LOST IN A MOMENT

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the TV show Dark Angel. I do however own Retha from one of my other fics ITHOB. I am ignoring the runes in this story.

Author's Note: I originally wanted to post this chapter all at once, but I'm fighting with getting all the details I need in the memory part (the second half). And the longer I leave this unposted, the more I keep lingering on the first half and fiddling with it instead. Note to self: STOP being a perfectionist! Anyway, sorry this is so short.

Mood Music: Ice by Sarah McLachlan

Chapter 7A

Day 2 - 2025Jan07 - Tuesday - Approximately 3:00 pm

Little by little, Max drifted back into consciousness, feeling as though she were swimming up from the depths of a dark and murky sea. Her eyes gritty and feeling like they were on fire; every muscle in her body aching with strain and exhaustion, almost as if she'd run a marathon in her sleep. A peculiar sense of numbness blanketing her, making her feel like she was wrapped in a thick layer of cotton, unable to focus or think. Or to even want to for that matter. And after lying there staring blankly at the white wall in front of her for over twenty minutes, it finally occurred to her why that was.

Slowly twisting her head to check how bad her back was, she blinked as she discovered a decided lack of blood and devastation. Confused, she trained her gaze over her arms next, examining and moving each one carefully, but again there was nothing there. No cuts on her hands or thumb, no torn flesh at her wrists, and certainly no broken bone. Sliding a shaky hand gingerly down between her legs, she checked herself there thoroughly as well, but could find no evidence of any damage whatsoever. And she was still wearing the same clothes she'd had on before, so nothing obvious seemed to have changed at all.

Maybe it wasn't real? She wondered fuzzily. Wanting, needing any excuse not to believe, she attempted to rationalize it. Maybe I fell asleep and just didn't realize it. Had a really bad nightmare simply from hearing the other women talk about it. I could've conjured up something horrifically evil like that in my head to match up with their descriptions. Couldn't I?

Yeah. That has to be it, she told herself as firmly as she could, trying to sweep her conflicting thoughts and emotions aside. Because that couldn't have happened. Not to me. Never to me. There's no way in hell. She shook her head determinedly. I mean, I'm strong, right? A fighter. I would've just kicked his ass. No one gets the drop on me like that. No one.

And I'm not even hurt at all. If that had really happened, wouldn't I be torn and bleeding?

So no. She shook her head again for good measure.

Just... NO.

…

And yet…

She was here in this endless hallway of memories…

And she could still feel the sting and burn of the lashes biting and carving through her flesh. If she thought about it at all. Which she wasn't.

And she shuddered and choked back a horrified sob when she realized she could still feel his hands on her, touching her far too intimately. Could picture him entering her quite clearly too; feel him tearing her apart from the inside out, and she promptly curled back up into a ball. Fresh tears starting to spill down her cheeks as the foul images and sensations returned with a vengeance, slamming into her with all the subtlety of a battering ram.

And all she could think was... WHY?

Why me?

Why this?

"There's gotta be a reason. Hasn't there?" she whispered hoarsely to herself, her voice cracking and catching in her throat, raw from all the screaming and crying she'd done earlier.

"But what could I have ever done to deserve this? And who could possibly hate me this much?" She shook her head uncomprehendingly, none of it making any sense in her stunned and frazzled state.

There were no answers forthcoming though, and no one standing by her either to offer her any sort of justification or solace. Just a cold and bitter silence surrounding her. And an immense aching void deep within; an overwhelming sense of loss and desolation, a bleak emptiness that seemed to have no beginning or end. The pervasive apathy she'd awoken with returning and encouraging her to just let it all go and switch off again. Unable to deal with any of it yet.

Time continued to march on, as she lay there unseeing, unmoving. Barely even breathing. How much time she didn't really know, but eventually she managed to muster up enough strength to at least sit up, leaning back against one of the walls and wrapping her arms tightly around her legs, suddenly feeling frozen. And yet she was sweating too, her limbs trembling and her heart racing despite her lack of activity, which seemed quite odd. Realizing after a moment, and with a rather disturbing degree of detachment, that she was likely in shock, she couldn't quite bring herself to care enough to try to do anything about it. Not that there was much she could do in any event.

