Chapter Fifteen: Apologies

Leo had said he was sorry.

The subsequent conversation with Michael had diverted Leo to other topics – namely the possibility that the Elders would send Chris back to the future and then attempt to recycle Leo, or worse – but Chris was still stuck on one simple fact.

Leo had said he was sorry.

Chris watched warily as Piper ranted on about the insufferable Elders and their interfering ways. He'd stopped listening a while ago. He'd heard this all before; his mother had despised the Elders in the future, too. She had nothing new to say, and Chris had more pressing concerns.

Leo was always sorry. Always. In the future, those had been the most common words out of his mouth. Chris, I'm so sorry, buddy, but…

God, Chris hated apologies.

"They can't just send him back!" Piper finished, throwing her hands into the air. Leo and Chris both instinctively ducked, but nothing exploded. Clearly, Piper had a better handle on her emotions than either of them had realized.

"It's not a big deal," Chris interrupted.

Piper and Leo turned to stare at him. Leo's expression was one of mild surprise, but Piper looked furious. It took Chris a moment to realize that she wasn't angry at him – not really. This was just residual from her fury at the Elders, and underneath the veneer of anger was hurt.

She was upset that he would so casually dismiss his eminent departure.

He sighed. "It's not like we didn't know that I'd go back some day," he said pointedly. "I worked to save the future, Piper. I want to go back, want to experience it. Bianca will be alive and Wyatt will be good and I…"

He stopped. The very idea that he'd have his brother and his fiancée back nearly took his breath away.

"Chris, sweetie," Piper started, and then flinched at the way Chris stiffened when she used that endearment. There was a moment of tense silence, and then she said, "It's not that we don't want you to go back eventually. But the Elders don't have the right to decide when."

"It's over," Chris said. "Wyatt is good, Leo is back, I've been…" he grimaced and shot a quick look at Piper's stomach, furious at the universe that it would force him to even think about something like this, "conceived."

Leo gave Piper a sickeningly sweet smile, and Piper practically glowed as she rested her hands on her stomach.

The look in Piper's eyes right then… it unnerved Chris for reasons he couldn't quite explain.

He pushed away the thought and said, "It's time for me to go back."

Piper looked like she wanted to argue, but it was Leo who spoke first. "I'd like a chance to get to know you."

Chris snorted. "You've had several months to get to know me, Leo," he snapped. He jerked his head at Piper's stomach and added, "And you'll have several more years – assuming you stick around long enough to act like a father."

Leo blanched and Piper looked shocked.

"Of course I'll be around," Leo said. "How could you think I wouldn't?"

Chris rubbed at his eyes. "Never mind," he said, "it doesn't matter. I'm just… ready, alright? I'm ready to go back."

He wasn't sure if he was eager to return to the future because he wanted to see what it was like or because he just really wanted to get out of the past. It didn't matter either way, he decided, because it didn't impact his decision. He wanted out.

"I don't like the idea of you leaving yet," Piper said. "I… we'd miss you. Like Leo said, we want a chance to get to know you."

"You can get to know me in the future," Chris forced himself to say.

Unless, of course, she died when he turned fourteen. She hadn't gotten a chance to know him in the old future. She'd only known the innocent young boy who loved Wyatt and thought his mother was the most amazing person in the world and had never experienced loss.

She'd never gotten to know the man Chris would become, the man he had become.

"But you're my son," Leo said. "I want to know you now."

"You do know me now," Chris argued. "You've known me for months. I'm not a different person now than I was when I first came to the past. Just because you know now that we're related doesn't mean…"

"Chris, please…" Piper interrupted.

Chris turned away from Leo and faced her. "You always want to fix things," he said. "You always tried. You were always…" He shook his head, trying to push away those thoughts. The lines between Piper and Mom had blurred, and he wasn't sure which side he was standing on anymore.

And he couldn't afford that. Not just because it was easier if she was Piper and he didn't have to deal with her as though she was his mother, but also because of the memories that came rushing back.

She couldn't be his mother, because he didn't want to lose her all over again.

He could still remember with such vivid clarity exactly when and how his mother had died.

But she was still staring at him, and those eyes reminded him too much of his mother, of the stern glares she would give whenever he and Wyatt misbehaved. Being at the receiving end of one of the glares was not something he could take, not now, not when he was trying so desperately to keep Piper and Mom separate in his head. It brought up too many memories, too much scary déjà vu that he just wasn't ready to deal with yet.

"It's over," he said again, his voice firm and hard. "It's over. I get to go home."

