Author's Note: The negative self-image/self-blaming behaviors that Max/452 are exhibiting are a direct result of the abuse they have suffered. My narrative is not meant as an opinion on their true character, or of rape victims in general, only as a window on how they tend to view themselves after such a life-altering experience.
A special shout out to: Shelly14, Jaa's mom, aca, yansan, melpomene and Faithrss for all your kind words of encouragement and comments. I'm sorry this has taken so long to get out, but real life's been a real bear with a ton of family medical issues.
Mood Music: Honestly OK by Dido and Breathe Me by Sia
Chapter 15
"Come here, my pet." He called out imperiously as he leaned against a table to one side of the room. The black leather of his outfit gleaming in the spotlight shining directly down on him and his erection, which was jutting out obscenely from the rest of his body.
From out of the darkness she emerged slowly, painfully, crawling submissively with her face almost skimming the concrete, her movements graceless and clearly requiring maximum effort. The oddly disjointed angles of her left forearm and shoulder, the raw flayed mess of her back and ass, and the fact that her entire body was plastered with an alarming array of bruises, abrasions, lacerations and welts more than enough reason for her struggle, even without taking into account her obvious fatigue.
Her wet hair dripped and dangled messily from the tangled knot on top of her head, but it couldn't conceal the abject capitulation in her expression and bearing as she came to a stop between his feet. Pushing herself up into an awkwardly-splayed kneeling pose, she tilted her face up to gaze at him fawningly.
"There's my good girl." He murmured condescending, reaching down and patting the side of her face as if she were a trained dog, silently daring her to rebel and incur his wrath. "Are you ready to prove yourself as my mate, to show 494 who you truly belong to?"
"Yes master. I live to serve you and am honored and privileged to have a man like you take me as your mate. You are far more worthy than 494." There was no hesitation or stuttering in her voice or countenance as she spoke deferentially, "And I would love nothing better than to suck you off as proof of my devotion, if that would please you?"
Trev looked down on her, seemingly considering her request before granting, "You may," and then leered at her with the utmost satisfaction; all too eager to send this final video to the cocky thorn in his side, certain the fact that 'Maxie' appeared to be doing this of her own free will, with no chains binding her, would absolutely destroy him. The added fact that he alone knew where the key was hidden to unlock and remove the unseen menace lurking deep inside her, only adding to his delight at what was to come, knowing he owned her now. That he'd finally broken the haughty bitch to his will.
There was the briefest flicker of something in her eyes as her shoulders drooped infinitesimally; and if you didn't know her intimately, hadn't spent years learning the intricacies and nuances of her expressions, postures and mannerisms, it would be easy to miss the loathing, dread and despair veiled in the hard blink she gave at the same time. As caught up as he was in his impending victory and glory, Trev didn't register it at all.
Mentally steeling herself for what she had to do, knowing it would almost certainly cost them 494 and that it was going to hurt like hell with her mouth and tongue burned and blistered as they were, 452 carefully licked her lips, locked away her heart and soul, and prepared to give the performance of her life. For their baby's life. Reaching up with her right hand, she cupped the bastard's balls and erection in her stiff aching fingers and opened her mouth.
2025Jan13 - Monday - Approximately 4:45 am
Alec jerked awake with tears running down his face, his teeth grinding and fists clenching uncontrollably. Barely suppressing a snarl of rage and anguish, he buried his face in his pillow and tried to snuff out the images burned into his brain, unable to bear another replay.
'It doesn't matter what she said or what it looked like,' he told himself determinedly, dredging up that tiny flicker in her eyes that had been his only savior to the horror that had followed. 'You know she wasn't doing any of that voluntarily, not with that fucking pear shoved up inside her as leverage. She had no other choice if she wanted to keep our baby safe and get out of there in one piece! So just calm the fuck down! It's not her fault!
Unfortunately, another painful memory rose to take its place; this one of a back alley in TC. Of Max, with her eyes glazed over and mouth panting, her back crushed up against a brick wall while her pants slid down around her ankles. Trev growling and pressing insistently into her with his mouth rooting around at her neckline, his left hand fumbling to remove her panties while his right was up her shirt pawing roughly at her breasts. His pants in a similar state as hers.
'She wasn't exactly unwilling then, was she.' A dark and sullen part of his brain suggested nastily, making him roll over onto his back in disgust.
'Fuck off! She didn't want Trev. That never would've happened if she hadn't been in heat and so torn up over Logan's death.' He forced himself to recall how she'd kept twisting her head around to keep the bastard from accessing her neck; her features marred by a look of resignation and revulsion that had swiftly given way to relief once he'd yanked Trev away from her.
'I'm the one she went home with and called out for all night. She let me claim her right away. And she chose me as her mate!' He told himself firmly on a steadying breath, his hand coming up instinctively to stroke over her mark, using the physical reassurance to help calm the animal within that was just spoiling for a fight.
Refusing to allow himself to dwell on it further, he opened his eyes and then blinked, disoriented by the quiet and darkness surrounding him; the curtains and floor lamp on the far side of the bed now cold and dark. Glancing over at the doorway, he saw a thick quilt hanging across it from floor to ceiling, most likely put up by Retha in an attempt to keep from disturbing him. And after a moment, he realized he felt far more rested than he should after only a few hours nap.