Her thoughts began to drift aimlessly, flitting over all sorts of topics as she tried to divert herself from thinking about what she'd just endured and what it all meant. She wondered whether the supply run had gotten done yet, and how Dana was coping with the latest bout of teething Jacob had been going through. Whether the revised shift rotations had been posted, and if perhaps they needed to start looking at increasing the variety of food in the mess to help meet the nutritional needs of all the new babies and their moms, most of whom were breastfeeding.

She made a mental note as well to check in with Brandy to start the search for a larger two-bedroom apartment within easy walking distance of Command. For their current one-bedroom wasn't nearly big enough. And she wondered if they should try to bring in some more pool and foosball tables for the rec areas, as they were extremely popular and almost always being fought over. Surely Alec knew somebody in his extensive contact list that could help them procure a few more. And…

"Alec." She whispered longingly, as he filled her head to the exclusion of everything else."God, I'd give anything to have you here with me." She tightened her grip around herself, needing the security of his strong arms wrapped around her instead, protecting her and holding her close. "I wonder what you're doing right now."

While he was normally quite easy-going and hard to rile, she had the feeling that wouldn't be the case any longer. Closing her eyes, she tried to picture him; the images flooding her mind. His eyes wild; his legs pacing frantically as he ran his hands roughly through his hair and chewed at his thumbs in frustration. No doubt he'd be freaking out much like Kris had, cursing and throwing things and punching holes in walls, and tossing out orders left, right, and center. Using every available resource to try to find her. For all the good it'll do me, she thought sadly. Feeling tears rising to the surface again, she took several deep calming breaths to steady herself and firmly pushed that line of thought away, knowing it would lead nowhere good.

Their baby was next to cross her mind, and she shifted her legs down carefully so she could slide her hands protectively around her lower abdomen, beginning to caress it and softly hum a little lullaby, in an attempt to soothe herself more than anything else. For she had to believe it was going to be alright. The alternative simply unthinkable.

She tried to imagine whether it would be a boy or a girl, and which Alec might prefer, as they hadn't really had a chance to discuss that yet. But she figured he'd probably want a son first. In her mind's eye though, she pictured herself holding a beautiful little baby girl. Whether she would have her father's gorgeous green eyes and her dark hair, or some other combination of their features, she couldn't quite decide. It was fun to imagine all the different possibilities though, and that kept her quite happily distracted for another decent stretch of time.

Eventually though, as she slowly started to emerge from the refuge of the mental cocoon she'd constructed for herself, her mind drifted again to consider the existence of... Hmm. What should I call her anyway? My alter ego? A split personality? Or something else? She frowned slightly, more than a little perturbed by the idea.

While she'd known for years, pretty much her entire life really, that she had an 'inner soldier' – a direct throwback to her childhood as 452 – she'd never particularly thought of her as being a distinct and separate entity from herself. Although it really shouldn't have surprised her. She'd never liked that side of herself after all, had absolutely despised being a soldier and having to subjugate her will to someone else's control. And she'd done everything she could to distance herself as soon as she'd escaped out from under Manticore's reins; burying 452 down deep and not giving her much thought after that.

Except for when things got rough. It was habit she knew, but she always fell back on that persona during times of trouble; relying on the stronger and more detached 'soldier' in her to remain calm and effective whenever something dire threatened or needed to be done. And "Oh my God," she whispered, as it suddenly occurred to her. "It all makes sense now. That's probably what happened when I shot Logan. Why it all seemed so hazy, and why I don't remember consciously grabbing Alec's gun and pulling the trigger." She shook her head bemusedly, "Because I didn't. 452 must have taken over and done it for me."

