Chapter Eleven: Future Imperfect
Chris had fallen in love with Bianca because she was the first person outside of his family to treat him like a normal human being.
Well, that probably wasn't true. There had been childhood friends, of course, and family friends, but that had all changed when Wyatt had changed and Chris gave little thought to those times or those people. After the war had started in earnest, after the Resistance had been founded, after the world had gone to hell…
He'd been called many things. Wyatt Halliwell's little brother. A leader in the Resistance. One of the most cunning witches left on the side of Good. And so people treated him with awe and reverence, or with fear and apprehension, or with desperate hope.
Bianca was the first one to treat him like a human being.
She yelled at him when he was being stupid or stubborn and hugged him when people died or things went wrong– even when he didn't want her to – and she was always pestering him, always wanting to know if he was alright. Of course, she never actually out rightly asked if he was alright. She simply followed him around with that look in her eyes and he knew she expected him to talk about whatever the problem was, regardless of how much he didn't want to.
He'd yell at her when he was angry at other people because she was a convenient target. But she didn't shrink away from his anger and she didn't conjure an energy ball and declare him a traitor. She merely squared her shoulders, glared at him, and yelled back.
And she had her own moments of unfounded anger, too. She yelled at him when she was upset and took out her frustration and fury on him when there was no one else around and sometimes she'd scream at him that yes, she knew the world was going to hell but they were dating and once, just once, she wanted him to put her first.
His Aunt Paige had called their relationship tumultuous. Daryl had compared it to dry kindling; all it needed was one spark and the entire thing would go up in flames. Grandpa had warned Chris to be careful, explaining that he was worried about Bianca's temper.
Sometimes Chris wondered why no one worried about his temper.
But Bianca did.
He'd yell and scream and she'd drag him to the nearest chair, shove him into it, and tell him to shut the hell up. He'd tell her he wasn't fucking interested in anything she had to say – and then he'd hear his mother's voice in his head reprimanding him about the use of such language.
Bianca would just roll her eyes at him. She argued with him when he worked too hard, and insisted that he sleep when he got tired and eat when he got hungry, and she reminded him over and over that he wasn't infallible and he was just one person and she was so incredibly sick of his martyr complex.
It was ironic, really; of all the people in the Resistance – witches, magical creatures, and even non-magical mortals – it was an assassin who had taught him what it was like to be normal.
Which was why now, as Chris sat on the sofa in the back room at P3, he couldn't help but wonder what she would say if she could see him now. He was twenty-some odd years in the past, sitting in his not-yet mother's club contemplating the fact that he was probably going to cease to exist in a couple days. How was anything about this normal?
But Bianca would have had an answer to that, too, he thought bitterly. She would have pointed out to him that the situation might not be normal but he was still human and he had to remember his limitations.
He snorted. He didn't need a reminder of his limitations; he was clear on those.
He rubbed tiredly at his eyes. He needed to sleep, but how could he when he had so little time left? How could he get any rest with that damned clock ticking away, reminding him of how little time he had left before his conception date passed?
And even if he'd had all the time in the world, how could he sleep when he was haunted by nightmares?
"It's not a martyr complex when you actually do have to sacrifice everything to save the world," he muttered to the empty room.
Paige was more than a little surprised to find Chris standing at the Book when she entered the attic. She paused in the doorway, not bothering to hide her shock, and when Chris looked up at her, she met his gaze evenly.
"We've been calling you," she said.
Chris shrugged. "I had other things to do," he replied. He dropped his gaze once more to the Book.
Paige cleared her throat. "Piper really wants… she wants to talk to you."
Chris frowned slightly. "I'm busy," he said flatly. "I don't have time to talk to her."
"Are you sure you're not just avoiding her?" Paige demanded. Chris flinched at the accusation, and Paige was struck by how ill-concealed the gesture was. She had never imagined that she would see a version of Chris that didn't have his guard up and his calm façade in place.
What had hell done to him?