'What the hell time is it anyway?' Quickly checking his watch, he was stunned to discover it was nearly 5 am, which meant he'd more than slept the clock around. 'Shit!' Getting up in a panic to check on Max, he padded barefoot toward the living room, only to pause at the cloth barrier when he heard her mention his name. Not really meaning to eavesdrop, but hoping to get a better read on how she was coping before facing her again, he hung back and peeked out through a tiny gap along the side.
At first glance, she didn't seem to be fairing too badly considering. She was walking gingerly along the windows, wearing a pair of fleece pajama pants and his t-shirt from earlier; her right hand fiddling with the neckline and bringing it up to her nose every so often for a rather telling sniff while her left rested protectively over her abdomen. And while her steps weren't fluid or quick by any stretch of the imagination, she was at least moving slightly easier than before.
Her body language told another story however. Instead of oozing her usual confidence and take-charge attitude, she gave the impression of a caged or hunted animal with her hunched-in shoulders and body visibly poised for flight. She looked about ready to snap, with a fragility about her he'd never witnessed before: her eyes roving constantly and head twitching at the slightest of sounds or movements, her teeth worrying frantically at her raw lower lip as she carefully negotiated the narrow path behind the couch.
"Ya know you could go on in there an' wake him boo. He did say to if you needed anything." OC reminded her gently as she leaned against the side of the couch and surreptitiously stifled a yawn, trying her best not to hover too obtrusively despite her deepening concern for her best friend. The dark shadows and vivid bruising around Max's heavily bloodshot eyes only highlighting the tension and hands-off vibe she was radiating.
"I know, but I don't want to disturb him unless it's absolutely necessary. He really needs his sleep." Max murmured fretfully, her fingers unconsciously toying again with the soft worn cotton of his t-shirt.
"He's already been out over fifteen hours sugar, an' that will've done him a world o' good, even if it weren't the soundest he's ever had." They'd heard him mumble and cry out multiple times over the course of the night, but he'd somehow managed to avoid waking himself. "He should be fine if you get 'im up now." OC added in an attempt to reassure her.
Considering it for a moment, Max reluctantly shook her head. "No, I can manage this. I can," she repeated in a slightly firmer tone, although her expression didn't seem to be buying it. "I've got you and Retha here with me, we've got Alec's gun, and there are four armed transgenics stationed outside on guard duty as well. And at this point, there's no reason for those bastards to come back after me right? They've gotta believe they've won. So I should feel safe, shouldn't I?" she asked falteringly.
"Maybe so," OC grudgingly agreed, cradling the blanket she held closer to her chest as she wanted so badly to do with Max herself, "but you've just been through one hellishly creepy ordeal boo. Ain't no shame in wanting or needing your man with you at a time like this."
"Yeah, but what would I even say to him without looking like a basket case, huh?" Max muttered almost to herself and ran her right hand back over her hair, imagining it out loud, "'Oh, hey, I know you're exhausted and all, but would you mind coming out here and holding my hand for maybe oh – say forever - 'cause I don't feel secure without you beside me? Cause, oh yeah, remember that supposedly tough, savvy, independent woman you mated with? Well, sorry, but she doesn't exist anymore. She's been reduced to a feeble and pathetic shadow of herself.'" She finished derogatively.
Alec was about to step out and join her, fueled by the despondency and self-disgust in her tone and bearing, but hesitated when she shook her head, obviously clinging to the last vestiges of her pride as she declared, "No. I need to prove this to myself; to know that I can be here without him in relative safety, without having a bloody panic attack. I have to be strong enough to do this, especially with what today has in store, or I may as well give up completely."
Unable to rob her of that, knowing how desperately she needed a victory at this point no matter how minor, he reluctantly settled in to listen for a while so it wouldn't seem like he was jumping in to her rescue.
OC nodded decisively, "A'ight. If that's the way you want it boo; you know I've got your back on this, come hell or high water."
Retha glanced curiously at the covered doorway beside her, fairly certain she'd detected a hint of movement, then up at the clock on the wall, the Glock she'd borrowed from Alec resting snugly at the small of her back. "Well I imagine he'll be waking up fairly soon anyway. Instinct will have him wanting to check on you, and the soldier in him won't let him stay down too much longer either, no matter how tired he might be." As she spoke, she twirled the small blanket she held into a rope, then coiled it into a donut shape and walked over to place it back down on the couch, making a mental note to grab Max a proper inflatable pillow upon their return to TC.
Seeing that her improvised padded seat was ready for her again, Max frowned, her mounting agitation driving an urge to pace if only to keep herself occupied, but she knew she needed to conserve energy, her body just too beat-up and sore to keep going without another decent break. Giving up with a frustrated groan, she slowly made her way around to the front of the couch and began the agonizing process of sitting. Both women providing support as they helped lower her down and counterbalance her weight until she found a position that was semi-bearable.
"Thanks. Sorry for being such a pain. I'm just really nervous… and scared." She admitted in a subdued tone, her hands curling up into balls in her lap. "I have no clue how the hell I'm gonna get through today, let alone the rest of all this."
Retha sank into the armchair across the coffee table from her, several half-empty mugs, a wad of balled up tissues and the cards from their sixth attempt at a distraction lying abandoned on it. Her posture open and inviting, she suggested, "Sometimes it helps to talk things out and get a different perspective. Do you maybe want to tell us what you're worried about?"
