Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the TV show Dark Angel. I do however own Retha from one of my other fics ITHOB. I am ignoring the runes in this story.
Author's Note: Unless otherwise noted, during all of Max's memory cut scenes, her current thoughts/feelings/actions will appear in bold font. The actual memories will be italics. Wherever possible, I've tried to group dialogue and such from the memory together in easily readable segments. However, most of her thoughts and monologues should be read as happening at the same time overtop of the memory segments (which would be happening in the background). Clear as mud? I hope not.
Chapter 5
Day 1 – 2025Jan06 – Monday - Approximately 6:00 pm...
"Okay, that's about enough," Max finally mumbled to herself. "You can't just sit here forever." Heaving a sigh of disgust as she realized she had just spent the better part of two hours sitting there crying and feeling sorry for herself as she worked through everything, she raised her head and wiped away the tears still lingering on her cheeks, determined to get up off her ass and actually do something productive.
"Hell, you don't even know for sure yet that you were taken. There's no proof. So get your head in the game and get on with it. That's the only way you're ever gonna find any answers." Pushing herself back up to her feet, she bit down hard on her bottom lip, the slight pain helping clear her head. While she had no real way of knowing exactly what time it was, she could make an educated guess based on her body's internal clock. And judging by the hunger gnawing at her belly and the amount of time she could semi-account for, it had to be drawing close to evening. "Definitely not a dream then, no matter how much I might wish it was..." she muttered.
"Alright, so which way should I go?" She looked around and sighed again, all the arches looking exactly the same, with no hint whatsoever as to what memory they might lead to. "It seems to be completely random. After all, I went from that beach back when I was 9, to Alec's apartment over 12 years later, all in the space of maybe 25 feet. So obviously they aren't sorted chronologically." She frowned, puzzled. "But if they're not, then how the hell am I supposed to decide which ones to explore? There are so many…" Her voice trailed off in dismay, the span of her life to date branching out around her in an endless array of possibilities.
"So just pick one already," she groaned to herself impatiently, "and see where you end up. What other choice do you really have?" Walking stoically forward, she chose one at random, taking a deep bracing breath before crossing the threshold and entering the mist; emerging into her TC office seconds later…
2022Aug08 – Monday - Early Evening
Alec sighed heavily as Max stalked past him once more. "Will you please sit down and try to relax? Pacing like this isn't doing anybody any good, and I already told you I'll sneak out to Logan's myself tonight once it gets dark enough. Try and figure out where he's taken off to."
Eyeing her as she nodded distractedly as if in agreement but persisted in pacing, he continued, "You know he's bound to have gone into hiding after being exposed as Eyes Only. Especially with all the pro-transgenic broadcasts he's insisted on doing despite the heavy protests. Odds are he just hasn't had a chance to call you yet to let you know what's what."
Max moaned in anguish as she recognized the memory straight away, for it was one that still haunted her nightmares from time to time. "Please no. I don't wanna have to see this. Not again." Closing her eyes, she tried to will herself away, back to the white hallway or any other memory, hoping she could maybe jump to something else like she had with her heat. But when she reopened her eyes, nothing had changed.
"Yeah, I know," Max paused for a moment as she thought about it, then resumed her restless circuit of the cramped room with a slight groan. "And you're probably right. It's just... he's never disappeared like this without telling me before Alec. Not for 3 days. And I've even been in touch with Asha and she hasn't heard from him either." She frowned, worrying at her bottom lip with her teeth. "I don't like it. I can't help but feel like something bad must've happened to him."
"And I get that, I do, but still… You have got to calm down before someone else sees you like this. It'll completely ruin the new image we've been trying to cultivate for you." Pushing himself up off her lumpy old couch, he stood up in front of her and took hold of her upper arms, pulling her in closer and bracing her supportingly. "Look, I've got Luke searching all available channels for us on the QT, and Logan hasn't been picked up by the military, the sector police, or the Familiars yet from what he's been able to tell. So don't borrow trouble. He'll turn up eventually. It just may not be as soon as you'd like."
