Killua could call him soft or effeminate all he liked, but Kurapika's a determined man and nothing Gon managed to prattle out could get him off this wild ride of an idea.

"That is literally the worst idea I've ever heard anyone have." He deadpans, a cold feeling sinking through his heart while thinking of all the possible ways he'll embarrass the two of them when out in public together.

Kurapika laughs and grabs his hand, then pulls him off the bed until Gon tumbles into his arms. "Come on, it'll be fun, we're heading to York New City right after this town right?"

Flares are going off in his head that this is too much contact. At any moment Kurapika will slide away and mumble something about his physical build and features, but it doesn't happen. For the sake of the moment, he bites back sarcasm in favor of mumbling, "I guess." York New City is a usual blip on the performance map. A yearly thing where they head there, perform their best and most shocking performances, including something special and unique by Hisoka every year.

Did a year already speed right by him without noticing? Last he remembers he was storming out of the tent after one of Hisoka's performances where he swears the bastard winked at him. After a while the towns sort of blurred together into performance stops and the city names become countdowns to the next days of travel.

"Gon, come on- I don't know..." Kurapika looks off to the slide, teeth pressing into his lip. A part of Gon wants to kiss the unhappiness off his face because he's the cause of it. Out of everyone Kurapika deserves unhappiness least of all, he deserved giant stuffed bears, sugary sweets and cuddles. The rest of him is still freaking out over the level of physical contact. Their chests are two inches from pressing against each other and the sheer level of casual ignorance Kurapika shows is disturbing. Like walking past a seven man orgy in the middle of the street in broad daylight and watching everyone else ignore it outright.

"I'm not - okay, whew how to put this?" Kurapika's arms droop to his side, he lowers his head. The gears are turning, Gon can almost hear how Kurapika will explain why this date isn't a stupid idea and ignore all evidence to the contrary. Then Kurapika slaps himself on the forehead with a mumble of 'duh', Gon tries to keep his heart from giving out. "I want to take you out on a date because I want you to know how precious you are. Because, no offense to you, I love you, I do, but you treat yourself like shit."

"It's not that I don't want to its just that I don't think its a good idea." He shrugs, because where would they go in a huge place like York New City? A fancy place with fountains and expensive foods he doesn't have the palate for so he can be twice as much of a country hick then normal?

"Why not, what could happen?"

"Why would you want to go out in public, outside the circus, with me?"

Kurapika makes the most aggravated sound a human can manage to make and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Why do you think you're worthless? Who made you think that, who taught you to treat yourself like this?"

Gon snickers, scratching his elbow. He half considers being the smart-ass he so enjoys being and giving him a detailed list, he should given he's asking all the right questions. He bites his lip and shakes his head, "No."

"No?"

"Minefield, let's not." Yes, please, let's not travel into that emotional minefield right now.

"No, let's. Because I can't just watch you hurt yourself."

"I'm fine," He flashes his wrists, begrudgingly. "I'm doing better than some others, trust me."

"You don't have to-" Kurapika takes a deep breath and rubs his forehead. "You don't have to slit your wrists or cut yourself to self-harm, you're letting yourself rot in here, I mean," Kurapika sucks his teeth and snatches a pair of shorts on the floor between two fingers, cringing. He tosses them into his lap.

"It's fine, I'm not like, getting sick or-"

"Gon, look me in my face and tell me you wouldn't mind me living like this."

He gets a couple false starts but can't force anything out. A pang of anger blossoms in him, seeing the trailer in a new, wretched light. A stagnant pool of stale clothes in the middle of the floor, the messy and overflowing pile of dishes, the layer of dust conquering the walls. If Kurapika was living like this, Gon would never, ever stood by and watched it happen - hell, when he saw the outside of Kurapika's trailer he was ready to hurt someone. If the inside resembled his trailer, he would've gotten out the vacuum cleaner and the duster and got to work himself.

"Now, the silence tells me you know this is wrong, you know this is bad and you know you can stop it. You don't want to. The question is; why? Mainly, why do you think you deserve a lesser lot in life-"

"No, I'm not living above my means-"

"So you don't deserve better than this?"

"What is your problem and why does my lifestyle concern you?" Gon blurts out in a spike of rage from his aching chest. "Why are you standing here, judging me, trying to make me feel worse about all this? I've tried to be some happy, mindless little ball of light that floats around the world having no problems." He slinks back, not outright calm but deflating until he's resting, arms spread out on the bed and staring at the ceiling.

He feels Kurapika's hand wet against his cheek. "Gon. Gon talk."

He blinks away the tears. "I want burgers."

"Huh?"

"When we go on the date, I want burgers; Nice ones with real meat and pickles, I miss pickles, I haven't been eating a lot of veggies. I'm surprised my teeth haven't rotted out." The giggling isn't appropriate, but when has social convention stopped him from doing strange things before?

"Oh, okay." Kurapika whispers, the minutes pass on with easy fingers wiping at his wet cheeks with more delicate attentiveness then anyone should be allowed to show. A nebulous thing bubbles up in the pit of his stomach and there's no shame in the sobbing, only hazy contentment. There's a zoo too, if you want we can go there while they set up the show, since it isn't a same day performance."

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"You want to talk?"

"No, not really."

"Okay."

