This chapter was absolutely enthralling me so I worked on it for most of the day. It is long, so be prepared. Hope you enjoy! :)
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Ch. 29-If ever I would leave you
Raphael was well into his last day. He'd really put all of his focus and skill into training this morning. When he'd first arrived in the dojo Master Splinter had seemed surprised to see him.
Splinter was wise enough to realize that Raphael's plans must have somehow been delayed. After training the old rat pulled his second son aside. As the other turtles left the dojo, Master Splinter and Raphael simply stared at each other. As soon as everyone was gone the rat father turned to his son and pulled the young turtle into a tight hug. "My son." Splinter murmured, clinging to his second son as though he couldn't bare letting him loose, even for a second.
"Father I—I wish that we could have had more time. There's…there's so much I've never been able to tell you. So may things I wanted to share. I—"
"I know, my child. I know." Splinter said, barely holding back his tears. The old rat stepped back and looked down into those beautiful bright green eyes. "Raphael, the loss of one of my sons would destroy me." He whispered quietly. The mutated rat had both hands on his son's shoulders. In fact, this was one of the rare moments where Splinter allowed himself to show his true concern in front of one of his sons. "Losing Miwa was difficult enough…but you must attempt to understand, my child." One four-fingered hand reached up to cup the side of Raphael's face. "I raised you myself, Raphael. I watched you and your brothers grow from infants to teenagers. I know the four of you so well. I love each and every one of you so much." The father looked straight into his hotheaded son's eyes. "I expect you to return to us, Raphael."
Raph's bright green gaze stared directly into Splinter's soft brown ones. "I intend to." He whispered beneath his breath.
Splinter nodded and squeezed Raphael's shoulder gently. Raphael smiled and bowed respectfully to his father before heading out of the dojo.
Splinter watched him go. Pride swelled in the old father's heart. Raphael was no longer a child. He had grown into a remarkable adult. He was no longer the delicate little turtle who clung to Splinter's robes. Those innocent neon green eyes had matured into pools of such depth and sagacity. Turbulent green pools swirling with intense emotions. Raphael was no longer his. The turtle was his own man now. He no longer needed a father to protect him.
Raphael was all grown up.
When Raph emerged into the main room he found his brothers sprawled out on the couch. Midori sat right smack in the middle of them holding the television remote. She turned straight to the old music channel.
The other turtles looked at each other. Leo jumped to his feet and offered her a hand. "May I have this dance?"
Midori smiled and took the offered hand graciously. They moved over to the side where there was space as the songs changed. A new song began and they started to dance. The title caught Raphael's attention: If Ever I Would Leave You. He watched with glazed over eyes as Leo and Midori danced. She was smiling widely. Raph smiled. Then as the singer began Raph's mind was suddenly drawn to the lyrics.
If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer.
Seeing you in summer, I never would go.
Your hair streaked with sunlight, your lips red as flame,
Your face with a luster that puts gold to shame.
Raphael stared at Midori as the words began to come alive. He noted the way the light reflected off of her hair. Her face glowed with content. She looked almost ethereal.
But if I'd ever leave you, how could it be in autumn?
How I'd leave in autumn I never would know.
I've seen how you sparkle, when fall nips the air
I know you in autumn and I must be there.
The longer he listened, the more his heart began to ache. He had never really paid much attention to song lyrics before he met Midori. But for whatever reason, the lyrics almost always seemed to fit their situation. He had never been one for music of this type before she had shown him its true value. Whoever this guy was, Raphael could really identify with him. Leaving Midori was going to be the hardest part of this whole thing. But I'll return. I have to return. He thought to himself. But what if I don't? No. I won't think about that. Not now. Right now I have to focus on Midori. Raph told himself, his mind once again tuning in to the lyrics.
And could I leave you running merrily through the snow?
Or on a wintry evening, when you catch the fire's glow?
If ever I would leave you, how could it be in springtime?
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so
Oh no, not in springtime, summer, winter or fall.
