Darkgaze got back to camp and in her nest without any mishaps. She managed what felt like only a blink of sleep before she was woken up for a hunting patrol. She pulled herself, weary, out of the den, and then out of camp, telling herself that it was only one more step, just one more.
There were many one more steps that morning.
She was thankful when the hunting patrol went towards Cliffclan instead of Shaleclan. And she was thankful, most of all, that Shrewpelt had already been gone when she'd woken up. She spent the entire hunting patrol thinking, and didn't even have a lizard when she and the patrol headed back.
"I don't know what's wrong with you today," Smokestorm, the patrol leader, mewed to her on the way back, "But get it under control, okay?"
She nodded at him, familiar shame prickling under her pelt, and kept her head down. Spottedface, on her other side, nudged her with her flank. "You should talk to Sootfeather," she suggested in a wise tone. "That's what I do when I'm feeling down." A good option, for another problem, maybe.
Raincloud only gave her a small nudge with his muzzle. He never said anything, and Darkgaze suspected that would be the case even if he wasn't mute. Darkgaze lagged at the camp entrance. Larkwhisker, and then Merlinstar, would be informed of her failure; she'd get reprimanded, she knew, if either one of them were in too bad a mood. Maybe Smokestorm would tell them she'd seemed down, and they'd take pity. Maybe.
Maybe, maybe, maybe. There were many maybes in her life at the moment. Darkgaze was a little tired of them. She was turning to head inside the camp to get things over with when Shrewpelt popped out of the entrance. Darkgaze jumped, a surge of anxiety swamping her stomach at his happy face.
"I need to talk to you," she mewed, before he could say anything. She hadn't even known she was about to say it. She wished she hadn't. It was too late to take back the words now, though. He looked puzzled, but he let her lead him away from the camp.
"Is something the matter?" he asked in concern. Then, to her surprise, his tune changed. In excitement, he said, "Do you want kits?" The hope in his voice felt like she had fallen from Starclan's Eye, the highest peak in the territories. "I think we're ready, Darkgaze. I think-"
"No," she said. She must have been loud, because he flinched back. Her own voice sounded far away to her ears.
Uncertainly, he mewed, "Well, okay. Whenever you're ready is fine with me."
"No. I won't ever be ready. Not with you," she mewed. Everything seemed to rush back in at once. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. She had meant to be kinder, to let him down easy. But the words were sharp, cutting as easily as claws. "I don't want to be your mate anymore."
For a moment he didn't seem to understand. Then he folded in on himself, looking up at her with shock and hurt in his eyes. "Don't you love me?" he whispered so she could only just hear him.
"No," she said, and it felt like more of the block deep inside of her had crumbled. "I don't." What relief there could have been at the words was turned into dust by the cruelty of what she was doing.
Shrewpelt stared up at her a moment more, and then he turned. "Okay then," he mewed, words still small. "If that's how you want it." He stopped, cutting off his own movement and wavering on paws that had been interrupted. "Did you ever?" he asked, not looking at her.
"No," Darkgaze admitted. "I thought I could, given time." Her words sounded hollow to them both. This time, when Shrewpelt started to leave, he didn't stop. She watched him go, his tail dragging through the dust as he walked back to camp.
She couldn't bear to follow him, to see her clanmate's faces as they heard or realized what had happened. She'd go back eventually, before nightfall, but not yet. Instead she headed deeper into the Clan's territories, towards the Vale of Spirits.
Sacred ground. She'd feel better there, she told herself, in a place that was second only to the Moonclaw in being close to their ancestors. The journey there took long enough that her paws were tired and sore when she got there, but the sight was enough to make her forget.
The Vale was beautiful, and would have been amazing even if it wasn't sacred. It was a natural dip in the land, where rainwater collected more easily and turned the entire scape into a verdant swathe of life. It was no wonder a war had been fought over it, a long, long time ago.
But now it was sacred. No violence had been committed on it since the war, as far as anyone knew, and it would stay that way. The Vale wasn't just the sacred site where the Clans had been founded.. It was also where the dead of all four Clans were buried.
No one Clan could lay claim to the land. It belonged to the dead, and Starclan, and it would stay that way.
Darkgaze padded through the lush, green growth, trailing through plants that brushed against her sides until she found where her father was buried. She sat five tail-lengths from a dusty brown rock protruding above the grass, and sighed.