Hearing a crisp knock, Max sighed and took a small step back from him, mentally preparing herself for potentially hostile company as she turned her head toward the door. Her "come in" sounding at least relatively normal, for which Alec was extremely grateful.
Bran, a tall and supremely self-assured X5 male, opened the door and strode inside with a thinly-veiled aura of authority, followed closely by Trev, his black-haired blue-eyed and extremely power-hungry second in command. The latter eyeballing their closeness with a cockily raised brow before asking with a hint of disdain, "Sorry, are we interrupting something?"
"Yes actually." Alec contemplated his former superiors for a moment, then smiled with a hint of snark, "But I suppose we can spare a minute or two for you guys." Stepping casually away from Max, he deliberately leaned against her desk between her and the men and adopted his own commanding air; a mostly subconscious attempt to hold the ringleaders of their strongest opposing faction at bay.
Max glanced back and forth between them and mentally rolled her eyes at the displays of testosterone, before choosing to address Alec's old CO, the least arrogant of the pair. "What is it Bran?"
After a very slight pause, Bran nodded curtly at her and stated, "There's a disturbance going on outside the main gate that I thought you might like to be made aware of. An unusually large mob of protesters has formed and it appears as if they're getting ready to lynch somebody. I've already got some of my guys up on the rooftops keeping an eye on the situation, since the military can't seem to be bothered to do anything about it."
"Shit. Tell me it's not one of our own?" Max immediately turned to face him full on, her expression filled with dread.
"No. It's definitely not a transgenic." He eyed her appraisingly for a moment, then continued reservedly, "but it does appear to be someone known to us. The words 'Tranny Lover' are carved into his chest."
Max closed her eyes momentarily, the bottom dropping out of her stomach as a wave of nausea swept over her. Something inside her already knowing who it was going to be, and from Alec's sudden stillness beside her, she figured he did too, but she forced herself to nod and ask politely, "Who is it?"
"It's your condescending little cripple of an ordinary," Trev sneered as he butted in, pure delight shining from his eyes, "bout fucking time too if you as-"
Alec pushed forward off the desk, about to lay into him, when Bran beat him to it.
"There's no call for that Trev. Not with the situation being what it is." He gave his subordinate a hard pointed glare. "I may not approve of the man either, but he's going to die unless there's a miracle of some kind, and his last few days certainly haven't been pleasant either from the looks of him."
Max's face drained of color, her tone quiet and deadly serious as she asked, "What do you mean?"
Bran sighed as he ran a hand back through his dirty-blond hair, visibly struggling as he seemed to be trying to decide how much detail to give her. "Look, I'm sorry, but he's been beat up all to hell alright." Grimacing, he murmured, "They've stripped him naked, and from the look of some of the wounds…" He trailed off and shook his head disgustedly, looking ill, and finally just stated, "Well, let's just say he looks to be in really rough shape both mentally and physically, and he's not likely to last the night from the mood of that crowd."
Max turned to Alec, her grip on her composure tenuous now at best, and tried to keep her voice even as she murmured huskily, "We'd better get over there. Check it out." He nodded grimly, already on the same page.
Bran shook his head though. "No, look, why don't you let me handle this for you. I really don't think you're gonna wanna see him like this. And there's not really all that much we can do in any event. Not with the size of that lynch mob. I just thought you should know what's going on, that's all."
Max shook her head determinedly, "No, it's best if we go down there and see for ourselves."
"Thanks for the offer though." Alec stared curiously at his old CO for a moment, a bit surprised by his attempt at consideration, but appreciative all the same. Then he focused his attention back on Max and took up a protective stance beside her as she moved toward the door.
