Not Sick Chapter 5

Regrouping

It was unnerving, Kisame thought, the way that Itachi walked.

Itachi was unnerving in many ways, though Kisame (of course) never gave away that he found that his partner was extremely unnerving.

Itachi was a man who approached every situation with the same kind of ruthless pacifism: he and Kisame had crossed whole countries relying on his genjutsu to make them seem like nothing more than fickle ghosts or half-imagined daydreams to any that they had crossed.

Unless a fight was absolutely necessary, Itachi had steered away from it, and more than once he had kept Kisame from simply taking the easy option.

For Kisame, violence was always the easy option. He couldn't understand Itachi's casual distance from obstacles.

But when it became necessary, Itachi was the most vicious ninja that Kisame had ever had the pleasure of working with. And as a former member of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of Kirigakure, he had had the dubious honor of working with some of the most psychotic, sadistic, brutal murderers that the ninja world could produce.

Within that group, Kisame had been the best: more sadistic, more brutal, and more unpredictable. It was why he was the only one of his generation still alive.

And yet, Itachi made all of his former comrades seem like pathetic children, emulating what they had read in storybooks.

The Uchiha had ice running through his veins. He didn't fight men: he killed them. Kisame, better than anyone, knew the distinction. Itachi did not give his enemies the honor of single combat, or the thrill of knowing his name before they died.

He simply attacked. One look in his eyes, and the 'fight', as it was, ended. His opponents died before they even realized it had begun. The only epilogue was a slit throat or cremation.

Kisame had only seen this method fail twice in his time with Itachi. Once had been when they were in Kumo, the Land of Lightning. In the midst of gathering information on the Jinchuuriki of the Hachibi, a squad of patrolling Jonin had stumbled them upon.

The battle had been short, and Kisame would probably not have remembered it but for one detail: as he had struck a man down with Samehada, the blade chewing on the fool's shoulder as it bore him to the ground, he had looked up and seen Itachi face off with a rather tiny kunoichi.

They danced around each other for several moments, before the Kumo-nin had lunged, attempting to skewer Itachi on her katana.

Itachi had simply pointed at her, a simple movement of just two fingers, and she'd frozen, trembling. He'd stepped forward, a kunai palmed, reaching for her throat, and the woman had abruptly unfrozen and swung wildly for his head.

Itachi had ducked, but the backswing had taken him in the shoulder… and he'd exploded into a flock of crows. The next moment, the Kumo-nin's blade was in Itachi's hand.

As well as buried in her back.

The second time had been in Konoha, not long after. The incident had been eerily similar: a squad of pissed off Jonin encountered mid-recon, and a woman who had taken it upon herself to go up against Itachi alone: with genjutsu, of all things.

Foolish.

He'd turned her illusions back upon her, and gone for the killing blow.

But unlike the Kumo-nin, she had ducked the fatal strike, evading death by inches. She'd survived the rest of the battle as well, though perhaps only because he and Itachi had left due to the lack of any Jinchuuriki in the village.

Distantly, Kisame wondered what had happened to the woman with the striking red eyes. She had been good enough to survive Itachi: he doubted that she'd come up against a more deadly foe since him.

At any rate, Itachi was frequently unnerving. But at the moment, he was being far more so than he had ever been so before. Despite the fact that he had no eyes (that he had dug them out himself), he was navigating the forest as if he'd been born there. Kisame's assistance was apparently unnecessary.

Perhaps he had some sort of jutsu that mapped the area around him? That sounded like something Itachi would do: the man was usually prepared for nearly every contingency.

Kisame wouldn't ask. That would be betraying ignorance, and therefore weakness.

Even after all his time with Itachi, he had never been comfortable with revealing anything like that to the man. Perhaps ironically, the Uchiha had always reminded him of a shark, who would fall upon the wounded or lesser as soon as he smelled their handicap, despite his behavior to the contrary.

However, they couldn't just keep traveling in silence. Even Kisame couldn't handle that kind of tension. So he fell back on the only thing that he felt comfortable with in situations like this.

Humor. Or at least, what passed for humor from people who'd grown up in the Bloody Mist. In that, though Kisame didn't know it, in that he and Suigetsu were very much alike.

"So, Itachi," he said. Though he knew the Uchiha couldn't see him, he smiled anyway, a wide grin that revealed far too many inhuman teeth. He was sure that the eyeless man knew exactly what he looked like anyway. "Was it really necessary to be so… dramatic?"

Itachi just shrugged. Kisame took that as unspoken permission to continue. The Uchiha was like that; a conversation with him was always just as much small gestures and facial tics as words. Once, long ago, when Kisame had been attempting to figure his partner out, he'd theorized it was because the Uchiha had grown up talking to people with the Sharingan: dramatic facial expressions weren't needed when dealing with such powerful eyes.

Or maybe Itachi was just perpetually cold. Kisame couldn't exactly rule that possibility out.

"I mean, you just pulled them out, right in front of them. And at the end, 'You'll have to take them.'" He grinned. "Just so calm. Loved it, really. Probably traumatized the pink one, though. She was looking a little squeamish. I thought she might faint!" Kisame loudly snorted. "Some medic."

Itachi's silence continued. Kisame didn't really care.

