Christian

When she kissed him, it all came flooding back. The first time he saw her, the first time he held her hand in pas de deux, Patrick's trust exercise, dancing in the park the night he had rescued her from the club and the conversation that followed.

Listening to her talk about the farm, the way she described it, it had been easy to imagine. Living in the middle of nowhere, being somewhat isolated from the rest of the world. But instead of feeling lost or alone, you were exactly where you wanted to be. It had made him want to see it for himself. To be in a place where he didn't have to worry about his past getting in the way.

And of course, their first kiss. There was no way he would ever forget that. It was one of the most incredible moments of his life! Lying in the sand, waiting for her to make the next move. The anticipation had been brutal but when she finally leaned towards him and their lips met, it was like nothing else he had ever experienced. He had kissed plenty of girls in the past but none of them had even come close to her.

She had taken him by surprise. A farm girl who was too smart for her own good. Who saw right through his cool, calm and collected exterior. Who knew what was really going on. He had been so jaded, so worn down from all the crap that he had been through! Not knowing his dad, hating him for leaving, for breaking his mom's heart. Feeling so helpless when she got sick, not being able to save her. She saw it all. His guilt, his pain. The walls he put up to hide how much losing his mom had hurt. She could see how broken he was and she had tried to fix him. Not because she thought he wasn't good enough but because she wanted to help, she wanted to make him better.

And all he had done was tear her apart. He had made her feel like she was nothing. As if what they had never mattered at all. Like he could just turn off his emotions and everything would be fine. Only it wasn't fine. It was miserable. He was miserable.

That's why he had waited on the steps. Why he told her that he still loved her and that he wouldn't leave her again. He knew he had said those words before – that he would always be there for her, that nothing would get in between them. But it had. So much had gotten in the way! He wasn't quite sure why she was giving him another chance. He definitely didn't deserve it. He had hurt her so many times before! But this time would be different. This time, he meant it. Nothing was getting in the way. He wouldn't let it.

Right on cue, his phone buzzed. He ignored it. Tara was way more important. He needed to be close to her right now. To reassure himself that this was really happening. That they were together. Maybe they weren't ready for the next step but that was okay. He just got her back and he didn't want to lose her again. Besides, kissing her was enough.

His phone buzzed again. He was getting annoyed. Why wouldn't everyone leave him alone? He just wanted to be with Tara! She must have heard it because she pulled back and asked, "Aren't you going to get that?" Raising her eyebrows slightly.

"Are you sure?" He couldn't help feeling a little disappointed.

"It's okay, I'm not going anywhere," she smiled reassuringly. She was enjoying this as much as he was.

"Um, okay…" He reached down into his pocket and looked at the screen quickly. He sighed and pushed the button to answer the call.

"What's up Raf? This really isn't a good time." What did he want now?

"Oh sorry… Ummm, well I just wanted to know if you had made up your mind about the Tazzy trip yet. I'm getting everything together and I need to know what to bring, you know, supply-wise. So what do you think?"

Damn! He had forgotten all about that! What was he going to do? He had wanted to go, to get away from the mess of breaking up with Kat, wrestling over his feelings for Tara, losing Sammy. It would have been an escape, a way to clear his head and not have to deal with the real world for a while. But now it felt more like a trap. He had just told her he wouldn't leave her and going on this trip would definitely break that promise.

"Uh, well, I'm still not sure. I need more time to think about it. I might want to stay in Sydney and take a class or two. You know, get a head start on next year."

"Oh right. Yeah, that's cool. No worries. Just, uh… let me know when you decide."

"I will. Bye Raf." Not waiting for him to say goodbye, he quickly hung up and stuffed his phone back in his pocket.

"What did Raf want?" She asked, eyeing him curiously.

"Nothing," he replied, trying to brush off her question.

"Really? Didn't sound like nothing." She didn't miss a thing. Why did she have to be so perceptive?