Max didn't move a muscle to follow, not wanting any part of experiencing this again, but not appearing to have much say in the matter either. The scenery blending and shifting around her automatically until she found herself on top of the highest building beside the main gates. Looking down reluctantly, she was struck anew by the sheer size of the crowd gathered below around the huge bonfire of burning Xs.
She walked toward the highest vantage point by the main gates as if on autopilot, not particularly noticing anything around her as she tried to pull herself together for the horror she knew she was probably about to face. Knowing that if she fell apart now, over an ordinary and in front of Bran and his crew no less, it would have dire consequences for her and Alec's leadership. Searching desperately within herself for the soldier she used to be, she felt a sudden surge of strength and calm flow through her. Everything around her fading slightly into the background, as if she were walking through a haze, aware and yet comfortably numb at the same time.
Suddenly finding herself up on top of the building as if by magic, Max blinked and slowly moved over toward the edge, barely feeling it as Alec took her right hand discretely and squeezed it, his body bracing supportively against hers from shoulder to hip as they both looked down.
A soft gasp escaped her involuntarily when she finally spotted Logan in the midst of the chaos below. His body mangled, and being held up solely by the strength of the brutes surrounding him. Crude insults and obscene taunts, both against Eyes Only and them, being slung through the air in raucous chants and shouts. And she could do little more than stare as she took it all in, thoroughly appalled by the depravity on display.
Logan was covered in blood from all the nasty slurs cut into his flesh, and bruises painted his skin a sickening hue. It looked as if someone had taken a baseball bat to him as his chest was partially caved in and his right arm appeared broken in at least two places. His eyes wide and panicky, filled with pain as he gazed around at the vengeful mob, searching desperately for any sign of help or sympathy and finding none.
She could see that the thick rope wrapped around his neck had already scraped his skin raw as it was tugged roughly down to one side drawing a fresh trail of blood. And his legs. Oh God! What they'd done to his legs! They were shattered, broken in so many places she couldn't even begin to count them. And she railed internally at the unfairness of it all. Why? Why do this to him when he could barely even use them properly anymore! When his only crime was trying to help others!
Max fought to breathe, dread rising up to choke her, temporarily ripping away her ability to function rationally. She knew that this was only a memory, that her actions would have no effect on the already predetermined results, but a scream was torn from her throat nonetheless, loud and long and aching. A vain attempt to warn herself, to try to stop the tragedy that was coming. But it did no good. No one paid her any heed despite her continued cries and pleas.
Squeezing Alec's hand tightly and sucking in a shaky breath, she drew upon the reserve of cool strength steadily building within her, barely managing to restrain the scream of pure rage and anguish threatening to rip free from her throat. For it was obvious, just looking at the sheer numbers in the crowd and the ever watchful and malevolent stares of the army guarding the perimeter fence, that there was no way in hell she could hope to save him. Not without extreme bloodshed, and that's if they could make their way through to him in time. Let alone if she could even convince any of the others to try to help her and Alec.
She was about to turn and try anyway, even though she knew it'd be no use, when the matter was taken out of her hands. What happens next, so sudden and so horrific, that it's hard to even grasp as the images flash through her brain, like snapshots frozen in time.
The crowd jeering and gesturing angrily…
Someone tossing the end of the rope overtop of a light stanchion…
Logan's body being hauled up and over into the flames of the bonfire...
His bloodcurdling scream of terror and agony tearing through her, leaving her raw and bleeding inside…
Her hand moving swiftly, almost of its own accord, as if some other force were suddenly controlling it…
Releasing Alec's hand and reaching behind him…
Pulling his ever present Glock from the small of his back…
His own hand reaching for it just a millisecond too late...
Her hand aiming and firing through the smoke and the flames…
The single shot hitting Logan squarely between the eyes...
His screams dying instantly as his body slumped in death...
The retort of the gun echoing loudly over and over again in her ears...
The crowd's roars of approval turning to rabid shouts of rage as they slowly realize what's happened...
