Chapter Forty One

Bella

When I had seen the tiny body in my arms, blood streaked and naked I felt a sense of belonging and when she opened her eyes and cried I held her close and rocked her grabbing a blanket from the box he'd brought in to keep her warm. His eyes lit up when he heard her cries and he grabbed her from me knocking my arm away when I tried to stop him. He looked so different as he stared at the little baby,

"A girl, another daughter, Oh, Mama you should have lived to take care of her, our baby daughter."

He kissed the top of her head.

"Here?"

Thrusting her back into my arms he threw another blanket at me,

"Keep her warm. If anything happens to my Aggie I'll take it out of your hide Ellie. Kat come with me and hurry up."

He undid Kat's shackle and she followed him out her eyes only leaving Sophie's body when she couldn't turn any further.

Left alone with the baby and her dead mother I felt my mind start to unravel, I could not, would not believe what I had just witnessed. It was just too horrible to be true. No, this was my little girl, nothing to do with the bloody shape on the floor. She was mine and I would protect her with my life. I held her close and started to sing to her, a song my...my mind skittered away from finishing that sentence, just a song I had learned. She quieted and I lay a grubby cheek against hers listening to her breathe and feeling her warmth against my chill. Chill? She would get cold, she couldn't get cold, she might...no she needed to be cuddled up in the warm. I looked in the box and found another blanket or at least a piece of a blanket cut from a full size one. Wrapping her in that too I cuddled her waiting...waiting...then I heard footsteps. It was him, the ruler of my world and I started to tremble but he was still smiling and he carried another box, a wooden one this time with towels, all discolored and washed out making a nest inside.

"Here, a crib for Aggie and Kat is bringing her some formula. You look after her Ellie or I'll beat you so hard your bones will snap."

I cowered still holding the baby who felt my terror and started to cry, a strange little wail that seemed to annoy him.

"Stop her. I don't want my little girl crying, Kat get in here now, your sister's hungry."

Kat came rushing in and almost tripped only just saved by him. He snatched the bottle of formula from her and slapped her round the face,

"Next time don't keep us waiting, now get the rest of the things and be quick about it."

Kat went out crying quietly, daddy had a new baby now and she was getting the treatment I received but it didn't matter to me, nothing did, nothing would change for me...I would still be good if I could...maybe I wouldn't be hit so often if I looked after my baby well. When Kat came back she was struggling with a huge box and some bags and fell down the last two steps hitting her shoulder on the wall at the bottom. I rocked the baby as he beat her for being clumsy over and over with his hands then grabbed her and threw her back to her corner snapping the chain round her ankle once more then came back to me with the box and bags throwing them down.

"Its all in there, all you need Ellie. You look after your sister well. Keep her happy and one day maybe she'll come live with daddy in the house."

He went out slamming the door behind him which startled baby and she began to cry again. All I could hear was weeping, Kat's, baby's and my own, as I tried not to look at the dead body on the floor. It reminded me of...no I couldn't think of that, it hadn't really happened, it had been a nightmare that was all. Baby needed feeding so I put the bottle to its tiny mouth and it sucked greedily, its little arms waving frantically as if looking for something or someone. Was she lost too?

I sat with her in my arms for hours or so it seemed although time did not mean anything down here. I could have been here months or years, maybe I had been born here like the baby, it certainly felt like it and that's why I remembered my...like Sophie, laying dead...we were all dead except baby, we just wouldn't lie down. People who had no one who loved them or cared for them were dead people, he'd told us that, he'd told me he was all I had and I should try to make him happy by being obedient but it seemed I couldn't even do that. Whatever I did only made him hate me more. How could the only person who meant anything to you hate you so much? I was lonely, Kat hated me, he hated me, no one loved me, I wasn't worth loving, I was evil and disrespectful and hateful.

I must have dozed because baby's cries woke me. I sat up to see Kat standing over me poking baby with one dirty finger. I snatched her away pushing Kat backwards,

"Stop it."

"Why? Daddy hates me now. He hit me, you saw him. Daddy never really hit me, not like that, he doesn't love me any more. She took my place."

Kat tried to poke baby again and I lashed out hitting her in the face and knocking her over.

"Stay away from baby, its not her fault"

She spat at me and turned to look at Sophie's body, still lying there uncovered except for the blood that had now congealed on her legs.

"I hate you Mama, you left me with a baby that daddy likes better than me"

She kicked Sophie's body which hardly moved then took Elspeth out of her pocket and threw her down to lay on Sophie's breast.

"Keep your dolly, I don't want it any more."

She threw herself down on her nest of rags and covered her eyes crying quietly until at last she fell asleep. I stood up wearily keeping baby close and dragged the sheet from under Sophie to cover her up at least a little then took Elspeth and threw it back to Kat before sitting down again and looking at my little bundle. She was so perfect, tiny hands and feet and a button nose, like a doll. A living breathing doll, my doll, not his but mine.

He came back just after Kat woke up sending her out for more formula, why did he trust her? She didn't love him any more, she was jealous but she came back scowling and thrusting the formula to me. While baby fed he made Kat help him drag Sophie's body out of the cellar and up the steps, her head banging on each step. I heard them,

"Lift her higher you stupid child."

He repeated it then I heard the sound of a slap and Kat's cries. She was right, he didn't love her any more and she and I would both feel his fists from now on unless I had baby in mine. When she finished her bottle she closed her eyes again then hiccuped it back all over me. The smell of sour milk mingled with the other smells, sweat, urine, blood, faeces, in the room and I hardly noticed but I grabbed the pack of cheap baby wipes and wiped her face then fashioned a square of toweling, there were loads in the box, into a nappy of sorts and sat back with her. There were no waterproofs so when she peed it soaked through the toweling and wet my shirt but I didn't care any more. I didn't remember ever having clean clothes or hot water to wash in. I has always been grubby and smelly and I fit right in down here in the cellar, my world for so long I didn't remember any other. To do so would have been too dangerous, especially if he found out. When I had tried to bring back memories once before and he heard, he used to listen in a lot, he beat me. I mentioned another name I thought was mine once and he broke two of my fingers. He said if I used another name again it would be my arm next time. I stopped thinking then, I hid everything away that might annoy him and locked it tight. I couldn't stand any more pain, my fingers throbbed constantly, my skin was cracked and weeping from the dirt and the insects that bit or stung me, my eyes were sore from the stench of the bucket he rarely allowed us to empty even if it was full, my body was a mass of bruises and scabs, half healed cuts from his belt buckle and both ankles were swollen up where the chains cut into them. My stomach hurt from the constant hunger, I had a cough that wouldn't go away and I felt like the wretch he told me I was.

Water was rationed so we used it only for drinking. I tried to clean my teeth but I had no toothbrush and no toothpaste, I made one from a straw I found in a drinks carton half full of sour milkshake and used that to scrape my teeth but it didn't help much. There was always a foul taste in my mouth and now I had toothache as well. To just lie down and fall asleep hoping never to wake up had been my goal for a while now but sleep only came fitfully. If we fell asleep for too long the rats would come and he warned us both they would start to eat us alive, one finger or toe at a time. Terrified we only ever dozed one at a time, the other watching out for the scurrying of little claws in the dirt and now I couldn't trust Kat for that either. She would happily watch as they chewed my toes or worse still baby's.