"Well it was so can you drop it!" He snapped, regretting his words as soon as they came out of his mouth.

"Okay sure, sorry."

"Tara…"

He saw the hurt in her eyes before she turned and walked across the street, sitting down on one of the benches. He had done it again. Taken all of his anger and frustration out on her. Pushed her away. Made her feel small and unimportant. He hadn't meant to. He was just freaking out! He didn't know how to tell her about the trip. He didn't want her to think he was going to just abandon her after he told her he wouldn't. That they had gotten back together only to have him leave.

He followed her and sat down next to her. She didn't look up at him, continuing to stare at her hands. She wasn't crying but he could see the sadness on her face. She was fighting it. He hated making her cry.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."

"Then why did you?"

"I don't know. It's just…" There was no easy way to say it so he took a deep breath in and prayed she wouldn't be too upset. "Raf asked me to go on a trip with him over the summer."

"Really? When?" She lifted her head and smiled, his harsh words supposedly forgotten.

"Right after Sammy died. I wanted to go before, to get away, but now…" He reached over and placed his hand on top of hers. "I don't know what to do."

"Christian that's great! Why didn't you tell me? Don't you want to go? Don't you want to spend time with him? Get to know him better?" Her enthusiasm hurt a little. He had thought she would be upset and instead she was practically pushing him out the door!

"Well, I guess but… what about us? Are you trying to get rid of me already?"

"Of course not! We're going to be fine Christian." She smiled and squeezed his hand tenderly. "We have plenty of time to be together. This is something that you need to do. He's your dad! You shouldn't ignore him! He's reaching out. He wouldn't be asking you to go with him if he didn't want you there."

"Really? You don't think he just feels guilty?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe a little. But if that's all it was, he would take you to lunch or something-"

"Lunch?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

She slapped his arm playfully. "You know what I mean! He wouldn't be making such an effort! This trip is a big deal to him. He's obviously trying to impress you. I know he's made mistakes. I know he hurt you but he's here now. Doesn't he deserve a second chance? Maybe you won't be best friends after, but there's a chance that you'll be able to have some sort of relationship with him. It's better to know for sure than always be wondering what if! Even if this trip just helps clear the air. It would still be worth it."

He knew she was right. He knew he needed to do this. He could feel it. But Tara… he didn't want to spend the whole summer away from her. He wanted to be with her! To go back to the farm and just be normal for a change.

"When did you get so good at giving advice Training Bra?" He smirked.

"Hey, I have my moments!"

"Are you sure? Because I don't have to. I can tell Raf no and we can be together, just like last summer."

"Yeah, I am. I want nothing more than to be with you this summer, but your dad is more important. We've taken care of us, and now you have to take care of him. Find closure or whatever you need to do. I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy when I'm with you. What will you do all summer without me?"

"I'll figure something out. And you could always visit… maybe after your trip? You could stay until school starts and come back with us."

"Us?" Surely she didn't mean Ben!

"Kat's going to stay for the summer. She decided not to go to Barcelona after all. Jealous?" He breathed a sigh of relief.

"You wish! Just don't go showing her any of our secret spots! Those stay between us!" He teased, pointing his finger at her.

"You mean there's more than one?" She batted her eyes innocently and shrugged her shoulders.

"You're hilarious!"

"I try… I'm going to miss you." She smiled and he reached over and hugged her tight.

"I'm going to miss you too. But we're not there yet. Raf's not planning to leave for another week or so. Could you stay here until then? We could spend some time together."

"Take a class or two?" She teased as she pulled back from his arms.

"I only said that to buy some more time! I wasn't ready to give him an answer."

"And now?"

"Still not ready, but I know I should. You're right. We need to work out our issues."

"I'm sorry, can you say that again? I didn't hear you," she said dramatically, cupping her hand behind her ear.

"Haha… You were right, okay? Happy now?"

"Very." She yawned and leaned her head against his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arm around her.

