Tara

She leaned into him as they walked in companionable silence back to the dorm. It felt nice to have his arm around her, his body shielding her from the cool night air. She had so many questions but she didn't want to break the silence. She didn't want to burst the magic bubble they had created.

She couldn't believe that watching her splint Charlie's leg was what had made him fall head over heels! She didn't even remember much of what had happened! It was a blur. One minute she was laughing and joking with Christian and the next she was scaling down the side of the ledge. Almost as if she wasn't in control of her own body. She had gone into rescue mode. Charlie was all that had mattered. He was easily her favorite cousin and if anything had happened to him, she would never have forgiven herself. Like she had told Christian, she did what needed to be done.

Besides, so much had happened last summer! Things that should be more memorable than breaking branches off a tree! They had gotten back together after all! They hadn't made it official until the last week of the summer, but until then it had been understood. They had been so comfortable with each other that it was easy to fall back into the hand-holding and the closeness that followed. It felt so natural, like they had never been apart.

The farm had a way of doing that. Putting you at ease, making you forget all the problems in your life. It was like, once you passed through the gate, a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders. You weren't in the real world anymore, but somewhere else. Almost like a dreamland. Nothing bad could happen, you were safe and secure, protected. She felt it every time she came home, and she could tell Christian had felt it too. She could see how different he was. How he talked and laughed way more than when they were at school. How he carried himself, like he didn't have a care in the world. He was free.

Remembering how he had been on the farm, she smiled and wrapped her arm around his back. She breathed in deeply and wished they were there right now. On that same hill where they had danced on the last day of their holiday. It had been perfect. She could smell the grass and feel the sun on her face, remembering how much she loved dancing with him, how much she loved him.

So much had happened since then. Their break-up, her injury, fighting with Kat, Grace and all her games, Sammy's accident. It was hard to wrap her head around it. She was only seventeen but she felt so much older! Like she had lived ten lives already! Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think she would have experienced all that she had since coming to the academy! She couldn't believe the year was over. She had thought it would never end, but looking back now, she realized how quickly it had gone. Granted, she had spent almost two months away because of her injury and expulsion.

Thinking about that part of the year was still hard for her. Being told she couldn't dance, exiled from the place where she finally felt like she belonged. That was why, when she got home, she had closed herself off from everyone.

It was the only time that the farm hadn't been a safe haven for her. In that moment, all it felt like was a cage, keeping her from following her dream, shutting her out from the rest of the world instead of sheltering her from it. Being there was a constant reminder of all that she had lost, how far she had fallen. So she had shut down because feeling empty, feeling nothing was easier than feeling the pain – of missing her friends, missing Christian. She had felt so betrayed. She didn't hate them, but she didn't want to talk to them either. Well, she had wanted to talk to Christian, but he never called. She wanted him to so much, but he had stayed silent, making it that much harder to deal with everything that was going on. If only he had called, if only he had talked to her, then maybe it would all have been easier to bear.

When she finally did come back to the academy, it was as if the world had shifted. It felt good to be able to dance again, but it wasn't the same. Walking through the hallways didn't give her the same sense of security it had before. It was like she was starting all over again, a timid first year, with no real life experience. She felt as though she was walking on eggshells around everyone, especially Kat and Christian, and they were doing the same.

She knew it had been childish not to confront them and talk things out but they hadn't talked to her. Well, Kat had tried but she really didn't want to hear it. She was afraid to hear what her friend had to say because it would only remind her of what had happened. That Christian had chosen Kat over her, that he didn't love her anymore, that it was over. She wasn't ready for that. She had still loved him so much and knowing he wanted to be with someone else, especially her best friend, hurt more than she wanted to admit.

How could he just push her aside so easily? She knew he hadn't meant to hurt her but it still hurt! She wanted him to be happy but she was still heartbroken! But what could she do? Keep bothering him until he had no other choice than to talk to her? She hadn't been brave enough to do that. She was still adjusting, getting back into the swing of things. People were already talking about her controversial return and she didn't want any extra attention.

It was hard to forget the loneliness she felt during those first couple of weeks. Even though she had Grace and Sammy, it was not having Kat that made it so hard. Seeing her but not having the courage to be around her. Not having the strength to swallow her pride and actually listen to what Kat had to say. She had been so hurt that she thought blaming Kat would give her some sort of comfort, a way of knowing that she was right, justified in believing that she was the victim. She hadn't thought about how ending their friendship would make Kat feel. She had only been thinking of herself. When she finally did reconcile with Kat, she was so happy. She couldn't believe it had taken something as silly as a trapeze ride to make her realize that their friendship was more important than fighting over a boy.

The same boy who just happened to be walking right next to her now. What was that saying about letting someone go? That if it was meant to be, that person would come back to you. Well here he was. And he had told her he loved her. And he had kissed her. And she had kissed him. And she told him she loved him. But what was next? Where did they go from here? By some twist of fate, they had been given a second chance. To start over, to make things right. But what did that mean? What was it going to take? Sure they had cleared the air a little, gotten some things out in the open. She felt a lot better than before. But it wasn't enough. She needed more. Full disclosure.

