Surprise, I'm not dead! I feel terrible for going so long without an update, but hopefully this is decent enough? Um, yes, apologizing now for the ending of this chapter and please don't hate me. If it makes any of you feel any better, I dropped my phone and shattered the screen, so we'll call that payback. Anyways, here's the chapter and, as always, enjoy!

Note: I think Ashley belongs to Dean now more than she belongs to me. Oops.

My eyes fluttered open slowly and I smiled as I took in the scene before me. Dean was sprawled out on the bed next to me, snoring lightly. One of his arms was draped across my back, keeping me near him. Not wanting to wake him up, I tried to silently slide out of the bed. His arm tightened around me almost immediately and he pulled me against his side. He groaned tiredly and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he stretched. His eyes met with mine and a grin spread across his face. "Hey," his voice was rough with sleep, making my toes curl. "H-Hey," I struggled to form a response as I became lost in his sleepy green eyes. He chuckled as he pulled me under him, his lips warm against mine. "Good morning," he hummed against my neck as I felt him stir against my thigh. I pulled his mouth back up to mine, my tongue darting out to stroke his, "Morning." He slid one hand down my lower back, rubbing the sore muscles there and I groaned. "You okay, babe?"
"Just sore," I brushed my thumb over his cheek as he looked at me worriedly, "It's nothing."
"M'sorr–" I put my hand over his mouth to cut him off. "Stop saying sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, Dean." He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, "I just– I mean, if I hurt you... I-I couldn't live with myself, Angel." I could see in his eyes that he wasn't going to take another bullshit, "It'll be fine." I struggled for words as fear and pain flashed across his face. "I can't," he whispered, "Ashley, I can't hurt another person I love. Not you. Please, I can't." I reached up and took his face in my hands as he started to tremble, locking eyes with him as I spoke slowly. "Dean, I need you to take a deep breathe, okay? You're letting fear get the better of you– just... relax for a minute. Close your eyes and breathe, okay?" His eyes slowly closed and he took long, deep breathes. I watched him, gently stroking his cheeks to let him know I was there. What the hell had gotten into him? He had completely let his fear take control. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open and met mine, searching for something in them. "What's going on, Dean?" He bowed his head, running his hands over the back of his neck. I wasn't sure if he was thinking or shutting me out, so I kissed the top of his head and said the only thing that I thought would impact him, "I love you." His hands stopped on his neck and his whole body froze. I swallowed loudly, panicked by his reaction, "Dean?" He didn't move. I closed my eyes and dropped my head back on the pillow, fighting back tears. God, I was such an idiot. I knew Dean just wanted to get laid, and even if he did fall in love, it would never be with me. I felt his lips on mine and I struggled to not kiss him back. I pushed his chest, turning to sit on the side of the bed. "Ashley? What's wrong?"
"I don't know, Dean," I tried to sound angry but ended up trying to keep my voice steady, "you told me you didn't want to hurt me and then I said I loved you and you... If you want me to leave, just say it, Dean." I felt his cheek press up against my back as his arms wrapped around me. "How could you think I want that? Don't leave again, please. I-I don't know how to explain this, Angel. Believe me, I wish I knew how, but I don't."
"Try," I whispered, "Please try, Dean, because I don't know what's going on."
"This– this thing between us, Ashley, I've never had this before. I don't know what to do. I sleep with someone and I leave before the sun even comes up, I don't stay– I've never wanted to. But with you, I just– I want to. I want to see you in the morning. I wanna wake up next to you. But I don't know if... what I do is right or wrong. Normal or not. I always have these– these questions buzzing around in my head. What if she leaves and doesn't come back? What if I can't protect her and she gets hurt? What if I do the wrong thing and screw the one good thing in my life up? What happens when I break down again because I'm scared of losing her, and then freeze up like a dumbass when she tells me she loves me? I'm sorry I froze. I'm sorry I made it look like I wanted you to leave. I'm sorry you have to put up with all my shit. I'm sorry you had to go falling in love with the idiot who can't even say 'I love you' right. I'm sorry you fell in love with me." I turned around and looped my arms around his neck, trying to get as close to him as possible. "Why would you say that?" I whispered softly. "Because I am," my heart broke as he held back the tears that welled up in his eyes, "I'm sorry you chose to love me– the most broken, pathetic man on the planet. I always fall apart and cry like a damn baby about my nightmares, when no one gives a shit anyways. Nobody wants to hear about me and my problems." His tears finally spilled out and he wiped them away angrily, "And now I'm crying like a fucking idiot, again."