When time finally resumes its normal flow, she can feel the gun warm and heavy in her outstretched hand, and she stares blankly at it when she's finally able to tear her eyes away from Logan's corpse hanging below. The stench of his burning flesh rising up and tainting the air. Stunned and sickened as she realizes what she's somehow done, she feels Alec reach out and gently take the gun from her hand, putting the safety back on and storing it back in the waistband of his pants. His huskily whispered words of condolence and support lost in the clamor inside her head.
Relying solely now on that blessed core of steely strength, she turns around and faces the silent and shocked transgenics watching her. Meeting Bran's gaze with a spectacularly blank Manticore stare, she orders crisply, "Stay here and monitor the crowd until they disperse. I'll either be in my office or my apartment if anyone needs me."
For a moment, there's a flare of something in his blue eyes, and she can't quite place it, can't deal with it right now in any event whatever it is, so she ignores it and heads for the stairs, desperate to find a quiet secluded space somewhere to crawl off into and lick her wounds. To try to figure out what the hell just happened and how.
And as she walks away in a daze, with Alec following closely behind her, she hears Trev mutter in what sounds like disgust and disappointment, "Shit, I really didn't think she had that in her."
Bran answering back with a decidedly strange undertone, "No. Neither did I."
Max wiped the remaining tears from her face, struggling to breathe as she forced herself back under control. Staring curiously at Trev and Bran even as they disappeared into the rising mist, she realized that she'd forgotten all about the weird look and comments they'd given as she'd left. Which really wasn't all that surprising she guessed, given how upset she'd been. Especially since her nightmares had always left her screaming awake the instant Logan died, never taking her far enough to remind her.
Bran's look had contained so much though in only a fraction of an instant, that it was hard to categorize it all, even now. The hint of anger at being commanded by her was understandable given their state of contention and competition. And his disdain obvious and even expected since he had still considered her a traitor back then. But there'd been something else in his gaze too, something almost... malicious, hinting at a greater fury and frustration that she couldn't quite explain or put her finger on.
As for their comments, well, she supposed they were understandable too. They'd both been so eager after all to see her fail, that they'd probably been hoping to see her completely fall apart that day. To prove once and for all that she didn't deserve the position and assume command of TC themselves. And she really couldn't blame them for being surprised by her reaction, as she still didn't understand how she'd done that and stayed so calm about it afterward. Even though it had ended up earning her a great deal of respect on all fronts.
Looking back, as she slowly walked through the mist and back into the hallway, she realized she probably could've handled that moment a bit better, but she'd barely been holding herself together as it was. She'd needed to get out of the public eye before she broke down completely. Which she'd proceeded to do spectacularly once Alec had finally gotten her alone in her apartment that night.
And he'd tried, oh how he'd tried to comfort her as she'd railed and bawled in his arms. Apologized profusely for not beating her to it. And told her over and over again that she'd done a good thing. That she'd been merciful and saved Logan from any further pain and suffering. That she wasn't a murderer.
But it had been so hard to take. Especially since to this day, she still couldn't remember actually pulling that trigger herself. It seemed as if it were something that had happened to somebody else. Or like something out of a dream. Like someone else had taken control of her body for a moment and done it for her. And she hadn't been sure if that made her feel worse or better. The guilty feeling that it hadn't actually been her decision, that she hadn't consciously made that choice to spare him, making it that much harder to accept.
She'd donned a protective mask after that night, for quite a long time too, pulling back inside herself and devoting herself strictly to her work and TC. Unwilling to expose herself to that kind of potential pain again. Not laughing, not smiling. Just existing. Until Alec finally managed to drag her back out of her shell.
Max continued walking down the hall, preoccupied with her own thoughts. That one day, while remaining etched horrifically in her memory, also becoming an integral turning point for her and the transgenic cause.