There were other cats here, but none of them paid much attention to her. They were there for their own reasons, and they respected hers. Still, Darkgaze kept her mew quiet. "Duskfang," she murmured, addressing her father's spirit. "What must you think of me?" She fell silent, pretending he was answering. She imagined him in front of her, his coat just a little darker than her own, his eyes the same shade of yellow. She couldn't picture any expression he might have. She wondered if he'd be angry at her. "I'm sorry," she whispered, not just to him, but to the whole of Starclan. She didn't love Shrewpelt, but she… She couldn't finish the thought. Not yet. It was too soon to know. She was only certain that the feelings in her heart weren't towards her ex-mate, and they would never be.
Darkgaze stayed only a little while longer. The Vale had done its job and calmed her down, even if only a little, and it was time to head back home. She left the Vale, casting only a last, cursory glance over the few cats remaining.
She didn't make it back to the camp before someone came to find her. "What are you thinking?" Hawkstripe mewed furiously when he found her. He was angrier than she had ever seen him, and it was genuinely surprising.
"I-I'm sorry?" she mewed, having no other ideas.
"You should be! Shrewpelt is so upset. Why did you leave him? He wouldn't tell me when I asked," Hawkstripe continued, lashing his tail. His ears were pinned back, and he was heartbeats from hissing.
They had a brief stare off. Finally, Darkgaze said, "I don't love him," and looked at the ground.
"Why not?" Hawkstripe mewed, sounding like he really couldn't fathom it.
And then, suddenly, something clicked in Darkgaze's head. "You love him," she realized, and it immediately seemed so obvious to her. Hawkstripe took a step back, thunderstruck.
"No," he meowed, unconvincingly.
"You do," Darkgaze continued, more sure of it than before. "That's why you're always so worried over our relationship. That's why you're so angry. But.. shouldn't you be happy we're not together now?" she added, puzzled.
Hawkstripe jerked away when she leaned toward him. "No," he insisted again. "He's my friend. I'm mad that he's upset." They were friends, yes, Darkgaze knew that, but he wouldn't be mad if that was the only thing. He might be concerned, yes, but..
She'd been so wrapped up in herself that she hadn't even noticed her own brother had fallen in love. Guilt and shame had so taken over her life that she'd completely failed at being a good sister. "I'm sorry," she mewed, genuine. "I should have been paying more attention."
Hawkstripe dipped his head. "I just wanted him to be happy," he said to the ground. "Even if it wasn't with me."
"I'm sorry," was the only thing Darkgaze could think to say. It seemed to be enough, because Hawkstripe let her lean her head against his shoulder. They stayed that way until the sun began to dip low in the sky, and then took the journey back home, together.
That night, Darkgaze felt oddly weightless, even as she broke the rules and snuck out to the border to meet with a Shaleclan cat. She supposed she should be more cautious, especially in the wake of her scolding by Merlinstar, but..
Astertail was waiting for her when she reached her destination. Darkgaze hadn't even known she was harboring the fear she'd be left alone until it was proven wrong, and the sight of her new friend swept away the anxiety that had been quietly fizzing in her stomach.
Astertail stood up as soon as Darkgaze came into view and took a half-step forward, just up to the border. Darkgaze stopped on her side and for a moment they said nothing. Then Astertail broke the silence with a sigh.
"It's good to see you," she mewed, the words a warm breeze in the cool night.
"And you," Darkgaze returned, sitting down.
Astertail tilted her head. "Something's different," she pondered. "Are you alright?"
"Fine," said Darkgaze, surprised. "I- Today was.. Well, everything's fine, for me."
"For you?" Astertail mewed, leaning forward a little. Her expression was the tiniest bit more open.
"I expect Shrewpelt isn't very happy," Darkgaze admitted, "Now that we're no longer mates." She watched Astertail's face for any reaction, but the Shaleclan cat only flicked an ear.
"That's too bad," she mewed, just the right amount of sympathy in her tone. She added, a moment later, "For him," and this time Darkgaze saw a small, pleased expression flit across her face. Darkgaze's tail flicked in time with the thrill that went down her spine.
Darkgaze dipped her head, warmth sparking pleasantly in her stomach, and gradually she and Astertail began to pick up where they'd left off the night before.