After sitting there for a few more minutes, her head started to feel heavy and he knew she was falling asleep. "Okay let's get you to bed before I have to carry you."

"It's ok, I'm fine." She lifted her head, trying to stay awake.

"Nope, not buying it. Let's go." He stood up and held out his hand. She took it and they walked up through the park. As they passed under the bridge, he couldn't help but think of when they had danced here during first year. Even though he had liked her then, he never would have imagined that he would fall in love with her! She was the exact opposite of everything he thought he would want. But now he couldn't imagine his life without her. It was like what she had said earlier. A puzzle piece. An empty space. Something he didn't know he was missing. When they got to the spot where they had danced last year, he stopped.

Looking down at her, he asked, "Do you remember this place?"

"Of course I do! We came here the night you rescued me at the club! We raced from the street-"

"And I beat you even though you cheated!"

"Yeah yeah… And then we danced…" Her voice trailed off.

"Still there Training Bra?" He smirked and waved his hand in front of her face.

"Yeah. Just remembering. I was so annoyed at Kat! She had dragged me out with her jerk of a boyfriend and then left me waiting outside all night! I didn't even want to be there in the first place. When I saw you walking up the steps, I was so happy! Something was finally going right! And when we danced, it was like the rest of the world faded away. It was perfect. It made all my frustration disappear. It was exactly what I needed… And then you tried to kiss me! Do you remember that?"

"How could I forget? It was all I could think about that night! Walking so close to you, fighting the urge to reach out and hold your hand. You were lucky I waited that long to make a move. Not that it did any good. You shot me down pretty fast!"

"Well what did you expect? I had a boyfriend!"

"That doesn't mean you didn't want to kiss me. Don't try to deny it!"

"I don't know what you're talking about! Ethan was a great kisser!"

"Doesn't mean anything Training Bra! Just admit that you thought about it!"

"Nope!"

"Liar! If you didn't want to kiss me, then why did you? That day on the beach when we were looking for Petra's dog? Why then and not before?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I guess I just wanted to know what it would be like. Part of me thought nothing could be better than kissing Ethan, but the other part was curious because I had nothing to compare it to. Would it feel the same or different?"

She paused and then looked down, as if she was ashamed to admit it. "You're right. I did think about it that night in the park and I got scared." She lifted her eyes to meet his. "What if it was better? What if what I had with Ethan wasn't as special as I thought? After fighting so hard to be with him, what would have been the point? Of my crush? Liking him in the first place? Battling back and forth over whether he liked me or not! Trying to find the meaning in every word or glance or touch! What if the idea of him was better than the reality? What if he wasn't perfect? What if I wanted something different? Something more? I wanted to stay in my safe little bubble. I didn't want to have to think about the possibility of that."

His head was spinning. How could one person think of all that in a matter of moments? It didn't make any sense. Well, maybe a little. She had built up the idea of Ethan for so long that it must have been strange to think that there could be anything better. Wasn't that the whole basis of a crush? The ultimate fantasy. Prince Charming and all that came with it. And then to have that image blown apart by someone like him…

"What was it like? Kissing me?" He had to ask. He needed to know if it had been as amazing for her as it had been for him.

"Scary, confusing… wonderful. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. Nothing made sense but everything made sense. I wasn't in control but at the same time I was. I felt like I could just fall apart right there. Like my skin was the only thing holding me together. What about you?"

"Well, you know, it was alright." He smirked, shrugging his shoulders. He was relieved that he got the answer he was looking for but the thought of telling her his side of things made him nervous.

"You're being mean again!" She exclaimed, poking him in the ribs.

"Fine! It was the best kiss ever! Happy?" He smirked.

"Still mean! Be serious! I answered your question seriously!"