"I have to ask: where'd you come up with that? I mean, earlier, when you were fighting Sasuke, were you thinking to yourself, 'How can I terrify my little brother's teammates? I know! I'll rip my eyes out in front of them! It's flawless!'" Kisame shook his head. "This is why I like traveling with you, Itachi. Always so entertaining," he said.

"Actually-" Itachi said. Kisame stopped. It was rare that the Uchiha actually reciprocated in this kind of game. "I didn't come up with it. My cousin did."

"Huh?" Kisame didn't see where this was going.

"Weeks before I killed my family, I found my cousin on the outskirts of the village. Or rather, he found me. His name was Shisui Uchiha, and he was one of the few in our clan's history who had unlocked the Mangekyō. His father was one of the rare men in the village that was truly respected by the Nidaime Hokage."

Itachi sounded almost wistful. "He was assassinated near the end of the Third War. An assassination that Shisui, despite his best efforts, failed to stop."

He paused, before shaking his head, dispelling old memories. "He was injured. His right eye was gone: stolen, he said. The Uchiha had been planning a coup for several months, one that would decapitate the leaders of the village and install us as its head. When he had failed to convince his own family to stop backing the coup, Shisui went to the one who would be the one to put it down: Danzō Shimura, a man with a private army of broken killers at his beck and call."

Itachi didn't turn to face Kisame: he just kept walking through the forest, his stride as steady as his voice. As Itachi spoke, Kisame just became more and more silent. He had never heard anything like this before.

"When negotiations there failed as well, Shisui became… desperate. He planned to use his trump card. The Kotoamatsukami: one of the most powerful genjutsu in existence, overpowering even my own Tsukuyomi." Itachi paused, and Kisame wondered why he was revealing this now. The idea of a genjutsu more potent than the Tsukuyomi was frankly terrifying.

"He intended to use it on my father. To convince him that it was not necessary for the coup to go forward. It was likely he would have failed, but he never got the chance. Danzō did not believe that peace with the Uchiha was possible. And so, Shisui was ambushed."

Itachi smiled for a moment. It chilled Kisame to the core. "Shisui was not a man inclined to violence, despite his proficiency in it. Danzō took advantage of that. He attacked him under the guise of a peaceful meeting, and ripped out his eye. Shisui fled, and found me. He knew that Danzō's men would be after him, and as he told me, he would not allow both his eyes to fall into that man's hands. So, he gave the other one to me."

There was a lull as Itachi maneuvered under a low-hanging tree branch, during which Kisame began to feel something that wasn't quite sympathy for his partner. He didn't know if he even could feel that anymore, but he was intimately familiar with the slow realization of betrayal, and this story reeked of it.

"Just as I did back there, he pulled it from its socket and handed it to me, without flinching. A true Uchiha: one who stepped off a cliff a moment later, leaving the village in my hands. That was the day I received my Mangekyō Sharingan, thanks to Shisui Uchiha. Since then, I have always hoped that I could repay him, in any way, for what he had done for me."

Itachi turned around, his empty sockets becoming apparent to Kisame. "The least I could do, I think, was experience what he did. It's a small thing, but every step counts when scaling such an obstacle."

"Uh…" Kisame really didn't know how to respond to that. "So, a memento then?" Itachi shrugged, seemingly completely without care.

"I suppose you could call it that," he said. "Though it also served as a rather effective message."

Kisame had regained some of his confidence. "Oh? And what message was that?"

Kisame could tell that, even without his eyes, Itachi was giving him an incredibly dry look. "Really, Kisame? I know you aren't as stupid as you act. Tell me: how do you think Konoha ninja, who for the past decade have heard little of me but horror stories of effortlessly decimated high-level ninja and entire clans slaughtered silently in the dead of the night, will react to tales of me removing my own eyes without hesitation? And to the fact that I have replacements, which might even be more powerful then my own?"

Kisame stood still, gazing at his partner. His smile, which had steadily slid away as he listened to the tale of Shisui Uchiha, spread back across his face. He began chuckling, a laugh that started out low and darkly amused and quickly escalated to near hysterics.

"Itachi, you're going to make someone shit themselves back in your village, you know that?" he said, trying not to double over with the force of his laughter.

All Itachi gave away was a wry smile that merely turned up a single corner of his mouth, but from him that spoke volumes. "Oh, I don't doubt it," he muttered, before turning and continuing on his way into the forest.

Kisame followed, still chuckling, wiping at one of his eyes. "Ripped his own eyes out!" he said in a mock falsetto. "They'll talk about you for years! They'll probably think you're crazy! Well-" he corrected, smiling even wider, "crazier than you already are."

"Do you really think that, Kisame?" Itachi asked, and there was something subtly different in his voice. Something hard. Kisame didn't backtrack, but, recognizing the new angle of the conversation, sharpened his concentration.

He snorted. "Of course you are, Itachi. You just ripped your own eyes out, and then gave them to your brother, a kid who hates your guts and would like nothing more than to see you dead. Not to mention, you just fought off "Pain-sama". So now you've got a homicidal sibling and a pissed-off god to worry about. I'm pretty sure they're going to have to redefine 'crazy' when it comes to you."

Itachi sighed, stepping over a fallen log. How was he doing that? "If that's the case, why are you still with me then, Kisame? Shouldn't you be heading back to Amegakure? Back to Madara?"

Kisame remained silent. They'd had this conversation before. Itachi continued. "He has what you want, after all."