Everyone had started treating her differently. At first, it'd been a grudging respect from her fellow transgenics, which had gradually grown and expanded to others as time had gone by. Especially when one of the media outlets had dared to broadcast the unedited footage they'd shot from that day, showing the positively rabid human crowd deliberately and heartlessly attempting to kill Eyes Only by burning him alive.
It'd been a real eye opener however, when other angles had revealed her up on the rooftop with her people, in obvious distress before she'd pulled the trigger to end his suffering. The disclosure by an 'anonymous' source at New World Weekly, of her prior relationship with Logan, only highlighting and amplifying the emotional drama of the story. The mercy killing, along with other gradually leaked details about their lives at Manticore, sparking intense national debates over multiple forums that had dragged on for over a year before eventually turning and surging in their favor. Only a diehard hate-filled minority left trying to dispute the fact that perhaps they'd misjudged the transgenics. That perhaps some of them might have souls after all.
And while she'd been grateful, relieved even to finally be given a fair shot by everyone at improving their lot in life, it had come at such a bitter price and been so hard-won that she'd felt defeated in any event. And it'd shown, almost instantly after Logan's death, at least to those that knew her best.
OC had reluctantly understood, when she'd called her the day after and explained that she needed to distance herself for a while. If only for Original Cindy's own safety. The thought of her potentially being picked up as 'transgenic friendly' and dealt with in a similar fashion, scaring Max to death and waking her up in cold sweats for months to come.
While Alec on the other hand... Max shook her head wryly and couldn't help but smile at the thought of him. He could certainly be an obstinate bastard when he set his mind to it. And boy had he ever.
He'd let her be at first, after making sure that she knew he was there for her if she needed to talk or anything, recognizing how difficult a time she would have in dealing with Logan's death. But after three months, where she'd remained withdrawn and pretty much monosyllabic, refusing to participate in anything other than work, work, and more work; he'd begun a targeted campaign to break down her walls. Taunting and baiting and arguing with her, mainly in private; but absolutely refusing to back down in the face of her continued and willful indifference.
And it had only gotten worse when she'd gone into heat a few weeks later. She'd screwed up royally. Even she could admit that now, but at the time it hadn't felt like she'd had much other choice. The urge to go to him that evening, even though he'd been pestering her relentlessly for days on end, had been so strong it'd been damn near undeniable. And it'd scared her to death. She hadn't wanted to need him that badly. Could not accept it. Especially when she'd still felt so guilty over Logan's death. And add in the fact that she knew he'd make her feel so good that she'd basically forget her own name as well as everything else on the face of the planet? Well, she hadn't felt like she deserved that kind of reprieve. Had felt like she deserved to be punished, not rewarded.
So, stubborn to the end, she'd decided to just go out and grab one of her fellow Xs to sate herself with instead. But she hadn't counted on being grabbed herself and dragged into a back alley by an extremely ardent and overzealous Trev. His blue eyes blazing wildly as he'd caught her scent. And she'd been so messed up, had wanted Alec so desperately by that point, that she hadn't really cared anymore who was taking her edge off if it couldn't be him. Just wanting to get it over with as quickly as possible, so she could shut down again and go back to being semi-numb.
Luckily for her though, Alec had been out looking for her and had tracked her down. Her heat pheromones pulling him in as strongly as they were pulling her to him. She'd never seen Alec that pissed before. He'd come blurring toward them positively snarling. Snarling! And had yanked a half-naked Trev from between her freshly bared thighs, throwing him across the alley and into a neighboring building, against which he'd swiftly proceeded to beat the ever-living shit out of him; growling "Mine" as he'd punched him repeatedly in the head and chest, not even noticing the blows he'd taken in return he'd been so livid. He'd only stopped when she'd latched on to him and torn him away, giving in to her instincts and affirming, "Yours."
Neither of them had completely understood it yet back then, but with each successive heat they'd shared, they'd strengthened the bond they'd inadvertently created during that first heat together. While not formally mating per se, the intermingling of their pheromones and his rough bites to her neck each time - even though they hadn't broken skin - had still been evocative enough to create a draw between them. And he'd become increasingly protective and possessive of her as a result while his claim remained unsubstantiated.
