Author's Note: Thanks as always to my readers and reviewers. To rydia3791, your feedback is encouraging as always, and I am extremely grateful for that. To Zack, the fic IS meant to be the game's story as seen from Alisa's POV, but your thoughts have given me the idea to write short pieces of other characters' POV every now and then, so I hope you enjoy those bits. Now, on with the story!
On a sidenote, I played a little further and found out I'd made a mistake with someone's characterisation in the prologue so I've tweaked it to reflect this new-ish information. It's nothing major, but feel free to check it out.
She's reliving this memory again, only this time that warm presence is with her and she almost wishes it weren't - she doesn't want it to see this as much as a small part of her is grateful for it being here with her as the nightmare replays itself once more.
"Here we come..." her mother's voice echoes from the outside. She ducks deeper in the closet, her arms tightening around her beloved bunny as she peeks out of the crack she left between the closet's doors. "Wait, not yet!" she cries somewhat giddily; she's found the perfect hiding spot, but if her parents think she's going to hide somewhere further away they might overlook this place.
'RUN!' she wants to scream but can't; she has no power to change anything here and can only watch helplessly as she goes through the motions until she reaches its horrible conclusion. It is a strange sensation, being both her younger innocent self and her older broken one at the same time, feeling both the giddy happiness and the crushing despair in the same breath.
"Ready or not..." her father calls, followed by her mother repeating, "Here we come..." their voices sounding ever closer. "Wait, not yet!" she yelps, hoping that her voice will echo enough that they'll fall for her little trick and never figure out her hiding spot. "Here we come..." Her mother's voice again, this time followed by her father's. "Ready or not..." Alright, she decides, this should be long enough; they'll never think she stayed this close to the starting point. "Okay, ready!" she squeals in excitement before shuffling deeper into the closet while making sure she can still see outside.
She knows what's coming next, but she can't turn her eyes away even if she wants to.
Soon enough, her parents come into view, and she has to supress a giggle that would definitely give away her hiding place at how they're not even turning to look at the closet she's in. "Here we come..." her mother singsongs again, and oh no, they've turned and are looking right at her hiding spot! 'No no no,' she wails internally as she tries to scuttle further in, 'go look somewhere else!'
'No no no,' she echoes, desperate for a reason entirely different from her younger counterpart and even though she knows she has no control over the situation - not then, not now, 'go away! RUN!'
Suddenly, as if they are distracted by something, they do turn and look away only for a black shape to appear and descend upon them without warning. Fear and horror grip her completely - she's never seen one before, but she knows from the stories and the whispers of adults what the monster is. "Daddy! Mommy!" she screams, even as her body is frozen where she sits in the closet. "Stop it! Don't eat them!" she begs, even though deep in her mind and heart she knows it will not listen. But, as if it had heard her plea, the Aragami pauses and looks up - looks right at her and no, please "No! Stop it!" don't hurt Mommy and Daddy don't hurt me don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlook THOSE EYES
The presence pulls her away, away from those eyes and that moment, wordlessly telling her she's safe even as she free-falls into a different memory.
-xXx-
The machine in front of her will seal her fate for the rest of her life - will give her the power to change, to be something, to DO something. She tightens her grip on the handle of the God Arc as a voice, distorted by static, booms around her. She does her best to ignore it.
"So young..." he - whoever he is - murmurs in a tone that oozes false sympathy and grates on her already frayed nerves, "how you must have cursed yourself for being so utterly powerless!"
She knows this day - this memory. For that one day after so many years, her world had not consisted of drugs and needles and white walls and air so sterile she had questioned if she was still alive.
Without warning, part of the machine slams down on her wrist (and бог it hurts it hurts ITHURTS). She barely recognises the scream she hears as her own as she grabs at her trapped right arm with her free hand, instinctively seeking to pull it free of the machine's grip and end the pain MAKE IT STOP PLEASE
"If you can overcome this anguish, you'll gain the power to avenge your parents' deaths!" the voice tells her, but the words only dimly register as the pain worsens. It feels like... like there's a fire eating away at her skin, searing and consuming the flesh beneath, and every last breath of air in her lungs is being ripped out of her body as she screams even louder.
"That's right!" the voice urges her. "Fight it! Rise above it!"
And she had. She had... hadn't she?
This time, the presence gently pulls her away and the memory fades only to be replaced by another - one of a particular event her conscious mind is only just remembering.