Kurapika kisses his cheek and the minutes fade on into allowing a warm, blooming feeling flood the pit of his stomach until everything is okay again. Feeling bad about crying might be the right thing to do, surely Kurapika doesn't want to sit here and baby him but for now, he doesn't want that welling warmth to leave. For once in a long, long time, it's okay.

Kurapika kisses him on his cheek and leaves for lights out, but it's okay because the feeling stays behind and he gets up, wondering where he left that vacuum cleaner and room spray. The place is in worse shape then he thought, nothing beyond elbow grease though. He gets all his dirty clothes off the floor, shifts some of the dust off the walls and freshens the place up before slipping into thin shorts, a black tube top and calling it a night.

The night eases into day while he falls asleep, the last waking moments spent with his heart easing in thought of his future date, with Kurapika no less. The thought of that on its own is amazing and for once he's looking forward to it, thinking of it now how could he mess this date up - it's grabbing burgers and spending time together walking through York New, how hard would it be? If he doesn't freak out, he'll be fine.

He wakes up at midday, the driver's got the trailer moving and they're on the road to York New. From his window he can see the long lines of trailers both ahead of him and behind him on the long, winding concrete road. He squints, Kurapika's fresh, cleaned trailer towards the back. Next time, he'll needs to catch a ride with him, in the past he had no problem with it but staying in the trailer alone and awake is boring. Nothing to do besides straighten up the place so it's at least more livable.

The evening approaches and paints the skies in orange and purple hues, the trailers find a clearing surrounded by trees on the side of the road and park in a circle for the night. Drivers need sleep and he needs to get out and stretch his legs before he loses his mind, he goes barefoot into the grass and slumps to the ground with a heaving breath. It's still wet with morning dew, the cold is enough to bring him back to himself, enough to remind him of who he is, where he is and that has done nothing to chase everyone away yet.

The moon shows its face, he's been outside for some time now but he can't find it in him to head back in. Hermit or not, he's a wild child, he plays with bears and tigers for fun, he can't spend the whole day inside doing nothing.

Kurapika's trailer is across the lot and the lights are on but he doesn't want to burst in and drown Kurapika in his presence, they've already got a date set up. No reason to force even more contact. No other option then to head into the forest, feeling more welcome there then at any other trailer in the lot, including his own. The canopy is so thick, the moonlight can't penetrate it and he can't see anything ahead of him but this isn't a date. This is familiar, at least he has experience in being lost and alone in the dark.

He feels around the damp bark of the trees, gets as far into the overhanging umbrella of trees as he can and finds a rotted out tree large enough to slip into. How many years had he spent in this circus and Kurapika was the closest thing he's had to a friend or companion, what is his problem?

He makes himself at home, resting his head against a sprout growing from the decay and watches the stars pass overhead, falling asleep would be a stupid move given he must head back to the circus at dawn. At least five years of his life spent doing nothing, performing with the trope and heading from town to town never putting down anything permanent or sticking in his life.

And as if on cue Kurapika made that all blindingly obvious by loving him. He ignores the wet feeling on his cheeks, chalks it up to loose rainwater.

An outstretched nailed hand appears in the light of the moon and dives towards him, his heart leaps to his throat and he ducks under the open hole of the tree. He scrambles out, slips on one of the revealed roots with fungi sticking to his heel. He whirls around and Hisoka is standing there, hand on hip and smiling ear to ear. "I haven't seen you in quite some time and look at that, you've grown up, haven't you? I can tell you have, so much quicker to run from anything that scares you now."

"Trust me, that's learned behavior, what do you want?" Hisoka stands right in the path he needs to run to get back to the center of the trailers, if he can find a way past he'll dart into his trailer and Hisoka won't be able to catch him. He can lock the door and return to the illusion that Hisoka can't get in and he's safe.

"My, so aggressive, I was just heading out for a nightly stroll and all of a sudden you come out of nowhere and attack me like that~ ." Hisoka feigns a clutch at his heart and tumbles back against a tree. "Gon, I've missed you, I came out here to see you."

"You saw me leave then followed me out here to get with me alone." Nothing but the clothes on his back and, if worse gets down to the absolute worse, his voice to defend himself with. What's the chance his fellow performers would hear his screams much less pay attention and investigate to protect him.

"Only because I missed you oh so dearly, that and Illumi's let me in on some terrible news. I tried to fight it but, sadly, no avail. We'll be heading around the country side for longer then we thought, we have a few more days til York New, pit stops and one nighters." Hisoka flicks his hand with a groan. He never took well to one night of performances, it meant he never got to show 'his real, raw talent to a deserving audience' he says. Either that, or he's making an allusion to sex again. Reading Hisoka is like reading the Ulysses; he's tried and made a good, valiant effort but all he's left with is a pounding headache and a reminder he's an idiot.

Either way, that means no big city date for a while. "And you couldn't wait until tomorrow to tell me." Gon scratches his hands through his hair, he knows his mental state and he knows when he's in a place of flux, today he was riding a damn good high. He could've totally made it through a date with Kurapika without embarrassing himself but he doesn't know how thin his patience and will to be happy will be tomorrow.

"It wouldn't make a difference anyway, now would it?" Hisoka strolls past him without another word. This time he makes sure he's facing him the whole time until Hisoka is out of sight, then he runs back to his trailer for the night.