When she'd finally been able to call him on his behavior - much much later, after he'd taken her back to his place and fucked her absolutely senseless all night long, making her beg him over and over again for release until they'd both collapsed, utterly sated and exhausted - he'd looked stunned and confused for a moment, before snarking lightly at her that it was probably a byproduct of their animal heritage. A throwback to their instinctive desire to protect and care for a mate. Even though they hadn't been that. Not then anyway.
She'd freaked out at the mere suggestion. Had stomped off in a huff and avoided him like the plague, refusing to speak to him about anything other than business for over a month and a half. But he still hadn't let up though. No. He'd kept at her and kept at her for an additional three months until she'd finally snapped and completely lost her shit on him. The final straw coming when he'd dragged her over to their makeshift gym for a late-night sparring session, taking all sorts of cheap potshots at her and insisting she was so out of shape that even an ordinary could wipe the floor with her.
2023Apr19 - Wednesday - Approximately 00:30 am...
Glaring at him, she screamed, "Just fuck the hell off and leave me alone already!"
Pleased as punch to finally get such a strong reaction out of her, Alec threw his head back and laughed - honest to God laughed! - before snorting in her face and daring, "Why don't you try to make me, sweetheart."
She was sure fire must've been shooting out of her eyes she was so mad, her face flushing with outrage at his mocking endearment so reminiscent of her heats, and then she tore into him, determined to give him what he'd been asking for for months now. Finally having had more than enough. The fight long and hard, as she threw everything she had at him and more. But he just blocked her, over and over again, restraining himself to strictly defensive moves. Which only made her madder.
"Argh!" She huffed in extreme agitation, blowing her breath out and tossing her hair back out of her sweaty face. "You were the one that wanted to do this so badly. So fight me goddamnit!"
Alec shook his head lightly and smirked as he ducked to avoid her next punch, barely even appearing winded. "Nah. You obviously need to get this out of your system, but I really don't want to hurt you."
Totally exasperated, she complained, "Then what the fuck are you doing? Why can't you just leave me be?"
"Because you need to wake up."
"I am awake!" She insisted heatedly, kicking out at his legs.
He arched his eyebrows at her in sheer disbelief as he sidestepped her. "Oh really! Well, then how the hell do you explain your last heat. Hmmm?" He held his index finger and thumb up a hair-breadth apart as he leaned back into her. "You came this damn close to being fucked into the side of that building by Trev! If I hadn't have found you when I did, you would've been screwed. Literally as well as figuratively! As is, you damn near caused a huge blowout with Bran's group, cause Trev sure as hell didn't take kindly to me beating the crap out of him to stop him."
"I was in heat, you moron." She rolled her eyes with a huff, as if that explained everything.
"That doesn't excuse your behavior Max and you know it. Sure heat lowers your defenses, but it doesn't completely destroy them. There's no way in hell you should've allowed that to happen, and certainly not with Trev of all people. Not when you knew you already had a safe outlet."
"I didn't!" She shouted.
"What?" Alec stared at her incredulous. "You sure as hell did! ME!" He shouted right back at her.
"NO! You weren't safe." she blurted out, before she could help herself.
He frowned, his whole face twisting in confusion. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I..." Not wanting to explain how vulnerable she'd felt at the thought of approaching him, how afraid she'd been of letting him in and taking the risk of losing him too, she swung at him instead while he was distracted, damn near taking his head off as it slammed to one side, blood spraying out around him.
Licking at his split lip and spitting the excess blood to the floor as he turned his head back to face her, Alec raised an eyebrow and smirked. "You're gonna need to try a hell of a lot harder than that it you want to stop me Max. So just explain it to me. Make me understand. Why wasn't I safe?"