-xXx-
The air around her and the bed beneath her are cold, causing her skin to prickle uncomfortably although for some reason the sensation is... muted. "These are your enemies - the Aragami," Dr Oguruma tells her, his deep voice echoing in the empty room and her head. Everything is... blurry, somehow, except for the screen before her which displays images of monsters. "Ara...gami?" she repeats sluggishly; her mind is swimming and every thought she has slips away before she can even register it.
It's not unlike a wound she has carried all these years without realising its existence, she thinks as she remembers this for the first time... if 'remember' is even the right word for a memory buried in her own mind by the machinations of another.
"Right," he affirms, his voice gaining a strange tone. "Scary-as-all-get-out Aragami! And last but not least, here is..." he trails off as his free hand presses a button and the images disappear only to be replaced by that of a... man?
"...the Aragami that devoured your mommy and daddy!" he finishes, but that can't be right isn't it she's sure but maybe no yes can't remember don't remember please no "Daddy... Mommy..."
There is the taste of bile at the back of her throat - an odd thing to feel right now, considering she's inside her own mind reliving a memory and not quite in her own body. This, she thinks, must be what betrayal is like.
"But," he continues as he places his hand on her shoulder, its warmth a sharp contrast to the coldness of the rest of the room, "you're strong enough to fight now, aren't you?" His grip tightens slightly. "It couldn't be easier. All you have to do is aim at it and pull the trigger," he urges. "Pull the trigger..." she echoes, eyes focused yet unseeing.
"Right," he affirms once again, and this time there is... satisfaction in his voice. "And this is what you should say as you pull that trigger: один два три!" Hearing her native Russian again after a parade of doctors speaking English and Japanese strikes a chord in her for some reason, makes the foreign thought slide into place in her mind effortlessly. "один... два... три..." The words tumble out of her mouth almost mechanically. "That's right. That's the chant that will turn you into a strong little girl," he tells her, and... and she wants to be strong, doesn't she? She has to be. "один... два... три..."
The memory-dream becomes foggy then and there is a strange sensation of being... guided... by the warm presence somewhere. It's as if she's been submerged all this while, but now... now she's surfacing and finally breathing again.
-xXx-
White. The first thing her still-blurry sight registers is the bright light and the lack of colour in her surroundings. There is the smell of antiseptic in the air and the silence is almost deafening, but what grounds Alisa is the strangely familiar feel of a warm hand holding her own. She knows this touch, this warmth almost instinctively now. Yuu notices her awakening and pulls his hand away - much to her regret - in order to help her sit up.
"What?" she starts to ask, but all that escapes her lips is a faint sound that only marginally resembles the word she wanted to verbalise. Undaunted, she pushes forward even as the effort hurts. "What was that?" she persists, wincing as her throat protests forming every syllable. A glass of water appears unbidden in front of her followed by Yuu's quiet yet commanding voice. "Drink first, talk after," he urges and the girl complies willingly by guiding the glass to her mouth, his hand still gripping it, and letting the cool liquid quench a thirst she is only just noticing. It is empty and he's taking it away before she realises it, and then... she wants to thank him, she really does, but looking up to meet his gaze makes her realise she needs answers above all else.
"Just now," Alisa starts, and thankfully this time her voice actually works, "I felt your emotions flowing into my mind..." She trails off awkwardly, suddenly aware of how ridiculous it all sounds, but pulls together whatever scraps of courage she has and decides she just needs to know. "Could it be..." she asks, unsure of how he will respond and not knowing which answer she wants, "that it happened to you, too?"
There is a flash of hesitation in his eyes, half-hidden by the concern and relief shining clearly in those blue orbs, before he wordlessly nods in affirmation. It's still a bit of a shock, even though she had been expecting his answer, and suddenly it's a little difficult to meet his gaze so she breaks eye contact, looking down and then straight ahead in an effort to gather her courage again to continue speaking.
"I thought I'd forgotten all about that day... until right now..." she murmurs, dropping her gaze to her lap as the memories made fresh run through her mind again. "I thought I'd play a trick on my parents... and went to hide in a nearby building during a game of hide-and-seek," she recalls; it's a little silly to talk about it, considering he should have seen everything himself during... whatever had happened, but somehow this feels... liberating. "Ready or not, here we come..." she repeats quietly, grief leaving a bitter taste on her tongue. "And then..." she looks up, as if she's back in that closet watching her world fall apart, "suddenly they were running and shouting, 'Aragami! It's an Aragami!'"
