"...that must hurt to not be able to admit to everyone how your really feel or who you really are." Finn is standing directly behind me now. I can't make myself turn around. I can't believe he just outed me and spilled my biggest secret in the middle of the school hallway. All I can do is stand here and listen to him, "You know what I think you are... a coward. I'll see you at the mash off. " I hear him turn an walk away just before the bell rings.
Everyone is whispering and staring at me. It takes everything I have not to break down here in the middle of the hall way. If I run away or shed a tear it will make everything that much worse. Right now it's all just speculation. If I react that will just add fuel to the fire. So I stand still in the middle of the hall way as the bell rings and everyone around me scurries off to their classes.
I'm freaking out. I know in a matter of minutes everything that Finn just said will be around the entire school. McKinley high's rumor mill has nothing on twitter. I cannot go to class now. Instead I decide to spend the period in the janitors closet.
It's about 10 minutes into 5th period when there is a knock at the door. I try and quiet my sobs so as not to give away my presence. The person knocks again, "San, it's me baby. Can I come in?" Quinn asks softly from the other side of the door.
I should have known Quinn would find me. After all we have 5th period together. There is no doubt in my mind that she's heard what went down in the hall way. I get up off the ground and unlock the door. I don't open it though, and walk back to the corner and slump to the ground hiding my face in my knees.
Quinn slips in the room quietly and locks it behind her. She walks to me and stands in front of me, "Can I sit down?"
I know she means well but I honestly just want to be alone right now. I don't tell her that though instead I just shrug my shoulders not looking at her. She stands next to me and slides down the wall. She rests her hand on my back and moves it up and down, "Do you wanna talk about it?" she whispers.
I start to cry again. This has been my worst fear ever since I could remember. I know Quinn has feared the same. We live in a small minded hick town. There's no way people are going to be ok with me being gay let alone having a penis.
Quinn wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her, "Shhh baby. It's ok, don't cry. Everything's going to be ok."
I stop crying when I hear her say that. Is she serious? How can she even say that? "Are your fucking kidding me? Don't sit here and tell me everything's going to be ok! What about this situation makes you think everything is going to be ok? The whole fucking school knows I'm gay! Finn just screamed it in the middle of the crowded hallway. He told everyone! Everyone knows Quinn! Everyone knows I have a dick!" my anger gives way and I breakdown all over again falling into Quinn.
She grips me tighter, "I'm sorry baby! I didn't mean it like that." I only cry harder soaking her uniform top. "Hey look at me," she tries to pull my chin up so she can see my face but I bury it further into her chest. "Come on baby. Look at me... please," I let her lift my chin this time and slowly open my eyes.
She wipes some of my tears away with her thumb, "I know its seems like the worst thing in the world right now. But we have to play this the right way. You can't let them see you break down right now baby. That will only make them believe what Finn said. You have to go out there and show them that you aren't fazed by what Finn said. They will think he was just making stuff up. They will forget about it soon enough. "
I scoff. It's easy for her to say that. No one knows that she's just like me, or that she is actually my girlfriend and not Brittany. I sit up and move off her lap, "And how do you suggest I do that?"
She cups my cheek and wipes more of my tears away; I haven't been able to stop crying. "I'm not saying that it's going to be easy. But I'll be with you every step of the way baby, if they want to get to you they'll have to go through me!" she tells me with a wink doing a tuff guy impression and balling her hands into fists and placing them on her hips.
I can't help but laugh a little. Quinn's right. Who is going to believe him. I just have to go back out there and hold my head high. We are the head bitches of this school. Even if people do believe Finnonence Quinn and I can make their high school carriers a living hell. I'm happy that its Friday and after sitting through The New Directions mashoff performance, I can go home and have the weekend to hopefully have this blow over.
Monday is pretty normal. If people believe Finn they aren't showing it that much. There is an occasional comment or glance in the hall but no one is coming right out with anything. Maybe Quinn was right maybe I overreacted on Friday. I've made it through the first full school day since mine and Finn's little show down and I'm still standing.
