a way to get back to campus. At some point, Aubrey said something along the lines of "If you all feel that way, then maybe we shouldn't be a team anymore." Somehow, everyone else was just tired of everything that they didn't even complain or fight.

The Bellas were done.

Stacie pretty much stayed lock in her own dorm room for the night after coming back, sitting on her bed in silence. Her roommate was out and she was thankful for that. She really wanted to be alone for a while.

It was a few minutes after three in the morning, and Stacie was having trouble sleeping. That's when she remembered that the radio was off and the reason she couldn't sleep might have been because she was already used to stay up late just to catch Beca's show.

Stacie got up and turned the radio on, her thoughts on Beca when she heard a knock on her door.

"Beca?" Chloe has asked meekly as soon as she opened the door. Still no word from Beca from all of them, but she was with Luke and Stacie had faith in him to keep Beca in company while she sorts through her own thoughts and emotions.

Knowing Chloe probably won't rest until she sees Beca was okay, she invited the redhead in. They totally missed the Midnight DJ run, but it looks like she could catch a glimpse of Beca's own thoughts in the songs Luke was playing. Leaving Stacie to wonder just how much damage was done.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

"Aw, cheer up Amy. We won." Bumper said smugly. She was at the treble's house, at their victory party trying to be a good sport.

She was so not there for Bumper alone. Nope. Not a chance.

"This is cheered up." Amy replied trying her best to smile but even her spirits were down. Bumper, to his credit, did dial down the arrogance and kept her company. But Amy just didn't feel like doing anything tonight.

She was Beca's best friend. And she failed. She felt really bad about it, knowing Beca's trust issues and her walls and all. Hoping to get a glimpse of her shorty, she made her way to Luke's apartment thinking that's where she would be hiding. But nobody was home, not even Matt.

Amy decided to let things be for now. Beca needed her space. Aubrey needed a lot of space. And everyone else did too. Truthfully, she was exhausted herself.

And so she decided to make her way back to her dorm. She'll be there and ready if Beca ever needs her.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"Okay, you guys call me if you need anything too, alright?" Cynthia Rose said as she was speaking with Jessica on her phone. "Yep, Lilly checked in hours ago. Everyone has. The only ones I haven't heard form are Aubrey and Beca. Chloe texted me earlier."

"Yeah, she wanted to check in on us too." Jessica replied through the line.

"Right. Get some sleep guys." Cynthia Rose then said before hanging up.

She was tired and sleepy.

And somehow feeling guilty.

The whole thing was her idea, and she knows she was partly at fault with how thing ended. Her thoughts wouldn't let her sleep that night because of all the guilt.

She knows, she had, she needed to. Beca had to hear her apology. All of theirs. Aubrey too. She was hopeful that things could still be fixed.

And maybe it was that hope that was still keeping her alive.

That strong faith that the Bellas were stronger than that, they just needed to find their own way for now. She tuned in onto the radio, hoping to fight of the loneliness and get some sleep, but somehow that didn't help either. The song was reaching her through and through. It was probably doing the same thing with everyone else.

When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Luke sighed.

She was not okay.

She was far from it.

The booth was a place of such happiness for Beca and while she did marched on through with her program, Luke could see what had happened was crushing her.

Luke didn't need to say a word. As soon as he stepped inside the booth Beca had ran up to him and buried her face on his chest, staining his shirt with her tears, muffling the sounds of her sobs. He never dared hug Beca before, not as tightly as he had at that moment.

Music was her home.

Music was her source of joy.

But now music was reminding her of mistakes, regrets, and pain and sorrow.

The girl who had locked herself behind her walls decided to step outside but was met with a crushing storm. And she had lost everything her courage had gained her when she decided to brave the new world. All of Beca's insecurities came rushing up to the surface, all her doubts, the buried memories, the healing scars opening again, all of it, gushing out all at once as her walls crumbled in a way she had never imagined.

The cautious girl, the mistrusting girl, the abandoned girl had once again felt abandoned. Her trust issues – to herself and to the world – are back in full force as she learned not to trust anything outside her walls. Luke knew no words would reach her, at least not now. Knowing Beca she's blaming herself for any possible thing that she could think of.

And all Luke wanted to do was tell her that she was wrong. That it wasn't her fault. That sometimes things simply fall apart.

But she was still a prisoner in her own thoughts.

So right now all Luke could do was help her keep it together and hold his sister.

Luke started his show in the station but quickly texted Matt to cover for him, he didn't want to let Beca walk home alone. The time waiting for Matt to come over was spent in silence, with Luke trying to be the best brother as possible. They may not share blood, they may not share DNA, but Beca was family.

Beca dozed off, leaning on Luke in an uncomfortable position when Matt finally came. That's when he picked her up and carried her on his back, slowly making their way back home to his apartment.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Even in sleep Beca still let out a sob or two. It was quite reminiscent of a time when they were younger, some kids were picking on her on school for being the quiet girl in the background, for being a loner, for being 'weird', and Beca fought back after a guy had hit a nerve picking on the fact that Beca's parents had separated. That her dad probably left because of her.

Yeah, that definitely hit a nerve. Beca literally knocked the wind out of him just outside the steps of their school entrance, Beca losing her ground and accidentally twisting her ankle as she tried to balance herself. He had to carry her home too.

But that time was spent exchanging tall-tales and trying to find humor in the fact that Beca got suspended for punching a guy twice her size.

This was different though.

Luke could tell. She could feel that what had crumbled wasn't Beca's walls. It was Beca's heart.

And all Luke could do was make himself a promise of making it better, making it right, someway, somehow.

He'll help pick up the pieces of Beca's heart and help her put it together once more.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Songs featured in this chapter: 'The Scientist' and 'Fix You' by Coldplay, also a brief mention of 'Viva La Vida'; title of the chapter inspired by 'Better that We Break' by Maroon 5

PS: I may have had a Coldplay playlist on loop while writing this. 'Fix You' had five duplicates on that list…