Chapter 16

March 1998

I couldn't find Tommy anywhere. During lunch, I had met up with Shane and he told me the news.
So, I got on the bus, and rode it over to his place, I ran as fast as I could to his house. He was sitting on the curb at the front, smoking a cigarette. I sighed.

I didn't know what to say. I had comforted him before, about Brendan, but this was something entirely different. His mom was gone and she was never coming back. He was alone, he had no one. What could I say? Nothing that came out of my mouth, would make his mom come back. I didn't sit beside him, I gave him the crumpled paper I had in my hand. He just stared at it, but didn't look at it.

"I'm so sorry about your mom, Tommy." I tried to hold back my tears. He wasn't crying and it was his mom who had just died for crying out loud. If he could be strong, I could too. I was quiet as I just stood there and waited. I took the paper from his fingers and read it out loud to him.

"Mo ghrá." I tried to pronounce the Gaelic word I had written, the same way his mom would.

"Remember, my love. That's us. That's what she used to call us."

He finally looked about at me, slight recognition in his eyes. Of course, he didn't forget. I finally sat down, but decided not to say anything. We didn't need words, there weren't any. I didn't need to comfort him, I just had to let him know that I was there and that I always would be.

Danielle's POV

"Tommy, I need to talk to you."

Brendan was staring at Tommy in a way that made me think I had interrupted them discussing something they were pretty heated about. I wondered if it had anything to do with me. Either way I'm sure Tommy was glad he didn't have to listen to Brendan any longer.

Slightly on edge, Brendan looked up at me. "Danielle can you give us a moment?"

"Yeah, of course - sorry." It's not like I knew exactly what I was going to say to Tommy anyway.

"No it's fine. We're done here." Tommy got up and was me leading past the living room, towards the door. We were now standing face to face by the front door.

"What is it?" All the eagerness he had to get away from Brendan, was replaced with a cold stare. Not from anger though, I could always tell with Tommy. It was hopefulness. He was waiting for me to say something important - like I always did when I told him I needed to talk.

I took a deep breath. "I wanted to let you know that - " Then, my cellphone rang. "Shit! I'm sorry. One second." I took my phone out of my pocket and answered. "Hello?" There was silence.

"Not again." I rolled my eyes and hung up. Then, I looked back at Tommy.

I thought about everything Tess had said. About how I should let him know I wasn't going anywhere. That I need to cut the bull crap and just be honest with him. We needed to be honest with each other and I would have to be the bigger person instead of ignoring the issues in our relationship. She said I need to get to know him more and I couldn't disagree with that. What exactly did I know about new Tommy? We have only been together for a month and it felt like longer, but still. Now was a good time to start. The good and the bad, I told myself. I had to know it all. The good and the bad, I repeated in my head.

"Look, What I mean to say, is that - " I began.

He looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue. He didn't say anything, but the look in his eyes. It was like he knew what was coming and that he couldn't wait to hear me say that I was here. He didn't look excited, but he had a calm, but desperate look on his face.

But I didn't say it. I was ready to - but then I froze.

"I'm so sorry, Tommy." I shook my head and his eyes flickered with confusion. "I have to go." I told him.

I quickly turned around and put my hand on the door knob, but he was holding my wrist.

"Dani, hold up for a second." I glanced behind at him for a second before proceeding to open the door. He released me, without a word.

I ran outside, the cold rain whipping against me as I did. I hadn't even noticed when it had started. I kept running until I got to my car. I didn't want him to see the tears falling from my face. I didn't want him to know that I wasn't the same girl I was as a kid. I was a coward.

The whole time I was driving I knew Tommy was in his car right behind me. At first, when I was walking away from him, he seemed calm, but I could tell that now he was furious. He would have a lot of questions for me. Like why I stopped him in the middle of his conversation with Brendan like I had some big announcement to make - only to chicken out at the last second.

How about why I was so scared to say it in the first place...

I got to my front door, unlocked it and left it wide open, knowing Tommy was just a few paces behind me. I walked into the living room and crossed my arms. I sighed. I didn't want to do this now. That's why I walked out in the first place, I was scared - but he just HAD to follow me.

"So now you're the one leaving." He stated.

I sighed turned around to face him. His jaw was clenched.

I shook my head. "I'm not -"

"Oh, yeah what do you call this then?" He was watching me intensely, but I just looked away. "Running out the goddamn house and having me chase after you.

"I don't know. I didn't want you to come after me." I shrugged. I wasn't saying goodbye or anything. I just couldn't explain it.

"So what you're too good for me now, is that it?"

I jerked my head up toward him. "How could you even say something like that?" I spat at him. "Is it because of Anna - what she said?" I hoped that what my sister said, hadn't got to him and changed his thinking about the way I felt about him. Then, I wondered if he'd been thinking it all along - way before she even brought it up. "I gave up a lot to be near you. I left my job in New York...my house... to move all the way down here." I told, him try to reassure him of how being with him was the only thing that mattered to me.

"Yeah, well who the fuck asked you to?"

I was taken aback. I thought he wanted to see me. I thought he wanted me to be closer to him. I thought he wanted to give us a shot.

"No one. No one asked me to. No one had to. I did what I did because back then, all I wanted was to be with you."

"Oh, so you wanted to be with me?"

"Yes. No - I didn't mean it like that. I just - I need time to think."

"To think about what - me?" He asked.

