I may as well be dead for how often I write anymore. Which is never. Whoops. But I opened this up and figured it was long enough to give you guys something. Anyways, I'm really sorry guys. I honestly don't know where the time has gone but I haven't written in what's felt like years. I know I already go around a month between updates as it is, and I am not stopping the story, but I think I'm gonna have to go on a little break, especially since I don't even have anything on the next chapter yet. I'm really sorry guys, but I hope you understand. Other than that, try to enjoy!

Note: Well on the bright side I'm going to a supernatural convention and meeting everyone in twenty days.

It was finally dark when I opened my eyes a third or fourth time and realized instantly that something was off. I turned and saw Dean lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling in nothing but a pair of jeans.

His gaze shifted down to me as I looked at him and his eyes softened, "Hey."

I rolled over all the way so I was facing him as I watched him. His eyes met mine and I looked down at the bed. I could feel his gaze on me and, before I knew it, tears were welling up in my eyes and rolling down my face.

"Angel," his thumb brushed my cheek softly, "I know you're scared and confused and angry right now, okay? But you need to let me help you. You need to let me in so we can figure this out together."

I scooted closer to him, pressing against his bruised side as gently as I could, as I buried my face against his neck and sobbed quietly. He rubbed my back soothingly, "Shhh, there you go. It's okay, I'm right here, baby. It's all gonna be okay."

"I-I'm sorry, Dean-n. I d-d-didn't mean it. P-Please don't-t leave."

"Don't worry, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere, honey."

"I l-l-love–" I cut off as I choked on my sobs.

"Shhh, I know," he hummed softly, "I love you too, Angel."

He traced his fingers down my spine and around my back as he whispered quietly, "I know you're scared and confused, Angel. Believe me, I know. But you just have to trust me on this. Everyone is going to be fine and we're all gonna be careful and we're all gonna be safe."

I carded my fingers through his hair as I whimpered, which seemed to calm me more than it did him. He leaned his cheek against the top of my head as he hugged me gently, "And listen to me– we're always in danger, Angel. You being here has no effect on us. This– what happened to me was my fault. I-I was being stupid and cocky and it got the better of me."

"I-I shouldn't be here."

"What?"

"I m-make you weak-k. I shouldn't b-be here."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because it's t-true. If I stay, s-someone's gonna get k-k-killed."

"Baby, I already told you we're going to be fine."

"N-No you're not-t. You're going to get k-killed trying to protect m-me."

"Ashley, honey, look at me," he held my cheek softly as he met my watery eyes, "You do not make me weak, baby... You give me something to fight for. And I know what happened today was because I was being stupid, but that was one time. It's never going to happen again, Angel."

"I-I just d-don't want to l-l-loose you."

He slid his hand up my back and rubbed my shoulder gently, "I know. I know you don't, Angel. But the kind of people we are– the kind of life we live– it's just a risk we have to take. Sammy and I, we could be gone in a second. But we're smart and we're experienced and we'll be staying around for a while, as long as we can help it."

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply against his neck, smelling worn leather and blood. His fingers danced across my shoulders and back and down my spine as he talked quietly. I could feel the slight rumble in his chest as he spoke, the words flowing together in a sort of hum. One of my hands rested in the middle of his chest and I felt the steady rise and fall when the rumbling stopped and he nuzzled against the top of my head.

"Dean?" I whispered softly after laying there for a while.

"Hmm?"

"What did you... What did you want it to be? Earlier, I mean– before I took the tests?"

"Angel–"

"I just want to know, Dean... Please."

"Honestly," he met my gaze with a soft expression, "I don't know, Angel. I mean, you know I love you so, so much and I want a family– I really do– but at the same time, I didn't think it would be this soon... I really didn't think it would be ever. I-I'm a hunter– a Winchester. And I want that apple-pie life, Angel. Believe me, I want it so bad. But, honestly, I never thought I would get it."

I rested my head wearily on the front of his shoulder as I traced over the black ink on his chest with my finger. He sighed softly and covered my hand with his, "That came out wrong."

"Nobodysaidwehadtokeepitanyways," I mumbled quietly against his chest.

"What?"

I looked down at my hand in his as he shifted so he was sitting up slightly. I could feel his gaze on me and I just closed my eyes.

"What?" he asked again in disbelief.

"Forget it, Dean. It's nothing."