Max groaned and glared at him, "You just weren't, okay!"
"Un un. Not good enough." He shook his head determinedly. "You knew I'd take really good care of you. That I was more than willing to help you."
"Yeah, and that was the problem."
"What?" His face screwed up even more.
"Look, it doesn't matter why, okay? Just forget about it and move on already. Leave me alone." Snapping her fist back, she took after him again, determined to make him back off for good, but no matter how many times she hit him or shoved him away, he just kept coming back for more.
They danced and spun around the sparring mats for at least 10 more minutes, and she could see the frustration finally starting to well up in him too at her continued avoidance. And it left her lips unbidden, "Why don't you just go ahead and hit me already! I deserve it!"
His eyebrows raised, almost to his hairline, and she could see the realization strike him as he finally started to put the pieces together. "No. No you don't Max."
She swung wildly at him and missed; she was so desperate to push him away. Couldn't take his caring and understanding right now. "Yes I do! Logan's dead because of me. It's all my fault."
His eyes sad, he reaffirmed, "No it isn't Max. Not by a long shot. You only put him out of his misery. It was that fucking ignorant mob that was responsible for his death."
"Yeah, you've told me that a million times, Alec. But it doesn't change the fact that he'd still be alive if he'd never met me. Never got involved or fell in love with me." A tear slipped down her cheek and she swiped it away angrily. "Everybody that I love or care about dies or gets hurt or leaves me somehow. No matter what I do to try to stop it."
"Hell, we've been here almost two years now, and not ONE of my siblings has shown up in all that time. They have to know I'm here, with my name and face having made the rounds on all the news wires, so why haven't they come? Huh! 'Cause I only see three options: either they've been captured, are dead, or they just don't give a shit enough about me to come looking anymore. Have realized I'm too dangerous and given me up as a lost cause."
Starting to really get wound up now, she snarled, "And no wonder really! I mean, why would they want to have anything more to do with me? Just look at what I did to Ben, my own brother. I killed him! Snapped his neck with my own two hands."
Alec shook his head, refusing to let her take the fall on that one. "You only did that to stop him from killing anybody else, and to save him from a fate far worse than death back at Manticore."
But she was determined, insisting, "Oh yeah? Well what about Tinga? She got killed simply because Renfro was looking to find my special fucking no-junk DNA. And she left behind a grieving husband and a little boy that never really got a chance to know his mother."
"Max!" His voice was sharp now as he tried to get through to her. "You are no more responsible for what Renfro or Manticore chose to do, than you are for what anybody else in the world chooses to do."
But it was like she didn't hear him, as she kept on going, "Zack sacrificed himself for me! Shot himself and gave me his heart just so that I could live. And what did I do with it? How did I repay him? I ended up electrocuting him and sending him off to live on some godforsaken ranch with no memory of himself. Turned my back on him simply to protect Logan."
"He loved you Max, as more than just a sister. And I know you didn't want to see that, but he did. He would've done anything to protect-"
She rode right over him, not wanting to hear any more of his excuses, "And what about Logan? I shot him Alec, and I don't even remember pulling that fucking trigger!"
Alec growled, "You were in shock Max! The man you loved was suffering horrifically and you reacted instinctively to the crisis and immediacy of the situation, just like we were all trained to. There's nothing wrong with that." Determined to make her see, he grabbed onto her upper arms and forced her to pay attention to him. Giving her a little shake with each sentence he spoke.
"Did you do it to hurt him? No."
"Did you want to see him dead? No!"
Letting go of one arm, he grasped her chin and made her look up at him. "No matter what you did or didn't do that night, the fact still remains that he was gonna be dead by the hands of that crowd one way or another. And that's on them." He stared into her eyes, willing her to believe him. "Even the media agrees that what you did was merciful Max. And what does that tell you? Huh? Do you honestly think they would've said that if it weren't true? If they didn't believe it?"
She shook her head slightly, her eyes wet with the tears she was trying desperately not to shed.