"Where do I even start? It's just… everything is messed up, and I'm so spun I don't know which way is up anymore." Max sighed and gave a tight smile of thanks as OC carefully draped the blanket back around her shoulders then resumed her seat beside her. "This was so much simpler to deal with last week, when I was still numb and this whole situation felt abstract and surreal. It was easier to convince myself I was just having really graphic nightmares because I had no physical proof of anything bad happening."
"But now?" She shuddered and looked down at herself, self-consciously picking at the bandages protecting her damaged nail beds and fingertips. "There's no way I can deny this. No matter how hard I've tried or how badly I want to. I'd hoped that by taking a break from sleeping maybe I could find a little peace - at least from the nightmares - but it isn't helping. If anything it's getting worse as it's giving me too much time to think. I can't relax and my brain absolutely refuses to switch off; it just keeps running through scenarios and tossing out all these random thoughts and memories to torment me. Like a hamster on a wheel, spinning around furiously and getting friggin' nowhere. And I have no idea how to make it stop. Or make sense of it all."
"Pretty sure that's normal after something like this, boo. Did you really expect to be down with it?" OC asked quietly, her eyes drooping and burning with tiredness, having been up pretty much the last three days straight with the exception of a few power naps.
"No, but this is beyond that Cin, especially with all this crap with 452." Max looked over at Retha anxiously. "I didn't even know she existed until last week. At least not like this, as some separate entity from me. But somehow she does, and she knows everything about me - at this point she knows more than I do! She even implied she'd done this for me before, though I don't remember anything near this horrendous ever happening. And how is that even possible with our memories? Is something seriously wrong with me?"
Her hands twisted in her lap, her face crinkling with distress as she muttered, "One of my siblings - a guy in my unit - he eventually became so messed up after our escape that he lost it and turned serial killer. So is that what I have to look forward to, am I gonna go nuts too? Is this like the first step toward schizophrenia or something worse?"
Alec grimaced at the reminder of his twin's break from sanity, knowing how much of a sore spot it still was for her. The fact that she was bringing it up to anyone other than him, a clear indication of how troubled she was by the possibility.
"No, Max." Retha shook her head immediately. "You're not going crazy. I'm certainly no expert on psychology, at least not yet, but from what I've read and seen, I believe you're suffering from something called Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is treatable and not all that unexpected given our upbringing. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that a few of us have it, just haven't had cause to present it as clearly or dramatically as you."
"That's some form of multiple personalities, I take it?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yes. DID is thought to form most commonly through prolonged or repeated exposure to highly traumatic events, particularly as a young child – like the crap Manticore forced us all to go through for the sake of 'training'." Retha frowned in disgust as she made the air quotes, feeling a renewed surge of anger at the pervasive damage their creators had so callously inflicted.
"With their powerful imaginations, kids tend to get very creative when it comes to problem-solving, and one of the ways they cope with extreme abuse is by convincing themselves that it's happening to someone else. In order to mentally and/or emotionally withdraw from a bad situation, they put this other person in charge; and the more prolonged and severe the abuse, the stronger that internal conditioning toward an alternate personality can become. In your case, I would assume you drew upon 452, who you felt was more capable of dealing with whatever was happening to you."
Max frowned as she thought about it. "I do sort of do that. Although it isn't exactly a conscious decision on my part; more like an instinctive fallback position whenever things get out of hand and I start feeling overwhelmed. It makes me feel stronger and more level-headed when I think of myself as a soldier again, but… usually I remember what's going on when that happens, even if it's not always crystal clear." She shook her head in frustration, looking highly disturbed. "Last week was different though. My head actually felt like it was splitting in two it hurt so bad, and I have no conscious memory of what happened to my body between then and waking up here Friday night except for the flashes and nightmares I keep getting from 452. Well, that and the memory I entered in my head." She shuddered and pulled the blanket up tighter around herself like a shield.
"Again, I'm no expert," Retha smiled and held her hands up appeasingly, "but I would suggest that the events you do remember involved more low-level stressors, where 452 was just giving you a boost rather than taking over completely. And one of the main indicators for a diagnosis of DID is a degree of amnesia between the personalities. After all, it wouldn't be much of an escape mechanism if you recalled everything that happened."
"I guess not. But then why isn't 452 keeping all of this to herself this time, like I'm assuming she's done in the past?"
Retha sighed sadly, her smile fading. "Likely because at some point during this mess she reached the limit of what she could handle, and that excess is now spilling back over on to you. Which, as awful as that is for you, is actually good news in the long run. Otherwise we could be dealing with the creation of another personality."
Max paled and swallowed hard, despite how raw her mouth and throat felt. "God, I definitely don't need that. This situation is already bad enough as is. I mean, honestly, you wanna know how screwed up I am? I got jealous of myself the other night!"
When both women looked at her confused, her cheeks heated with shame as she confessed, "Even though 452 was the one in charge, I was here pretty much the whole time you were treating me Retha, from when Alec laid me down on that bed in there. And I watched him comforting her. He was being so sweet and loving and saying all these wonderful things - things I seriously needed to hear - but that didn't stop a fire from igniting in my gut. All I could think was that I was the one who needed him and yet he was giving all of that freely to her and he knew it. He knew she wasn't me."
