Quietus

Chapter 12

Time is taking on a strange dimension for me. I'm so befuddled; nothing is making much sense to me anymore. The last thing I remembered was helplessly watching Samantha run out the door of St. Luke's chapel. At least I had enough sense to realize if I went after her, she wasn't going to listen to a damn word I say.

Not that she took my advice much anyway those days, but now...

Then I think what the hell is now? Is it what is happening to me at the present time or something else entirely?

I try to be positive as I think to myself; I can get through to her. I just need to keep being here, (there, wherever?) proving to her even through the darkest hours of our lives, I am the one who will not abandon her.

The tiredness overcame me once again. I've got to take some vitamins or something to keep my flagging energy level up. In that moment though, I have some kind of epiphany this could a bad strain of the flu I've caught, one that is making me have weird dreams and visions.

That's it; I've diagnosed myself perfectly without Alexandra's help. Just thinking of my sweet sister though instantly makes me feel saddened. I miss her terribly. This must be why I dreamt of her earlier.

I'll wake up soon enough and share with Samantha this crazy dream I've had while I was overcoming a nasty flu bug.

Note to self: I will not chicken out like I have before and take the freaking flu shot when it is being administered to the staff at DiMera Enterprises.

Not that I'm scared of shots, but let's admit it, they hurt like Hades.

While contemplating the validity of taking the flu shot, I awaken. I suddenly realize I'm not in our bedroom, nor any other room in the DiMera mansion. This bed isn't comfortable and when I open my eyes I see a hospital room. I try to sit up, but I can't move my legs.

No, no, no!

I try to keep the sudden panic that immediately rises within me as I reach for the IV that has been inserted in my left hand. I have to take this out of me. I don't need a fucking IV!

What I need is to be able to feel anything below my waist, which at the moment isn't happening. Ripping the IV out of my arm instantly brings about a stabbing pain. I manage not to cry out for help because I sure as hell don't want anyone to see me in this type of condition!

I don't want to be here. Why in god's name would I find myself back at one of the lowest points in my life? That is really saying something because while I have experienced some fantastic highs, this has to be one of the worst lows I've ever experienced.

I shut my eyes, willing this unwanted vision away. I even utter some kind of feeble prayer beseeching a higher power to release me, but instead of a swift transportation to anywhere else then where I am, all that happens is when I open my eyes is the defeating realization that I'm still stuck in this fucking hospital room.

I look over to the portable tray, located at the side of my bed and see a floral arrangement of exotic orchids. I don't even take the time to admire their fragile beauty; no I do something childish instead. I grab the base of the glass vase and fling it as hard as I possibly can with my upper body strength to the door.

The noise of the glass breaking must have been loud enough to garner some attention from beyond my hospital room since I hear her voice, one that sounds extremely alarmed as she enters the hospital room.

"EJ! What are you doing?" Samantha asks; the fright apparent in her tone as she rushes to be by me, sidestepping the messy conglomeration of broken shards of glass, water and orchids.

I refuse to answer or look at her. I'm so furious with my current situation that I'm having a difficult time trying to breathe properly.

Is this what a fucking panic attack feels like? If so, I do not like it at all!

Samantha tries to reach for my left hand, which is of course bleeding after I yanked out the unneeded IV from it, but I snatch it back away from her as soon as she touches me.

Then she attempts to make light of the situation by stating, "I thought I was the only one capable of throwing vases of flowers around."

I am not amused by this one bit. Instead I voice a request to her, hoping she will heed me. "Go away Samantha."

"No!" she is resolute in her answer and when I raise my eyes to look at her I can tell she isn't going anywhere. Her stance is one of complete obstinacy.

Of course why would she ever do what I ask of her to do?

I try again; hoping this time it will sink in. "I do not want or need you here, not while I'm...I'm..."

Damn my words trail off as I attempt to vocalize my feelings of abject helplessness because what if this is where I have to stay from now on?

"I'm your wife," is her soft reply as she holds up her left hand to reveal a set of rings I bought her a long time ago. Yet again, these are not the new ones he had bought her, the ones that symbolized their new start in life together.