And it was weird, because when she'd heard her talking – and she absolutely refused to think about why yet, just that she had – 452 had seemed to be fully aware of her and everything that was going on around them. Had apparently been living like a shadow in the back of her mind this whole time, only stepping up when needed, but completely cognizant of all the intimate details of her life, including Alec and the baby. Some of her words replaying in her mind and affirming that hypothesis.

"You're only gonna hurt us, or hurt the baby if you keep this up."

"This guy's way too good to screw up that easily."

"You gotta trust him. You know he loves you. There's no way he'd leave."

But she hadn't been aware of 452's continual presence. And it was distressing, and more than a bit disconcerting, to realize that there was someone else living inside her, someone who'd experienced every single event in her life, and maybe even things that she had little or no knowledge of. What she was going through at the moment, living proof of that.

"At least before this, I always seemed to be aware of what was going on when 452 was helping out, but now she appears to be in complete control and keeping all knowledge of what's happening from me. Not that I mind either, as I'm much better off this way." She shook her head and shuddered. "Hell, I'm having a hard enough time as is just dealing with the knowledge that I've been… that I'm being… … … that this is real," she finally finished with a whimper, unable to utter the word raped, not in context with herself. The wound too raw and unfathomable at the moment to even attempt to go anywhere near it. "I'd lose it completely if I had to experience it all too."

And then she snorted, "Although, really, I guess maybe I already have. Lost it, I mean. I do apparently have two me's now, don't I? And I'm trapped inside my head. And talking to myself too!" An edgy, almost hysterical laugh escaped her, before she shut it down, refusing to let herself fall apart any more than she already had. Too uncertain as to whether she'd be able to put herself back together again if she did. "My nervous breakdown's just gonna have to take a backseat for the time being, 'cause I've got more important things to worry about," she muttered resignedly. "Like figuring out how to make my way back to the real world."

Sighing heavily, she forced herself back on track, "Alright, so focus Max. While it is a blessing for her to be in control right now, it's also potentially problematic over the longer term. Because what's gonna happen when this is over? Assuming all goes well with the baby, and I want to return that is. Will I even be able to go back and take over again?" Thinking about the sharp blinding pain she'd felt when 452 had assumed command, she wasn't sure. "Was there a greater meaning to that? Maybe we weren't separate before, and whatever she did caused the split? Maybe that's why I'm not aware anymore of what's going on?" And that was a frightening thought. Made it all seem that much more permanent.

"Of course, she's likely gonna be a complete basket case by the time this is finished. Probably be more than eager to hand the reins back over to me if she can." She grimaced and shivered, as she unwittingly remembered the tears and tormented look on 452's face near the end. But it didn't bear thinking about. She couldn't. Not if she wanted to remain at least semi-sane and functional.

"Alright, so I'll find a way to get back. Somehow." She told herself firmly and pushed on. "In the meantime, I've got to do something. 'Cause I'll go stir-crazy if I just sit here thinking about everything that's likely happening to me right now. To her." She amended quickly, finding it much easier to deal with that way. Even that slightest bit of separation helping to soothe her frayed nerves.

"Okay, so maybe I can use this time to figure out who's doing this. Maybe some of these memories can actually help me." Looking up, she stared nervously at the archways around her, not even sure which one she'd most recently come out of. "Do I dare try to visit any more though? What if I end up back there again?"

She shuddered and then shook her head, trying to convince herself it would be okay. "No. That can't be very likely, can it? After all, I've got almost 25 years worth of memories to choose from. And the ones I want to avoid only take up maybe a few days of that. So I should be safe. Shouldn't I? The odds should be in my favor."

Slowly rising to her feet and wincing at the bone-deep weariness seeping through her, she started walking down the hallway, taking herself farther away from danger. Or at least she hoped she was. Finally stopping when she'd gone about 300 feet, she gazed at the arches around her and started praying, "Please make it a good one. Be something that I want to see… Please…" Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she turned and forced herself to enter one...