Alec winced and braced a hand against the wall at her husky accusation, not having thought about how his actions toward 452 might've affected her; his instincts making no real distinction between them, only recognizing her as his mate and in dire need of comfort. Obviously though, this was something he'd need to discuss with her at some point; the hurt coloring her voice too real for him to dismiss out of hand.
"And I know - rationally anyway - that getting upset about that is stupid, and sick. She obviously needs him just as desperately as I do, and it's not as if he's cheating on me because she's part of me, or… maybe I'm part of her, but God! This is so messed up!" She shook her head crossly. "I don't even know who I am anymore; I feel so out of control and I hate it! My body doesn't even feel like my own."
"Everything hurts and feels so wrong. And not just physically either, 'cause the mental is far worse. I feel so..." Max bit her bottom lip hard, inadvertently causing some of the deeper cracks to start bleeding again and she absently dabbed at the seepage with the gauze wrapping her right wrist as her eyes wandered off to make another circuit of her surroundings, obviously thinking hard before settling on, "contaminated, I guess. Like I've been infected with this festering poison, and something foul and evil is creeping around inside me corrupting everything it touches. My skin won't stop crawling, my gut is churning non-stop, and I just want to scream I'm so on edge. If I didn't hurt so goddamned bad I'd be pacing up a storm."
Her eyes burning with misery, she continued raggedly, "What's worse is I find myself cringing and struggling to breathe now merely at the thought of challenging Alec or demanding anything from him. Something that was completely natural to me before." She lifted a trembling hand and awkwardly brushed at the tears starting to well up, her words spilling out of her just as fluidly, "And I keep getting angry and upset, at the stupidest of things, yet I'm scared spitless when I do. It all feels so dangerous, like if I give in to the temptation to yell or argue in any way I'm gonna get hurt. Badly. And that's stupid too. I know that and I even know where it's coming from. But that doesn't make it any less real or any easier to push through." Her voice cracked and she groaned in frustration at her own weakness.
"I want to be able to scream and shout, and beat the crap out of something too while I'm at it. Yet I also feel like bawling almost constantly, just to round out the insanity." A half-sob/half-snort of disgust left her lips. "And the thing is, I'm too damned scared to actually do any of it because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to stop once I let myself go."
Her gaze dropped as her hand settled down low over her abdomen, stroking protectively over it. "I can't stop worrying either about what might happen if I get too upset. I can't risk losing this baby! I've already lost so much as is; I'm having a hard time believing I'm still pregnant." She sniffled hard, visibly struggling to rein in her wildly fluctuating emotions.
"I can give you another ultrasound, if that would help put your mind at ease." Retha offered instantly, even though she'd already scanned her a second time the previous night.
Max wavered, sorely tempted as she craved the incontrovertible proof that her baby was still alright, but also feeling extremely foolish and ashamed of how needy and insecure she was becoming. "Thanks, but I think twice should be enough. At least for this weekend anyway."
She sighed and shook her head at herself, "Truth is, I have no idea how I'm supposed to act or what I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm not used to feeling like this - so friggin' helpless and afraid! I always thought I was strong before, like I could take on anyone and do pretty much anything I set my mind to. Like some sort of goddamned superhero! But most of that must've come from 452, 'cause all I wanna do right now is crawl under a rock and d—hide." She quickly covered, her stomach churning anew as her thoughts were drawn back to the situation she'd be facing all too soon.
Alec froze, his heart racing as he read between the lines to what she'd almost admitted. But he was distracted when he saw the scant color she'd gained drain from her cheeks, her eyes losing focus as she shivered uncontrollably and instinctively buried herself further in her blanket.
…MEMORY/FLASH…
"The funny thing is, you actually believe that you're worthy of being our leader." He shook his head disdainfully and sneered, "Everyone laughs at you behind your back, you know. Nobody wants you in charge. The only reason anybody even tolerates your presence is because of 494 and his misguided loyalty to you."
Seeing that she'd drifted off somewhere in her head again, Retha waited patiently for a minute before trying to get her attention back. "Max? You still with us?"
"Huh?" Clearly startled, she clenched her left hand awkwardly around a fistful of blanket, looking around nervously before mumbling distractedly, "Yeah. Sorry. Just… thinking."
"'Bout what boo?" OC asked.
Max sighed morosely and lowered her head self-consciously, her voice strained and hoarse as she hesitantly directed her next words at her lap. "That somehow it's gotten to be Monday already, and in a few hours I'm gonna have to walk into Command with my head held high and face everybody. People that I'm expected to lead. And they're all gonna be staring at me."
"No one is going to stare at you Max." Retha denied instantly even as she eyed her worriedly, not having missed her earlier verbal slip.
"You say that now, but how can they not?" She gestured despairingly at herself and glanced back up at them. "I mean, look at me. I look and feel like absolute crap and everyone's gonna know that I… that I was…" she barely bit back a sob and inhaled shakily before forcing out, "attacked. There's no way I can possibly hope to hide it. So how am I supposed to face them, huh? How am I supposed to lead them after this? I had to work so damn hard for far too long to get everyone to accept me and see me as anything other than a niner, and now that'll be gone. Nobody's gonna respect me; if they ever did!"
"Yes they will Max. You're one of us now." Retha insisted. "Most of our people have become your friends or colleagues, and they admire you greatly for everything you've struggled to help us create in TC. If anything, they're going to respect you more, because you won't be running or hiding from this. You're going to fight this out on your own terms."