"I want no part in that," Kisame said. His smile was gone once more. He wasn't angry; merely pensive. "A world of truth… heh." He shook his head slowly, a sad look in his beady eyes. "It's a nice thought, but it's impossible."

"Only impossible if you don't accept it," Itachi said. "You could be happy, Kisame. I would understand if you left me now. I wouldn't mind. I can make it to Tanzaku Gai on my own. I'm sure I could find someone there to take pity on a young blind man until Karin arrives."

There was that wry smile again. Itachi had shown more emotion in the last two days than Kisame had seen him express in all their years together.

Instead of making him seem more approachable, it had just made him more unnerving; it was out of character for the stoic Uchiha.

And when ninja began to act out of character, bad things were usually about to happen.

"You could even kill me now, and bring me to him. I'm sure that would make him happy," Itachi said.

The ex-Kiri ninja snorted. "I didn't come this far to just leave you now; or to kill you."

Silently, Kisame wondered if he even could kill Itachi, even crippled as he was now. He didn't doubt the Uchiha had made preparations. Though what those could possibly be, he couldn't say.

"And as for being happy…" Kisame trailed off. He really didn't know what to say to that.

What made him happy? Fighting excited him; killing enthralled him. The thrill of the hunt, that final sense of pursuit; the scent of blood, filled with panic and anger; the sound of gasps and screams. Could he spend the rest of his life like that, though? Moving from battle to battle? Could that even be called living?

Kisame didn't know. He'd fought all his life, and he suspected he'd fight for the rest of it, no matter how long or short that life turned out to be. He didn't know anything else but survival and combat.

"…I don't know," he finally said. "But that's not something I have to worry about now. Now, all I have to worry about is you being healthy enough to go through with your crazy, nebulous, suicidal plan."

Itachi nodded his head, a silent response, and continued into the forest. Kisame lagged slightly behind, lost in thought.

'Itachi… my life may have been a lie, but the Uchiha have always given me purpose. First Madara, and now you. I wonder: it that my life? To serve the Uchiha clan, is that the point of my existence?'

…

'I don't know. I'm not sure I want to, either. But I do know this. I won't betray you, Itachi. You're different: you are not like my comrades in the past. You're forging your own path, and I'd like to see where it leads. I may have been known as Kirigakure's "Monster of the Mist"… but it seems I'm not so terrible after all.'

'I'll follow you, Itachi. Until the end.'

"So let me get this straight."

"Okay."

"Right. So, Pain hit you with his jutsu, which basically broke every bone in your body."

"Right."

"Then the Kyuubi healed you, but instead of taking over your mind it just yelled at you to get up and fight. Which you did. Without its help.

"Yep."

"And then, because of the strain put on your body by the fox healing you, not to mention everything you'd gone through before that, Pain managed to defeat you despite the fact that he couldn't use one of his arms, or his jutsu."

"Well, uh, when you put it like that-"

"But Hinata showed up, and managed to nearly defeat Pain by herself, taking heavy damage, before another body showed up and took her down as well."

"Yeah! It was-!"

"And then, Itachi showed up, fought him to a standstill, forced him to retreat, didn't try to kidnap you, and collapsed. After which both you and Hinata passed out."

"Uh-huh. But I totally didn't mean to-"

"Then when you woke up, everyone was back here, and Itachi was awake. And then, Kisame Hoshigaki showed up, who also didn't try to kidnap you, before leaving just as quickly and coming back with Sasuke."

"Yeah. And then-"

"Itachi placed a genjutsu on him, compelling Orochimaru, who had survived inside Sasuke's body, to burst out, after which Itachi killed him, leaving Sasuke unharmed and free of Orochimaru's influence."

"Which was freaking-"

"And then, finally, before leaving, Itachi dug out his own eyes, handed them to Sakura, and left with Kisame?"

"Pretty much. He told her that Sasuke would know what to do."

"…"

Kakashi didn't know if this was just the best day of his life, or just the strangest. Best, because he, his team, and several other Konoha ninja had gone up against the leader of Akatsuki, and not a single one of them had died.

Everyone (except for Naruto, of course) had at least one or two broken bones. Hinata wouldn't be able to move without assistance, as would Shino. Sakura, Sai, and Yamato would probably have chakra exhaustion for a couple days, and as for himself, he just wanted to sleep for a week.

But they were all alive.

It was a miracle, and not a minor one, either. If Pain really was a god, there was an equally powerful one watching over them.

So, any way he looked at it, today had been a really, really good day. But on the other hand-

"Oh, and I barfed up a crow," Naruto said, his face twisting in disgust.

Kakashi closed his only visible eye. He almost didn't want to know. Eventually, a slow, wary "What?" emerged from his mouth, like a timid animal checking outside its den.

"Yeah. It was pretty nasty. Weird thing, though: it had a Sharingan. Itachi said it was a Katoatsumayumi or something like that. He said he might need it."

"Kotoamatsukami, Naruto. He called it the Kotoamatsukami," Sakura chided, running her hands over Hinata's side. The Hyuuga had suffered not-insignificant internal damage in her fight with Pain, and she winced with every pass. Slowly though, the pain was becoming dull.

Naruto snapped his fingers. "Right! That's it! Good memory, Sakura! I wonder what it does…" he murmured, looking off in the direction Itachi and Kisame had been.

The dust cloud was slowly settling, but visibility was still exceptionally poor: none of the Konoha ninja could see more than two hundred feet except for Hinata, but she was too low on chakra to use her Byakugan.