"Ashley," his voice was sharp as he sat up with a grunt, "Come here."

I sat up and carefully sat down as he swung my leg over his hip and into his lap. He held the side of my face in his hand and I closed my eyes as I leaned into his touch. When I opened them again, he was watching me with a pained expression.

"Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Is that really what you want?"

"You said it yourself, Dean. We don't get an apple-pie life."

He sighed and closed his eyes, "I want you to listen to me. Ultimately, this is up to you, Angel. It's your choice. But I still get my say in it. And I want you to know that doing this– going through with it and having a baby– I'm not mad about it. Angel, I couldn't be more happy. Yeah, I'm scared... but who wouldn't be? But at the same time, I want you to be happy, Ashley. And if that means that we don't have a family right now, or ever, that's okay too. I still have Sammy and Bobby. I still have you, and that's more than I could ever ask for."

I smiled softly as he looked at me with those green eyes, "Thank you."

"But you have to realize, Angel, it's a Winchester– I mean if you don't want to... we can't just give him or her to someone. Not with me," he looked at me sadly, "There's-there's always gonna be.. things. Monsters, demons, you name it. They won't be safe."

"So, if I don't want to..."

"I'm so sorry, Angel."

I nodded slightly as I closed my eyes and I felt him lean forward and kiss my forehead, "It's up to you, baby. But I couldn't do that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened."

"I know."

He dropped his forehead down against mine as he whispered, "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

"You okay?"

I nodded as I leaned forward and tucked my head under his chin, "Just tired."

"Then let's go to bed."

O.o

I woke up with a gasp, sweating and shaking as I breathed heavily. I looked down at my hands holding my stomach and I let out a shallow breath of relief. I was fine. Nothing happened– it was just a dream.

I put my palms on my forehead as I sat up and leaned over as I tried to slow my ragged breathing. Dean's figure moved slightly and I could feel tears sting my eyes as I watched him sleep. I choked back a sob as I buried my face in my hands again.

"Angel?" Dean mumbled groggily as he sat up.

I could feel myself start to tremble as his hand brushed around my waist and he pulled me back towards him.

"Hey," he whispered as he stroked his thumb over my hip, "Hey, what's wrong, baby?"

"Just a nightmare. I-I'm fine."

"You sure? You look pretty shaken up."

I nodded as I moved to climb out of the bed. His hand caught my wrist and he held me in place, "Hey, what's wrong? Where are you going?"

"I said I'm fine, Dean. I'm all sweaty and gross and I just wanna shower."

"Baby, it's like, what– four in the morning? Normally I wouldn't care, but you're gonna wake everyone up."

I groaned as I flopped back down on the bed with a thump, landing on my stomach. He made a noise that sounded vaguely like a chuckle as I felt his hand rub over my back.

I opened my eyes as he laid down on his back again with his head turned so he was looking at me, "You okay? How's your chest?"

He smiled softly, "Yeah, I'm better, Angel."

"Nothing's hurting?"

He shook his head as I sat up next to him, "Nah, I'm good."

"You're a horrible liar," I mumbled as I pressed the back of my hand to his hot cheek. He just closed his eyes and sighed as I trailed my hands down his chest, noticing the bruises were slightly lighter and the bandages had hardly any blood on them.

"Sore?"

"Hhhh."

I rolled my eyes, "Where'd you put the first aid kit? Does it have ibuprofin in it?"

"Angel," he groaned as he looked at me, "Baby, I'm fine, really. I've been through worse– this is nothing."

"You're such an asshole."

"M'your asshole," he mumbled with a small smile.

I couldn't help smiling back as I took his hand and pressed my lips against his bruised knuckles. He watched me as I took his other hand and did the same, kissing the dark blotches against his skin. I slowly moved up his arm, brushing my lips over the cuts and angry red marks that littered his arm.

"Kissing the pain away?"

"Something like that," I smiled softly,"Where does it hurt?"

He motioned towards the blue and yellow spots down his side. I moved up over him– leaning down to press my lips lightly against his skin for a second, then working my way down over all the bruising.

I shifted over to kiss the edge of his bandages gently as he sighed softly and slumped down against the bed. He watched me with half-lidded eyes and a blissful grin spread across his face, but there was nothing sexual about it. As my lips brushed over his skin, I could feel the warmth and love radiate from his entire body.