"Yeah, well that's another thing entirely, isn't it, because I sure as hell feel like running. The more I think about coming face-to-face with these bastards again, the more freaked out I'm getting!" She shook her head, her eyes shimmering with barely contained apprehension. "Our whole plan to catch them is riding on me being able to act cool and unconcerned while I rile them up, and I don't know if I can do that anymore. I keep hearing their laughter in my head and I'm becoming more and more convinced I'm gonna collapse into a blubbering mess if either one of them so much as looks at me." She scrubbed her right hand anxiously over her curls and then frowned as she tried to finger them through the bandages, still unsettled by the radical change in length.
"Alright, let's say for a moment that you do collapse. What's the worst that could happen?" Retha asked, playing devil's advocate.
"Other than me making an even bigger fool of myself in front of everyone?" Max asked rhetorically, the lines around her eyes and lips tightening even further.
Retha exhaled softly, consciously reining in her exasperation, "Do you seriously think that anybody - other than those two ass-wipes and maybe their most rabid supporters - would hold it against you if you did breakdown? You've just been through absolute hell Max and survived to tell the tale. Nobody's gonna look down on you for that."
Something occurred to her and she asked, "Did you lose respect or admiration for the others when they fell apart in the exam room with us afterward? Did you feel a sudden need to reject them or think any less of them?"
Shaking her head somewhat sheepishly, Max whispered, "No."
"Damned right you didn't. Because they didn't do anything wrong. And neither did you." Retha spoke slowly and clearly, gently emphasizing every word. "You have nothing to be ashamed of Max. This whole mess rests squarely on Bran and Trev. They're the ones who committed a crime here. Not you."
"Quite frankly, I think that you being mobile and showing up at HQ at all right now – no matter what shape you're in - is going to throw them and piss them off to no end. It might even be enough to make Trev tip their hand with how volatile he can get." Retha tried to reassure her. "Because the others have basically retreated into seclusion. Kaley is only now starting to come out in public again, and very infrequently at that."
Max gave a tiny half-hearted shrug, not appearing convinced as she looked to her best friend for her opinion.
OC reached out and carefully took her closest hand in hers, staring into her eyes as she proclaimed, "I know this ain't gonna be easy sugar, but you can do this. You are the strongest an' bravest woman I know. Certainly a lot tougher than a couple o' whiny-assed pervs who think that abusin' women like this'll get 'em their way. All you gotta do is let yourself get well an' truly mad an' they won't stand a chance."
"But how do I do that Cin? I'm so freakin' scared; I don't feel brave one bit."
"Being brave ain't about not bein' afraid. It's about bein' able to do somethin' important anyway, despite how tough it is or how afraid you are." Cindy thought about it for a second. "Think what you need do is change your perspective while you're dealin' with 'em."
"I've been trying to put everything back on 452 since this happened and it isn't working!" Max cried out, her blanket slipping down past her shoulders as she pulled back, fairly twitching with irritation.
"That ain't what I mean boo. You need to externalize this for a bit, while still makin' it personal." Having a sudden brainstorm, OC insisted, "Take everythin' that happened an' imagine they did that to Original Cindy instead. How would you feel then? You'd be so pissed at these assholes, you'd tear their nasty little heads clean off and rip 'em to shreds."
'Fuck.' Alec cursed silently, the idea hammering at his brain as he realized something vital that he'd missed in his earlier exhaustion. 'I need to call Mark and arrange for some support for her as well. Because sure as shit, they will try to harm her. Cindy is about the only weakness left of Max's, at least that they know about and can easily exploit.' Allowing half of his attention to stray to revising their protection plan, he watched with interest as a faint spark lit in his mate's eyes.
"That might work," Max muttered uncertainly, her fingers coming back down to fiddle with the ends of her blanket and pull it back up into place.
"Course it will. An' you won't be alone neither. Alec's gonna be right there with you, sugar. He ain't gonna leave your side for a second."
"I know," Max nodded slowly, still looking concerned. "That's about the only thing keeping me going. But it also makes me nervous 'cause he's already wound up tight, and if they provoke him into losing his shit - like I fear they might - there's no way I'll be able to rein him in long enough for even a semblance of a trial to occur. He'll just slaughter them outright and that could ruin us and everything we've been building in TC. We can't afford for this to go sideways. Bran is still far too popular and respected."
Hearing the very real apprehension in her voice, Alec paused to consider the potential situation she was outlining. Unfortunately, it was all too easy to see her point. This would be the first real test of their command since they'd gained their independence, and if he failed to hold himself in check it could be disastrous; the faith and loyalty of their people crucial to their continued leadership and the survival of their budding society. Far too many of them still likely to go to ground in the event of a serious breakdown in command. Especially when it involved someone they all trusted.
"We need to be able to prove beyond a doubt that they're guilty. No matter how badly I want to see them suffer and die, as leader I still have to enforce due process. I can't let Alec take justice into his own hands, but I don't know what I could possibly do to stop him if he gets riled up and his instincts take over."
"All you can do is try your best Max." Retha offered. "No one is asking more of you than that."
"I guess." Sighing heavily, Max tilted her head back down and inhaled as deeply as she could without aggravating her ribs, taking in Alec's scent again from his shirt even though it was getting fainter to her dismay.