"You opened everyone's eyes that day. Made them all finally start taking us seriously. Made them realize that maybe we weren't animals; that we cared and had souls and deserved to live." He sighed and gentled his tone. "And even though it took his death to do it, I think Logan could've lived with that. I think it would've made him think it was worth it in the end."
"But..." Her voice broke and she had to try again. "But he didn't deserve it Alec. He didn't deserve to die like that."
"No, you're right. He didn't. He was an amazing guy. Decent and honest and giving. Dedicated to doing what he thought was right. And he loved you with all his heart." He sighed. "But do you honestly think he'd be happy seeing you like this? Do you think this would be what he'd want for you? To see you living some sort of half-life, never truly happy? To see you spend the rest of your life feeling guilty, wretched and alone?"
"No." Her face crumpled as she realized he was speaking the truth. Tears finally starting to slip down her cheeks.
"That's right." He reached up and gently brushed them away with his thumbs, still staring directly into her eyes. "Logan would've wanted you to be happy Max. For you to fall in love again and have a family. To laugh and smile and just be. And you're only tarnishing his memory and making light of his sacrifice by closing yourself off like this."
Max nodded and closed her eyes, finally daring to admit the truth., even if it was only in a whisper, "But I'm so scared Alec. Scared to let anyone back in again. I've lost damn near everybody I've ever cared about. The only ones I really have left are OC, Josh and you. What if I lost you guys too? I couldn't stand it. It'd kill me. That's why..." she broke off, her heart racing at the thought of actually telling him.
"That's why what?" He murmured tenderly.
"That's one of the main reasons why I didn't come to you this last heat. I was scared to let you get that close to me again. When I'm with you like that, it feels so damn good Alec. You make me forget about everything else. And I don't know what to do with that. I knew I didn't deserve to feel that way."
"You're wrong about that Maxie. You do deserve it. It's not a crime to let yourself be happy. To enjoy yourself every once in a while." He stepped in closer when she slowly started to collapse, pulling her into his warm embrace. Holding her tight when she buried her head in his shoulder and began to sob. Her tears falling freely, as she let all the emotions she'd kept buried for the past eight months slowly seep out. All her grief and fear and loneliness pouring out with her tears. "It's alright Max. Just let it all out. I've got you."
After a long while, once she'd finally cried herself out and calmed down, he pulled his head back to look down at her, wiping the last of the tears from her face. He was instantly captivated by her soft chocolate eyes, shimmering up at him with such thinly-veiled hope and faith. Unable to resist, he leaned in slowly, giving her plenty of time to pull away if she chose. Gently taking her mouth in a kiss and brushing his lips softly against hers, he let it build between them at its own pace.
She gasped into his mouth, blown away by how beautiful and right it felt to be kissing him. His lips feeling like they belonged on hers, his tongue slowly teasing along her lower lip until she granted him access. Their breath mingling, tongues slowly coming together, dancing and merging with one another in something so precious and intimate it was almost sublime.
But suddenly it seemed like too much. Like it was wrong with her grief for Logan still so fresh in her mind. She backed away from him like a skittish mare, her eyes huge as she shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry. I can't do this right now. I'm not ready. Not yet."
Seeing that she wasn't saying no to the possibility of him outright, Alec nodded and smiled, his eyes lingering tenderly on her face. "I can give you as much time as you need to deal with this. But fair warning Max? I'm not gonna let you retreat from me like that again. And I'm not going anywhere either, so you'd better get used to having me around."
Max smiled at the memory, feeling a bit of much-needed optimism creep back into her soul. Her heart picking up a bit and feeling infinitely lighter with his reaffirmed commitment resounding in her head. The hope that maybe he wouldn't leave her after all, making everything seem a bit easier to take.
Shrugging her shoulders as she came back to herself and looked around her at her surroundings once more, she picked another arch at random and headed through it.