Chapter Forty Five

Bella

It was nearly over for us, just like the others, I couldn't remember but I knew there had been others. He was only interested in his new daughter and I was only still alive because I was looking after her but he'd already told us that his sister was going to raise Aggie and we were going to a new place to live in the woods. Did he mean a cabin or was he referring to the fact he was going to kill us? Still the woods weren't such a bad place to die, among trees in the fresh air. Kat was terrified and kept weeping, every time he came in we thought it was time and each time she would approach him on her knees begging him to keep her with him, to love him like the daughter, the good obedient daughter she was. He would laugh and push her over watching as she crawled back into her corner to huddle down and cry. He watched me keenly, he was suspicious I wasn't looking after Aggie properly but I told him I needed more formula, she was hungry all the time, and that's why she cried so much. I thought he was going to hurt me but he went out and brought in three bottles ready made up.

"It's supposed to be warm or it will make her sick."

That did get me a slap but I was almost used to them now, my ears rung and I felt sick and dizzy but I struggled to stay upright.

"You'll find a way to keep it warm, shove it against your skin, in your arm pit or groin that's nice and warm I'll bet."

I hated these sexual references he was making, they were new and I was aware he was looking at me as a replacement for...the other... a face I hardly remembered from before.

When he came down to move us Kat refused to budge, terrified he was going to kill her now and he had to knock her down before he could drag her upstairs swearing as he did so. It was unusual for her to fight daddy but fear gave her courage. When he came down for me I got up still holding baby close to me.

"You gonna give me trouble too Ellie? Want some of what your sister just got? I don't know what's gotten into that girl, she was never defiant before. Is it your doing?"

I shook my head keeping my eyes downcast, he liked that, subservience.

"Good, come on."

I followed him up the stairs going carefully on shaky legs and was relieved when we reached the yard although a van was drawn up to the cellar entrance and Kat was already laying in the back. I clambered in one handed afraid to hand baby to him in case I never got her back, I couldn't make it without her, she was my anchor. I wanted to ask him where we were going but I couldn't bring myself to. The last time I asked him anything he beat me so badly I couldn't sit up for a week, I think I had some broken ribs because they still hurt and I was scared if he hit me again I might puncture a lung. He wouldn't mean to hurt me bad, I was such a trial to him and now he'd lost mama we were all he'd got. I wasn't sure if he wanted to keep us or send us on ahead to mama but Kat was sure he was so cross with us that he would kill us. I guess it wouldn't be any worse than the cellar but maybe going to the cabin was a good move. Perhaps he missed us now Mama was gone and wanted us to live as a family again. If we lived with him then maybe he would be happier and not hurt us so often.

The ride was uncomfortable in the back of the van which smelled of rotting fish but we were used to awful smells now. Would our new place smell so bad? What I really wanted was to be warm and clean. I used to dream of not feeling hunger and thirst but they mattered less these days, I guess I'd got used to little food and water although it meant my body didn't work right. My pee was so strong it burned and I felt so weak if I did manage to go to the toilet but that wasn't often either, no food in meant no poo out. Still it eased the stench in the cellar somewhat. I wondered if the inside of the house was like it was down in the cellar or was it light and airy with pretty colored walls and a kitchen full of food, a bathroom with hot water on tap and bubbles in the tub. Or were these just dreams? I couldn't remember my life before and the last tie with it I had given to... when she died.

It seemed so unfair she should go to the grave with nothing so I put the ring in her hand and tied it shut with a rag until he came to fetch her. I hoped the ring stayed with her, to show someone cared that she had lived and died. That she hadn't died unnoticed by the world. Then I wondered if anyone would do that for me or if I would be an unknown corpse when he finally killed me. I knew he would because I knew however good I was it would never be good enough, that I disappointed him every time he looked at me but I didn't know what to do to change that, to make him love me, his daughter.

The van was pulled up close to the door and we were ordered to run straight inside to the kitchen, did that mean he was going to feed us? It was dark but the fresh pine scented air was delicious as we stumbled through to the cabins kitchen still manacled, with him holding the free end of the chain with its iron ring and fastener. To our disappointment he pointed down the steps into yet another cellar and this one was as bad as the other, worse because it had an earthen floor which was damp and smelled of rotting vegetables. Once down there he chained us back up to rings on the wall which were too high to let us lay down properly but I was relieved when he brought Aggie's crib down and I lay her in the rag bed to sleep. She was coughing a little and her eyes were too bright so I asked him for some medicine to help her. He swore and kicked out but at me not her and a bruised shin was nothing if it saved her from getting really sick.

Kat was chained across the cellar from me, no longer on a long chain that meant she could move about pretty freely. Now she was like me, a disappointment, and I had to watch her with Aggie, she was so jealous of the tiny baby who had never done anything to deserve Kat's resentment. It was worse down here because not only was it cold, it was damp too, the walls dripping constantly making everything slimy and the earth floor more mud close to them. He brought medicine for baby and I shared it between two because Kat started running a fever and coughing and I was certain he wouldn't listen if I asked for medicine for her. My relief when baby responded to the medicine and cooled down, her cough dying \way was great and even Kat seemed a little better so I asked for more and because it was for baby it came. I dare not leave her in her crib too long without changing the rags because everywhere was so chill and damp so I carried her in my arms against my body so she got some warmth while Kat and I either stood or squatted when we were too tired to stand any longer.

"See daddy isn't going to kill us Kat. He's just moved us to a new home."

"I want the old one back, this is so cold and wet."

"I know Kat but we just have to be strong and behave then maybe he'll let us live upstairs."

I didn't believe it but I hoped Kat did, hope was all she had left now, she had even stopped hating Aggie. I only started to get really worried when he brought down a box with eight bottles of formula made up, he'd been bringing it down every day and taking baby from me to sit in his arms, he really seemed so proud of her.

"I have to go away for a little while but there's food for Aggie in there."

"And us? Can we have something to eat and drink please sir."

The blow knocked me against the wall and made Aggie cry so he snatched her away and put her in her crib before hitting me again. He rained punches down on my head, shoulders, and back as I turned cowering.

"You ungrateful little bitch. I feed you, I clothe you, I give you a roof over your head but its never enough, you always want more. I'll give you more."

He hit me again and this time I saw stars as I bent over and vomited near his feet. The next blow must have knocked me out because the next thing I remember was Aggie and Kat both crying but as I picked her up I felt a pain in my stomach and knew he'd kicked me while I was down.