Her thoughts drifting, she murmured despondently, "You know, the whole time I was trapped inside my head, all I could think about, the only thing I wanted was Alec. He's my rock, and being in his arms is like being… home. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. There's nowhere else I've ever felt safer, or more loved. And now I'm back, and I can be there if I want to, and I do. God! I'd give anything for him to be able to hold me and make me feel better! To make this all go away for a while and help me find a little peace. That's all I want right now."
Alec couldn't contain a soft smile, the sentiment heartening, but it was short-lived as her next words tore through him.
"But now that I'm being bombarded with all this crap," her voice broke again on a quiet sob and she deflated even further, "it's getting harder to let him do it, at least for any length of time. And I know that's perverse, because I need to have him close by - to be able to see him and smell him, and reach out and touch him - yet at the same time I really have to focus on him and almost psych myself up for his touch, 'cause it doesn't seem to take much of anything to set me off. I've already freaked out on him a few times and I can see him blaming himself for it even though none of this is his fault."
She shook her head dejectedly, brushing away a few fresh tears. "It's not fair. The last thing I wanna do is hurt him like that and I certainly don't want to see or think about any of that shit either, especially when I'm with him, but I can't seem to help it. My nerves are completely shot, to the point it feels like I'm operating on a hair trigger."
"One second I think I'm doin' alright and the next I'm getting slammed from out of nowhere. And it's not even from anything he's necessarily said or done!" She threw her right hand up in frustration, her voice gaining unconscious strength in her agitation. "It's just there, and the panic is crushing, clawing at my guts and making me feel like my heart's about to explode. I can't breathe, I can't speak. I can barely even move! It's just instantaneous and overwhelming terror, from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye."
"I mean, what the hell's wrong with me?" she cried as more tears slipped down her cheeks. "I know better than to be scared of Alec. He's my mate and he'd rather die than hurt me. I know that better than I know my own self at this point! But none of that seems to matter to my instincts. I keep on overreacting to all these stupid little things that I never would've thought twice about before, and I don't know what to do about it, or how to stop it."
"You're being far too hard on yourself Max. You've just survived one of the most traumatic and life-altering experiences imaginable." Retha said with a sympathetic smile. "Most people would find it difficult to cope with even one or two of the heinous things you've been confronted with over the past week. No one could be expected to escape that unscathed, not even a genetically-enhanced super-soldier."
"Yet despite all that, here you are, still standing, albeit maybe not as strongly as you'd like. But you have a wonderful best friend by your side, a beautiful little baby to look forward to in another seven months or so, and you also have an extremely devoted mate who clearly loves you more than life itself."
She paused for a moment to emphasize her next points. "More importantly, you and your baby made it out of that hellhole alive. Not only that, but you also managed to figure out who's been doing this, and those are both things to be damn proud of. So cut yourself some slack. You are allowed to freak out as much as you want or need to; you've more than earned that right. Nobody that really matters is gonna think any less of you for it if you do, and everyone else can go stuff it far as I'm concerned. And while I know this whole situation is terrifying and extremely upsetting, I think you and Alec are strong enough to make it through this."
Max sat there silently for a minute, clearly contemplating her words as her fingers rubbed fretfully along the casting on her left wrist, the slowly-knitting bone inside aching. "I'd really like to believe that," she finally confessed quietly, "but it doesn't make me any less worried about the prospect of losing him at some point."
"You're not gonna lose Alec boo. Why would you think that?" OC asked, clearly puzzled.
"It's just… our relationship has always been so physical, so full of fire and passion. Not that that's all there is to it," she clarified quickly, "but it is a large part of our foundation. There's always been this intense friction and… magnetism between us, a constant push and pull that's kept us sparking off each other. Him with his suggestive comments and sidelong smirks, and me with my bitchy attitude and smacks upside the head." A small smile lifted her lips at the thought. "We've bickered and bantered, and taken tons of potshots at each other, gradually negotiating our way through to becoming friends and partners and mates. And that behavior has become so ingrained, it's like the backbone of who we are."
"But how are we supposed to make that kind of physicality and teasing work now?" She asked helplessly, looking lost. "I feel so dirty and repulsive I'd like nothing better than to peel my skin right off and burn it. And even knowing as little as I do so far with all these fragmented scraps of memories, I'm having a hard time imagining ever wanting to have sex again; just seeing Alec strip down to his bare chest yesterday sent me into full-blown panic mode. So what am I supposed to do, huh? I can't ask him to become a monk for the rest of his life, no matter how badly I need him to stay with me. That wouldn't be fair to him, and it's definitely not what he signed up for. None of this is."
She sighed wretchedly. "And you both saw what happened when he raised his voice while you were treating me the other night. He wasn't even angry or saying anything remotely offensive, only trying to emphasize his point, and 452 and I both lost it. So that doesn't bode well either."
Retha sighed too, looking pained. "I'm not gonna lie to you Max. This isn't going to be easy, not by a long shot. It's liable to be the toughest challenge you'll ever have to face. You're going to feel extremely raw and hurt for what's going to seem like a very long time, and that's natural and to be expected after enduring something this nasty. So is a complete aversion to sex." She acknowledged. "In quite a few cases that does lessen over time as a person regains a sense of trust and control over their environment, but unfortunately… sometimes it doesn't ever go away. So your relationship may, and very likely will, evolve into something different from what you had before. That doesn't necessarily mean worse though; you may actually find this brings you closer together."