"You're wrong." He looked at me as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. All the years of pain and anger and sadness he kept inside resurfaced at once and shone in his eyes. "You're wrong," I murmured again, trying to soothe him as I kissed him softly, "People care about you– I care about you. I want to hear it all. Every single thing that's hurt you."
"I-I can't."
"Please, just try for me? I've seen what this does to you, Dean. I can't watch you walk around with this– this crushing weight on your shoulders, and pretend you're fine when it's killing you inside. Maybe I won't be able to heal the scars, but I can try to take away the pain." He put my hand over his heart, holding it in place as he struggled to talk through his tears. "Can you...? I-I don't know how to–" I leaned forward and kissed him again, "Shhh, it's okay, babe. Show me. Let me in." He closed his eyes and dropped his forehead against mine, his breathing speeding up slightly. All the other times I had seen things was nothing compared to this. Everything happened at once, but at the same time, it was separate. His nightmares, his fights with Sam and John, all the cases he had worked that ended up with people getting hurt, his time in Hell. Everything that had ever scared, angered, and hurt him. I was filled with things like pain and anger and loss and sadness, all at once. I could have been watching for a few seconds or a few minutes– the sheer magnitude of it made it impossible to tell. He suddenly pushed my hands off his chest, cutting off the memories. I tried to open my eyes, only to realize that I was sobbing with him. I forced myself to breathe and clear my eyes– to show him that I understood. He sighed and opened his mouth as my lips grazed over his, taking any comfort he could get. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing myself against him. He groaned softly at the skin on skin contact, sliding his hands over my back. "Ashley, wait," I looked up into his eyes as he spoke quietly, "I love you. I didn't say it before, and, I just– I love you."
"I know." He reached up and smoothed his palm over my cheek, tilting my face up to meet his warm lips. "I love you, Angel, even if I don't always say it." My hands curled around his neck as I kissed him roughly, moaning when his tongue stroked over mine teasingly. I started to crawl out of his lap and pulled him up with me. His tongue continued to explore my mouth thoroughly, either not caring or not noticing that we were standing up. His eyes instantly snapped open as I broke away. "I'm gonna take a shower," I said in a rush as his eyes looked over me hungrily and he licked his lips. His teeth scraped lightly over my ear lobe as he talked in a low voice, "Mmm, you're gonna miss the best part if you leave." He rolled his hips and I gasped as he rubbed up against me. I blinked a few times as my head clouded with desire and I lost my train of thought. God, he was turning me on so badly, I could barely even see straight. "I'm gonna get in the shower," I swallowed loudly as my heart pounded against my chest, "And you're coming with me." His eyes darkened and he moaned as his length twitched against my stomach. "Oh, yeah," I smirked against his lips as I kissed him again, "You're definitely coming with me, big guy."
O.o
"Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay, Sam. Yes, we'll be there. Uh-huh. Yeah, we're getting ready right now. Sammy, for the love of– GOODBYE SAM," Dean groaned as he tossed the phone on the nightstand and covered his eyes with his arm. "This is 'getting ready right now?'" I snickered softly. A smile tugged at the edge of his lips, "It's getting ready to get up and get ready." "Oh yeah? To me it looks like someone just got me hot and sweaty again, after I just showered."
"Is that what you were trying to do? Shower?" He grinned as he leaned down and kissed me, "Didn't seem like that when you couldn't keep your hands off my–" He was cut off as his phone rang loudly. "God dammit, Sam," he growled into the phone, causing me to giggle against his shoulder. He suddenly sat up, "What? How many?" Sensing the change in his voice, I sat up next to him– studying his face as he listened intently to whatever Sam was saying. "Sammy, there's– there's no way we can handle that." My stomach churned with fear. If Dean outright said there was no way they could take whatever it was, it had to be pretty damn bad. "It doesn't make any sense– what would they be looking for?" His gaze shifted over to me and he froze as the color drained from his face. "What? What's wrong?" I asked worriedly. "No. No, Sam we have to leave–"
"Dean."
"–we can't stay here, Sam! Maybe I've gotten other people hurt before, but I am going to make damn sure that she doesn't!"
"Dean!" I shoved his shoulder roughly, desperate to get his attention. He looked at me surprisedly as I quivered with fear. Before I knew what was happening, he was pulling me into his lap and wrapping his strong arms around me. I buried my face into the crook of his neck and listened to his soothing voice in my ear. "It's okay. It'll be okay, Angel. I'm gonna keep you safe. I won't let you get hurt, I promise."