"But you're the one who was convinced that this wasn't over," Piper countered, "that Lucifer was still playing us somehow."

Chris winced. "Yeah…" He looked away from Piper, unable to stop the growing unease in his stomach. It was true that he didn't believe this was over. But he didn't want to stay, and at this point he wasn't entirely sure that his continued presence would even do any good. He didn't know what Lucifer was after so how could he fight it?

Besides, the Charmed Ones were plenty capable of taking care of themselves.

And this isn't just your way of rationalizing your desire to run? a little voice – one that sounded unnervingly like Bianca – echoed in his mind.

"Let's just… let's have a family meeting," Piper suggested, a hint of desperation in her voice. "We can talk about this… talk about Lucifer. Maybe we can figure out what he's planning…"

Out of the corner of his eye, Chris saw Leo flinch at the suggestion of calling Paige and Phoebe. That was interesting – what had Leo's hell been like? – but Chris didn't have much time to think about it. He had to focus instead on Piper's idea, because he really didn't want to get roped into what would undoubtedly be another awkward meeting.

"This isn't necessary, Piper," he said.

Piper shook her head and said stubbornly, "Yes, it is." As usual, she seemed to be giving no thought to the desires of anyone else and Chris knew by the firm set of her jaw and the hard look in her eyes that he had no chance of talking her out of this.

But he'd inherited her stubbornness. "There isn't anything to talk about, Piper. None of us have any idea what Lucifer is after. All I have is a gut feeling, and that's hardly enough to go on."

"Well, we have to do something," Piper protested. "Paige!" she called towards the ceiling, knowing her half white-lighter sister would hear her wherever she was. "Family meeting in ten minutes. Bring Phoebe."

"Piper…"

"Why do you think I won't be around when you're older?" Leo asked, apparently deciding now was as good a time as any to go back to the previous topic of conversation. "Did I… leave?"

Chris rolled his eyes. "It doesn't matter," he said. "Just forget it, okay?"

"I can't forget it," Leo replied. "Whatever it was I did, I'm sorry…"

"Don't," Chris cut him off sharply, his voice low and dangerous. "Don't apologize. Don't tell me that you're sorry."

Leo looked at him, aghast. "But…" he started, but Chris waved his hand, signaling for Leo to stop.

He didn't want to hear it.

Leo wasn't the only one who was always apologizing in the future. Wyatt had, too. The first year after his mother died and before Wyatt had fully turned, when he had started down the path to darkness but had still had some light in him…

I'm sorry I couldn't save Mom, but I can make those demons pay for her death.

I'm sorry I can't be there for you right now, Chris, but I work to do.

I'm sorry I didn't come home last night, Chris, and I'm sorry I worried you, but I needed to stop that demonic clan.

And that final apology.

I'm sorry, Chris, but you need to pick a side.

His mother, too, had been full of apologies. Usually they were attached to excuses for Leo, and her own anger had never been fully covered by the sympathy she tried to convey. It had taken him a long time to learn that the anger wasn't directed entirely at Leo, that there were others to blame.

It had taken him a long time to realize that some of that anger was directed inward – that she blamed herself for Leo's absence.

And then there had been her final words as she lay bleeding on the kitchen floor – Chris, sweetie, I'm so sorry…

Chris' thoughts were disrupted by the arrival of Paige and Phoebe, who appeared in the kitchen in bright white and blue orbs. Phoebe looked worn and a little frayed around the edges, the emotions in the house clearly getting to her. But she forced a smile for everyone else's benefit, even if the smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

Paige let go of Phoebe's arm and asked in immediate concern. "Is everything alright?"

"Michael paid us a visit," Piper said in a clipped tone.

Paige's expression hardened, and Chris bit back a smirk at that. But the smirk faded a second later, and he felt unease. Paige had not gotten along well with the Elders in the future, either, and it was moments like these that reminded him that the lines he used to separate the Charmed Ones of the present from his family in the future were already starting to blur.

"What did he want?" Phoebe asked, leaning against the wall as though she needed the support to stay upright. Even with the empathy-blocking potion both her sisters and Chris had taken, it was clear that she could feel enough to cause her pain.

Not for the first time, Chris was glad he had never inherited the power of empathy.

"He wanted to know about the deal we had made with Lucifer," Leo answered, his body tense.

"You can't tell him!" Paige said automatically. "Lucifer will come back for Chris' soul."

"We know," Piper assured her.

"We didn't tell him," Chris said. "He threatened to send me back to the future," and here Chris cast an annoyed look at Piper and Leo as he added, "which I don't have a problem with. But he also barred Leo from Up There and the Elders are currently deciding what to do with him."