I only have glee practice left; which is where Brittany and I are headed when I get summoned to Coach Sylvester's office by Becky. As I walk in I see Mr. Shue and lady faces dad. 'What the hell?' I think as I walk into the office.
"What's going on?" I ask confused.
"Have a seat Santana," Sue tells me, so I do.
"I'm afraid we have some bad news and I think I might be to blame. In my campaign to become Ohio's newest congress woman I've said some things that are not true and I don't feel good about it." Sue stands up and walks closer to me sitting on top of her desk directly in front of me.
I'm freaking out right now. What the hell is going on. What are they talking about. I start listening to Sue again, "I set the tone for this campaign, and now I'm afraid my slanderous chickens have come home to roust. "
Will chimes in behind me, "Santana you should know I have the phone number of a counselor that specializes in this."
"It's something that I've been through first hand. I'd be willing to talk your family though it," Burt offers.
Ok what the hell is happening? "Wait what are you...what are you talking about?"
"Reggie the sauce Salazar sent me an advanced copy of his latest campaign add..." Burt puts a VHS tape in the TV Sue uses to critique our Cheerios performances.
Sue starts talking again, "It turns out he has a niece that goes to this school, and she overheard a conversation a couple of days ago between you and Finn Hudson."
Oh my god! It can't be! Burt presses play on the VCR and the campaign commercial starts playing. Because of Finn not only does the whole school know my secret, but now the whole town is going to know. I can't help but start to cry, "I can't believe this is happening."
I can't be in this room any more, I have to get out. I stand up, "I'm so sorry," I hear Sue say.
Seriously does she think that will make any of this better? My two biggest secrets are about to be broadcasted on national television I haven't even told my parents I was gay. Oh my god, "I haven't even told my parents yet!" I say aloud before running out of her office crying.
I want to get the hell out of this school but I can't. It's the Troubletones turn to perform their mashoff; Rumor Has It/Someone Like You. Seriously could we have picked a more fitting song for this time in my life right now, never the less I'll be damned if I let Finn win by forfeit. I quickly change and join the rest of my teammates on the stage in the auditorium.
Throughout the entire performance I can't stop thinking about that commercial airing. My life will be ruined! I see Finn whispering to Rachel and I snap. I jump off the stage in front of Finn and Rachel, "What did you just say to her?!"
"I said I thought you were great..." he's lying I can tell.
I shake my head, "No, you're lying."
"No he literally just said that," Rachel defends Finn.
" You tell her too? Everyone's gonna know now, because of you!" I scream.
"The whole school already knows, and you know what, they don't care," he says smugly.
"Not just the school you idiot! EVERYONE!" I yell again.
"What are you talking abo-" I cut him off with a slap to his face. I can't take it anymore. He's sitting here trying to act all innocent while my life is being torn apart at the seams because of him.
"Santana, Figgins office NOW!" Mr. Shue yells and points to the door.
Santana wakes up covered in sweat and breathing hard. She looks around and realizes she's in Rachel's childhood room. In bed with Rachel and Quinn. "It was just a dream," she's whisper to herself while brushing her sweaty hair away from her forehead. 'Can it really be classified as a dream if you actually lived it? I guess a flashback is more accurate' she thinks.
She looks at her phone and sees that its only 5:30 in the morning. She decides to try and go back to sleep for a couple more hours. She rolls back over and wraps and arm around Quinn and closes her eyes.
"I'm sorry, but since a student had lit fire crackers stuffed down his pants three years ago, we've had a zero tolerance of physical violence policy," Figgins says from behind his desk.
"Is that why you've suspended all the kids who've been tossing slushies in our faces for the past two years," I point out.
"Slushies are not on the school boards approved list of suspend worthy weapons," he defends.
I roll my eyes at his cop out, "Here's what you have to understand, I didn't do it."
"We all saw what happened, you slapped Finn in the face. Unprovoked," Mr. Shue interrupts from behind me.
I turn to face him, "No see you don't get it, when I get really pissed off Santana gets taken over by this other evil personality. I call her Snixx. Her wrath of words is called Snixx juice. I'm kind of like the Incredible Hulk you can't blame me for anything Snixx does."