"Something bad, if Itachi wanted it," Sakura replied, refocusing on Hinata. After the fight, the dark-haired girl had quieted down: apparently, she was done being extroverted for the moment. Now, she seemed content with stealing glances at Naruto as he scanned the dust cloud.

Sakura sighed. Apparently, despite what the events of the day, some things hadn't changed. It was kind of gratifying, actually. The idea of a Hinata that was bold was… unnerving.

"Hey, come on Sakura, that's not fair. He saved Hinata and me. Without him, we'd be…" Naruto trailed off, then shrugged. "Well, it wouldn't be good."

"Yeah. He saved you, Naruto," Sakura said, finally finishing with Hinata, who gave a soft "thank you" as she got back to her feet and wandered over to Kiba, who was wincing every time he took a breath. "And he also killed his entire family. And took Sasuke's eyes."

"Yeah. But then he gave us his! I mean, that's got to mean something! He said to ask Sasuke when he woke up. Maybe we should…" Naruto turned to the Uchiha, who was still lying on the ground, completely unconscious.

His breathing was even, but the dried blood on his face made him seem more damaged than he was.

"No." Kakashi interrupted, breaking from staring at the ground and trying to figure out the bizarre events of the day. He'd worry about them later. "We're not waking him up till we're back in the village. Sakura, he needs time to rest, right?"

The pink haired girl nodded, biting her lip. "Right. And anyway," Kakashi glanced at the insensible Uchiha, "I don't want to give him another chance to run for it. Even without eyes, it would be trouble to catch him."

"Oh come on Kakashi-sensei. Sasuke wouldn't-" Naruto tried to interrupt, but Kakashi turned and stared at him, and Naruto suddenly realised that Sasuke would. He'd run before, and besides his new handicap there wasn't much keeping him from running again: particularly after his brother had beaten him so soundly.

Perhaps it actually would be better to just keep him out of the way until they were in Konoha.

"Well then, why did Itachi save us?" he said, moving back to what Sakura had said. The last hour had severely changed his beliefs about Itachi Uchiha. He didn't know what to think of the cold man now, who apparently sought world peace; and who believed that Naruto was one who could bring it about.

Who, nevertheless, had burned a man to death without hesitation, and stolen his younger brother's eyes.

Sakura shrugged, a motion that betrayed her exhaustion. "Who knows?" she said. "Maybe he just wanted you to owe him something. Or maybe even he doesn't want that man's insane plan carried out." She shivered. "Honestly, how can he believe that? How would killing so many people possibly bring peace?"

Kiba spoke up, no longer wincing with every breath: Hinata had at least enough chakra to help him with that. "The guy's name was Pain, Sakura. I doubt he's especially reasonable. I mean, he was some sort of crazy body-jumping maniac. His eyes were purple. What more do you want?"

"That coming from someone whose sensei has red eyes. Come on, Kiba, odd eye colors don't necessarily mean insanity," Sakura said.

Kiba waved her off. "Kurenai-sensei doesn't count. She's a girl."

Sakura froze, slowly turning to look at Kiba, who had suddenly gone just as still, his instincts screaming at him that he had just wandered into extremely dangerous territory.

"And what does that mean?" she said, sounding unreasonably calm.

Kiba twitched, one of his eyes developing a sudden tic. "Uh, well… 'cause all girls are already-"

Sakura still had a sprained ankle, several ribs that were only mostly healed, and the rest of her body was covered in bruises and scrapes. Nevertheless, less than a second later Kiba was laid out on the ground, a vivid red handprint extremely visible on his face, and Sakura was standing over him, shaking one of her hands out.

Akamaru whined, but didn't do anything to defend his partner.

"…Anyway," Kakashi said, seemingly ignoring his student's bout of probably-justified violence, "we should get out of here. Now. We don't know where Sasuke's team is, and they could have avoided the fight entirely. If they come here fresh, we might be in trouble."

Naruto nodded, and walked over to Sasuke as the rest of the team made their way to their feet (including the still-stunned Kiba, who was helped up by Shino). Naruto bent down and slung the Uchiha over his shoulder, unknowingly imitating how Itachi had carried his little brother away from the recently destroyed Uchiha bunker.

He turned back to the group, an enormous smile on his face, and gave a thumb up. Might Gai would have been envious of the enthusiasm in the motion.

"Alright then!" the Uzumaki said, the light of the setting sun behind him throwing his bright hair into sharp contrast.

"Let's go!"

"Not so fast."

There was a rumbling voice, and the entire group turned to find a tall man with bright orange hair striding towards them. Kakashi recognized him as one of the members of Sasuke's new team: he hadn't caught his name before the fighting had started, however.

The settling dust had concealed his approach, and now he was only thirty feet away from the Konoha ninja.

Kakashi took stock of his own injuries. Chakra exhaustion. Shallow shoulder wound. Sprained wrist. Without Sakura, it would have been far worse. At any rate, he'd fought in conditions far more painful before; the rest of the group, probably not.

Yamato was out as well. His Mokuton wouldn't be of any help here: he was way too low on chakra. So was Sai, for that matter, even if the pale boy wasn't occupied carrying the body of the seemingly deceased Pain. If this man was here to reclaim Sasuke, then-

"I'm here for Sasuke," the man said.

Ah. That was that then.