"They can't take him," Phoebe protested. "We just got him back."

"We don't know what they're planning," Leo said softly, not looking at Phoebe.

"But they are planning something, and I doubt it is to offer you a medal," Piper retorted pointedly. "Between that and Chris' belief that Lucifer is still up to something…" She shrugged. "I'm worried."

"What can we do to protect Leo from the other Elders?" Paige asked, looking to the others for ideas.

"We could point out to them why angering us isn't a good idea," Piper suggested, her lips twisting into an icy smirk.

"I don't think violence is the right answer," Leo murmured.

Piper huffed, displeased.

"Maybe there is some kind of spell in the Book," Paige said. "I mean… what do we really think the Elders are going to do? At worst, recycle him. So maybe we can find a spell that will prevent them from being able to do that. Something to… I don't know…" She trailed off, grasping at ideas.

"It's possible that there is a spell that would cloak his soul from them," Chris said, nodding his head in agreement with Paige's idea. "If they can't get to his soul, they can't recycle it."

"Alright, so we'll look in the Book," Piper said. "And if there is nothing there, we'll try to write a spell. But what about Lucifer?"

"I hate to say this, but… I think we might just need to wait for him to make the next move," Phoebe said wearily. Piper, Leo, and Paige all gave her incredulous looks, but Chris had to agree with her assessment.

"We don't know what he is planning," he said. "It's too dangerous to try to talk to him now – who knows what he could do if we continue getting involved with him. I think our best bet is to wait." Piper was still gaping, and Chris sighed. "Believe me, I don't like it any better than you do."

"What about Lola?" Paige asked. "What if we talk to her? We still have to hold up our end of the deal. We need to arrange for someone to try to vanquish her and then save her from it so that the premonition doesn't come true."

Phoebe smiled slightly. "That was such a convoluted plan," she remarked.

"But it worked," Piper replied, giving Leo and Chris warm smiles.

Leo returned the smile; Chris did not.

"I'll look in the Book for a spell to protect Leo from the Elders," Paige said. "Chris, can you contact Lola?"

Chris nodded, hating that he was being pulled into these plans that would force him to stay in the past longer, but not seeing any way out of it.

"I'll go with Chris," Leo said quickly.

Chris bit back a groan as Piper nodded in agreement. "Phoebe and I can help Paige with the spell," the eldest Halliwell said.

And just like that, Chris found himself aligned with the last person he wanted to spend any time with, working on a task he didn't really want to be doing in the first place. But Piper didn't seem to notice his reluctance – or she just didn't care. As usual, everything had worked out the way she wanted.

And Chris couldn't even argue with it, because it was a good plan, and perhaps the only viable option they had to protect Leo and the rest of the family.

As the three sisters left the kitchen, Chris turned to Leo and said in a businesslike manner, "We can try summoning Lola, although Piper has…"

"Why don't you call her Mom?" Leo asked.

Chris flinched. "She's not my mother yet," Chris said, although that argument was no longer strictly true. She was pregnant with him, and that made her his mother, even if he wasn't born yet. Even if she hadn't raised him.

Perhaps that would have been the more accurate reply. He didn't call her Mom because she was not the mother he had known, the one who had raised him, the one he had loved unconditionally for the first fourteen years of his life and had idealized after her death.

Leo looked like he wanted to protest, but Chris didn't want to hear it, so he said quickly, "As I was saying, because Piper has already summoned Lola twice in the past several days, she's probably figured out a way to prevent herself from being summoned again. A blocking spell or something."

"But she knows Piper isn't going to hurt her," Leo countered. "They made a deal."

"Well, technically I made the deal with her," Chris answered. "And our deals aren't enforced the way Lucifer's are. We could go back on them at any time and not suffer any consequences. She knows that, and even if she assumes that we aren't going to betray her, she'll still be a little wary." He paused, then added wryly, "Also, most demons don't like being summoned by good witches. It's the principle of the thing – they shouldn't be at the beck and call of their enemies."

"You know a lot about how demons think," Leo commented.

There was no accusation in his voice – just curiosity. But Chris stiffened nonetheless.

"I do," he said shortly.

"Why do you…" Leo started, and then stopped. There was a hesitancy in his voice that Chris found jarring and out-of-place. One of the many things he had disliked about both this Leo and his father was the way he always spoke as though he knew more than anyone else.

