A/N: Hello. Hope you're doing well! Here's chapter three.
The rabbit in her jaws seemed to weigh hardly anything as she ran, full out, toward the camp. Her paws practically skimmed the ground, the energy in them lifting her up so that not even the guilt she felt prickling at the back of her neck could keep her down.
Her thoughts flickered back to Astertail, and the image of her eyes, so blue and welcoming, made her feel as if she could leap off the ground and touch the moon if only it were out and shining.
Warmth blazed across her pelt and built in her throat, pulsing with each pawstep she took so that even the bouncing of the rabbit across her chest seemed to join in with the feeling blossoming there. The camp neared, and she took a running leap over a rock in her path, the warmth spreading through her body seeming to bloom outward as she rose through the air..
and fell with sinking dread as Shrewpelt, tail high, padded toward her. The delight and pride in his eyes choked her, the warmth she saw there burning and stifling rather than exhilarating as Astertail's had been. Her paws, dusty from the run to the camp, scrabbled at the ground and nearly bolted to take her away from the way he looked at her.
"Did you catch that by yourself?" he mewed, sounding amazed and proud of her. "It's huge! You carried it back all alone?"
His praise pricked her fur and annoyed her rather than pleased her. It was just a rabbit, after all; cats caught them all the time. She brushed past him into the camp, the rabbit muffling any words she might have tried to say and allowing her to stay silent. Shrewpelt walked beside her until, mercifully, Larkwhisker intercepted them.
"Good catch, Darkgaze," he mewed, eyes glittering as he eyed the rabbit. "Take that to Sootfeather and Redpaw, would you?" He swung his head to face Shrewpelt. "You're on border patrol," he continued, leaving Darkgaze to walk, alone, towards the medicine den.
Sootfeather was outside with her apprentice, showing the young red molly something to do with the stacks of leaves at her paws. The scent was strong enough to get past even the rabbit smell clogging Darkgaze's nose. She was very glad her path had led her to be a warrior. She doubted she would have half the head for medicine that Sootfeather had.
The gray medicine cat looked up, her green eyes sparking as she stared at Darkgaze. Her ear twitched, and Darkgaze had the feeling that Sootfeather knew something she couldn't.
"Darkgaze!" Redpaw exclaimed when she'd turned to follow her mentor's line of sight. "Is that for us? Wow, it looks delicious!" The little apprentice sounded as excited as she always was. She was such a happy kit. Darkgaze felt a purr rumbling in her throat as she set the rabbit down in front of the medicine cats.
"We'll continue with this once we've eaten," Sootfeather murmured in her quiet way, carefully setting rocks down on the piles of herbs so they wouldn't blow away in an errant wind. "Thank you, Darkgaze."
The gray molly still stared at her, a knowing look in her eyes. Darkgaze's paws shifted nervously. Sootfeather always seemed to be able to read any of her clanmates. Her suffix indicated her gentle way with her patients, but Darkgaze had no doubt that had her path been that of a warrior, they'd be sharing the same suffix, though for different reasons.
Darkgaze's talents lay on the battlefield, where she could easily plan a way of attack. She had an innate ability to tell which way a battle might go at any time, what moves an enemy would make, and how to parry them. Sootfeather's talents lay in cats themselves, reading their thoughts and feelings. Darkgaze wished her own ability at perception were better; Sootfeather was unreadable as always.
"No problem," Darkgaze mewed eventually, backing away. She turned and padded off, but she could still feel the green scorch of Sootfeather's eyes on her pelt.
Shrewpelt was gone already, much to Darkgaze's relief. She wouldn't have to deal with him for awhile. Perhaps she'd join another hunting patrol before he got back, she mused, wanting to avoid the tom as much as she could.
With a thrill she remembered her promise to Astertail. Moonhigh was ages away still, but Darkgaze felt anticipation prick her claws. Her thoughts drifted as she padded slowly across the camp. She wondered, briefly, how Astertail's fur would feel against her own, what her purr sounded like, and her ears flushed hot.
"Looking for something to do?" Larkwhisker mewed, and Darkgaze's head jerked up in surprise. He looked amused. "You've already been hunting today. We'll have a border patrol later, but until then you should take a rest. Unless you don't want to go on the patrol?"
"Oh, I do!" she assured him. "I'll go. Thanks, Larkwhisker." She dipped her head to him and turned around to see a dark brown molly come out of the warrior's den. Quickly, Darkgaze walked over to her.
The molly brightened, her tail standing straight up. "Oh!" she gasped. "There you are!" Her eyes, the same shade of green as Hawkstripe's, blinked warmly at the gray cat. "I've missed you today."