She walked away from him. He knew she wasn't really mad, but she was right. She had told him how she really felt. Why was he so afraid to tell her the truth? They had already told each other so much tonight that this wasn't going to come as much of a shock. She had to know! How could it not be amazing? She wasn't like any other girl he had ever been with! She had turned his world upside down! She had been as much of a surprise to him as he had been to her! Someone he never expected…

She was leaning against a tree as he walked up behind her. She turned as he got closer, crossed her arms and arched her eyebrows.

"Well?"

He reached up and placed his hands on her shoulders. He took his time, trying to figure out the best way to say it. It was hard to put his feelings into words because he didn't fully understand them himself.

"Tara… kissing you was like… I don't know how to describe it…"

"Use your words," she teased lightly.

"It was like everything fell into place. Everything made sense. No one else existed. There was nowhere else I wanted to be."

She inhaled sharply and he could see the disbelief in her eyes. Why couldn't she see how incredible she was? She had gone on and on about how special he was but she didn't believe the same about herself.

"It's true Tara. I've never felt this way about anyone. Even when I was angry at you, even after we broke up. It has always been you. You gave me so much to look forward to and hope for. No one has ever meant as much to me as you do."

"Not even Kat?" She asked doubtfully.

"No… I thought she did. I thought being with her would solve everything. Of course I care about her, but it's not the same. It never was. I was so unfair to you, to both of you! I made such a mess of things-"

"Christian stop!" She interrupted, wrapping her arms tightly around him. "We don't need to keep talking about this! We've both made mistakes. Look at me! I knew you didn't want to see your dad and I should have respected your wishes. I wasn't thinking about how it would make you feel. You were hurting and instead of being there for you, asking you what you wanted, I decided for you. But what's done is done. We can't keep feeling sorry for ourselves or blaming ourselves for what happened in the past. None of it matters now. What matters is how we feel about each other. I love you Christian and I don't want anything to get in the way of that. Even if it means that you'll be gone all summer."

She had said it again. That she loved him. It never got old. He wrapped his arms around her and leaned in and kissed her, welcoming the familiar warmth of her lips on his. He was going to miss her so much! How would he be able to be away from her all summer? Now that he knew she loved him, that she wanted to be with him, leaving her was going to be so hard. He wanted to tell Raf no, that he had other plans, but he knew he needed to spend some time with his dad. Really get to know him, see if there was any possibility of patching things up between them. He was still angry at him, but Tara was right. He deserved a second chance.

With this thought in his head, he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers. She looked up at him and smiled. He had missed seeing her smile this year.

"Come on, let's get going. You need sleep Training Bra," he smirked, taking her hand in his and pulling her in the direction of the academy.

"Oh really? I think you're just as tired I am Reed!" She shot back playfully.

"Reed? Since when do you call me that?" He narrowed his eyes at her.

"I don't know, since now I guess," she shrugged, standing her ground.

"You're lucky you're cute Training Bra."

"Back at you Reed."

They laughed and joked as they walked slowly back to the dorm hand in hand, swinging their arms freely back and forth. As they got closer, he couldn't stop himself from thinking about what could happen tonight. He didn't want to force anything but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't hoping she would ask him to stay with her. It would make tonight even more special than it already was.

He had butterflies in his stomach as they walked through the door and into the common room. Suddenly, Tara stopped short and let out a sharp gasp. He turned to see what had caused her to react so strangely. Or rather who.

It was Ben. Crap! What was he doing here? Why wasn't he at the theater? How had he gotten here so fast? Their walk must have taken longer than he thought. He could feel the blood rushing to his head, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. He didn't know what to do. He tried to move but he couldn't. He tried to think of something to say but when he opened his mouth, no words came out. So he simply squeezed Tara's hand tightly – hoping it would reassure her that he was here, that she wasn't alone. He could only begin to imagine what she must be feeling. He was a wreck as Ben stood up from the chair he was sitting in and walked towards them, an annoyed look on his face.

He stopped in front of them and crossed his arms over his chest. Then he looked Tara right in the eye and drawled sarcastically, "Well well well... fancy seeing you here."