Christian
He tried to let go of her hand, but when he did, she only gripped his tighter. It reassured him that this was where he was supposed to be. The three of them stood there for what seemed like forever. He looked back and forth between Tara and Ben but Ben was only looking at her. He could see the fire in his eyes. He could see the jealousy and the pain. He felt a pang of guilt but at the same time he was annoyed at him for acting this way. He had to say something!
"Look Ben-" He blurted out, trying to come to her defense, to shield her from the full force of Ben's anger, but he was cut off quickly.
"Can it Christian! I don't want to hear it! I need to talk to my girlfriend!"
Ben's eyes didn't leave hers and the sharp tone of his voice made it perfectly clear that he wasn't interested in anything he had to say. He couldn't help cringing when he called her his girlfriend. Even though he knew how she really felt, it still hurt. He was the reason she was in this mess in the first place. If it hadn't been for his ego, his selfishness, they wouldn't be in such an awkward situation. If he hadn't broken up with her, she never would have started dating Ben. He would have been her pas de deux partner and that was it.
He looked over at Tara. Her whole body was shaking as she met his eyes and he could see how nervous she was.
"It's okay Christian, it'll be fine. I'll be fine."
He didn't want to leave her. He wanted to stand by her side and hash it out with Ben. She didn't deserve this! He wished Ben would just leave her alone and punch him instead! But that had never been Ben's style. He was a talker, like Tara was. He was going to do everything he could to plead his case and try to make her see that he was the better choice. That being with him was going to make her happy. That they were good for each other.
Christian knew he wasn't as good for her as Ben was. But what was he supposed to do? He wasn't about to just roll over and let Ben win! Not after everything that had happened tonight. He loved her and she loved him and he didn't want to fight it anymore.
He squeezed her hand again and held her gaze saying, "I'll be upstairs if you need me."
She nodded and he heard Ben snort. He looked back at him, trying to put on the bravest face he could, hoping Ben wouldn't be able to see how scared he really was. Then he let go of her hand, and walked past Ben and up the stairs.
When he got to the top, he sat down and listened.
"So where were you Tara?"
He could hear the accusation in Ben's voice and he bit down hard on his lip. He could picture the hurt look on her face and it made him angry! He wished he hadn't left her alone with him! He wanted nothing more than to go charging back down the stairs, but he knew she wouldn't want that. He knew she would want to deal with Ben on her own. It took every ounce of strength he had to stay put.
"I was walking back here," she replied softly.
"With him?" He sneered.
"Yes, what's wrong with that?" She asked, her voice still soft but steadier than before.
"How about the fact that you just ran out of the theater and I had no idea where you were! You're my girlfriend and you were with someone else! I know things haven't been easy since Sammy died but that's why I performed his dance for you! I gave up a chance to win the Prix for you and I have to find out from Kat that you left with another guy? You don't think there's anything wrong with that?"
"Ben I'm so-"
"Don't say you're sorry! Don't you dare say that! He treated you like crap! He left you all alone and acted like he didn't care about you at all! I saw Tara! I saw how much he hurt you and now you're walking with him and holding hands like nothing bad ever happened? Are you really that stupid?"
Okay this was getting out of hand! Why was she letting him say all those horrible things? Why wasn't she standing up for herself? Come on Tara! He pleaded silently. Say something!
"Ben, I know what he did! Better than anyone! I haven't forgotten how he treated me or all the things he said! He hurt me so much… but it wasn't his fault. I knew how he felt about his dad. I knew he didn't want to see him and I still pursued it. I wouldn't let it go. I thought I knew what was best for him. I thought that it would solve everything but instead of making things better, I made things worse."
He winced and put his head in his hands as he tried to process what she had said. He knew how awful he had treated her, how much he had hurt her. He knew that he hadn't been there for her when she broke her back or when she was expelled. But hearing her say it yet again, hearing the pain in her voice, was hard for him to handle. But it wasn't her fault! Why did she keep blaming herself?
"I am so grateful that you were there for me! You helped me through everything! I will never forget that! You fought for me when no one else did! You mean so much to me-"
"Not enough apparently!" He snapped.
"Ben stop it! Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. You have no idea how much I hate this! I'm sorry that you got caught in the middle. I never meant for any of this to happen! Christian and I… we've had ups and downs the whole time we've known each other. Things haven't always been easy. But the truth is… I never stopped loving him."
His eyes widened and he inhaled sharply. What? She had still loved him? Even after he broke her heart? Even after all the cruel things he had said and done? He always thought she hated him! That she didn't want anything to do with him! That's why he had kept his distance, why he hadn't called her when she got expelled, why he had left her alone when she came back to the academy. He had caused her enough pain and he thought staying away would be easier for her.