Darkgaze greeted her mother with a purr. "Sorry, Acornfoot," she mewed, pressing her muzzle against her mother's shoulder. Excitement bloomed in her chest again, and words bubbled up to press against her teeth as her mother, purring, mewed, "You seem so happy." Darkgaze thought she'd tell her mother everything about Astertail.
Then the bubbles burst as Acornfoot continued, "Are you about to tell me you're having kits with Shrewpelt?"
Darkgaze felt as if she would fall. Something in her wailed at her mother's words. She had to take a moment to compose herself, to keep from collapsing at the sudden rush of horror that threatened to overwhelm her.
"Oh, no," she said as steadily as she could, glad her face was hidden from her mother's view. "I was just glad to see you."
Acornfoot purred, unknowing of her daughter's feelings. "Well, it's a good thing I'm here, then, hm? Do you want to get something to eat with me?"
Darkgaze mewed her assent and let Acornfoot take the lead, following behind in an effort to calm herself and get rid of the horror she could feel twisting her expression.
Acornfoot seemed none the wiser to Darkgaze's turmoil, something she was grateful for. She knew how much her mother was looking forward to her children having kits of their own. As Acornfoot took a mouse from the freshkill pile, Darkgaze thought privately that she'd have more luck getting Hawkstripe to settle down.
Soon after, Darkgaze pushed the remainder of her food toward Acornfoot. "I'm going- Larkwhisker should be getting a patrol ready soon, and I wanted to go."
"Have a good time, dear," Acornfoot said warmly, more than happy to take an extra share of food when offered.
Darkgaze looked back at her mother once more before she joined Larkwhisker. She wondered, and then wondered again, about what it was that she was doing.
She was still wondering long after the border patrol, when night fell, and when the moon rose high in the air. She kept wondering as she snuck out of camp, padding through the moon-bathed night to the border. She passed rocks and bushes and landmarks she knew by heart that, in the cold light of night, seemed as unfamiliar as the Outlands.
When she saw Astertail, practically glowing in the silver light of the stars, she stopped her wondering. They met, purring, and touched noses. Darkgaze had never been so happy to see anyone.
"I'm glad to see you," Astertail mewed shyly, echoing Darkgaze's own thoughts. Darkgaze couldn't think of anything else she'd rather be doing right now, not even sleeping curled up in the warmth of a nest. She was warm now anyway, next to Astertail.
They sat on opposite sides of the border and just talked, trading stories, funny or said, and simply enjoying each others company. Darkgaze told her about Hawkstripe and Acornfoot, and in turn learned about Silverfur, Astertail's sister, and Rabbitstep, her father. Her other father, the one who had sired her instead of giving birth to her, had long since joined Starclan. His name had been Shadcloud. Darkgaze told of her own dead father, Duskfang, and there was a moment of silence between them as they gazed up at the swathe of stars that made up the Eternal River.
Darkgaze listened intently as Astertail told her about the time she and Silverfur had snuck out of the camp as apprentices to hunt for a rabbit just before dawn. Rabbitstep had been sick, something simple and easy to cure, but it had laid him up in the medicine den for days. Silverfur had had the bright idea that getting him a rabbit, one specially caught for him instead of picked up off the fresh-kill pile, would speed along his recovery. Darkgaze nodded; it was a sound idea. Her own Clan had the same beliefs, that those named after prey would be stronger if they ate their namesake. For Rabbitstep to eat one especially caught for him could do more than usual.
"We found one," Astertail mewed. "But unfortunately, so had a fox." Darkgaze gasped here, enthralled in the story and how Astertail's eyes sparkled as she told it. "We'd just killed it when we heard the growl. It was huge, and angry, practically salivating. I suppose it was hungry. If I was that big, I'd be hungry all the time too."
"What did you do?" Darkgaze pressed.
"Ran, of course! As fast as we could. No fox can hope to chase down a Shaleclan cat." Astertail winked, and Darkgaze's heart thumped in her chest. "I left the rabbit, hoping it'd take the prey and leave us alone, but when I looked back to check for Silverpaw, she had it in her jaws! That silly cat hadn't left it behind at all." She shook her head, her face crinkled in a smile at the memory. "The fox was right behind us, but we were getting ahead of it. Then a patrol heard us and called out, and we ran as fast as we could towards them. Turns out they were looking for us. The fox saw all the patrol and turned tail. It could take a couple of shrimpy apprentices, but not three full-grown warriors."
"What did Rabbitstep think?"
"Oh, he was angry, but it was just because we were being mousebrains. He ate the whole rabbit and a couple of days later he was all better." The smile on Astertail's face widens. "Of course, he'd never admit it was because of our magic rabbit."