She noted idly that his hands had curled around the edge of the podium, and he was now gripping the stand so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.
"I have a lot to do," he said.
"Chris, please…" Paige entreated, taking a few tentative steps forward, "just talk to me. Let me help you. You look exhausted."
Chris lifted shadowed eyes and replied, "Don't do that." Paige raised an eyebrow questioningly and he continued, "Don't feed me lies. I know why you're here, Paige. You don't want to help me; you just want to get me to promise to help Piper."
"That's not true," Paige said firmly. And it wasn't true. She couldn't change what he thought or how he felt, but she was being entirely honest when she said she wanted to help him.
She wanted to help Piper, too. She just hoped those two desires weren't mutually exclusive.
Chris shrugged and slowly unclenched his fingers from the podium. He turned away from her and asked in a would-be casual tone, "Is Piper still trying to come up with a way to defeat Lucifer?"
"Yes," Paige answered. "Although the Elders are against it."
Chris whipped around suddenly at that. "What?" he demanded, his eyes filled with some incredibly strong emotion that she couldn't quite identify.
"The Elders are against it," Paige repeated, surprised by his reaction.
Chris blinked, sighed. "Of course they are," he spat, and it was the first time Paige had seen him show any emotion other than bewilderment towards Leo's most recent actions and subsequent fate.
"You want to help Leo," Paige said bluntly. She didn't really want to admit to it, but she'd had doubts before. For someone who had been so dedicated to saving Wyatt, saving his family, Chris hadn't really seemed to care that Leo was trapped in hell. When he'd first returned, she'd assumed that he would start on some mission to save Leo, and treat it the same way he'd treated his mission to save Wyatt – with the single-minded, stubborn, neurotic determination that had so often grated on all their nerves. She hadn't expected that the three sisters would be the ones trying to drag Chris back to the Manor to help.
For a while, she'd thought he didn't care about Leo. And that thought had left her feeling uneasy and worried… and alone. Because who could she really discuss it with? Piper wasn't receptive to any real discussion about Chris at the moment and she certainly wouldn't be open-minded during a discussion about Chris possibly not carrying about Leo. And Phoebe…
Honestly, Paige didn't know what Phoebe thought or how she felt. But she was starting to suspect that her middle sister didn't think Leo could be saved.
"I can't help Leo," Chris said, interrupting Paige's thoughts. "No one can."
"So you're just going to give up?" Paige asked sharply.
And once again, Chris flinched.
Once upon a time, Paige had had some sort of sixth sense for identifying and helping abused children. It was what had led her towards social work, what had made her want to help all those terrified children who would stare at her from the other side of the desk. She had been good at reading the signs – the distrust, the determination to do everyone on their own, the belief that no one would help them… and the belief that the hits would just keep coming.
Something about Chris was reminding her of that.
Was that an effect of hell? Or was it an effect of his past, of the hellish future he'd come to change?
"You don't understand, don't appreciate, how dangerous Lucifer is," Chris said finally. "You keep talking about this like… like you can save Leo. Like you can defeat the devil. You don't understand…" He trailed off and shook his head.
Paige opened her mouth to say something – though she really had no idea what – but was cut off by the sound of footsteps on the stairs behind her and then Piper walked into the attic.
And froze.
"Chris?" the eldest Charmed One asked in a strangled tone.
Chris jerked away from her, and Paige watched as Piper's hopeful expression fell at Chris' obvious reluctance to be around her. She didn't appear to be able to move forward, so she simple stood there.
But Chris looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and he, too, was frozen to the spot.
"Piper," Chris greeted finally. His tone was awkward and his entire body was stiff, and Paige could actually feel the tension thick in the air. There was a flicker of something – fear, maybe? – in his eyes, but then it was gone, smoothed away behind a mask of calm.
The mask still had far too many cracks in it.
"I heard you summoned Lola and she wasn't helpful," Chris said. "And now the Elders don't want you to get any more involved with Lucifer."