I hoovered over him as I leaned down and pressed my lips to the bruise under his cheek and then up against his forehead. I sat up straight, looking down at him as he raised one eyebrow.

"I think you're missing something."

"Yeah? What'd I miss?"

He tried to hide a smile as he pointed to his split lip, "Right here."

"You sure? It doesn't look that bad."

"No, it definitely hurts worst of all."

"Uh-huh?" I smiled as I lowered my face inches from his, "Then I should probably leave it alone."

He rolled his eyes and I leaned down to kiss him. His hands went up to hold my face and he moved his lips with mine as he brushed his thumb across my cheek.

"I love you," he murmured softly as he pulled back and looked at me.

"I know," I grinned as I nuzzled against him, "You tell me at least fifty times a day."

"I just wanna make sure you don't forget."

I pressed my forehead against his as I traced my thumb over his bottom lip, "I won't forget, Dean. Not in a million years. I would never forget this– I would never forget you."

He let out a bitter laugh, "Because I'm worth remembering."

"Yeah, you are. No matter what happens, I'll always remember you. I'll remember the man who threw me against a wall the first time he met me. I'll remember the man who finally opened up to me, when he didn't to anyone else. I'll remember how he got everything off his chest on the long nights we had together. And I'll remember how much happier he was the next day because of it. I'll remember the man who didn't think he was worth it– that he shouldn't have been saved. And I'll remember that he was strong and brave and kind. He was loyal and handsome and an absolute genius. I'll remember that he didn't think that of himself, but he was all that and so much more. I'll remember Dean Winchester. And I'll remember how much he means to me."

He shut his eyes and shook his head as he whispered, "That's not true."

"Yeah it is, you idiot," I murmured as I reached up and stroked his cheek, "You mean the world to me, Dean. And you're brave and smart and kind and loyal and so much more than that... And I know you knew that– you knew you didn't deserve to go to Hell."

"Angel–"

"'I didn't deserve what he put on me, and I don't deserve to go to Hell.'"

He wiggled out from under me and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. He dropped his head in his hands as he moaned, "You don't understand."

"Then tell me, babe," I whispered softly as I ran my hand over his back. He made a choked, broken noise and I could feel my heart sink down into my stomach. I moved up behind him, gently wrapping my arms around his abdomen and my legs around his waist. I pressed my cheek against his back as I hugged him.

"M-Maybe I thought that I didn't deserve it before. But after I got out– a-after what I did, I don't deserve anything-g."

"Dean, you do deserve everything. You've deserved so much more since you were four years old. And I'm sorry you grew up thinking you didn't. I'm so sorry, baby."

"D-Don't say that. Don't you d-dare."

"You don't want me to feel sorry. I know, Dean. Believe me, I know. But for once, I don't care. I don't care that you don't want me to feel sorry for you, because I do. You don't want me to love you, but I do. You can't push me away, Dean, because I just don't care."

He shook his head and I moved to get up and stand in front of him. I gently pushed his shoulder back so there was enough room for me to straddle his lap. He immediately wrapped his arms around me, gripping fistfuls of my shirt as he moaned from the pain.

"What's your job, Dean?"

"T-T-To keep you safe."

"No," I mumbled softly as I leaned back to hold his face in my hands, "Before you met me. What was your job?"

"L-Look out for S-Sammy," he replied instantly.

"Why?"

"Because i-it's my job-b."

"But why is it your job, Dean?"

"... B-Because those w-were my orders-s," he sobbed as he slid his hands under my shirt and over my back.

"What did I tell you, Dean?!"

"Dad–"

There was a slam as Dean's head hit the wall hard enough to see stars. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming. He had learned the hard way screaming only made things worse.

"What did I fucking tell you, Dean? What was the one order I gave you?!"

"Watch out for Sammy, Sir."

"And did you do that?"

There was dead silence as Dean remained quiet, then a loud slap as John's hand connected with his face, "I asked you a question, Soldier!"

"No, Sir!"

John shoved Dean back against the wall and pinned him down with his arm, "Don't you fucking yell at me, boy. How many times do I have to tell you for it to stick?"

He glanced over at an unconscious Sam on the bed, "This is all your fault, Dean. You failed. Again. How many more times is it going to take?"

He fought back tears as he bit his cheek so hard, he could taste blood, "This is the last time, Sir."