"Of course not," Darkgaze purred.
"What was the silliest thing you've done?" Astertail asked.
Darkgaze had to think. "It was when Hawkstripe and I were apprentices too," she finally said. "And Shrewpaw-" here she felt a sliver of discomfort, talking about Shrewpelt to Astertail, "-he was Hawkpaw and my's best friend. We all climbed up Starclan's Eye, the biggest hill on our territory. It was huge! It took ages to climb. Mostly only experienced warriors go up there. It's pretty steep, but birds like it up there." She swished her tail; even from the border the hill was slightly visible, though not in the dark.
Astertail nodded. "I've seen it, I think," she said, gratifying Darkgaze's theory.
"Well, we went up there. Hawkpaw kept boasting, scrambling up much too quick. Like any of us were impressed! We were all getting up there one way or another, after all, and Shrewpaw and I would rather keep all our limbs well and whole." She purred at the memory, and described how Hawkpaw had jumped from ledge to ledge, taking pawholds that were much too small to be safe. He'd slipped once, and Shrewpaw had shoved at his back, catching him long enough that he regained his balance. "He was quiet after that," she reflected. "I guess he was embarrased." And she remembered too, though she didn't say it, how Shrewpaw had been moony for her even then, casting eyerolls at her as they climbed, gesturing at Hawkpaw as if to say, 'Can you believe him?'
"You didn't slip?" Astertail asked.
"No, but I was taking my time, making sure I wouldn't." She'd always been watchful even then. "And then we finally reached the top. It was gorgeous up there. We could see the whole territory, even the Palegrounds." Astertail's eyes were far away, trying to picture it, and Darkgaze quickly launched into more descriptions, how the light glanced off the hills, how they could see the jutting ridges of Cliffclan, and Sun's Edge far off to the west. Astertail blinked open her eyes, a pleased smile on her muzzle, and nodded.
"Well, then, we wondered how to get down," continued Darkgaze. "That was the difficult part.. And then Shrewpaw exclaimed, 'Oh, geez,' and it turned out that there was a path just on the other side of where we'd climbed up. It was so much easier than how we'd gotten up." She sighed and glanced at Astertail, who was purring in amusement. "Apprentices, right?" she added, just to hear Astertail's purr grow louder.
She nodded. "Apprentices," she agreed, eyes glowing, and Darkgaze's heart thumped. Astertail started a new story, one not as exciting, and they traded them like that, just getting to know each other.
When the moon had sunk low in the sky, Darkgaze had a realization. Her heart twisted in her chest, discomfort prickling her fur. It calmed as she looked at Astertail, and she knew without a doubt that from here there was no going back to the way things had been.
"Astertail," she mewed when she had finished a story. "I have to tell you something." Astertail's expression, wide with curiosity and expectation, sent a flutter through Darkgaze's stomach. She pressed the feeling down and wrenched words from her jaw. They tasted bitter. "I have a mate."
Astertail's expression crumbled. She leaned back, ears flat on her head, the opposite of the open and inviting way she had looked just a heartbeat earlier. Darkgaze forced herself to continue. "His name is Shrewpelt," she said, and answered the question that flitted across Astertail's face. "Shrewpaw from the stories, yes.. He- I- We.." And here she couldn't go on. Astertail had stood up, a lost, confused expression on her face. She looked away, up to the stars, and stood stock still.
"I don't love him," Darkgaze managed, and it felt as if the words unblocked something deep in her. She'd never said them. She'd never said she loved him, not to him, not to anyone, but she'd never said she didn't, either.
Astertail had turned her head to look at her again. In the silver light, even with a heartbreaking expression on her face, she looked beautiful. Darkgaze didn't know what else to say. What could she? She tried, anyway: "Tomorrow, I'll-"
"Make me no promises," Astertail mewed, sounding far away, though she had not moved. "Well. Make me one. Tomorrow night, will you meet me again?" She didn't sound angry. She didn't even sound hopeful.
"Every night after that, if you'll meet me too," Darkgaze meowed. She stood up when Astertail took a step back, and then another, until her steps had turned her around and carried her away, deeper into Shaleclan territory. Darkgaze watched her go, a hollow, lost feeling in her stomach. Somehow it was worse than everything Shrewpelt had made her feel put together.
With the rising sun brightening the orange landscape, Darkgaze headed home.
A/N: Though it may have been obvious while reading, I'd like to reiterate that Rabbitstep, Astertail's father, is trans. He's able to give birth to kits, and did, but that doesn't make him any less male.