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Christian

When her fingers reached his shorts, he froze. What was she doing? This wasn't supposed to happen! She was the one who said they weren't ready! And she was right. Not that he wanted to stop but he knew they had to. Even though he had been with a couple of girls before, it was just something to do. Something everyone was doing. But he didn't want that for her. She deserved better. She deserved more.

Her green eyes bore into his. It was like he had flipped a switch and all their light had suddenly vanished. All that remained was darkness. He let go of her and sat up quickly, hoping it would somehow ease the guilt he was feeling. After telling her he loved her, that he wanted nothing more than to be with her, he was going to ruin everything.

After a moment, he heard her sit up too. When he felt her hand on his shoulder, he stood up and walked over to the open window. The cool night air helped clear his head a little but not enough. He fought back the tears that threatened to break free. He wasn't going to cry in front of her. No matter how many times she had cried tonight, there was no way he was going to let her see him like this. He had already cried enough. At Sammy's memorial, during Tara's performance… not to mention after Sammy's parents had come to pick up all his stuff. Sitting on his bed in their empty room, he had given in. He had let go, his sobs coming loud and fast. But not again. Not even for her.

He swallowed back the lump in his throat. He knew he should go back to her. This wasn't her fault. It was his. He had confused her, made her think that they could really do this. He had thought so too. That he could be that person… the one who was strong and brave and thought about others before himself. But that wasn't who he was. He was selfish and insecure. He was the person who ended up hurting the ones he loved the most.

"Christian are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

Her question sent another jolt of guilt through him. Why did she still think she was the problem? That she was somehow to blame? Why was it so hard for her to see how perfect she was?

"No, you didn't," he said through gritted teeth. He didn't trust himself to look at her so he continued to stare out the window.

"Then what is it? Why did you stop?"

"Because it's not right."

"What do you mean? Don't you love me?"

Her words hit him hard in his chest and he couldn't fight it anymore. He turned towards her. She was sitting up with one leg hanging over the side of her bed and the other folded under her, her eyes wide with worry.

"Of course I do!" He blurted out stupidly.

"Then what's going on? I don't understand…"

What could he say? The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. Again. He wanted nothing more than to be with her, to pick up where they had left off a few moments ago. But he couldn't.

"I can't do this," he repeated.

"Why not?" She asked, her voice strained and low.

"Because I can't!" He shouted. He could feel his temper rising. Why couldn't she just let it go? Why was she making this so difficult?

"That's not good enough Christian!" She stood up and walked over to him. He started walking towards the door but she grabbed his arm and held it tightly.

"Tara, let go!"

"No! Not until you tell me why you're acting like this!"

"I don't have to explain myself to you Tara! I have my reasons!" He wrenched himself out of her grasp. He hated yelling at her. He wished he could talk to her but he knew where that would lead. She would tell him it was going to be okay, that they would get through it together. He didn't deserve to hear that.

"Well they can't be very good ones!" She shot back loudly.

"Please don't act like you know me Tara! You have no idea how hard this year has been for me!" He regretted his words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He knew this year had been much harder for her, that she had suffered way more than he had. Between Saskia's abuse, his cruelty, Grace's crazy behavior and Sammy's accident, it was a miracle she somehow managed to survive.

"Hard for you?" The edge in her voice was palpable.

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"So you were picked on all year? You were told over and over that you were never going to be good enough? You had your back broken by the one person you admired the most? You think you're the only one who loved Sammy? That you're the only one who knows what it's like to lose your best friend? That's so unfair Christian! How can you even say that?"

The tears in her eyes made it hard not to pull her into his arms.

"And of course I know you! Whenever things get hard, whenever there's something you don't want to deal with, you shut down! You use your past as an excuse to avoid anything that makes you uncomfortable! I thought you had changed! I thought tonight had given you some reason to believe that you deserve to be happy but I guess I was wrong!"

She was right as usual. No matter how hard he tried to hide his true feelings, it didn't work. She wasn't fooled at all. Why did she have to be so perceptive? Why couldn't she just let him be?

"Tara don't-"

"No Christian, you don't! We're finally together! We've worked everything out! The past couple of hours have been so wonderful… I don't know why you're trying so hard to ruin it but you need to stop!"

"And how am I supposed to do that?" He asked.

"Stay!" She shouted obviously. "I know that things haven't always been easy for us but don't walk away. I love you and I want to be with you and if you feel the same way then stay!"

He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to forget everything that had happened tonight. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone else but was it enough?

She placed her hand on his cheek and then she leaned in against him, resting her head against his chest. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and breathed her in. Her scent overwhelmed him and just like that, his anger vanished. All the hurt, all the worry, all the pent up frustration about what would happen to them was gone.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer, again fighting back tears.