If ever I could leave you at all
Raphael stared at Midori, his heart feeling as though it was being torn apart. Leaving Midori was going to be so difficult. And the song certainly hadn't helped at all. Half of him wanted to stay, to experience the types of moments described by the lyrics of the song. To hold Midori close to him on cold winters nights, to see her hair glisten in the summer sun, to see her playful smile and hear her laugh as they threw snowballs at each other, to dance with her on the rooftops on a cool spring night when the moon was full…to have her by his side for the rest of his life. That was all he wanted.
Raph shook those thoughts away. First he had to take care of Dragon. There would be no peace for her in this world if he didn't. He had to do this. For Midori.
As Raphael emerged from his thoughts he found that everyone was staring at him, including Midori and Leo. "What?"
Midori's eyes narrowed, then her gaze softened as she spoke, "I asked you if you wanted the next dance."
Raph's eyes widened. He must have been really lost in his own thoughts if he hadn't heard her. The hotheaded shook his head to clear his head. "Sure." He stated, moving towards her and holding out his hand.
This song was a little faster, but the intro was of a different tone. Still sweet, but it was sweetness of a different hue, it had a bit of a sensual touch to it.
Those fingers in my hair
The vocals only accentuated the tone, adding a hint of mischief.
That sly come hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft.
Raphael spun Midori around. For a while she swayed with her back to him before unwinding and returning to their original position. Leonardo watched with a gentle smile. Those two are perfect for each other, he thought to himself. At the moment the two of them were off in their own little world. In fact, the eldest turtle doubted whether Raph and Midori even recognized the three of them were still there.
And I've got no defense for it,
The heat is too intense for it.
What good would common sense for it do?
Donatello smiled, and his mind began to run over the lyrics. He knew enough to recognize the voice as that of the legendary Frank Sinatra and he'd heard the song alluded to, but had never actually heard the song itself. Still, the brainiac was enjoying it.
'Cause it's witchcraft,
Wicked witchcraft,
And although I know it's strictly taboo
Michelangelo was swaying to the music from where he sat on the couch as he watched his older hotheaded brother dance. He thought about making a snarky comment about Raph's dancing skills, but after what had happened last time, decided against it.
When you arouse the need in me,
My heart says yes indeed in me,
Proceed with what your leading me to
Midori placed both her hands on either side of Raph's face and pulled him close. Raphael kept his right hand on her waist, lifted the other and laid it over her hand, pressing it and holding it against his face. He pressed their foreheads together and looked straight down into Midori's eyes.
It's such an ancient pitch,
But one I wouldn't switch,
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you
Midori pulled away a little and wrapped her arms around the back of his head, pressing her face into his shoulder. Her breath ghosted over his scar and a shiver ran down his spine. The sensuality of the music combined with the warmth of Midori pressing against him made Raph sigh. His hands pressed against her shoulders, slowly moving down her back, voluptuously.
The shirt she was wearing was long sleeved, in her favorite shade of dark red, of course. In the front the shirt had a straight collar that pressed gently against her neck, but in the back there was a v-shaped cleavage that exposed her shoulders and half of her back. About halfway down the back the shirt tied in a corset-like manner accentuating her figure.
Raphael closed his eyes and softly stroked the back of Midori's shoulders, pressing her against him.
'Cause it's witchcraft,
That crazy witchcraft,
And although I know it's strictly taboo
When you arouse the need in me,
My heart says yes indeed in me,
Proceed with what your leading me to...
Leonardo watched as the two of them held each other close. There was something in Raphael's expression. Something closely akin to desperation. The way the red-masked turtle held her indicated that he knew he'd have to let her go. He was holding her as though he thought it would be the last time. Leo's eyes narrowed. Something's up.
It's such an ancient pitch,
But one that I would never switch,
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you
As the song ended, Raph and Midori's movement slowed. Raph pulled away reluctantly and moved over to the couch, having a seat beside his brothers. The hothead picked up the remote and changed the channel. Midori joined Raph and leaned her head on his shoulder affectionately.
Michelangelo leaned over and attempted to pull the remote from Raph's hand. The hothead growled and moved his hand away. "Aw, c'mon Raphie, Crognard the Barbarian is on!"