Alisa chokes on the words as the crippling fear takes hold of her body once again just as it did before, clutching her heart with her left hand and her head with her right in a feeble attempt to stop the pain. "I should've rushed out then..." she gasps brokenly, her breath ragged from relived terror and shame, "but I was so scared I couldn't move..." It was all her fault, wasn't it? "Daddy and Mommy... came to look for me... but..." But it had cost them their lives. Her fault. All her fault. "I heard a terrible growling..." As if to escape the memory, she seeks out Yuu's worried gaze once more. "And then... right before my eyes!" she all but sobs the last part.
In a flash, he reaches out and grabs her hand again. "It's okay," he whispers, "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He keeps quiet as she calms down a little before giving her a nod to indicate she can continue talking or stop if she wants to. At his gesture, she again drops her gaze, finding it easier to look at their clasped hands than his face. "If only I'd realised... ran out of there sooner... neither of them would've..." So many things she could have done but didn't, and now here they were. Does he know? Does he realise? He must, Alisa thinks as she looks up at him again. "It was all my fault!" There. She's said it. The thought has haunted her all these years, but for the first time she's said them out loud.
However, Yuu immediately cuts her off with an almost violent shake of the head. "No, it wasn't," he insists fiercely, pushing on even as she opens her mouth to protest. "You were a kid; all you would've accomplished would be getting yourself killed, so enough of that, okay?" Silenced by his vehemence, all Alisa finds herself capable of doing is nodding meekly, an action which seems to satisfy him as he pulls back and lets go of her hand much to her silent dismay.
A little embarrassed by that thought, she forces herself to start talking again in an effort to distract herself from thinking any further about her feelings. "That's why... when they told me I was being considered as a New-Type God Eater, I thought, 'Now I can get revenge for my parents!'" she continues, looking up once more and recalling vividly the sight of the machine that had seared the God Armlet on her wrist. "Yes... THAT Aragami... the one that murdered my parents..."
The cold bed beneath her, the image of monsters - a man - in front of her and that voice whispering poison into her mind-
She's screaming before she can stop it, clutching her head as the memory drives a lance of pain through her skull. There is the distant sound of a chair being pushed back, and suddenly the girl is dimly aware of being pulled into a warm embrace. Yuu hugs her tightly in such a way that her head is pillowed on his solid chest and his right hand is resting on her right shoulder while his left is holding her own. "I'm sorry..." she apologises weakly, brokenly, "I don't even know myself what's going on..." His only response is to tighten his hold on her as if she'll run or vanish if he's not careful - and a part of her does feel that way. "Shh," he murmurs, "it's alright. It's not your fault. I'm here, and you're going to be okay."
His words are the last straw, it seems, and the dam that has held her sorrow and grief back all these years finally breaks . She sobs long and loud, cries every single tear she has been unable to shed since that day into his chest as he murmurs comforting words and keeps her anchored until her sobs finally dwindle into watery hiccups. "Better?" he asks quietly, and when she weakly nods in response he lets her go and sits down; this time, however, he keeps holding her hand, something for which she's infinitely grateful.
"Thank you," she whispers, her voice scratchy from her newly-ended bout of crying. "It was you who held my hand like this the other day, too, wasn't it?" she asks, just to be sure that the memory of him being there the last time she had awoken had not been her mind playing tricks on her, and is relieved when he nods. "Those warm emotions... I could feel them flowing into me..." At this, she realises that there is a question she has neglected to ask since she first woke up. "How... did you do it anyway?"
The frown Yuu offers her is enough of an answer before he even opens his mouth. "I'm not sure myself," he confesses. "All I did was touch your hand like I am now and..." he trails off, gesturing vaguely with his free hand to indicate their strange experience.
"I'm glad either way," she finds herself blurting out, surprising both of them and causing heat to rush to her cheeks. "I mean, um," she fumbles for something to say before a sudden wave of drowsiness hits her. The events of the past hour or so have finally caught up to her, and Yuu is quick to notice her sleepiness because his gaze is one of concern again. "You should go back to sleep. You need the rest," he urges her as he gently pushes her shoulder with his free hand in an effort to get her to lie down on the bed. Drained as she is, Alisa finds herself unable to protest as her body slowly shuts down so it can recharge properly.
"Will you be here when I wake up?" she asks, feeling like a little child again but too tired to care. "I can't say," he answers honestly with an apologetic smile, "but I promise you that from now on I'll always be there for you."
It's good enough for her, and at last Alisa lets her eyes slide shut. The last thing her conscious mind registers is the warmth of his hand holding hers, and this time the dreams are not full of ghosts of the past.