Deliberately making eye contact, she emphasized, "Make no mistake, it's going to take a lot of effort, dedication and patience to work through this as a couple and figure things out, but I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about where Alec's concerned. I've already had a talk with him explaining some of the key issues you're likely to be facing and he's fully on board, ready and willing to help in any way he can. He loves you Max."
"I know. But, I don't… How can he…" Max ducked her head and cursed under her breath, frustrated by her inability to express herself. Gathering herself, she tried again. "Sorry, it's just, he saw some of what happened to me, he actually watched-" her voice caught on a sob and she brought her hand up to hide her flaming cheeks, rubbing at her leaking eyes with her bandaged fingertips for a moment before exclaiming to the ceiling, "Hell, he probably knows more about what happened to me than I do at the moment, and that's just wrong!"
After taking a deep breath to try to clear the tightness from her throat, she managed to force out, "The humiliation I'm feeling on a personal level is already near impossible to bear, but to know that Alec has seen me like that – in the weakest and vilest light imaginable? – only makes it worse." She shook her head, her expression shattered as a shudder ran through her. "And I know he was only doing it to try to save me, but I can't stand the thought of it! So how can he? How can he ever look at me the same way, or ever want to be with me again? Especially with this on me!" Mortified, she covered the bandage on her neck with her right hand and lowered her head to look back down at her lap, struggling desperately to curb her tears and calm down, not wanting to risk waking him.
Loathe to let that go unchallenged, Alec stepped out from behind the quilt, not even bothering to hide his own tears. "Oh sweetheart, none of that has any bearing on my feelings for you. I don't want you thinking that, not even for a second, because it's simply not true. We're about so much more than that."
Max jerked in her seat, unnerved by his sudden appearance; her eyes darting to his as a hiss of pain and surprise left her lips. Seeing how upset he was by her impetuous spiel and realizing he had to have been listening for a while, she dropped her gaze again almost immediately, chagrined, a very small and husky, "I'm sorry," leaving her trembling lips.
Alec sighed softly, deeply regretting the insecurity and doubt his long sleep and absence had evidently cost her. "You don't need to apologize for the way you feel babe. Certainly not to me. But I would like to share my perspective on this, if you'll let me. Will you look at me and hear me out, please?"
Retha and OC quickly glanced over at each other, then stood almost as one and gathered up the mugs and garbage from the coffee table, retreating to the kitchen to clean up and make some fresh tea and coffee in an effort to give the couple some privacy.
Waiting patiently until she settled and hesitantly made eye contact, and knowing instinctively that what he said to her now could have a huge impact on their future, Alec began walking toward her, picking his words with care as he declared, "I'm not your mate just because of a bite mark on your neck Max. I'm your mate because I love you and know you intimately in every way there is. Because we trust and respect each other implicitly, and share a bond of loyalty, honor and kinship that no one can possibly break."
He stopped in front of her and knelt at her feet, offering her a tender smile once he was ensconced at her level. "You have captivated me from the moment I met you," he told her, slowly raising a hand as he did so and brushing his fingers very lightly over hers on her neck, "and this doesn't change a single thing between us or lessen my respect for you one bit. Neither does anything I saw in those videos or photos. You are still the same incredible woman I fell in love with, and you will always be my mate. No matter what anyone else tries to say or do to the contrary, I will love you and want to be with you until the day I die. Now and forever." He vowed softly. "There will never be anyone else for me."
Seeing her start to shy away, her eyes growing heavier with fear and uncertainty as her thoughts undoubtedly drifted toward their sex-life again, he tipped a finger under her chin for a moment to help hold her focus then continued earnestly, "And I don't want you worrying either about when or if we'll ever make love again, or whether you might lose me if we don't. That shouldn't even be on your radar; you're worth so much more to me than that."
He shook his head and shrugged nonchalantly, speaking as frankly as he could. "As far as I'm concerned, sex is completely off the table for us as of now. And it will be until the day you decide that you're ready for us to start exploring that possibility. You are in control here sweetheart, so please relax. We'll take this one day at a time and see where we end up."
Sighing ruefully, he confessed, "I'm not gonna lie to you. I am hopeful we'll get there again someday. But if we don't, then I'll deal and be fine with it. I promise you that. I've got two hands and I am more than capable of taking care of myself from now on if that's the way you need it to be. Even if that lasts forever." He smiled deprecatingly. "Call me a stubborn ass if you want to – like you have several times in the past - but I am not giving up on us and I'm not backing down. I refuse to. You are too damned precious to me and you have to know that I will fight for you with my last breath."
Max sniffled and lifted a hand to brush away a few fresh tears, dazzled by the sincerity and sheer tenacity blazing at her from his intent green eyes, though his sudden willingness to embrace a life of celibacy confounded her. "But how can this not matter to you Alec?"
Trying to be as open and honest as he could without making things worse, he admitted, "It's not that it doesn't, not exactly. I am mainly human after all and I'd be lying if I said certain aspects of this situation didn't hurt like hell. But I am far more concerned about you and how badly you've been hurt by all this." He offered her a small apologetic smile.
"Sex isn't the be-all and end-all of our relationship Max, and I don't love only that part of you. It's the whole package that makes you who you are, the good and the bad, your strengths and weaknesses, flaws and all. And that includes 452 as well. To me, she's just another facet of the amazing woman I fell in love with and mated, and therefore just as deserving of my care and attention. No matter who's driving or where life takes us, I'm still gonna love you. All of you."