Raph sighed and handed the youngest turtle the remote. The turtles stared. Raphael never gave in that easily.
In truth, the hothead decided that he wanted to make sure that he spent some real quality time with his brothers, so he had begun thinking about what he could do to achieve that. In this case he decided that Mikey would appreciate it.
Michelangelo shook off his surprise and put on his show. Raph is probably just in a good mood today. It does happen occasionally. Mikey thought before his mind was sucked into the world of Crognard.
Raphael occasionally threw in comments and questions, the kind that weren't snide or overbearing, which thrilled the youngest turtle and propelled him into a very detailed conversation with his red-masked brother. Raphael listened patiently to Mikey's ramblings, quietly indulging the youngest turtle.
When Crognard the Barbarian was over Raph stood. Something else occurred to him. He turned to his immediate younger brother. The purple-masked brainiac sent him a curious stare. "Donnie, you said you needed to so some work on the Shell Raiser, right?"
Donatello nodded.
"Need an extra hand?"
Don looked astounded for a few moments, but he shook it off. As long as Raph was offering. "Yeah, I could really use one if you're up for it."
Raph nodded. "Then let's get to it." The two of them headed into the lab and Don closed the door behind them.
Back in the main room Leo frowned. Something was up with Raph. And he was gonna find out what. Best way to do that was to meditate on everything that he had observed until a solution presented itself.
Several hours later...
In the lab red and purple masked turtles worked silently. Donatello really enjoyed moments like this. Moments where Raph would just let loose and be Raph. It pleased the brainiac to see his immediate older brother without his tough-guy muscle-man exterior. Raphael was not stupid. The only reason Donnie called him meathead was because Raph had a tendency to fight first and think later. In fact, Raphael was a very efficient problem-solver. And when it came to cars and motorcycles, even engines in general, Raph was a first-rate mechanic.
Don was fascinated by the look of absolute concentration that Raph wore whenever he was repairing an engine or fixing a brake line. There was a soft, gentler side to the hotheaded turtle, they all knew that. Raphael proved that to Donatello every time he offered to help the brainiac. Every time Raph spent hours in the lab helping Donatello repair their vehicles just so that Don could get to sleep earlier, or go grab something to eat.
That's not even counting all the times Raph stormed and literally dragged the scientist from his lab to force him to get some rest. Donatello smiled and peered beneath the Shell Raiser where Raph lay on the creeper as he tightened some bolts on the vehicle's underbelly. "Hey Raph."
The turtle in question finished turning his last bolt and slid out from beneath the vehicle and glanced over at his younger brother. "Yeah Don?"
Donnie smiled. Raph's face had a few spots of grease on it and his hands were practically covered in black smudges. Donatello handed Raph a cloth and the hothead nodded his gratitude. As soon as he was done wiping his face Raph on his hands. Green eyes sent Don a curious look. "What was it Don?"
"Huh?" Donnie asked, distractedly.
"What were you gonna tell me? You called, remember?"
"Oh." Don said as he realized Raph was right. "I just wanted to say thanks."
Raphael shrugged it off. "No big deal."
"Yes it is, Raph." Don retorted his hand shooting out and grabbing Raphael's, stilling it.
The corner of Raph's mouth turned up in a smile at Donnie's persistence. Green eyes turned downward to their hands and the red-masked turtle whispered, "You're welcome." The two brothers shared a moment of companionable silence. Finally Raphael shook Donnie off and straightened. He handed the dirty cloth back to his brother. "That should just about take care of things here. She's good to go." He stated, the 'she' he was referring to being the Shell Raiser.
Don nodded his affirmation.
Raph went on, "Call me if you need any more help, okay?" The hothead growled and pulled the brainiac into a lose headlock (which was about the equivalent of a hug). "I know how you love overwork those brain cells of yours, but give 'em a break every once in a while." Raph said as he gave the struggling brother a noogie on the top of his head. Don mewled with disgust and yanked himself away as Raph's grip loosened.
"Ew, Raph! That's gross!"
Raph smirked smugly. "Well that's what ya get for being sappy! Later!" Then the hothead was gone and Donatello was rushing over to the sink where he proceeded to wash the top of his head several times.