-[Interlude: Hibari]-
It's not the first time that Hibari wishes a God Arc match for her could be found already, and until it happens it won't be the last. The Far East branch is still reeling from the loss of Lindow and the atmosphere that permeates the entire place is stifling, to say the least. However, until a bias factor with a high enough compatibility rate is found she's stuck in the sidelines, unable to directly affect the situation. Sighing, the operator forces herself to relax as the lift grinds to a halt at her selected floor; the last thing the person she's visiting needs is someone else's problems and a less than positive disposition, after all.
The most familiar face behind the Fenrir Far East branch's mission counter is out of the lift walking purposefully towards the sick bay before the doors can fully open. The nurse monitoring the main lobby understandably takes a while to recognise her - operators, unlike God Eaters, hardly require a trip to the doctor's, after all. "Ah, hello Hibari," the other woman greets her with a warm smile, "what brings you here today? Not feeling under the weather, I hope?"
"No, I'm fine, Kasumi," she answers with her own smile. "I'm actually here to visit someone. Is Alisa still in the same room as last time?" At the mention of the name, Kasumi offers her an understanding look before giving her the reply she's looking for. "Yes, she is. Second last one on the right down that corridor, same as before," she points with one hand, prompting Hibari to offer a sincere "Thank you" before departing for the indicated room.
As her luck would have it, Hibari finds Alisa awake when she enters the room although the girl fails to notice her arrival, what with her being apparently engrossed in a book and wearing a pair of earphones. "Hello, Alisa," the operator announces her presence with a greeting which alerts the female God Eater, causing her to snap the book shut and pull off the earphones in one fluid motion.
"Hibari?" the girl asks, clearly surprised; it's evident she had not been expecting her at all - or perhaps had been expecting someone else instead. "Yuu's still out on his mission, if that's what you were wondering, but knowing him he'll most likely come here the moment he's back," she explains, not missing but choosing not to mention the flash of disappointment and anticipation she sees on the girl's face as she glances downwards. Instead, she redirects the conversation back to her original reason for being here. "I came to see how you were doing. Are you feeling better?"
That successfully distracts the girl from whatever her previous thoughts were of and brings her attention back to Hibari. "Oh, yes, I'm... better," Alisa responds, hesitating for a moment before speaking again in a quiet voice. "Nurse Kasumi told me you visited me back when... when I was sedated. You're the only person besides Yuu who's come by to see me, so... thank you. It means a lot to me."
The girl sitting on the bed before her is a far cry from the one she remembers from a few days ago, and Hibari wonders silently just how much has changed in so little time. "I'm sure there are others who want to visit you but just... are busy or something," she offers as an explanation, but her words only seem to make Alisa sadder. "No, it's okay," she answers with a pained smile, "I understand why. You don't have to make excuses."
The atmosphere is too oppressive for the operator's liking, and she decides a change in topic is needed once again. "Did Kasumi bring those for you?" she asks, indicating the book in Alisa's hands as well as the several tomes stacked on the bedside table. Physical reading materials are rare but not uncommon, although her guess does not account for the small music player that's still presumably transmitting its stored tunes through the now neglected earphones.
"Ah, no. These are Yuu's," the girl answers, lifting the book and music player in each hand - and this time there's a slight blush dusting her cheeks. "He brought them over before he left for his mission, saying that if I was awake and bored while he wasn't around I could use them to keep me company in his place. His words, not mine," she adds quickly. It's quite the opportunity to tease the girl and keep her mind off other, more negative topics, but before Hibari can attempt to do so Alisa speaks up again. "Hey, Hibari..." she starts, her voice subdued, "have you... have you seen Sakuya recently?"
And they're indirectly back to the topic she's been trying to avoid since she first stepped into the room. "Not beyond the usual mission registration, no," Hibari answers honestly, her concern growing at the sight of the girl's depressed countenance. "Things will get better, Alisa," she tries to reassure her. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you're stronger than you think you are and you're not alone." She hesitates for a split second before deciding to just say what she knows will boost the girl's spirit. "Believe in Yuu, at the very least."
That draws a smile, albeit a weak one, out of Alisa. "I do," she answers honestly, and at that Hibari figures maybe the teasing can wait at least a little longer.
First of all, I sincerely apologise for the extreme lateness of this chapter. Work and personal life dealt severe damage to my available writing time, leading to this massive delay. Rest assured, though; I have NOT given up on this story. All I can do is say I'm sorry and promise that I'll do my best to get the next chapter done faster.
SIDENOTE: To anyone who's finished the game, I could really use your help! Could you please tell me if there was any specific point in the game where they discuss what Resonance is, what causes it, etc? I need to know if there is an "official" part that covers it or it's something I have to write in myself. Feel free to answer via review or a PM; your assistance in this would be greatly appreciated!