Figgins doesn't back down, "I'm suspending you and this Snixx for two weeks, no arguments."
"Sectionals is in next weeks. If you suspend me I won't be able to beat grimace and Mr. Shue's butts. Ms. Corcoran I highly recommend you do something about this!" I plead.
"I'm sorry Santana sectionals is important, but you need to be punished for what you did," Mr Shue agrees.
"I hate to say it but I agree," Rachel's mom adds.
I throw my hands up, "This is garbage! Hamburglar Finn is fine."
"She didn't slap me!" Finn chimes in from his spot on the couch in Figgins office.
Ok now I'm really confused.
"I know that it, it looked and sounded like she did, but she actually didn't," he adds while standing from the couch. "What, what is it called in a play or a movie when you pretend to hit someone but you don't?" he asks no one in particular.
"Uh, a stage slap," Mr. Corcoran answers.
"It was a stage slap! That's what it was," Finn directs to Figgins.
"What is your angle here Finn?" Mr. Shue asks. To be honest I'd like to know that as well.
"The truth. If she didn't actually hit me then you can't suspend her right?" he asks the principle.
Figgins looks just as confused as I am, "No."
Finn smiles, "Then that's what happened."
They dispense Finn and I, and we leave the principal's office. "I'm a mischievous bitch, but I can't for the life of me figure out what this is about?" I turn to Finn once we're alone in the hallway.
"Well I want sectionals to be a fair fight and that can't happen without you on the Troubletones," he tries to explain.
"Well actually it would only be a fair fight with me off the team."
"And I kinda feel bad for you. Look I know we've been at each other a lot over these past couple of years, but the truth is I think you're awesome. And when you hide who you are, you hide part of that awesomeness with it. And that's why you act out. Because you hurt inside every day." What is he trying, some new mental tactic, trying to get in my head?
I'll bite, "That's sweet... but if you think that in exchange for keeping me from getting suspended im going to come ba-"
He cuts me off, "Back to the glee club, exactly. You and all the Troubletones. I have an idea for a lesson but it won't work if you're not there."
Ok, I'm even more confused than I was two minutes ago, "Did Ms. Corcoran and Mr. Shue already agree to this?"
"Look, it's up to you. Either you can come back to the choir room and embrace your awesome, or take a two week vacation and enjoy your seat in the audience for sectionals," he gives me an ultimatum.
I can't get suspended, my parents would kill me. Before I answer he walks away.
Quinn and I talk that night. I explain what happened in Figgins office and why I slapped Finn in the first place. She offered to come out as well as both gay and intersexed, as a way of softening the blow on me. I couldn't let her do that. I love her for the offer but there is no need for her life to be ruined in high school too. Plus if I'm being honest, it would probably only make things worse.
The next day was pretty much the same. People still whispered and stared but nothing really over the top. After talking with Quinn and thinking it over some more I decided to join the rest of the Troubletones in the choir room after school.
Finn's writing something on the white board.
"Can someone tell us what's going on please?" Mercedes asks aggravated. I can tell she's not happy about the current situation either.
Finn finishes the sentence and caps the dry erase marker. "This week the Troubletones and New Directions will both be singing music by ladies and for ladies."
"Oh hell no!" I see where this is going.
Finn ignores me and continues, "Next week all of us will be going to sectionals and one of us is probably going to win... but, Santana we're worried about you."
What the fuck? "Worry about yourself fetus face," Quinn can't help but laugh a little at that.
He keeps going, "Glee is about learning how to accept yourself for who you are, no matter what other people think. And that's what this music is all about. "
"So wait I don't even get a say in this? Not cool," suspension isn't sounding that bad right now.
"Everybody in this room knows about you Santana, and we don't judge you for it. We celebrate it because it's who you are. And look I know not everybody outside of this room is as accepting and cool, but we're doing this assignment this week so that you know in this rotten stinking mean world that you at least have a group of people who will support you and your choice to be whoever you wanna be. That's it. That's what we're doing here."