I answered, but at the moment, I wasn't sure. I crossed my arms."No about me. I'm the one with the issues. Not you."

"You sure about that?" He raised an eyebrow. "You know, your sister thinks - "

"Well, I don't care what she thinks. So, don't even bring it up."

"Why not, Dani? Everyone else wants to."

"It's just that I'm not sure about us - today - as adults and not kids. I thought I was or maybe I just kept telling myself was. But I've never been good with relationships - and this has nothing to do with what Anna said about you."

I didn't want to know about his past - or what happened when we went our separate ways. That was uncharted territory that I didn't want to just leap into. I was afraid that whatever I found out, I wouldn't like - and then suddenly the image I had of him would be ruined. And I couldn't - I couldn't ruin the old Tommy. Not now. He was my best friend. I loved him.

Maybe that was it - maybe we were better off as friends.

"Then just answer this?" He looked up at me, uncertain. "Are you scared of me?"

"No, of course not. Why would I be scared of you?"

He moved towards me. Too fast and it couldn't have been more than half a second, but, I did it. I flinched away. I couldn't help it. I averted my eyes. He stopped and took a step back. I looked up at him and he looked a bit hurt. Then it was gone.

"What was that then?" He asked.

"What Tommy?" I asked, though I knew what he was talking about.

"What you just did."

I sighed. "I - I didn't mean to." I said, not meeting his eyes. I didn't know what to say. I had always been a jumpy person ever since -

"Oh, you didn't mean to?" He asked.

"No." I looked at him. "What do you want me to say? I can't apologize for my reflexes."

"Some reflexes you got there."

"I'm sorry. You know what, Tommy? I changed my mind. You want to talk, let's talk. Right now."

Tommy shook his head. "You know what - I'm gone."

"No. You followed me here. Now, you're deciding to leave after you think you got the answer you were looking for - well you're wrong."

He kept walking.

"Fine, walk away, Tommy. That's what your best at."

"You started walking first." He turned and glared at me. "Remember that." He added, before turning to head out the door. He slammed the door and he was gone.

My head and my heart were pounding at the same speed and I needed to sit down. I slowly slouched down onto the couch. How could I be this stressed a little over a month of dating someone? Why did I even think I could do what Tess told me? That stupid "look me in the eye and tell me everything bullshit", I wanted no part of it.

Then, I realized that my fear couldn't have just have been because I'm scared of finding out too much about Tommy - things I didn't want to know. I was also scared of him finding out about me. That maybe he would realize that he didn't want the new me after all - That I was a fraud. A faker. That even with my nice job and nice house and everything else - that I was still broken inside. I pretend that I'm intelligent and better than that dumb teenage girl from Pittsburgh - but I'm not. And I make bad choices sometimes, choices I that I try to pretend never happened. At least Tommy knew who he was, but I'm a liar who pretends to have it together.

Right on time? Right on time my ass, I thought to myself.

Why did I let him leave? I never would have done that ten years ago. But maybe going after him would just make me a loser. Maybe this time I wanted him to do the chasing. If he truly wanted me, he was going to let me know. I'm tired of being the instigator. I made the move to get in touch with Brendan. I made the move to be closer to Tommy in Philly. I was making all the effort. What hurts me the most is that I know that if I hadn't looked Tommy up after seeing the fight, we probably wouldn't even be speaking now. Tommy never made the first move. He never said how he felt. When we were kids, He would throw the first punch, think of the first comeback - But when it came to me, he would always leave me hanging if I didn't reach for him first - and my arms were getting tired.

Now, he has me wondering if he even wanted me in the first place or if he was just settling for whatever was just in his reach. If I hadn't changed the channel one night and saw his face, I would be back in New York now. If I hadn't wanted him as much as I did, we wouldn't be together at all.

I could just be some other girl right now.

An hour later, I was fast asleep upstairs in my bed. I dreamt Tommy was in my bedroom. He was standing above my bed, just staring at me while I slept. Then he reached down and put a pillow on my face. He held it down until I couldn't breathe. He held it down until it killed me.

When I woke up the next morning, I could hear the floor creak and quiet footsteps that followed. I lifted up my head slowly and wiped away at my dried tears. "Tommy?" I croaked, softly. I cleared my throat as I got up slowly. I wondered if Tommy came back to so we could talk again?

I poked my head outside my bedroom door, but couldn't see anyone. I looked over the railing and down the stairs to see if he was down there. Maybe he wanted to give talking it out a second try - or maybe he wanted to say something else... I walked down the stairs and glanced around. I couldn't see anyone. I stopped in the kitchen and that's when I finally heard the footsteps again, coming from behind me. Then, they just stopped - and I knew something wasn't right.

I was about to turn around when I felt a sweaty palm clasp over my mouth. I froze. The other hand was thrown around me, holding onto tightly to my chest.
I opened my mouth to scream, but my mouth was forced shut.

"Don't make a sound," He whispered into my ear.

TO BE CONTINUED...

A/N:

In case you didn't know, Evangeline Lilly is my Danielle face-claim as of late. (No similarities to the character Kate on "Lost", she sucks. To be fair, I chose her way before I even saw Lost, which was not too long ago.) She has been my Dani ever since I made those gifsets with her. If you haven't seen them, they are on my tumblr page. Go take a look.

Anyway, I apologize in advance for what is about to happen next. :/ The Drama ensues.