"Keep me safe from what?" I whispered against his neck. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and kissed my temple, saying nothing. My breathing suddenly increased and the only thing I could hear was my racing heartbeat pounding against my chest. "Dean," I clutched his shoulders as I gasped and sputtered for breathe. "What? What's wrong?"
"Can't... breathe," I struggled as my vision went blurry. "Hey! Hey, woah," he cradled my face as my head started to droop, "Focus on me, okay? Relax, Angel."

~Flashback~
"D-Dad!" I wailed as I breathed heavily and the room started spinning. I didn't understand– one minute I was sleeping, and the next I was jolting awake as I fought for a lungful of air. He was there almost instantly, pulling me against his broad chest that was strengthened from long days of training. "Shhh, it's okay, honey. Just breathe. Relax, Angel." I curled against his chest, trying to match my breathes to his steady heartbeat. "Dad, what's wrong with me?" I asked quietly after I had regained my breathe. "Having a panic attack, doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, sweetie. Now, go back to sleep, okay?"
"Yeah," I mumbled as I crawled back into my bed, "Okay."
~End flashback~
"Ashley!" My eyes instantly snapped up to his as I jolted back to reality. He just stared at me wide-eyed, his expression both scared and worried at the same time. I gave a weak smile, "I'm fine." Before I even knew what was happening, he pulled me against him and buried his face in my hair. "Dean?" I spoke softly against his neck after he'd sat in silence for what felt like years. "Are you okay?" He murmured quietly, almost afraid to speak. I nodded and he sighed deeply as he pressed his lips to my forehead. "Are you okay?" I asked as I leaned back to look at him. "I would be if you didn't giving me a freaking heart attack." He chucked but I could sense the sadness and worry behind it– I had really freaked him out. "I-I haven't had a panic attack since I was twelve," I looked up at him through my lashes, "I'm sorry if I scared you." He closed his eyes as I reached up and lightly trailed my fingers down his jaw. I twirled the hair on the back of his neck with my fingers as I kissed up his chest– my lips barely grazing his skin. I kissed up his neck, feeling the vibrations from his low hums. "I love you," I whispered as I pressed my lips to the outer shell of his ear. He opened his mouth to speak, moaning quietly instead when my lips finally met his. He pressed his forehead against mine, smiling for a split second and then sighing, "We have to leave."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Angel, just– just," he huffed angrily, "look, you don't need to worry about it. Okay?" I laughed bitterly, "Right, because it's not like I just had a panic attack over this. But whatever, obviously no matter what I do, you still don't trust me enough to help you."
"You think I like to worry about everything?" He growled as anger washed over me, "I have to keep it in because I don't want everyone around me to have to deal with all my shit. I'm already a pain in the ass– I don't need to make myself even more of a burden."
"What the hell, Dean? Do you not listen to anyone? Everyone wants to help you. Me, Bobby, Sam, I mean– even Cas can see that you're beating yourself up with your worrying and holding all your pain and anger inside."
"Yeah, that's what everyone thinks, isn't it? Let's all go help poor, helpless Dean and make him feel better. But the truth is no one wants to see how twisted up I am inside. About how I tortured innocent souls in Hell– but I bet you know all about that already, don't you?" That made me snap, how could he honestly believe that people didn't care about him and want to help him? "Stop blaming everything on Hell!" As soon as I said the words, I immediately regretted them. The hurt and anger that flashed through his eyes were bad enough. "Dean," I reached out and smoothed my hand over his heart, cringing as his pain and anguish flooded through me. He didn't react, so I kept talking. "Dean, I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to... It-It just sort of... I was mad and–" My useless stammering was cut off as he tilted my chin up and kissed me. It was rough and desperate for comfort, something I realized he didn't have nearly enough of. I took one of his hands, gently kissing his wrist and palm as I looked at him. Rays of sunlight streamed through the window, making his skin glow a rich golden color. The light seemed to reflect against his hair and threw off little golden strands woven throughout his brownish-blond hair. Being so close to him , I saw the faint freckles across his face and shoulders that I never noticed before. I finally looked up into his eyes and smiled as the sunlight brought out the small flecks of gold hidden beneath the green. The pain was still there, but it was almost as if it was pushed back and replaced with something else. I swallowed loudly, "Dean, I–"
"It's okay, Angel. It's fine." I could still see how hurt he was, but I ignored it. He took a deep breathe and looked me in the eye, "Sammy called, they-they all just appeared overnight. Tons of them."
"What did, Dean? Please, please tell me." He paused for a minute, his eyes hesitant. He finally spoke and I felt the color drain from my face, "Demons."