"I tried to stop. I tried so hard because of you! You were so caring and kind and when I was with you, I forgot how much I was hurting. You took such good care of me and made me feel so special! It was just what I needed. Which is why I wanted to be with you."
Silence again. What was going on? He needed to know. The waiting was unbearable.
"And now?" Ben finally asked, fighting to stay calm.
"Ben, I…"
His heart was pounding loudly in his chest. He was on the edge of the step he was sitting on, straining to hear what she was going to say. Would she go back to Ben? No! She couldn't! Not after tonight, after saying they loved each other…
"I can't. It wouldn't be fair to you! I will always care about you and want the best for you, but I just can't. It's always been Christian. Even when we were fighting, even when we broke up. I know it doesn't make any sense but we've finally been able to get past everything and move on. I know you don't want to hear all this, but it's the truth. I don't want to lie to you because you deserve better."
Again there was a long pause. This was torture!
"You're right, I do... And for your sake, I hope you know what you're doing Tara because the next time he breaks your heart, you're on your own! I won't be there to pick up the pieces!"
"Ben wait…"
He could hear the guilt in her voice as Ben stormed out of the room. He took a deep breath in as he tried to calm his nerves. Before he could think about what his next move should be, she walked around the corner and stopped at the foot of the stairs. Her cheeks were flushed and her hand trembled as she reached up to hold onto the railing. She didn't look up at him, but stared down at her feet instead.
"So I guess you heard everything?" Her voice cracked a little.
"Yeah… are you okay?"
"No..." Her voice cracked again and he knew she was trying not to cry. "I knew breaking up with him would be hard but I didn't realize how awful it would make me feel. I hated hurting him like that. He was such a good friend all year and if it wasn't for him…"
He stood up quickly and rushed down the stairs. He pulled her into his arms and she fell into him, wrapping her arms around him. He held her tightly as she cried into his shoulder. He ran his fingers through her hair and breathed her in. She always smelled so good.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For putting you in that position. For making you have to choose. I wasted so much time being angry at you when I could have been with you. If it wasn't for me, Ben wouldn't have been dragged into this. None of this would have ever happened."
"It's okay Christian. What Ben and I had… it was never the same as it was with you. I never loved him like I love you. I wanted to because I cared about him so much… but it wasn't enough. I was so desperate for a way to deal with everything that I took advantage of him. I just didn't want to be alone."
Her sincerity tugged at his heart. He knew exactly how she felt! When Kat came along, he had jumped on board, hoping it would all work out. And he had wanted it to work so badly! He cared about her so much and she was such a fun person to be around! She knew what he was going through. She knew what it felt like to be pushed aside by the people who were supposed to love you and take care of you. She was there for him and didn't expect him to be something he wasn't. But like Tara had said, it wasn't enough.
"And what did I say about feeling sorry for yourself?" She pulled back, wiping the tears off her face. "There's been enough of that. Let's just be happy and forget about everything else."
He smirked and kissed her forehead. "Whatever you say Training Bra."
She laughed and he took her hand in his and they walked down the hallway towards her room. The closer they got to her door, the faster his heart raced. He didn't want this night to end! But what could he do? He couldn't ask to stay. No matter how much he wanted to, it had to come from her. He didn't want to assume anything. No matter how amazing tonight had been, he didn't want to put that kind of pressure on her.
When they got to her room, she stopped and turned to face him. She squeezed his hand and smiled sweetly. "Thank you for tonight. It meant so much to me."
"Same here." He smiled back and reached up to hold her face in his hands. Then he leaned in and kissed her. Heat spread through his body as she responded, wrapping her arms low around his waist, pulling him closer. When the kiss ended, his heart sank a little. This was it! He was out of time! He was going to have to say good-night and he didn't want to. Looking down at her, he could see the desire in her eyes and it made the muscles in his stomach tighten. She didn't want this to end either! Ask me stay! He shouted at her in his head! Just ask me!
Fighting the urge to kiss her again, he simply looked deep into her eyes, hoping it was enough to sway her.
"Good-night Tara," he said gently, then he lowered his hands and started to walk away.
"Christian wait..." Relief flooded through him and he turned to find her walking towards him.
"What is it Tara?" He asked, hoping he was about to hear something he had wanted to hear all night.
She reached out and took his hand in hers. Then she looked right into his eyes, and asked, her voice trembling ever so slightly, "Will you stay with me?"