While he wanted her to be his wife, he didn't want it like this having Samantha proving she would stay with him out of some kind of misguided obligation. He can't stand the fact that she is playing on his sympathy, making him believe there is a chance for them when he knows for sure that there isn't one.

She sits down on the bed, but EJ can't feel her sidling up against him and it makes him want to wail out about the injustices of life. Instead of breaking down in front of her he tried to take another approach to make her go.

He reaches out to touch her hair, to feel its silken tresses within his fingers as he tells himself he only wants to touch her for a moment before he asks her to leave. He is surprised she is letting him run his fingers through her hair. He lets his hand stop to rest within the mass of golden blonde hair to feel her scalp. "I'm not your husband in here."

He regretfully removes his hand from her hair to replace it at her heart, the sudden movement from one place to another on her body makes her inhale swiftly from him being so close to her, yet she doesn't pull away or say anything, at least not until he has spoken once more. "More importantly I'm not your husband in here."

She starts to refute his claim and turns her eyes to him, but when their eyes meet one another she loses her train of thought.

He drops his hand from her, "I want you to go. Please go."

She doesn't argue this time, only reaches for her pocketbook she had brought with her to pull out a picture of Johnny and lays it on top of his lap. "This is a reminder of what you need to fight for, to not give up. Think of your son instead of pitying yourself. He needs his father!"

EJ flips over the picture, "Maybe you would all be better off without me causing chaos in your lives. That way none of you would ever be in harm's way. This isn't the life I want."

Her blue eyes flash with anger, "Don't you dare give up on me, on us, on our family!"

"Why? You've told me yourself you don't love me."

Before she can argue against him he takes the liberty to reach out to grab the chain he knows for certain she will be wearing and pulls out the necklace that houses the wedding rings Lucas had given her.

Sami tries to wrench the chain away from his grasp, "This isn't what you think."

EJ toys with the rings between his fingers which only causes her to come closer to him, "No? Aren't these the wedding rings another man has given you? Lucas Horton?"

Sami raises her eyebrows in momentary confusion, "Horton?"

"Don't play dumb with me. Roberts? Horton? Whatever he calls himself these days. You are wearing his rings around your neck as a testament to your undying love for him."

"I had to divorce Lucas to marry you."

"Get an annulment; we haven't consummated the marriage yet. That way you can go back to the supposed love of your life."

And maybe that way you won't be hurt later on by some crazed hillbilly gansta wanna be who will shoot you to hurt me.

"You will not tell me what to do! We're married because we wanted to end this damn vendetta between our families so that our children won't have to grow up under the threat of Stefano thirst for revenge against the Brady's!" She yanks at the necklace hard enough to break the chain and throws it in the direction of where I had thrown the vase of flowers, the rings clattering on the floor as they hit the unyielding surface.

I have to admit that gave me a moment's pause, Samantha had definitely not done that the first go round, but in spite of this gesture she was showing to him, he still wanted her gone. Being paralyzed below the waist wasn't the kind of man he wanted to be for her, for their children, which kind of surprised him that she had said children in passing before she had slung off her necklace across the room.

If Samantha left for good now EJ knew for a certainty she would be alive and well in the future and he loved her enough to let her go even if it broke his heart that Sydney would never come into existence if Samantha did what he was about to ask her to do. He began to lie to her. "Look I don't want you here. If I could feel my fucking legs right now I'd leave the room instead. Can't you see this is your chance to be rid of me? You can have a good life without me in it. Take it please!"

Oh but that streak of stubborn pride arose within her from his words. She shook her head and settled back more comfortable on the bed beside him, pulling him into an embrace that for the life of him he couldn't find the strength to resist.

Her voice was calm as she tightened her hold on him. "If you want to die, you have to do it right here in my arms. I'm not going anywhere."

If only that were true... EJ thought forlornly as he closed his eyes hoping to stop the overwhelming urge to cry when he felt her press her lips to his cheek.

Then once again the darkness overtook him...