Of course, as a white-lighter and then Elder he had known more, and he had never tried to put other people down because of their lack of knowledge. But Chris had been somewhat rebellious as a child and a teenager, and while he had been a complete Mama's boy, hanging off of every word his mother said, he had not felt the same way about Leo.

It was harder to keep Leo and Dad separate in his mind. There were substantial differences between Piper and Mom, between Paige and Phoebe and Aunt Paige and Aunt Phoebe. But not between Leo and Dad.

Except this hesitancy, this diffidence. And that wasn't even a true difference – it was more likely an effect of whatever type of hell Lucifer had sent Leo's soul to.

"Why are you so angry with me?" Leo asked finally. "What did I do?"

"It's not…" Chris pressed his hands into the kitchen counter, willing himself to stay calm. The emotions were bubbling in his chest again, threatening to explode.

He could so vividly remember what it had been like to be six and have his father miss his birthday. It was the first time it had happened, but it wouldn't be the last. And the little boy inside of him, the one who had never gotten over that disappointment, wanted to lash out.

Chris had spent years repressing his feelings, forcing them down instead of dealing with them. It hadn't been healthy, but it had been necessary. He'd been fighting a war – he didn't have time for therapy.

But those repressed emotions were quite eager to break free.

"Future consequences," he said at last.

"But I can't change if you don't tell me what I did wrong," Leo protested desperately. Chris remained silent, and Leo said, "Maybe you didn't come back just to save Wyatt. Maybe you came back to save us."

"I doubt it," Chris said with a callous laugh.

"I'm sorry," Leo murmured.

"Stop saying that!" Chris snapped.

"I don't know what else to say," Leo replied honestly. "Why do you hate apologies so much?"

Chris narrowed his eyes. "You know what?" he said. "I'll go look for Lola myself. You stay here. Maybe the sisters could use your help."

And without waiting for a reply, he orbed away.

He reappeared in the Underworld. With his orb trail blocked by the magics of the Underworld, Leo wouldn't be able to find him here.

He leaned against the cold stone wall of the cavernous corridor he had orbed into and cursed furiously. Tears pricked at his eyes but he blinked them away, unwilling to let himself fall apart now.

Why did he hate apologies so much?

It wasn't the apologies from Wyatt and his parents that had finally convinced him of the utter worthlessness of the word sorry. They certainly hadn't helped, of course, and they had even served a purpose in setting the stage for his later fury. They had made him predisposed towards believing that apologies were pointless, but it wasn't until later that he had really come to loathe the word.

That moment had come when he had been the one to utter it.

He closed his eyes, remembering.

The room had been full of Resistance members, but Chris had been paying attention to only two of them. Even Bianca, standing at his side with her hand resting lightly on his arm, had faded from his awareness. All of his focus had been on Aunt Paige and Grandpa.

He'd still been clutching that damned potion vile in his hands and her blood had still been on his clothes, and he'd looked at the only two family members he had left besides Wyatt – and did Wyatt even count? – and he'd apologized.

He'd choked out words that didn't do justice to the pain and horror he felt. They were trivial – almost offensive. How could such a commonplace word fully encompass everything he had done, everything he hadn't wanted to do, everything they had all lost?

I'm sorry. I didn't have a choice. She was standing in the way, and she wouldn't let me through – she tried to stop me. I'm sorry, but I had to. I… I didn't want… didn't mean… I killed Prue. I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Everyone was always sorry.

And he'd long since learned that it never made anything better.

"Why are you afraid of me?"

Leo nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Phoebe's voice. He'd been standing in the kitchen trying to sense Chris, but to no avail. He knew it wouldn't work – Chris had to be in the Underworld at the moment – but it didn't stop him from trying. And he'd been so wrapped up in finding his missing son that he'd missed the sound of Phoebe's entrance.

His eyes darted towards the door, but no one else entered the kitchen. He was alone. With Phoebe.

"I'm not afraid of you," he said.

"I'm an empath, Leo," Phoebe said. "I can sense your fear." She took a step closer. "Whatever Lucifer did to you…"

"He didn't do anything to me," Leo said bitterly.

Phoebe raised an eyebrow. "He trapped you in hell," she countered.

"I trapped myself in hell," Leo answered quietly. "And hell wasn't something Lucifer had made up. It was just… me."

He knew his statement didn't make any sense to Phoebe, but he couldn't explain it to her without elaborating on hell, and he really didn't want to start talking about it.

"You remember hell?" Phoebe asked, surprised.

Leo nodded.

"Chris doesn't," Phoebe mused. "I wonder why that is."