Waiting for a minute as she processed that, and hoping she took it the right way, Alec took a deep breath and continued, "Neither one of us is perfect sweetheart, no matter how hard Manticore tried to make us that way, and I am certainly not going to hold you to some impossibly higher standard than I would myself." Aching inside as he saw how much she was struggling with this, he borrowed off of Retha and Cindy and suggested softly, "How about you try putting yourself in my shoes for a minute?"
When she looked at him nonplussed, he asked, "If our places were reversed and something this nasty had happened to me, if I'd just had the absolute snot kicked out of me and been abused just as foully this past week, and you'd had to stand by helplessly and watch some of it happen… How would you feel?" He deliberately held eye contact with her, needing to ascertain her reaction. "Would you judge me or view me any differently? Would you stop loving me, or maybe want to abandon me, simply because there was a possibility our relationship could change or we'd never be intimate again? Would I suddenly become unworthy in your eyes?"
He could see it almost physically strike her, the realization that he wouldn't, that she'd never even dream of doing any of those things. And it soothed her, at least momentarily, her voice soft and husky as she acknowledged with another particularly wet sniffle, "No. I'd love you anyway, no matter what."
"Exactly. And I do. It's that simple."
She nodded shyly and bit her lower lip, trying to take his assurances at face value and compose herself, but her hyperactive shit-storm of a brain refused to leave her be, tossing out a few more nasty suggestions to eat away at her peace of mind.
"Hey." Alec ducked his head a bit to recapture her attention when he saw another wave of doubt wash over her, speaking very carefully and gently emphasizing his words as he tried to get through to her, "What happened was not your fault baby. You didn't choose or ask to have any of this happen. And you certainly didn't break our bond or betray my trust. You were kidnapped, held against your will and forced to endure unspeakable acts. Nothing about this was voluntary. So why would I blame you or judge you?"
"But I didn't fight them!" She confessed huskily, her eyes flooding with a deluge of tears as she couldn't quite hold his gaze, her intense shame clear.
"No, you didn't," he agreed softly, wishing for the umpteenth time that he could just take her in his arms and hold her, "but you had a damn good reason not to Max. They could have killed you so easily, and you certainly would've wound up hurt far worse than you already are, likely losing our baby in the process." He shivered at the thought and reached up to cup her face for a moment with a decidedly shaky hand. "I couldn't live with any of those alternatives, and I will never blame you for protecting yourself and our child. For doing whatever it took to survive and come home to me."
"But-"
"No, no buts baby." He shook his head firmly. "They had no right to treat you so foully. There is no reason nor any excuse that could ever be good enough to justify that kind of vicious and cowardly behavior, and I will make them pay for hurting you like this."
Seeing the worry surge back into her eyes and recalling her earlier words, he eased a hand up and gently reassured her, "I swear I'll do it properly. No matter what they say or do to bait me, I'll wait until we have the necessary evidence before I take them out. But they will die Max. I will never let them harm you, or any other woman, ever again. You will be safe." He promised hoarsely.
Desolate, his soul in tatters and his voice raw with anguish, he murmured, "I wish to God I could make this better for you. If there were any way I could have taken your place and saved you from this, I would've done it in a heartbeat. Seeing you in this much pain is killing me sweetheart."
"And I am so sorry I watched those clips. I knew you wouldn't want me seeing any of that shit but I couldn't see any other option if I wanted to find you." He apologized huskily, swiping away fresh tears of his own. "For what it's worth, I tried my damnedest not to actually look at you, to focus strictly on them and your surroundings, so I could track them down and rescue you. Not that it did me any damn good. I failed you. I wasn't there when you needed me the most and I will never forgive myself for that."
"Alec, no." Max sobbed, devastated by his palpable pain and remorse as he broke down in front of her. Reaching out to him, she lifted his chin back up to look at her and pressed her bandaged palm against his bristly cheek, stroking his tears away with her thumb. "I know you tried as hard as you could to find me. That you would've done anything to save me. None of this was your fault." She cried. Needing to comfort him as much as she needed it herself, she leaned in and rested her forehead against his, slowly sliding her good arm around his neck and shoulders and running her fingers through his hair as she breathed him in, praying with everything she had that she'd be able to hold it together and not lose it on him.
"I am so so sorry sweetie," he moaned raggedly, feeling like shit for letting things devolve like this. "I didn't mean to upset you. You've already got more than enough to be dealing with as is." Bracing his hands on either side of the couch around her, he forced himself not to touch her as he tried to pull himself together.
She shushed him gently though and pressed a very light and tentative kiss against the stubble on his damp cheek, even as more tears fell down her own. "It's okay Alec. It'll be okay. I love you so much, and I am so glad you're mine."
"Me too baby. Me too." He answered huskily, closing his eyes and letting himself relax under her soothing touch and embrace, needing it too badly at this point to even try to resist.
Cindy sniffled quietly and brushed at the tears on her own cheeks, overcome with emotion as she watched the couple huddling together in their shared pain and grief. Feeling a light hand on her shoulder, she turned and found Retha in a similar state.
Smiling sadly in commiseration, Retha pulled her in for a one-armed hug and murmured just loud enough for her to hear, "I am so glad they have each other. Their love and devotion may be the only saving grace of this mess."
"Amen to that, sister."