Two brothers down, one to go. Raph thought as he headed straight for his older brother's domain. The dojo. The emerald green turtle glanced around. Huh, empty. Or perhaps only seemingly so.
Raph could sense that he wasn't alone in the room. Fearless was here. Somewhere. Raphael closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his brother's breathing. It was slowed so Leo was meditating. But Leo was nowhere in sight. At least, not within sight of the door. Raph moved into the room made his way around the tree. Still no Fearless. He closed his eyes once more and was surprised to hear that the sound of Leo's breathing was seemingly coming from behind him. Raph turned around to face the tree. He looked up. Ah. So that's where Leo is.
"I've heard of trying different meditation locations to strengthen adaptability, but don't you think you're taking it a little bit too far?"
Dark blue eyes snapped open and glared at the red-masked turtle. "What do you want Raph?"
Raphael held up his hands. "I'm not looking for trouble, Fearless. I just thought I could hang with you for a little bit. That a crime?"
"No." Leo answered, closing his eyes once more. "But you're up to something."
Raph gave his older brother a confused and innocent look. Unfortunately Leonardo wasn't buying it.
"Don't play this game with me, little brother. You being that nice to both Donnie and Mikey in one day? And the way you clung to Midori while you were dancing." Dark blue eyes flashed open with understanding. "You're leaving tonight, aren't you?" The eldest asked, though he already knew the answer.
Raphael stared directly back into his brother's eyes. "I have to."
The blue-masked turtle frowned, his eyes filled with concern. "Raphael…why won't you let us help you?"
"Because I don't want you to get hurt."
Leo unfolded from his meditation position and dropped out of the tree onto the ground. "Raph…I don't quite know how to say this…" Leo began tentatively. He reached out and put a hand on the hothead's sinuous shoulder. "Come back alive."
Raph sent him a waning grin. "I'll do my best, brother." He whispered softly. They both grew silent and Raph began to shift his weight uncomfortably. "If this isn't a good time I can come back later."
Leonardo failed to answer. Raph turned to leave, but a gentle hand caught his shoulder. The hothead turned to face his only older brother. What he saw shocked him. There were so many emotions racing across the older turtle's features. Intense emotions that Leonardo did not usually allow them witness like doubt, fear, pain, sadness. There was so much sadness in those dark blue eyes. Sadness and desperation.
"No." Leo managed to choke out. "Don't go. I—I want to spend this time with you. There are…a lot of things I need to tell you."
Raphael would have argued, but he could see from Leo's expression that Fearless desperately needed to blurb at him, to achieve peace of mind, if nothing else. Raphael nodded Leonardo to go on.
"I…I have so many things I want to say! I don't know where to begin."
"The beginning is always a good place to start." Raph murmured.
Leo's hand shook as he reached over to grab Raphael's shoulder. "We've always had a bond, haven't we? I mean—you know that all those times we fought, those were just words. Words said in haste and anger. You know that I never meant those things, right?"
Slowly, Raphael looked straight into Leo's gaze and nodded.
Leo went on. "I—shit, how am I supposed to know how to say this?!"
Raph's eyes widened. Leo didn't usually cuss like that. Shell, Leo didn't usually cuss period.
"Raph, you're my immediate younger brother. But if it weren't for you…I'd be nothing."
Green eyes glanced up searchingly at his older brother, confused.
"Raphael you don't seem to realize how much this family depends on you! I mean come on! Look at me! Without you constantly pushing me past my limits, reminding me who and what I am, making sure I kept focused on the task at hand, always giving me cause to doubt myself…you've made me into a better leader Raph. Without that…we'd all be dead. And what about the way you protect us? I can think of ten separate occasions you've saved my life in the past year alone. I'm sure the number of times you've saved Mikey's life is almost twice that. You care for us Raph. Think about how many times you dragged me out of the dojo for lunch, or the number of times you've carried Donnie to his room after he fell asleep in the lab doing research. Raph I—" Tears began to gather in Leo's eyes and the eldest turtle's shoulders began to tremble.