"I'm sure Lucifer has the ability to create different hells for different people," Leo replied. He looked away from Phoebe. He wasn't sure if he envied Chris for not being able to remember. Was it better or worse to feel the aftermath of hell without remembering the thing itself?

"You're afraid, Leo," Phoebe said, turning the conversation back to her initial question. "I can feel it." She reached out, placed a hand on his shoulder and ignored the way he jerked away from her touch. "I just want to help you, but I can't do that if you won't talk to me."

"I'm not afraid of you," Leo said again. And it was the truth.

Phoebe studied him, then asked, "Then why does your fear skyrocket every time I enter the room? You feel the same way about Paige, too."

Leo pressed his lips into a flat line and determinedly said nothing.

"Come on, Leo," Phoebe pressed. "The Elders might send Chris back to the future soon, who knows what they are going to try to do to you… Piper's worried and upset, and my head feels like it is continually being crushed by all the emotions in this house. And you're not helping."

It had never really bothered Leo that he was expected to put the Charmed Ones first. As their white-lighter, that had been his job, and while he'd occasionally been less than thrilled with the inconveniences they'd cause him, he'd accepted it. Then he'd fallen in love with Piper and it was no longer just his job to protect her – it was his calling, his mission, his very life's goal.

He'd gone as far as defying direct orders from the Elders, and that had resulted in his wings getting clipped. And they hadn't even been together at the time. In fact, she'd been dating someone else.

That hadn't mattered. She was everything to him, and he was happy to sacrifice anything for her.

Until he became an Elder. That was the one time that he hadn't been able to give in to what she had wanted, and it had cost him.

It had cost her, too. And it had cost Wyatt.

But now Phoebe wanted him to overcome his own problems so that he could help Piper and he just… couldn't.

Of course, he didn't believe that he was the only one making sacrifices in this relationship, and he wasn't ignoring the numerous times Piper had saved him from demons – both internal and external.

He wanted to help her, wanted to ease her worry and share her burdens, wanted them to be partners again the way they were before the divorce.

But hell had made him wary.

"We just want to help you," Phoebe said softly.

"You can't," Leo answered, anger licking at his insides like flames. Why wouldn't Phoebe just listen to him?

His anger must have shown in his expression – or maybe Phoebe had sensed it. Either way, she took a surprised step backwards.

Hell had been killing Gideon.

There had been no sense of time in hell – or wherever it was Lucifer had sent him. It wasn't that he had relived a memory over and over; it was that he had never left that memory. That split-second had been stretched out into what felt like eternity. He was forever killing Gideon.

The hatred he had felt when actually killing Gideon… and the rage, the pain, the desperation, the fear… the betrayal… was all he had felt in hell. Those emotions had filled him, wreaking havoc on his psyche, never letting go, never releasing him from their torment.

The vicious triumph that had flared within him at the sight of Gideon's body writhing in pain as the electricity from Leo's hands coursed through him…

Leo had felt that for an eternity, too.

Killing Gideon – a former mentor, former friend – and being pleased about it was the worst thing Leo had ever done.

It didn't matter that it had only been days in hell, and not years or decades or centuries. Without a sense of time, without a belief that this would ever end, those emotions had become such a fundamental part of him that he didn't know how to feel anything else. Now that he was out of hell, the littlest thing made him enraged.

His love for Piper was enough to overcome the more negative emotions. That love was stronger then even Lucifer's manipulations, and he felt safer around her, knowing that his love for her would keep him grounded, keep him sane.

But, though he loved Paige and Phoebe dearly, it wasn't stronger than the hatred within him.

He wasn't afraid of Phoebe. He was afraid for her. He was afraid that his anger would break through his self-control and he'd do something he couldn't take back.

His fears only materialized when it was someone he loved before him. He hadn't minded arguing with Michael, hadn't cared about the rage simmering underneath the surface then, because he didn't care if he hurt Michael. As much as he had at one point been in awe of the other Elder – and even now had a begrudging respect for him – it didn't worry him that he might end up lashing out.

He wasn't a big fan of the other Elders at the moment. And the feeling seemed to be mutual.

"Leo," Phoebe breathed, worry etched into the lines of her face, "please…"

But whatever she was about to say was cut off by the sudden pull Leo felt tugging at his chest. His eyes went wide and he locked gazes with Phoebe for a fraction of a second. He saw his own apprehension reflected in her expression, and knew she was sensing his emotions.

"The Elders…" he started, but was unable to finish the sentence before his body burst into a million tiny orbs that were drawn upwards, towards Up There.

The Elders had summoned him.