He turns to the flaming twins, "Blaine, Kurt"
The duo stand up in front of the group, "Santana, Kurt and I have a song we like to sing to each other in the car, and we wanna sing that for you right now."
Oh my god, this day just keeps getting better and better. "While there's nothing I'd love more than having two pretty ponies serenade me I think we'd get further staging a gellervention for Blaine than singing lady music."
"I know it's hard, It was hard for me too. But you can get through this," Kurt says.
"If you would just stop being so defensive," Blaine adds.
"I'm trying!" I snap out. "But your hideous bowties are provoking me."
Mr. Shue chimes in trying to get us back on topic, "Kurt, Blaine, why don't you kick us off with what you got."
They start in on their rendition of Pinks song Perfect. At first Blains overzealous dance moves and facial expressions have me ready to hack. But by the end after listening to the words and putting my feeling aside for a moment, I realize what they are trying to do. I can't help but smile a little.
But I can't forget what's going on so easily, or why we are even here in the first place. "Thank you guys. Thank you Finn especially. You know with all the horrible crap I've been through in my life, now I get to add that."
Santana wakes up sweating again. Its 6:10 now. She decides to get out of bed and take a shower not wanting to take the chance of falling back asleep again and reliving the worst couple of days of her life.
She slowly climbs out of bed and quietly makes her way into the bathroom. She turns the shower on and stands in front of the mirror while it warms up.
She looks at herself in the mirror. She's standing in the middle of the bathroom completely naked seeing as how none of them bothered to put clothes on after their sexathon last night.
She gets in the shower and starts to wash her body. Her hands glide down her stomach and ghost over her junk. She freezes and starts to cry. She backs up against the wall and slides down the wet tile pulling her knees to her chest and continues to cry.
Quinn starts to stir. She reaches behind her to feel Santana but is met with empty space. She squints, her eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room she looks at the clock it's 6:25. She notices the light coming from underneath the bathroom door.
She waits a couple minutes to see if Santana is just using the bathroom and will be back in a second.
After 5 minutes she decides to see what she's doing. She slowly untangles herself from Rachel and gets out of bed. She covers the sleeping brunette back up hoping her absence won't wake her.
As she opens the door she realizes the shower is running. She closes it quietly behind her. "Morning babe, what are you doing up so early?" she asks while opening the steam covered shower door.
She looks in but doesn't see anything until she looks down. "Oh my god San! What's wrong baby?" she kneels down in front of her crying girlfriend and places her hands on her arms.
Santana shakes her head, not sure if she's ready to open up.
Quinn moves to the left of Santana so that her back is against the shower wall. She sits criss crossed and puts her hand on Santana's back, "I'll be right here when you're ready."
They sit in quiet for a little bit only the sound of the water hitting the tiles in front of them splashing them in the process. Santana had her head laying on her crossed arms and Quinn had her head leaned back against the tile while her right hand rubbed along the length of Santana's back.
Santana takes a deep breath and turns her head towards Quinn. "When I went to pick up Rachel yesterday, I saw Finn. Apparently he's working for Burt, and Triple A called his place to tow the car."
Quinn looks at Santana when she starts talking, her hand stills on her back. She doesn't say anything, she just lets her finish talking.
Santana lifts her head and sits a little straighter. "It brought back so many memories... It made me think. Really think. What are we doing Quinn?"
Quinn's eyebrows furrow, "what do you mean?"
Santana shrugs, "I mean what are we doing? What are we thinking bringing children into this world?"
Quinn's shocked, she pulls her hand away from Santana's back like she was just burned, "where is this coming from Santana?"
Santana throws her hands up, "you know what it was like for me... for us, what are we thinking bringing two kids into this world... into our unconventional relationship. We might as well paint a bullseye on their backs we are opening them up to so much ridicule."
Quinn doesn't really know what to say. She opens and closes her mouth trying told find the words but she can't. Santana sees this and feels even worse. This is why she didn't say anything to her and Rachel earlier.
She's happy Rachel is pregnant, she really is but being back here in Lima, running into Finn she can't help but think back to her childhood, her being outed. What their children will go through. How their friends will react to them having three parents, three moms. What will they say when they tell them that she and Quinn have penises.