"I'm not giving up," Piper said firmly, a hint of anger in her tone. Chris stared at her and didn't answer, and she finally shook herself free of her frozen stupor and walked further into the room.
Paige watched the interaction warily.
"We've been calling you," Piper continued.
"Yes," Chris said, eyes darting sideways to land briefly on Paige. "That has already been brought to my attention."
"We could use your help."
Chris narrowed his eyes and Paige knew the entire conversation was about to go south and there was not a damn thing she could do to stop it.
"Help with what?" Chris asked. "A suicide mission? You can't win against Lucifer."
"I am not going to give up on this family!" Piper snapped in reply. "I am going to save Leo. And I want to help you, too. But you're avoiding me." There was a definite edge to her voice now.
Chris pursed his lips. "I've been busy," he said, and didn't quite meet her gaze.
"So have I," Piper said, taking another few steps forward. "So have Phoebe and Paige. But we should be working together… as a family."
"We're not a family," Chris said. The moment the words were out of his mouth his mask crumbled completely and he looked as though he would give anything to take back what he had said. But it had slipped out, and there was no going back.
Piper was gazing at Chris with desperate longing and something like anger, and Paige wanted to somehow remove that look from her sister's face. But then she looked at Chris and saw the fear again, and the exhaustion. And she wanted to interrupt, wanted to say something. Anything. Just something to stop this train wreck of a conversation before her sister and nephew crossed lines that couldn't be uncrossed.
But she couldn't think of anything that would stop this.
Why were words failing her now when she desperately needed them?
Chris took a very audible, shaky breath and lowered his gaze away from the two sisters.
"Chris, I…" Piper started, but then stopped abruptly as she drew close enough to see the page of the Book Chris was looking at. Her mouth fell open and the longing in her eyes was replaced by one of disbelief, and Paige stepped forward automatically.
Chris moved quickly, trying to slam the Book shut, but it was too late. Piper and Paige had both already seen the entry and Piper caught the Book cover before it could close completely.
"Time travel?" she demanded hoarsely, pushing the Book back open. "Portals?"
"I…" Chris started, but couldn't seem to finish.
"You're leaving us?" Piper asked.
Paige scanned the Book. The entry was about time portals, and it seemed to be the safest way to return to the future without requiring a Power of Three spell. There were risks, of course, but it would take him back…
Paige looked up in time to see Piper's expression close off completely as she waited for Chris to answer.
Chris closed his eyes. "I need to check on Wyatt," he said. "I need to make sure the future is really saved."
"I thought you believed Lucifer," Piper retorted, and she was now staring at Chris with such… disappointment. "I thought you said…"
"I said Lucifer can't lie," Chris interrupted angrily. "But like I have explained many times, the fact that he can't lie doesn't mean that we should believe him."
"But you can't leave!" Piper protested. "Leo…"
"Leo's gone, Piper!" Chris snarled.
Piper paled dramatically. One hand rose to hover over her slightly open mouth and her eyes filled with tears. Paige reached to reassuringly grip Piper's shoulder, but Piper just shrugged her off in an fury-filled movement.
A look of regret flitted through Chris' eyes and then was gone, replaced by an unyielding firmness.
"We will get him back," Piper said coldly.
"At what cost?" Chris retorted. "What are you going to sacrifice for him? Who are you going to sacrifice for him?" Piper didn't answer and Paige just watched in wide-eyed silence, and Chris pressed onwards, "If you had just left well enough alone and not tried to get me back in the first place…"
"You are my son! You are Leo's son! We love you."
"No, you don't," Chris countered ruthlessly. "You don't even know me, and what you did know about me you certainly didn't like. I was a nuisance and I was neurotic and I was in the way, but I gave everything for Wyatt and I deserved to have you listen to what I wanted just once. And what I wanted was for you to let me go!"
The tears pooled in Piper's eyes and began to slide over her lashes and slip down her skin. "Do you really think that would have saved the family?" she asked in a pain-filled tone. "Do you think trading one son for the other was ever going to be acceptable to us? And I do love you, Chris. Maybe I don't know you, but I want a chance to get to know you and I can't do that if you've traded your soul to the devil."
