Quietus

Chapter 5

Nightmares…

I absolutely hate nightmares. I guess I think I am above all the kind of nonsense where your subconscious is trying to tell you something important you need to know. Or could a nightmare be a result of your worse fears playing out like some kind of B rated horror movie that you can't quite seem to escape no matter how hard you try?

Nightmares, the ones somewhere along the way you realize you must be dreaming, yet no reprieve is allowed even if you think you can outrun the monsters which apparently reside in your head. While some people think they don't have any darkness inside of them I believe they are kidding themselves because we all carry certain shades of darkness within each one of us.

Some just don't have to ever draw upon the darkness, I only wish I had been that privileged, but alas the darkness and I have been companions more times oft than not. Thick as thieves we've been on several occasions, aligning ourselves to say and do things to others that most would definitely shy away from because one thing about the darkness is that its tendrils can wrap around your soul so tightly you feel as if you can never flee its clutches.

But luckily, I don't have to hang out with the darkness anymore. My life actually took a turn for the better after Samantha actually confessed to me how for years she had tried to push aside her feelings for, me yet she was unsuccessful in her quest.

She wasn't kidding about the years part, my god that woman put me through an emotional wringer more times than I could count and I believe me I did count the ways to find an approach to finally win her heart. So many times though those plans blew up in my face horribly.

What is it they say about the best laid plans of mice and men? I need to think about it for a moment. Ah yes, they often go awry. And all my grandiose plans of winning Samantha's heart could unravel faster than pulling an errant string out of a treasured crocheted afghan made by some sweet old lady, preferably a kindly old grandmother who loves you no matter what foolish things you do in life.

The words Samantha told me of how she was being selfish, yet her unwillingness to cut me loose was her mind's way of trying to save her from making a huge mistake by letting me go once and for all. She even said she thought there was some small part of herself that was trying to save her from making those mistakes.

The thing that shocked me the most by her admission that day wasn't that she wanted to know if we still had a chance, rather it was she hadn't wanted to throw away me.

How could she believe I was worth holding onto? She should have run away that day as well.

Yet her soliloquy was something I had longed to hear. I almost wondered if it was a dream because I had dreamed of her, of being with her from the moment our eyes met.

She spoke of being selfish that day, but in reality it was I who was the selfish one. I wanted her, needed her, would have done anything to be with her and to hear those words of hope coming from her instead of me trying to profess them to her was something I clung to like a drowning man would cling to a life preserver.

If she had been smart that day, she would have thrown me away and never looked back. If I had been smart, I would have told her no, it was way too late for us.

But then again when had I ever been smart when it came to Samantha Gene Brady and vice versa?

Never apparently seems to be the resounding answer for both of us.

Right now though I have to make this incessant nightmare I seem to be having go away. I haven't lost Samantha, I just need to get up from this bed and go find her.

I will find her today. I am sure of it.