"Hey," I turned sharply at Joel's rough voice behind me. I did not expect him home till early dawn. He did nothing to hide the disappointment in his face at the boxes that my newly empty room was packing up into. Three boxes, one of clothes, one of books, and a small one of personal items. My life could be summed up into the six sides of the three cardboard boxes.
"Hey…" I said, picking up the smallest box and rushing by him, determined not to make eye contact. I had made my mind months ago.
I could no longer bear the resentment. Two years had gone by and as much as I wanted to believe that time would eat the anger right out of my chest - my mind and very being - I had to face the truth sooner or later. Joel was not the hero I had so whole heartedly looked up to and loved with every particle of my life. His actions, his choices and ultimately his selfishness was the only thing that lived in my mind, my memories and heart. I could no longer bear to wake up and have him smile at me at the breakfast table. Or watch him interview people wanting to join Jackson in our living room or listen to him go on about how amazing the community is and how lucky we are to have finally found a safe place, home.
He watched me with gloomy eyes as I moved all three boxes to the door and proceeded to pick up my mattress as well. "A little spring cleaning?" He asked, knowing the answer.
I sighed and set my pillow on top of my boxes, my back to him. "Joel don't make this any harder than it is."
"It is for you?"
"Sorry?" I looked at him, he had his hands shoved deep in his pocket and he looked at the floor.
"Is it hard for you to go behind my back and apply for your own place with Maria. Is it hard for you to move across town and change all your guard shifts so that we don't work together no more. Is it hard to cut me out of your life Ellie?" he spoked calmly and quietly.
"Fucking Tommy," I said, suspecting that the man wouldn't have kept my application a secret. "Joel I'm eighteen, don't look at this any other way than what it is. It's time for me to be on my own for once."
He looked up at this comment and crossed his arms, "You were assigned a roommate."
I nodded, well aware of the fact. "I meant without someone watching my every move."
"I don't-"
"You do. Look no hard feelings Joel, you know I appreciate everything you've ever done for me but there's got to be a point where my debt to you is paid off. I can't live my whole to your standards because you saved my life."
He was quiet for a long moment so I turned away and pulled on my winter coat. "You saved mine," He almost whispered.
I looked over my shoulder, "Then I set you free of whatever obligation you feel towards me. I don't need you anymore Joel. I can do it on my own, I don't need you making my decisions for me. When I'll work, when I'll eat and when I'll sleep. I need to be on my own."
He nodded and shuffled his feet awkwardly towards me, "Alright, alright kid," he went to ruffle my hair and I dodged his hand, grimacing. He too made a face and instead put his hand on the back of his neck.
"This isn't me moving out of my parent's house. This is my taking control of my life for once. You're not my father Joel."
He flinched at the word 'father' and diverted his gaze again. "Alright," his voice was harsh and I knew he finally understood. "Do you need help moving those?"
I looked over at my items, my only possessions and shook my head. "I have a sled tied to my saddle, I'll be okay. Thanks."
He said nothing more, only gave me a single hard nod and turned to go into his bedroom.