Thank you for my reviews and follows/favs! Especially to lovecamedown! Thanks for the helpful feedback! I hope you enjoy this next chapter! ~ Katie

Tara

So that was it. His dad abandoning him, his mom dying, his brother leaving him to fend for himself, her not accepting him for who he was, for unintentionally bringing back all those painful memories. It was too much. How could she have been so thoughtless? Maybe she hadn't known all the details, but she knew his dad was a sore subject and she just plowed ahead anyway, not considering how it would make Christian feel. No wonder he had dumped her for Kat. Kat always knew the perfect thing to say or do. She was so cool and never worried what people thought about her. Tara thought too much. It was all she ever did. It was hard for her to live in the moment and just be happy. There was always something to fix. Or someone.

Hit with this realization, her breath caught in her throat and the tears started to flow again. Not angry ones like before, but sad ones. It was her fault. He had loved her and she had thrown it all away simply because she couldn't leave well enough alone! If only she could have stopped herself, resisted the urge to control everything and everyone… things might have turned out differently. This time it was her turn to say it.

"I'm sorry," she murmured softly.

"For what?" Christian asked, a look of confusion on his face.

"For trying to fix you, change you. For seeing you as a project and not as a person. For putting everything ahead of us, not taking the time to be there for you when you needed it… like Kat was. It's all my fault. It was always my fault! If I could have just let it be and enjoyed the time I had with you, maybe we would still be together! I ruined everything!"

"Hey, come here," Christian said softly, and she immediately melted into him.

He held her tightly and ran his fingers through her hair as she sobbed quietly into his chest. She wrapped her arms around him, savoring his warmth. When he held her like this, she felt safe, protected from every bad thing that had happened this year. She wasn't sure how long they stood there, but she didn't care. She didn't want to let go and hoped he didn't either. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. Now that she was in his arms, his scent was even more intense than before. It made her think of all the good times: learning to trust each other in pas de deux, kissing on the beach after playing cricket and then again on the ferry, spending the summer with him on the farm, falling in love. It made all the bad times seem so far away, almost as if they didn't happen.

"Tara, what happened wasn't your fault. You were only trying to help me. Yeah sure, maybe you went about it in the wrong way, but it came from your heart, like everything you do." He pulled back, smiling slightly, and moved his hands up to hold her face, wiping away her tears with his thumbs.

Then his expression became serious and, looking deep into her eyes, he said, "I should have understood that you weren't doing it to hurt me. I overreacted but by the time I realized that, it was too late. I'm so sorry about Kat. It all happened so fast. One minute she was sitting down and the next thing I knew I was kissing her. When she stopped it, I couldn't believe what I had done! Part of me wanted to take it back, but the other part, the selfish part, didn't because it felt good to be that close to someone. I was upset about our fight in the club and I took advantage of the situation. I wanted to tell you, but we were already so on edge, I didn't want to make it worse. That's why I broke up with you in the studio and why I snapped at you at the hospital. I felt so guilty and I didn't know how to act around you."

She let his words sink in, trying to process everything he said. It was a bit overwhelming. Going from not talking at all to information overload. It made her a little dizzy, but she was glad that he had said it, that he was finally opening up to her. This was just what they needed to get back to the way things were. It gave her hope that he felt the same way she did. She reached up and placed her hands on his arms. His hands still cupped her face and she reveled in their warmth.

"Thank you for telling me everything. It means a lot to me. If only we had done this sooner." She laughed nervously and he gave her his trademark smirk. "It's not your fault either. You can't blame yourself for all the bad stuff that has happened to you. You weren't the reason your dad left or why your mom got sick. We don't always understand why things happen the way they do. And Sammy… he wouldn't want you to be so sad. He wouldn't blame you for what happened. It was an accident." The reality of her friend being gone hurt just as much now as it had a week ago.