"I know," she replied softly. "I hate fighting with you. Why do you have to make things so difficult?"

"Me?"

"Yes you! Everything was fine! Why did you stop?"

He could hear the nervousness in her voice, like she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer. He wasn't sure he wanted to tell her but he knew he had to. He had walked away so many times before and he didn't want to keep making the same mistakes.

"Tara… no one has ever meant as much to me as you. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I've… been with girls before and it didn't mean anything! You deserve so much better than that. Please don't hate me."

"Christian, I could never hate you! When are you going to get that through your head?" She protested, pulling back and looking straight into his eyes. "And I'm sorry if I got carried away before… I just wanted tonight to be special."

"It is special Tara… just getting to be with you is special. You don't have to try so hard to impress me!"

"And you don't have to try so hard to make up for all your mistakes!" She retorted quickly. "Whatever happened this year is over. You have to let it go and think about more important things!"

"Oh yeah, like what?" He smirked, hoping it was safe to tease her a little.

"I don't know… how about all the things we're going to do before you leave!" She said, rolling her eyes.

"Such as?"

"Why is it up to me to decide?"

"Tara I've done everything a kid can do in this city. What's something you want to do?"

Her cheeks reddened suddenly and she dropped her gaze.

"What is it?"

"Nothing…"

"Doesn't seem like nothing," he pressed further.

"It's just… you'll think it's stupid-"

"Try me."

"You have to promise not to laugh!"

"I promise Tara just tell me already!"

"Luna Park?" She asked apologetically.

He laughed before he could stop himself. The annoyed look on her face only made it worse. Out of all the things he thought might come out of her mouth, that was not one of them! How has she lived here for two years and never been there?

"I'm glad you find me amusing!"

"I'm sorry, it's just…" He burst into another fit.

"Just forget it-"

"No I'm sorry! Really… I'm stopping!" He leaned over and put his hands on his knees and took a couple of deep breaths in, trying to get his laughter under control.

"So… Luna Park?" He asked as evenly as he could.

"You promised you weren't going to laugh!"

"I know but come on Tara! You've gotta admit it's pretty funny!"

"Why? Why is it so funny?"

"Because everyone's been there!"

"Well I haven't!"

"Apparently not," he choked.

"Ugh! You think you're so smart!" She exclaimed, rolling her eyes again and walking back over to her bed. She sat down and put her hands in her lap. He walked over and sat down next to her.

"I'm sorry Tara, please don't be mad at me," he pleaded.

"Oh so you can be mad at me but I can't be mad at you?" She shot back angrily.

"I wasn't mad at you I was mad at myself!"

The words came out before he could stop them. Once again his temper had gotten the better of him and the one thing he had been trying so hard to keep from her had somehow found its way to the surface. Why was she so good at getting under his skin? What was it about her that made it hard to keep his mouth shut? He didn't want her to know how much he hated himself, how much he blamed himself for everything. He didn't want her pity.

"What for?"

"I really don't want to talk about this Tara."

"Well you have to! You have to tell me what's wrong so we can fix it."

"Fix me you mean?" He snapped before he could stop himself.

"That's not what I meant! I just want you to be happy! That's all I have ever wanted!"

He could see the truth in her eyes. Even though she had said those words in the past, for some reason it never seemed to fully sink in. Happiness had never been something he envisioned for himself. It was always surviving, getting through, fighting to somehow find shelter from the storm. An uphill battle that left you with nothing but emptiness.

"Tara… I'm not like you, I don't have my entire life figured out!"

"I don't expect you to Christian! How many times do I have to tell you? I don't love you because you've got it all figured out! I love you because you're you! Because you make me happy! Because when I'm with you… I know where I belong."

She took his hand and intertwined her fingers in his. Her hand was warm and soft and he relished how perfectly they fit. Like two puzzles pieces. Meant to be. There had to be a reason why they were here. It couldn't just be a coincidence that, even after such a crazy year, they had found a way back to each other. Everything happened for a reason. He leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

"Tara… I'm scared. I don't want to hurt you again," he confessed.

"It'll be okay Christian, we'll get through it together-"

"You don't know that!" He exclaimed, pulling away.

"Yes I do because I've made up my mind… nothing's getting in between us… deal?"

She smiled cleverly as she reached out her hand just like he had done at the end of their summer together on the farm. Waves of excitement rushed through him and the hope he thought was gone flooded back. They were going to be okay. No matter what, they would be there for each other. It wouldn't be easy, but it was worth it. She was worth it.

Hit with the full force of his realization, he smirked, took her hand in his and simply replied, "Deal."