Barbara for the first time this evening was actually getting a very restful sleep. She was actually having her favorite dream where she not only had her mobility back but was swinging through Gotham's night skies again as Batgirl; it was beautiful. Barbara couldn't help but smile unconsciously and let out a happy sigh as she adjusted her upper body in bed until.
BLAM!BLAM!BLAM! WHABOOM! RATATATATAT!
"Arghh Who, What, How!" Barbara woke with a frightful shout. To her somewhat relief she looked out into her computer lab to see by the lights emanating from her living room letting her know that someone had accessed her system and was watching a movie or playing a video game. Putting on her glasses she was about to go out and confront whoever rudely interrupted her sleep like this when she heard an unsettling familiar voice that confirmed her worst suspicion as to who could have accessed her very secured fortress that had some of the most sophisticated security systems in the world.
"BWAHAHA; die zombie Goebbels, eat led zombie Himmler HAHAHA!" The voice laughed out maniacally over the loud explosions and gunfire.
"Oh god no, not him, anyone but him!" She groaned to herself as she picked herself up into the wheelchair to go and confront her very unwanted guest. Sure enough it was none other than…. "Wade." Babs more or less muttered.
Wade Wilson, known far and wide as Deadpool, the estranged half-brother of Slade Wilson aka Deathstroke and frequent Arkham resident and escapee, was engrossed in playing Nazi Zombies 5: Rise of the Dead Reich. The noise in the apartment was loud enough that the Merc with the mouth didn't notice Barbara wheel up next to him.
"Wade?" She shouted up and him. He didn't hear. "Wade!" She practically screamed in a very angry tone with same result. Barbara inhaled and exhaled deeply as she reached into the secret compartment that contained her escrima sticks and promptly struck the insane mercenary on his outer thigh knocking him off his feet.
"YEOOW!" He screamed in pain. While Deadpool was writhing in pain on the floor Babs went about shutting down the game on her holographic system.
"It could've been worse, at least he wasn't watching lesbian cosplay porn like last time." Barbara thought, reflecting on the last time she caught him breaking into her system.
As the game went offline Wade was recovering from Oracle's assault. "Oh hey Barbie-doll, how are you doing this fine evening my adorable little paraplegic, heh." Wade laughed at his own politically incorrect joke about her disability. Barbara only growled under her breath at his crack about her condition but put on a straight face so as not to dignify his humor, in fact she had a retort already thought up in response.
"Hello Wade, still devilishly handsome as always?" She talked backed in a snarky tone, referencing Deadpool's scarred face. Wade was unfazed, as a matter of fact he laughed himself.
"That's a good one, you noticed huh?" He said rubbing his chin.
"What do you want Wade, I was sleeping." She complained tiredly.
"Yeah I know, I was watching you." He replied nonchalantly.
"Ughh." Barbara couldn't help but shudder and grimace in response at the thought of Deadpool leering at her while asleep.
"You must have had a really good dream because you looked like you were really happy." He added noisily.
"Yes Wade I was, now tell me what you're doing here, so that I may get back to it." Babs replied with a little bit more irritation.
"Nothing really, the author is a fan of mine and he wrote me in." He said happily breaking the fourth wall.
Barbara went wide eyed at Wade's statement but shook it off quickly. "Wade just tell me what is you want so that I may refuse so you can get the hell out of my apartment and I can get back to sleep." She demanded rubbing her temples.
"What; can a friend drop in on a friend to give her a present for her birthday?" Wade asked incredulously.
"Anything that involves lap dances, XXX movies, and edible underwear, I'm not interested!" Barbara said quickly in response while pointing an angry finger at him.
"Oh c'mon you had fun when we went clubbing that one time." He replied defensively.
"That was kidnapping!" She replied through gritted teeth.
"But you were so sad, I couldn't just leave you like that." He defended.
"You tied me to my chair!" Babs shouted.
"Give me a break you needed cheering up." Deadpool defended again.
It was the anniversary of her shooting at the hands of the Joker. It was a date that always depressed Barbara. Wade infiltrated the Clock Tower to get Oracle's help on a mission and Barbara was understandably not in the mood for any of his stupidity, she would have rather just lie in bed and sleep through the day. After telling Deadpool to go away for the tenth time, Wade finally got the hint that Babs was depressed and decided to take it upon himself to cheer her up. Unfortunately Wade's idea of cheering her up involved duct taping her to her wheelchair and proceeded to take her to every strip club in Gotham.
"Anyway, here you go, happy b-day Babs." Deadpool said seemingly pulling a large gift wrapped box from behind him magically and tossed it to her, which disturbed Barbara a bit. Very cautiously she opened the gift.
"Gee Wade it's what I always wanted." Barbara said a tone that was dripping with sarcasm as she pulled out a large Deadpool plushy.
"I knew you would like it; I figured your collection was missing something." He said obliviously as he pointed to her plushy collection.
"Yes well thank you very much Wade, if that's it then have a great night, I'll see very much later hopefully." Babs said as fast as she could to get Wade to leave. He wasn't finished yet.
"Whoa not so fast my lovley crippled friend, I got a job too." He interrupted with his rather crude humor which Barbara was not very charmed by.