"Like hell we'll let you take him!" Naruto yelled, swinging around even with Sasuke on his shoulder, causing the Uchiha's head to sway. "We didn't come this far just to let someone-"

"I'm not here to take him," the man said, his voice quiet.

"Huh?" Naruto quieted down as well, just watching the man with wary eyes.

The man shook his head, a gentle movement, and as he spoke he drew closer to Naruto, eventually coming to within several feet of him. "I'm not here to take Sasuke. I'm just here for him. It would be dangerous for me not to be."

"Dangerous?" That was Sakura again: she'd always been naturally curious. "Why?"

"Two reasons: one, if I'm not, I might just kill all my teammates." The man spoke without emotion, and Sakura drew back a little. Why did her questions always get such dangerous answers?

The orange-haired man continued, used to such reactions. "Two," and here his mouth turned up in a humorless grin, "if I don't go with Sasuke than Itachi Uchiha will kill me, my teammates, and then his brother. So it seems like the best thing to do."

Kakashi stared at the man, measuring him. His Sharingan may have been covered, but he was still a veteran Jonin: reading body language was second nature to him. And everything about this man screamed sincerity.

"Well, uh…" Kakashi said. The man understood his intent, and responded. "Juugo," he said. Now Kakashi had a name to go with the face. "Well Juugo, what do you mean by that?"

"The first or second part?" Juugo responded, a rather deadpan expression on his face.

"Both, preferably." Kakashi was just as deadpan.

"Well, the first reason is because I have a curse, you see. It causes me to go crazy and kill everyone around me." The tall man said, sounding far too reasonable for what he was saying. "Sasuke is the only one who can keep me calm. Something about his chakra stabilizes me."

Kakashi smiled, his only visible eye turning up. "Well, that's good. We wouldn't want any insane rampages on the way back to Konoha, would we?" He sounded totally carefree. All of the other Leaf shinobi paled. Not even Naruto and Sakura could tell if their sensei was being serious or not.

"The second reason," Juugo continued, "is because about ten minutes ago, Itachi Uchiha saved the life of one of my comrades and then told her that she would meet him somewhere in three days time, that she would bring my other comrade with her, and that I would go to Sasuke and travel back to the Village Hidden in the Leaves with him."

Juugo scratched his chin, frowning. "And he said that if we didn't do this, he would kill all of us, slowly, painfully, and repeatedly, and then he would do the same to Sasuke."

He paused, looking thoughtful. "He probably could have just said that: Karin cares even more about Sasuke than I do."

"You weren't there when she met with him?" Kakashi asked.

"No. I was unconscious. That jutsu that did... this," Juugo said, gesturing at the wasteland surrounding the group. "I barely managed to survive it. Karin told me when I woke up. Then she healed me and sent me here. It's my job to make sure Sasuke is safe, and that he makes it back to Konoha." The big man shrugged. "Beyond that, I honestly don't care what you guys do. I just think it's best for me to be around Sasuke."

"…Huh. Where was Itachi going to meet her?" Kakashi was fishing for information. Knowledge of Itachi Uchiha's whereabouts in a couple days time would be extremely valuable.

"She didn't know, except she did. I don't know how: Itachi did something to her with his eyes, apparently. She just knew that she had to meet him somewhere, and that I had to get back to Sasuke. So I did; now I'm here."

Kakashi just stared at Juugo, his mind whirling. He couldn't decide if this was a trap or if Sasuke truly had a teammate that cared enough for him to simply follow him back to the village. Juugo saw his stare. "I understand if you don't trust me. In fact, I expected it. Nevertheless-"

"What are you talking about?" Naruto spoke up once more, his voice filled with just as much sincerity as Juugo's. "You say that you're Sasuke's friend, and that's good enough for me! Any friend of Sasuke's is a friend of mine!"

Juugo looked at the blond, a confused look on his face. "What about Orochimaru?"

Naruto just waved him off, a careless look on his face. "That doesn't count. Sasuke killed him." He frowned, then grinned. "Well, kinda. Anyway, he wouldn't do that to a friend, right?"

Deep inside Naruto, something cracked, but he ruthlessly suppressed it, crushing the dissenting voice that was yelling, 'Yes he would, he tried three years ago,' underfoot like an eggshell.

"So!" he said, a bright smile on his face concealing the turmoil inside him. "Want to carry him? The bastard's gotten pretty heavy!" He handed the Uchiha off to Juugo, who took the body as if he were handling something made of porcelain.

Seeing such a large man act so delicately made Naruto want to laugh, but he held it in: he liked Juugo, even though he'd only met him three minutes ago. There was just something about him.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't call him that," Juugo said, his voice a little quieter.

Naruto's smile dimmed a little, but he maintained most of his enthusiasm. "Yeah. Okay."

He turned back to Kakashi, who was watching Juugo with a look that very clearly stated that he was officially being watched. Not out of overt suspicion: that was just how ninja operated.

You didn't let an unfamiliar face into your group right away, particularly when that face had probably been experimented on by Orochimaru and apparently occasionally flew into killing rages.

Naruto saw the look in his sensei's visible eye, but ignored it.

"So!" he said again.

"Can we go now?"

"Karin?"

"Yes?"

"Why the hell are we walking away from where Sasuke is?"