The questions from before were still buzzing around in her head. As much as she tried to push them aside, they wouldn't budge. She had to know what he had meant before. She had a pretty good idea, and was glad when he had played along, but she needed to know for sure. They had been apart for so long that even if they were together now, they were basically starting from scratch. They were such different people than they had been at the beginning of the year. So much had changed. Maybe at some point they could think about more, but they needed to be friends again first. They were getting there, but they still had a very long way to go.

Bracing herself for impact, she stopped walking. He stopped too and looked at her curiously. Clenching her fists nervously, she whispered, "What did you mean earlier?"

"About what?"

"About… you know…"

"I do?" He narrowed his eyes and for once she couldn't tell if he was teasing or being serious.

He had to know what she meant! Was he really going to make her say it? Just the thought of saying it out loud made her cheeks flush and her heart race! It was so hard for her to talk about because it was something she knew nothing about. She knew he did, that he had been with girls in the past, which only made it more embarrassing. She tried to gather her thoughts, to decide how to word it. It was going to be painful no matter how she said it.

"What did you want before that was quite obvious?"

A look of realization flashed across his face. "Oh that… look Tara, we don't have to talk about that-"

"Why not? We're talking about everything else! Besides you started it! And now I can't get it out of my head! It's all I can think about!"

"Really? Why?"

"Why do you think? This is the closest we've been in such a long time! I can't help it."

"Does that mean-" he raised his eyebrows hopefully.

"I don't know what it means! My head is spinning! Tonight has been wonderful and I'm so happy that I'm here with you but… after the crazy year we've had, I'm not ready. We're not ready! I love you Christian and I want to be with you, but so much has happened. We've changed so much. We have to get to know each other again. I'm sorry but it's true. Are you angry?"

She held her breath as she waited for his response. She wouldn't blame him if he was angry but she hoped he wasn't. She needed him to understand where she was coming from. They had both been hurt and needed time to heal. Kat had just broken up with him and she was technically still with Ben.

Oh no Ben! What was she going to tell Ben? Surely he knew by now that she was with Christian. Kat must have told him that they were together. What was Ben going to say? Even though she didn't feel the same way for him as she did for Christian, she still cared about him. Just because she didn't want to be with him didn't mean she wanted to hurt him. He had been so good to her after she had broken up with Christian and when she came back to the academy. They became such good friends. He had been so sweet that she couldn't help falling for him. She needed him so much this year and he had been there for her. He had filled the emptiness that Christian had left behind. She had been in such a dark place and just like Sammy, he had pulled her back into the light. He made her so happy and she had wanted his positivity to rub off on her somehow.

When he had surprised her with the ice rink, she decided to give him a second chance. Even though he had used her during the Prix, even though he never seemed to say or do the right thing at the right time. He didn't deserve to be pushed aside.

And she had tried. To forget about Christian, to forget how much she loved him. She had tried to focus all her attention on Ben, to make him feel as special as he had made her feel. She tried to move on, to tell herself that it was for the best. Ben was good for her, they were good together. She was a better person for knowing him. But it wasn't enough. She could feel it, even before Kat and Christian had broken up, even before Sammy had died. As much as she wanted to make things work with Ben, she knew being with him would never to compare to when she was with Christian.

And now that she knew how Christian felt, what other choice did she have? Ben would always be special to her. She would always be grateful to him for all he had done for her. He had saved her, brought her back from the abyss. They had so much fun together and his friendship would always mean so much to her. She would never forget all the good times they had.

But no matter how much she tried to deny it, it would always be Christian. Tonight was proof of that. If it wasn't meant to be, they wouldn't be here. He would be with Kat, she would be with Ben and they wouldn't be walking back to the boarding house together. She wouldn't have chased after him, he wouldn't have waited for her and they wouldn't be entertaining thoughts of what could happen tonight.

"Of course I'm not angry! Why would you think that?" he asked, holding her hands in his. The gentleness in his voice calmed and reassured her. "I just want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. After everything we've been through this year, I get it. I don't want to force anything. We'll take it slow. All I want is to be with you."

Relief coursed through her and she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. He really meant it! "That's all I want too. I missed you so much. I never thought we would get a second chance but I'm so glad we did. It's just so overwhelming… It's not that I don't want to-"

"Tara, it's okay. I told you we don't have to talk about this right now," he said again. She could tell he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but she knew she couldn't avoid it any longer. She didn't want to. She was ready to lay everything out, leave nothing to the imagination.

"Yes we do! I want to be completely honest with you. We can't be together and not talk to each other. It won't work. And I want this to work. It's all I've dreamed about since we broke up! Losing you hurt so much and I don't think I could go through that again!"

He reached up to hold her face in his hands. "I'm so sorry Tara. For hurting you, for letting you down. I know I don't deserve a second chance. I know that there were times when I should have been there for you and I wasn't. But I'm here now. I screwed up so much this year, but I am going to do whatever I can to make it up to you. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you. I won't leave you again."

His hands were warm on her face and his words gave her hope. They were going to be okay, everything was going to work out. They were going to be together. Not knowing what to say or how to say it, she simply smiled and leaned in and kissed him, knowing that it would be enough.