"Oh god what if the babies are like us Quinn!" she starts to cry again. She doesn't want their children to have to experience a second of bullying or self doubt. She hides her face in her hands and turns away from Quinn moving further into the spray of water.
Hearing the words, Quinn realizes what Santana's going through. She's thought the same thing. Her experience of coming out wasn't as public as Santana's but it was still difficult. She too had her struggles growing up different. But most of that went away when she met Santana.
She finally found somebody that was like her in every way. Who understood her, who understood what she had been through.
She puts her hands on Santana hips and try's to turn her towards herself, "San look at me..."
Santana reluctantly lets Quinn move her. She sits with the water hitting her back her knees against her chest her chin resting atop her knees and arms wrapped around her legs.
Quinn puts her palm against Santana's left cheek, "San, I get what you're saying."
Santana wasn't expecting that, "you do?"
Quinn nods, "yeah I do. I worry about that too. But we will be ok. You, me and Rachel will be ok. We can get through anything. I worry that one or both of the babies will be like us, I don't want them to have to go through what we did, what you did..."
Quinn tries to dry Santana's tears but with shower running and her still crying its useless, "but do you remember what happened after that?"
Flashback:
Finn corners me at my locker, "so what do you think of the new assignment?"
I slam my locker door shut, "do you realize you're basically forcing me out of the flannel closet?!"
"Salazar's ad's gonna run, that's what's forcing you to deal with this," he reminds me.
I roll my eyes, "why are you getting so worked up about this?!"
"Because I don't want you to die!" What is he talking about? I look at him like he's crazy.
He elaborates, "a few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those it gets better videos killed himself. Alright, you deal with your anxiety surrounding this stuff by attacking other people and someday that's not gonna be enough and you might start attacking yourself."
"Yeah well thanks, but that's never gonna happen. I'd miss me too much." I tell him honestly. No matter how down I've gotten I've never even considered suicide.
"Look, I know this is basically all my fault. I'll never be able to take it back. I'm sorry that this is happening. But I like you Santana, you and everyone in the glee club are like my family. And that means something to me. You mean something to me. If something were to happen to you and I didn't do everything that I could to try and stop it, I'd never be able to live with myself," again he just walks away leaving me to think about his words.
I know we fight and everything, but I don't really have anything against Finn. Other than the fact that he's with Rachel. Yeah I'm totally pissed that I'm in the situation I'm in right now but that's not entirely his fault. I provoked him that day in the hallway. If I hadn't been such a bitch, maybe he wouldn't have said the things he did and Salazar's niece wouldn't have overheard us.
I follow Finn to the choir room shortly after. For his song he chose a rather depressing but sill beautiful and moving version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. All the boys join in on the harmony. My resolve is breaking, by the end of the song it's all I can do to hold back my tears.
Salazar's ad ends up running the next day. The school is all a buzz. Everywhere I go, people stare. I stop at my locker.
"Hey freak! I saw the commercial," a baby faced guy in a letterman jacket stands next to me.
"Who the hell are you?" I ask.
"Josh Coleman, sophomore rugby captain," he says like I'm supposed to be impressed.
"You know, all you need is a little nip tuck, and the right guy to straighten you out and I'm just the man to do it." he says with a cocky smile.
"Move your busted creeper ass!" Mercedes and the rest of the girls appear out of nowhere.
"Now!" Tina adds.
"Easy girls, I'm just trying to make her normal," the sophomore continues.
"She is normal," Brittany says from behind me.
"It's not a choice you idiot, but even if it were you'd be our last choice," says Quinn sending me a supportive smile.
"Oh I get it your all a bunch of freak lezbos," God, he doesn't know when to quit.
"So what if we are, you don't stand a chance either way!" Rachel says standing next to me. If we were anywhere else and under different circumstances I'd like to see if I could get her to elaborate a little more on that.