"What is it?!" Oracle said in more of a growl through gritted teeth that was not lost on Wade.
"Whoa you mad there hot wheels?" he said with a snicker as he made yet another rude comment about her condition which Babs decided she had enough of for one evening.
"That was your last crack about my disability!" She shouted in fury as she ran her chair into Deadpools shin.
"Ouch, ouch, ouch, okay sheesh sorry." Wade said bouncing up and down rubbing his shin in pain. "Matches hired me again." Deadpool explained as he finally rubbed the pain away.
"Bruce." Barbara thought with a sigh at hearing the name. One of the many aliases of Batman. The Dark Knight and the Merc with the Mouth had a very mysterious past. The only thing Barbara knew was they were both in the League of Shadows together and that Bruce's refusal to kill led to a fight that nearly ended Batman's career before it even began. Bruce would only say was that "I owe Wade my life." Barbara still after all these years couldn't believe the world may owe Batman's existence to Wade Wilson! Recently Bruce had been secretly hiring Wade for sneaking stealth recon missions. Mostly it was to keep tabs on Wade but also to take advantage of Deadpool's contacts within the supercriminal underworld for Intel. Batman would mostly use email or secured cell phone with voice scrambler to contact Deadpool and paid him with various drop off points so Wade would never know who was hiring him. It unfortunately meant Barbara was forced to work with Wade more often than she preferred. Which is to say she never wanted to work with him.
"What kind of job?" Barbara asked reluctantly.
"Matches wants me to infiltrate Oscorp Space Extraterrestrial Research Department." Wade replied having to pull out a notepad with the name written down.
"To do what?" Barbara asked.
"He wants me to bug the place and I need you to find it and get the layout for me." Wade explained.
"Give me a minute." Babs said with a sigh as she wheeled to her keyboard and began tapping away bringing up Oscorps system. Babara frankly hoped Deadpool would tear down Norman Osborne's building. It was mostly because she believed Osborne was involved with the Green Goblin who had killed her best friend, Spider-Man's girlfriend Gwen Stacy. What made her death especially hard for Barbara was the fact that she introduced Peter to Gwen. After her death, it was discovered that the Goblin's glider was built by Oscorp. Osborne has always maintained that the glider was stolen but Barbara and Peter never believed him. Barbara let those thoughts slide as she continued the task of getting Wade the information he needed.
"So how's Huntress?" He asked with a hint of slyness. Barbara pinched her brow in irritation.
"Why, why, why Helena did you sleep with him!" She thought in exasperation at the memory. It was when the Birds of Prey were still together. They were in the middle of a mission to take down an apocalyptic cult who was trying to poison a reservoir near Waco Texas. Deadpool had been hired coincidently to act as a bodyguard for the leader. A brief fight later, Huntress managed to convince Wade of what the cult had planned. After a tumultuous battle that ended with the cult in the custody with the Feds. Helena and Wade had a one night stand much to dismay of Barbara and to the rest of the team. Of course Deadpool began following them around on their missions; although Babs hated to admit it, Wade had proven himself useful on more than one occasion. This was also the mission that Wade discovered Babs was Oracle.
"She's fine Wade." Barbara said to just change the subject as fast as possible.
"Yes she is, hmmm." Deadpool sighed contently at the pleasant memory. Barbara could only roll her eyes in response with a groan.
Finally at long last Babs finally managed to break through Oscorps system, in short time she found something interesting. "Huh, this is weird." She muttered which intrigued Wade.
"What'd you find; Osborne's porn stash?" Deadpool asked with actual seriousness.
"No, dumb-ass what I found is a lot of notes and research on the Skrull." Barbara explained irritably. "And what is really interesting, is that all of the notes are exclusively on Skrull anatomy, physiology and biology; nothing on say culture, technology or government which is something you would expect from this kind of department."
"Oh." Wade muttered somewhat disappointed.
"All right here's where you need to go; Lucifer, New Mexico." Barbara stated.
"What; screw that noise, why not someplace like Miami, Las Vegas or someplace with lots of thongs and chimichangas." Wade whined.
"I'll play a violin for you; you want to get paid that's where you need to go." Barbara said unsympathetically.
"Fine, desert crap-hole it is then but only because Matches pays me stupidly anyway." Wade conceded with sigh.
"I've already linked the coordinates to your GPS and the specs are on there too, I've got you booked on a flight leaving JFK in four hours from now so you better get out of here." Barbara said with a hint of relief that their meeting was finally coming to an end. Almost.
"Babs, you seriously don't know who Matches is?" Wade said suddenly coming from around to the front Barbara's wheelchair and leaned on her terminal. Babs sighed irritably at the fact that Wade was still here in her apartment.
"I told you Wade, he's a ghost, he works way off grid, throw away phones, library computers and drop-off points, he's doesn't leave anything behind, the only thing I can say for sure is that he is not working with any known villains." Barbara lied.
"Oh c'mon we're besties, there has to be some way for you to track him down." Deadpool begged.
"Ughh we're not friends, we're more like stalker and victim." Barbara shot back.