Karin sighed. "Do we really have to have this conversation again, Suigetsu?" She was striding south, into the forest. Suigetsu was held in her palms, a couple pounds or so of extremely dense water that had taken on the appearance of the belligerent teen's face.

As they walked, a steady stream of water collected around them, trailing after Karin's heels. It was like a mobile river.

"Maybe," Suigetsu said, his voice burbling. "I just don't get why we're cutting and running like this. I doubt those Leaf ninja are in better shape than us. They're gonna take Sasuke back to Konohagakure, remember? You really want that to happen? We should head back and-"

"Of course I don't!" Karin snapped, and Suigetsu shut up for the moment. "But we don't really have a choice, do we? Do you want to be killed by Itachi Uchiha? Do you want him to kill Sasuke?"

"You know I don't," the head burbled. "I don't think anyone's stupid enough to want that. But I think he might be bluffing about that. Why else would he need you? He must have been more hurt than he looked."

Karin paused. Suigetsu might have been right. Itachi Uchiha, from what little she knew of him, was a master of composure: he could have easily been hiding a debilitating injury. However…

"No, I don't think that's it." She said, staring off into the distance, thinking hard about Sasuke's older brother. "It's not just him being hurt. If that were the case, he wouldn't need someone like me. I think…"

She paused, trying to pull her thoughts together. "I think it has something to do with Sasuke's eyes."

"Huh?" Suigetsu said intelligently.

"I've been thinking about it. You saw Itachi's eyes, right?" Karin asked.

If Suigetsu had been more than a head, he would have shivered. He'd seen Itachi's eyes, all right. They'd been like chunks of ice stuck in the man's head, obsidian flint that stared and judged, that sucked in all light and reflected nothing. In other words, they'd been fucking creepy.

But they'd also been greying in some spots, milky in others, and there had been some significant cataracts along the edges. They had been the eyes of an old man, not a twenty-something year old.

"Yeah. I saw them. They looked a little… strange. Old," Suigetsu said, trying to respond respectfully. He wasn't sure he'd be able to pull himself together again if Karin punched his puddle apart at the moment.

"I was thinking the same thing." Fortunately, the redhead was apparently lost in thought: she probably wouldn't hit him right now. Karin rubbed at the recent bite-mark on her shoulder, which was still dribbling a bit of bright blood. "There was something wrong with them. They seemed damaged."

"So?" Suigetsu was getting impatient. And uncomfortable: spending so long as a puddle got disconcerting after a while. A lack of defined sensation, of shape, became freaky no matter how many times it happened.

"So, he took Sasuke's eyes. That's not something he would do unless he had a reason. If he just wanted to be cruel, he could have just removed some limbs," Karin said, her face twisting in distaste at the thought of Sasuke losing limbs to his older brother.

"He was pretty prideful about his eyes," Suigetsu pointed out. "Maybe he was just trying to humiliate him. Take away what he found important." Suigetsu knew all about that. More than enough: Mangetsu had taught him everything he knew about degrading an enemy, and Mangetsu had been a master of assassination techniques.

Nothing was as degrading as being killed without having a chance to fight back.

Karin shook his head. "No, that's not it. He had the eyes preserved, in that jar. He would have just destroyed them if he wanted to hurt Sasuke. I think-" she paused. "I think that Itachi is going to replace his eyes. With Sasuke's."

"What?!"

"Well… they're brothers, so genetically, they're probably compatible. They both have pretty powerful Sharingan, as well: I know for a fact that Sasuke was starting to become just as proficient as Itachi when it came to doujutsu. It was all Orochimaru would talk about whenever he visited. So it stands to reason… that Sasuke took his brother' eyes so he could use them."

As she spoke, Karin began to look more and more disturbed: she hadn't considered the full meaning of her words until she'd said them out loud.

Suigetsu just stared up her from her hands, his features vanishing as the water swirled of its own violation. The swishing made a sound that sounded a lot like a sentence.

"That's fucked up. You're fucked up for thinking it up. And Itachi…" he paused as Karin looked down at him with growing anger. "Itachi is just fucked up enough for that to really be his plan. Goddamn. If I knew all Uchiha were so bent, I probably would have-"

"Just shut up!" Karin yelled, and tossed the water to the ground in front of her, where it quickly rejoined the mass of chakra imbued liquid that had been following her. As she did, it made a sound that sounded infuriatingly like a raspberry.

Karin growled and kicked at the water as it reformed, but it was pointless: within five seconds, Suigetsu stood there, looking as if he'd never been scattered over a mile or so of dusty wasteland.

He cracked his back, which she knew to be an imitation meant to annoy her and nothing more: the Hozuki didn't actually have a spinal cord, after all.

"Ah," he said, sounding satisfied. "That's so much better. Thanks, Karin," he said with a smile full of sharp teeth. "Now, where did it land…" he muttered, turning around and wandering north. Karin huffed and followed him.

"Where did what land?" she asked, still irritated.

"My sword!" Suigetsu said, a whine in his voice. "I lost it when that jutsu hit me. I know it's somewhere around here: there's still a bit of me attached to it."

"It's just a stupid sword, Suigetsu. Come on. We have to get going," Karin said, turning back towards the forest.

Suigetsu turned around. His expression was uncharacteristically flat. Karin stride faltered, and she stared at him.

"We're getting my sword." He said, and then kept moving away from the forest, northward. Karin sighed and followed him. As they walked, she planned.