Before I can think too much about Rachel possibly being into girls, she turns to the rest of the gang and leads us in a pretty hot performance of Katy Perrys, I Kissed A Girl. We start in the hallways, spectators be damned all the way to the choir room where the boys already were waiting for us so the lesson could begin.
When we finish, Quinn finds me and gives me a hug. I decide now's a good time to tell them the news. Quinn and I are standing in the front of the room in the middle of the rest of the girls arms around each other. We share a look before I start, "Ok, ok, update ya'll," I announce trying to get everyone to quite down their cheers so they can hear me.
"First off, Finn you were wrong about one thing. It's not Brittany who I'm in love with. It's Quinn," I tighten my grip around Quinn's waist.
She smiles at me, "and I'm just as equally in love with her," she speaks without tearing her gaze away from me.
We decided last night that we didn't want to keep our relationship a secret anymore, but we aren't going to announce to everyone that Quinn is packing also. She's more than welcome to tell whoever she wants to when she wants to, but for the time being we're just happy to finally be able to be ourselves together out from behind closed doors.
I hear several gasps and I'm pretty sure I hear Rachel whisper, "I knew it," next to me.
I don't let them dwell on that portion of the news to long, "I told my parents last night, and they were actually ok with it."
"No way!" Brittany says excitedly. She's been such a trooper, Quinn and I are really lucky to have her as a friend.
I smile, "yep, apparently they already had their suspicions, so it wasn't that much of a shock."
Quinn laughs remembering their reactions, "my mom pretty much said the same thing."
End of Flashback
Quinn smiles remembering the relief she felt when finally being able to tell her friends about her relationship with Santana. "I know the reason behind you having to come out and your secret being revealed wasn't something you had planned or wanted to do at the time... But everything worked out in the end."
Quinn brushes some of Santana's hair that has fallen into her face away and tucks it behind her ear, "as long as we have each other, we can get through anything... Besides do you really think any child of Rachel's will give into the bullying."
This makes Santana laugh a little, Quinn's right. As long as she has Rachel and Quinn everything will be ok, they can get through anything as long as they are together.
Santana pulls Quinn into a hug, she wraps her arms around the blond tight and kisses her neck, "you're right. I was being stupid."
"You weren't stupid San, I get where you were coming from. I worry about those things too," Quinn confesses.
Santana tightens her grip around Quinn more happy to hear she's not alone in her fears, "I'm so happy Rachel's pregnant. We're going to have the most amazing kids. You're right with Rachel's genes they are going to be tough little cookies."
Quinn giggles, "yep, and I feel sorry for anyone who even thinks about picking on one of your little bugs."
Santana smiles, "the Lima heights will most definitely be brought out." Santana pulls back from Quinn but keeps her arms wrapped around her neck, "please don't tell Rachel I said anything."
Quinn pulls back and looks in Santana's eyes. She's confused, they don't keep secrets from each other.
Santana explains, "I'll tell her why I acted the way I did yesterday I promise. When we get home, I'll sit down with her and explain everything, do you think you can keep it from her until then? I know I'm asking a lot I just... I just don't want to ruin the trip for her, you know?"
Quinn nods and pulls Santana back into a hug, "I won't say anything."
They sit on the shower floor holding each other, the water cascading down on them for a couple minutes before deciding to stand up and actually take a shower before all the hot water is gone.
By the way, how I envision this story, many of the story lines that happened in the show also happened in this version. The flashbacks in this chapter were obviously scenes taken from the show (that I do not own) and tweaked/added to, to fit my vision of the story. Hope you all enjoyed this chapter.
Very glad everyone seemed to enjoy the last chapter! :D
For those who may be wondering, I do plan on seeing the story through with the pregnancy. I'm thinking a chapter, maybe two for each month of pregnancy. I may skip a month here or there depending on what ideas I come up with but it will not just be highlighted really... at least I don't think what I have in mind so far is considered highlighting lol. I'd say all in all around, at least 18 more chapters. There will be one possibly two more chapters in Lima and then they will be back in New York and that's when the time jumps begin.
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed/favorite/followed, I still can't believe so many people are actually reading this.
Until next time :)
Special thanks to Forevergleek9615