"And how do you think I feel now, knowing that Leo is gone because he tried to save me?" Chris retorted.
It was abundantly clear to Paige that he was blatantly ignoring the second part of Piper's statement, and Paige couldn't help but wonder if it was because he didn't believe that Piper wanted to get to know him or if it was because he didn't want to get to know them.
She was rather tempted to ask Chris, to find out what he would say.
But Piper had focused on a different part of Chris' words, and she asked in bewilderment and naked panic, "Tried? He did save you. I thought the deal… is Lucifer coming back for you?"
Chris shook his head mutely, then finally said, "No… no." He scrubbed at his eyes with one hand and said tiredly, "I just need to make sure the future is saved."
"Which you can do after we save Leo," Piper argued.
"I don't have time, Piper," Chris snapped.
They had reached an impasse, and it was clear – to Paige, at least – that nothing was going to change either of their minds. Chris' expression had become stony while Piper's kept alternating between pleading and anger, and the longer the argument continued the worse it would become.
"Chris, time travel would allow you to return to the future at any point," Paige said, cutting in gently. "Why are you in such a rush?"
"This isn't about…" Chris started, and then stopped and shook his head. "I never wanted Leo to do this," he said quietly. "And now he's just screwed up everything."
"Screwed up everything?" Piper repeated incredulously. "Is that really what you think? He gave his soul for you, to save you, and you think he screwed up?"
"Save me?" Chris nearly exploded at Piper. He stepped away from the Book, bearing down on Piper and Paige, and it was in that moment that Paige realized just how tall her nephew-from-the-future was. He was actually shaking with rage as he towered over them and spat, "Do you really think he saved me?"
"Chris…" Paige started, desperate to calm him down before the entire confrontation spun out of control. But he interrupted her, and maybe it was for the best – she still didn't know what she would say, anyway.
"He did the one thing he could to guarantee that I wouldn't be saved! He gave up his life before I had a chance to be conceived."
Chris was yelling now, and Piper's hands moved immediately to her stomach as though she could somehow protect the child that wasn't there yet. The tears had stopped, replaced by a look or utter horror and a dumbfounded silence.
Paige felt sick. How had that never occurred to her? How had it not occurred to Leo? How had none of them realized that Chris really was running out of time?
Chris spun around and stalked over towards the window. With his back to them, he said coldly, "My soul might not be in hell but what difference does it make?"
There was a moment of complete silence, then Piper said with clearly forced determination, "All the more reason to focus on getting Leo back." But her tone shook, belying the firmness of her words, and her eyes were haunted, as though some part of her doubted what she was saying.
"Is that all you can think about?" Chris asked bitterly. "Saving Leo?"
"I'm trying to save my family," Piper retorted. "We got you out, we can get Leo out, too. We have to get Leo out…" She trailed off, then cleared her throat and said softly, "We're going to fix this, sweetie."
"You're not listening!" Chris retorted. "God, you can't even… you can't even hear what I am saying."
"And you're not hearing what I am saying," Piper countered, her face flushing. "What Leo did was…"
"Stupid?" Chris cut in harshly. "Reckless? Dangerous? Counterproductive?"
Piper let out a long breath, trying – and failing – to hold in her temper. Paige could see all the warning signs and she could only assume that Chris saw them, too. But maybe he didn't care. Maybe he was past carrying about how what he said would affect Piper.
Maybe he was past carrying about anything.
So Paige spoke quickly, before Piper had a chance to say anything else, "Leo might not have thought through the consequences of what he did, but he did it for the right reasons."
Chris chuckled darkly. "Does it matter if his reasons were good?" he demanded in a viciously cold voice. "He still screwed up everything."
"Don't judge what he did!" Piper said, taking a few steps forward and placing her hands on her hips. Her eyes flashed dangerously and Paige knew – just absolutely knew – that everything was about to unravel.