They had a long trip in front of them, and Itachi was waiting at the end of it. Itachi, who still had working Sharingan eyes.

Itachi, who was Sasuke's older brother, and therefore genetically compatible.

Itachi, whose eyes would serve just as well as substitutes for Sasuke as Sasuke's would for him.

Oh yes. Karin had a lot of planning to do.

Guarding the gates of Konoha could be called a lot of things.

Boring was one of them. Interminable could be another. If one wanted to use stronger language, then "fucking mind-numbing" would work quite well.

It wasn't a job for the faint of heart; there wasn't much a ninja found worse than having to sit in place, for six. Whole. Hours. It was enough to drive most men and women mad.

Kotetsu Hagane and Izumo Kamizuke weren't most men. They were, in fact, two of the most accomplished and least ambitious chūnin that Konoha had seen in a long time. Which was why when they were not tagging along on A-rank missions they were, more often than not, guarding the gates of Konoha.

They had to have something to do, after all.

Guarding the gates, despite its implications, was not a very important job. No enemy ninja worth their hitai-ate would ever attempt to get into the village through such an obvious entrance.

So, any ninja posted there would spend their shift watching civilian traders, genin, and other chūnin enter and exit the village; and when you've seen one team of squabbling, brightly dressed children with an exhausted sensei blow past you, you've seen them all.

So, whenever Kotetsu and Izumo did gate duty, they tended to either play cards or simply chat in-between bouts of watching the people who passed them. They often made a game out of it, guessing occupations, personal dramas, and other such intimacies.

As they were doing now.

"She's looking for her long lost brother," Izumo said, glancing at a tall woman with flowing black hair who swept past them, doing her best not to look hurried and barely succeeding. "He was a fisherman's son, and when he was young he saw a skirmish and decided then and there he would be a ninja. So his family sent him off, but now his sister's come to find him. The family needs money, and they're hoping he has some."

"Nah," Kotetsu said, leaning back and idly scratching at the bandages around his noise. "That's not it; not money problems. Look at her. That's a nice dress. I bet she was engaged to some merchant when she was young, and she's here to meet him for the first time."

Izumo turned to look at his friend. "Really?" he said. "Arranged marriage? Seriously?"

"Says mister 'Fisherman's Son'."

"It's just… why do you always say that it's an arranged marriage?" Izumo asked, shaking his head.

"I don't!" Kotetsu indignantly said. "Where'd you get that idea?"

"Oh, I don't know. It's just that every single woman that passes us is apparently here to get engaged, or they already are. What's up, Kotetsu? Marriage on the mind?" Izumo asked, idly tracking the woman as she walked deeper into the village. She really did have a nice dress, among other things.

"No!"

"Tch. Of course. Who would marry you, anyway? I'm sure you have so many prospects," Izumo laughed.

"Hey! It could happen!" Kotetsu acted hurt, but they'd had this conversation many times before: by now, the whole thing was just another routine.

"Yeah. Keep dreaming. Okay, wait: I got this one," Izumo pointed to an older man, with grey hair and broad shoulders. He was probably about fifty, but he looked quite strong for his age. "He's… he's a writer."

"A writer? What gives you that idea?" Kotetsu asked, staring at the man as he slowly made his way into the marketplace just off of the main entryway.

"Dunno. He makes me think of a writer, though. I bet he's here to see if his new book bombed or not. He's written a bunch, but he's sure this newest one is the best." Izumo sounded quite sure of himself. Kotetsu found himself nodding along with him.

"Yeah, yeah. He tries to write these epic dramas, but they always come out sounding too fancy. So with this latest one he's dumbed it down a little. He's hoping more people will like it. Then he can write what he really wants to," he said, staring intently as the man vanished into the crowd. Izumo turned to glance at him.

"Where'd that come from?" he asked.

"Oh, uh, I guess…" Kotetsu said, rubbing the back of his head. "I don't know. It was just there." He grinned. "You know, this is the first time in a while we've agreed on someone," he said.

Izumo just kept staring at him.

"Have you started your book yet?" he asked.

Kotetsu paused for a second, before relaxing and leaning back in his chair again. His hands began to brush against the bandage wraps on his face: a nervous tick he'd had since he was a genin.

He didn't enjoy discussing his idea of writing a book with Izumo: it always just reminded him of how much work the process would be, and how little of that work he had done. "Nope. But I'm gonna get around to it. Just as soon as I know what I want to write."

"You've been saying that for like a year, man. You should just write it. Get it out of your head." Izumo said, trying to sound casual.

"It's… it's not that easy." Kotetsu responded, shaking his head. "I mean, I know what I want to write, I just can't get it to-"

"Kotetsu. Come on. Trust me. The sooner you start, the better. I mean, you should probably finish it. Just in case." Izumo said, his casual façade beginning to break a little.

Kotetsu turned, his hands no longer playing with his bandages. "What do you mean, 'just in case'?" he said. Now he was the one trying to sound casual.

"Nothing," Izumo said, trying to backpedal. Kotetsu was having none of it.

"Bullshit," he flatly stated. "What do you mean, 'just in case'? What're you thinking?"

Izumo hesitated, before sighing. "It's just… it's nothing. But ever since that mission with Asuma…"

"Ah," Kotetsu said, sounding a little uncomfortable. He knew exactly what Izumo was talking about. The last mission they had been on with Asuma had ended with the jōnin's death. "What, you're scared of dying now?"