"I miss him so much. He was there for me through everything! He called me over and over when I broke my back, to see how I was doing. He convinced me to fight for my spot, to not let Saskia win. He is the reason I'm even here. He wouldn't let me give up! I keep thinking I'm going to turn around and he's going to be there. While I was dancing tonight, it felt like he was with me, helping me through it. It still hasn't sunk in that he's really gone, that I'll never see him again."

"I know," Christian answered, his voice was strained and low. "I want to think it's all been a dream and that eventually I'll wake up. It'll be the morning of the Prix and nothing bad has even happened… We were supposed to go for a run together. If I had gone with him, maybe things would have turned out differently. I could have helped him! He might still be alive! Instead…" He didn't finish his sentence. He didn't need to. Tara knew why he hadn't gone with Sammy. He had come to see her. To tell her something. Something that she had been wanting to hear ever since they had broken up.

"Christian, stop it! It's not your fault!" She repeated, hoping that hearing it again would make him believe it. "You can't change what happened. And who knows? If you had been with him, maybe you would have been hurt – or worse…"

Her voice trailed off and her eyes widened as she spoke these words. As much as it hurt to know that Sammy was gone, thinking that it could have been Christian hurt more. She felt a twinge of guilt run through her. Even though she loved Sammy, it wasn't the same as the love she had for Christian. The kind of love that dug deep into her stomach, a good kind of pain that made everything else seem insignificant and meaningless. As though they were the only two people and no one else existed. That was how it had been – on the farm and during the beginning of the year – and living in a world without him, where she was alive and he wasn't… well, she didn't want to think about it. It hurt too much. Just trying to imagine it made her heart ache.

"As painful as losing Sammy has been, being without you would be even harder. Maybe it's wrong to say this, but I'm glad that you're weren't with him. If I had lost you too, I don't know what I would have done! What any of us would have done!" She added the last part because she didn't want to declare her feelings too soon. She still didn't know how he felt. Maybe it was silly, but she knew what it was like to be hurt by him, and she wanted to avoid feeling that way again. She could only hope that he wouldn't pick up on her momentary slip.

"Any of us, huh?" His eyes narrowed and his grip on her face tightened slightly. She could feel her cheeks reddening and she lowered her eyes, desperately trying to avoid his perceptive stare. Of course he could see right through her. She had never been a very good liar. Her heart pounded in her chest as the heat in her cheeks spread through her body, warming her despite the cold night air.

"Uh-huh." Her voice was shaky and she knew he wasn't fooled. She knew he could tell how nervous she was. She was glad he was still holding onto her because if he let go, she might not be able to stand on her own. She could feel her knees trembling, threatening to give way at any moment. She gripped his arms tighter, hoping it would somehow steady her.

"Tara… what's wrong?"

"N-nothing." She tried to meet his eyes, but she couldn't.

"Liar. I know you. I know when something's bothering you. This talking thing goes both ways. I had my turn and now it's yours. Please tell me what it is." His voice was gentle and reassuring. It gave her the courage she needed to open her mouth.

Mustering all the strength she could, she met his questioning stare. "It's just… I want you to know… I want to tell you how I feel but I'm afraid. After we broke up, it was like my world exploded. I know part of it was my fault but it hurt so much and what if you don't feel the same way? What if I tell you everything and it doesn't do any good? I know we had a moment in the dressing room, but I couldn't handle it if that's all it was! It's not enough! Surely, you must know… you have to see that!"

His eyes widened slightly and she could only hope that he understood what she was trying to tell him. How could he not? She had all but said it! If he knew her so well, why was he acting this way? Why was he making this so difficult? All she wanted was for him to hold her in his arms and kiss her like he used to- like she was the most important person in the world, as if no one else mattered. It had made her feel complete and she needed to feel that way again. He held her stare and she could see the wheels turning in his head, processing everything she had said. Kiss me! Just kiss me Christian! She begged silently. His silence was torture. How long was he going to make her wait?

And just when she thought he wouldn't, he leaned in slowly, a knowing smirk on his face, and kissed her.