"Why not?" Chris challenged, meeting her gaze steadily and refusing to back down. "I didn't ask him for this, and yet he went ahead and did it anyway. Never mind the kind of disaster it could cause. Why can't I judge him?"
"Because you did the same damn thing!" Piper yelled.
Her words were loud and angry and reverberated around the attic and Chris' mouth fell open in response.
Paige felt her heart start to race. She had to do something, had to stop this, couldn't just stand here and watch two people she loved yell at each other until they finally said things that could never be taken back…
"You traded your soul to save Wyatt without any thought of how he would feel about that. You traded your soul without any thought of how this family would feel about it. You did it because it was what you wanted to do and you didn't think about what the rest of us might have wanted and now you actually dare to stand there and judge Leo for doing the exact same thing?"
The anger was a defense mechanism to cover the hurt. Chris was hurting her now, and Lucifer and Leo had hurt her in the past, and lately it seemed like all the Elders ever did was hurt her – Piper was hurt, and she was lashing out in response. Paige knew that, Chris had to have known it; even Piper must have known it. It was one of the more unfortunate Halliwell characteristics – that an a stubbornness that knew no bounds.
Piper had both those traits.
And apparently Chris had inherited them as well.
"I was trying to save the world," he snarled, hitting back hard. "You were just trying to deal with your own guilt."
"If you wanted to save the world, you could have just killed Wyatt," Piper shot back, splotches of red appearing on her cheeks. "That would have saved the world. But you didn't do that. You gave up your soul to Lucifer because you decided it would be easier for you. It was alright for us to have to deal with the fact that we couldn't save you, but not for you to ever have to deal with the fact that you couldn't save Wyatt."
"Did you want me to kill him?"
"Of course not! But I didn't want to trade you for him, either. Did you even stop for a second to think about what your loss would do to this family?"
Chris narrowed his eyes. "I didn't occur to me at the time. I wasn't under the impression that you had cared much about me then."
Piper opened her mouth to say something, but before she could utter a sound, he orbed away.
Because you did the same damn thing!
Piper's words echoed in Chris' mind, refusing to leave him alone. He wanted to forget them, wanted to refute them, wanted so badly for that accusation not to be true.
But it was.
He had done the same thing. For all his anger at them, all his fury at the way they had interfered with his plans, putting everything in jeopardy – he was not exempt from the Halliwell tradition of sacrifice. He had given his soul for Wyatt, and no matter how much he had claimed that it had been to save the world, some part of him always knew it was for his brother.
He had loved Bianca because she was the first person outside of his family to treat him like a normal human being. But sometimes… sometimes he'd hated her for it, too.
She'd been the one to point out that bitter truth, to whisper it to him in the middle of the night when there was no one else around to hear – we both know, Chris, that there is a very good chance you would simply let the world burn if it meant saving Wyatt.
Sometimes he thought he was stronger than that. Sometimes he thought he could live with his brother's blood on his hands if he had to – that the world always came first. Sometimes he thought he believed in the Greater Good.
But most of the time he knew none of that was true.
After all, if he'd been okay with killing a baby to save the world, how did that make him any different from Gideon?
And how could he hold Leo to a higher standard when he himself had been willing to make that initial sacrifice? How could he blame Piper for believing she could defeat Lucifer when he had been the one to open the can of worms by making the first deal?
Bianca had never blamed him for putting Wyatt above everything else. She'd never once told him that his willingness to sacrifice the world for his family made him a bad person. Whenever she saw that conflict in his eyes during strategy meetings and tactical conferences, whenever she knew he was struggling under the almost unbearable burden of juggling two different desires, she'd just squeeze his hand and whisper something comforting.
Usually, she reminded him that he felt this way because he was only human, and he shouldn't expect anything else from himself.
But she hadn't let him lie about it, either. At least not to her, and certainly not to himself. She made him face the reality that Wyatt was more important to him than anything else in the world. She made him face the reality that he was only human.
And he'd hated her for it.