Izumo shrugged. "Not that dramatic. Just more… aware, you know?" he said, pausing with a thoughtful look. "I mean, we're still just chūnin, and, well, Asuma was Asuma. He was the Sandaime's son, he was in the Twelve Guardian Ninja; he was training the new Ino-Shika-Chō formation, too. He was a freaking badass."

Izumo shrugged again, unable to hide his discomfort. "And still, that Akatsuki guy took him out like it was nothing. And all we could was watch."

Kotetsu frowned. "That's not fair. We were fighting that other one. If-"

Izumo interrupted him with a small laugh. "You couldn't seriously call that a fight, could you? He was playing with us: if he'd wanted us dead, we'd have been dead. I think he just wanted to see if Asuma could kill his ass of a partner." He chuckled, a bitter sound. "Surprise. He couldn't."

Izumo slumped down while Kotetsu watched him. He hadn't known that his friend had felt this way at all.

"Izumo…"

"What?" The other chūnin turned his head slightly towards his friend.

"You're being an idiot."

Of all the things Kotetsu could have said, that was probably the last thing Izumo had expected.

"Huh?" Well, that sounded intelligent.

"Come on. Be serious. We're shinobi, man. It's not really a job you go into expecting to live forever." Kotetsu looked almost angry now.

"Wait-"

"So Asuma bit it. Yeah, it's sad. But you know what? His students didn't sit around afterwards angsting about how their sensei was dead. They went out there, a week later, and they killed the bastard who'd done it. Hell, I heard the Nara did it by himself. That's being a shinobi. Not-" he swept his arm towards Izumo, "starting to think you should have your affairs in order because maybe the next mission will be your last. I mean, that's barely living. Besides…"

And now he smiled, "You really think you're gonna die with me there? Hell no! So long as we stick together, that'll never happen."

Izumo just stared at his oldest friend. "Kotetsu…" he said.

"Yeah?"

"You really don't want to write that book, huh? You should put that in there: it was pretty good, for a dumbass," Izumo said with a small smile.

Now, Kotetsu was the one chuckling. "Pfft. Like anyone would read that. No way. Plus, wouldn't that be making myself the main character? Can't have that," he laughed.

Izumo put his hand to his chin, acting as if he were thinking deeply. "Yeah, you're right," he said, seemingly coming to a conclusion. "No way would you be the main character. A supporting guy, maybe. You'd pop up every once in a while and do something stupid. Every good story needs a couple of them."

"Hey!" Kotetsu said cheerfully, the gravity of their previous conversation completely forgotten. "If that's me, then you'd be my sidekick. You'd be way too serious all the time: that'd be your routine. You would always follow me around and nag me."

"What! Why do I have to be the nagger?"

"Admit it. You'd be perfect for the part."

"I don't nag!"

"Yeah? What about that escort mission a week ago, with the old VIP? You were always like-"

Whatever Izumo had been like on that mission a week ago never left Kotetsu's mouth. At that moment, there was a puff of smoke, a whoosh of displaced air, and a small green toad appeared on the road in front of the gate. It sat there for a moment, before croaking loudly. Then, it opened its mouth wide.

Kotetsu and Izumo stared.

A hand, scuffed and bleeding, shot from the mouth and grabbed the ground, digging into the dirt with an iron grip. A soaked, bedraggled body followed, pulling itself out of the toad's mouth in a lunging movement.

It wore a light beige uniform with an underlying mesh, with a torn red vest hung over the rest of the outfit. When the man was entirely out of the toad's mouth, he flopped to the ground, gasping, facing up towards the sky.

His left arm abruptly ended about half a foot above where the elbow would have been, blood slowly seeping from the ragged amputation. His body was covered in small puncture wounds, scrapes, and bits of torn cloth.

His remaining arm looked like it had been severely burned.

The man let out a relieved breath, a long, low sound, and turned his head to look at Kotetsu, who gazed back, eyes wide over his bandages.

'No way.'

"Hey," Jiraiya of the Sannin said. "Could you go tell the Hokage I've returned from my recon?"

He smiled, an enormous, shit-eating grin that made his face seem twice as wide, and blood dribbled from between his teeth.

Then he passed out.

Congratulations on finishing Not Sick's shortest, and least exciting, chapter yet. Shout outs to Almost Electric, for pushing me to get this done, Rosebunse, for reviewing every chapter so far, and Ekusukallybaa, my fantastic beta who, as always, has immeasurably improved this story with his mere presence.

Sorry about the long wait, as well. New Years, you know. Crazy family time for all.

Fun Fact:

Apparently, a cubic foot of water weighs somewhere around sixty pounds. Suigetsu is 5'10 and 125 lbs.

In other words, either water influenced by chakra is really, really light (unlikely, considering how many people use it as a weapon), Suigetsu's hollow (which would actually kind of make sense, considering his tendency to fall apart when hit), or Kishimoto can't do math. It's probably the third one, since that has the most precedence. All of the ninja in Naruto are oddly light like that. Kakashi is a fully-grown man edging into six feet who can punch holes in trees and he apparently weighs less than 150 lbs (67.5 kg, if your not using the backasswards American system). That's weird.

Now, you know the drill. Leave a review if you liked the chapter and are feeling inspired. Favorite the story if you want others to read it. Follow it if you want to as well.

Thanks for your support.
Serendipity, out.