Concerned, Raphael leaned over and reached out, gently gripping his older brother's shoulder.
"I wish there was something I could say to make you stay. Something I could do to prevent you from doing this…I can't lose you Raph. I don't quite know how to say this…but I've always believed that of all our brothers, I've always been closest to you." Leo paused, letting that sink in before moving on, "It may seem silly, but since I'm your only older brother I've always felt that it was my job to protect you, the way you protect all three of us. I can't protect you from this. And just the thought that I could lose you… I-I really wish that I could go back in time and erase every singe fight we've ever had. I wish that we could play together the way we used to as kids. I wish I'd been able to tell you all of this earlier, under more happy circumstances."
Raph's lips were pressed in a tight line. "Not all wishes can come true, Leo."
Tears began to slide down Leo's face and the next thing Raph knew he had been pulled into a tight embrace. Slowly the emerald green turtle reciprocated the hug, gently rubbing the back of Leo's shell to calm him down. Leonardo clung to the red-masked turtle desperately as he murmured. "Promise me you'll come back alive."
Raphael pulled out of the hug and stared into Leo's dark blue eyes. "We both know I can't do that, Leo."
Leonardo pushed Raphael violently out of the hug in a sudden wave of anger. "Why are you always so cynical?"
"I'm not being cynical." Raph answered calmly, "I just don't want to make a promise when there is a possibility I could break it. I don't want my last exchange with you to contain a single lie. You said you had plenty of things to tell me, now I have a few to tell you. I've always admired you, bro. All my life I looked up to you, compared myself to you, and felt like no matter what I did I would never be worthy of even standing in the same room as you. As for our fights, a lot of what I said was said in anger. I-I really wish I could have had more time to spend with you and the others. I wish our fights hadn't created so many problems between us, but…as I said, not all wishes can come true. I'm so sorry that I have to leave you like this, big brother. But I don't have a choice. I can't procrastinate any longer or Dragon will reach me before I reach him. I love you guys." For a moment, the red-masked turtle paused. "Leo, I need you to make me a promise."
Leo nodded. "Anything."
"In the event that I don't return…take care of her for me?"
Leo's face darkened and he nodded. "Of course. I promise. I would have anyway."
"I know. I just had to ease my guilty conscience."
"You have nothing to feel guilty about. As you say, you have to do this to keep our family safe."
"That doesn't change the fact that I have to leave her behind." Raph pointed out, his fists shaking with distress.
"Have you told her yet?" Leo asked softly.
"I'm not going to." Raph stated.
Leonardo sent his younger sibling a shocked stare and Raphael only lowered his eyes.
"I can't. She'll only try to stop me."
"And when she discovers you've gone she'll be heartbroken." Leo pointed out slowly.
"I know, but I'm doing this for her. She'll understand the sacrifice."
"And if she doesn't?"
Raph's stare was answer enough. Midori simply had to.
"When are you leaving?" Leo asked, gripping Raph's shoulder softly.
"What time is it?"
"About six thirty."
"Probably around one when Midori's fast asleep. Look, tomorrow she's gonna be really upset when she finds out. Can you…?"
"I'll comfort her as best I can." Leo answered. Raphael briefly wondered how Leo managed to read his mind at times like this. Was he really that predictable? Raph returned to the present to find that Leonardo had both hands on his shoulders. "Please be careful."
Raph nodded, pulling Leo into one last, gentle hug before he left the dojo.
It wasn't until after the hothead was gone that Leo dropped to his knees and whispered, "Please don't lose this battle, little brother. This family won't survive your loss."
Well there goes Raphael's last day. Next chapter Midori finds out Raph is gone, and the hothead begins to trail the Dragon in hopes of confrontation.
I also realized that I didn't mention the song last chapter. The name of the song is Tenderly and the one I was listening to as I wrote the chapter was sung by Ella Fitzgerald. Songs used in this chapter were: If ever I would leave you from Camelot (the musical) and Witchcraft (version sung by Frank Sinatra). Disclaimer! I have no rights to any of these songs.
How was it? Review please!
Thanks for reading!