Wade Wilson harbored a completely one sided crush on Babs ever since she was Batgirl. Years earlier he was contracted to kill one of Gotham mobster Luther Thorne's lieutenants, and coincidentally Batgirl was trying bring the same guy in. After running into each other a brief fight broke out with Deadpool gaining the upper hand. Instead of injuring or killing her, Wade began nervously flirting with her. After that he began following her around Gotham on her patrols, flirting with her and even asking her out on a date. She couldn't believe it; she had a super human stalker! She finally broke down and told Bruce about Deadpool when he discovered her identity. When she described him there was no doubt Bruce recognized him, especially the humor she described. After two days of tracking him, they managed to find him trying to kill Rupert Thorne. After a brutal fight between the Dark Knight and Merc with a Mouth, an emotional conversation revealed their pasts. After Barbara heard of Wade's ordeal at the hands of Weapon-X and especially seeing Deadpool's scarred face which shook even Batman, she couldn't help feeling sorry for him. A few days later Wade found Barbara hanging out on a Gotham rooftop. Surprisingly their conversation was pleasant, Barbara even laughed at a joke Deadpool made about Batman! But she told him she could never be with anyone like him which he sadly accepted and left Gotham.
"Sure we're friends, when you had your accident, I tried to heal you remember?" Wade replied which Barbara shot a skeptical look in response.
Barbara was blessedly in this case still in a coma from her shooting, when Wade got the bright idea to transfer his blood into her. Fortunately Batman, Spider-Man, the late Jason Todd Robin and Nightwing managed to stop him before any damage could be done.
"It would have worked if Bruce and his buddies didn't stop me." Wade explained.
"Thank god they did because I probably would have died or completely lose my mind like you did, now please I'm tired and need what little sleep I actually get, and finally will you please stop playing footsie with me!" She hollered with an angry scowl that Wade actually thought was cute before realizing he was caught.
Looking down at his foot that he discreetly removed from his boot to rub her leg up and down. "How the hell could you tell?" Wade replied annoyed that he was busted.
"Because I know you Wade, I know all your stupid tricks because it is my job to know." Barbara stated sternly. Instead of being affronted, Wade beamed a bright smile under his mask as he put his foot back in his boot.
"See what I mean we're totally friends!" Wade replied totally missing the point of her rant much to her frustration. "It's great having so many great women on my side." Wade said happily. "You, Huntress, Domino and my beautiful Harley." Wade said as he pulled out a sexy boudoir photo of Harley Quinn with a red lipstick mark. Harley and Wade have been dating on and off over the years. While Barbara couldn't have possibly cared less about it, she would have loved to have seen the Joker's face when Harley and Wade's sex tape hit the net.
Joker and Deadpool hated each other since forever; why no one knew for sure, but it made it more imperative for Bab's to keep her shooting at the Joker's hands a secret especially from Wade. The last thing the world needed was two of most insane men on the planet getting into a full blown shooting war. "I mean it Barbie, I really appreciate you putting up with me over the years, and I'm not just saying that because those glasses you wear remind me of a really hot librarian from a video I saw one time."
"Okay so it is a little flattering that he thinks of me that way; very, very little." Barbara thought with a smirk. It's not like most men hit on her much anyway due to her being wheelchair bound. And not like they were beforehand either unless she was Batgirl.
"Listen hate to drop by and take off, but got to go catch my plane and all so I'll call when I'm on site, catch ya later Babsy and happy b-day again." Wade said with a wink as he teleported out of the firehouse.
Barbara rubbed her throbbing temples as she turned her chair back to her room. Looking at the Deadpool plushy, she picked it up and at first she had every intention of throwing it in the trash can. But looking at it in her hand she couldn't help but think of how Bruce always seemed so much more grim when he was in Wade's presence. "What was Wade like when He and Bruce were with the League of Shadows, what makes Bruce feel like he has to look out for Wade so much?" Barbara thought to herself. Wade was certainly helpful during Ultimate Alliance and when he went underground with them during Civil War. Bruce and Wade were definitely friends at some point, Babs understood. She recalled after she became Oracle she looked through Wade's old military files and discovered his connection to Weapon-X that he went through with the X-Man Wolverine and his brother Slade. What Wade and all of them went through sickened her, and couldn't help but pity them all, even the likes of Deathstroke and Sabretooth. After contemplating all of this, Babs didn't have the heart to throw his gift away anymore. Putting it back on her terminal with the rest of her collection, right next to the Spider-Man and Nightwing dolls, she wheeled back to her room to get back to sleep. Putting her glasses back on her dresser she pulled herself back into bed. As she put her head on her pillow, she couldn't help but contemplate that maybe on a very deep subconscious level, that maybe she did think of Wade as a friend. He was sweet in his own obnoxious, deranged little way. A very annoying and intolerable friend, but a friend none the less. After a few minutes Barbara went back to sleep.
C'mon you didn't really think Deadpool wasn't going to make an appearance did you? Anyway hope it was the proper amount anti-pc humor that didn't cross the line into offensiveness. I hope to do more with Deadpool especially explore the past relationship I have cooked up between Batman and Deadpool. Thanks for reading and please review.