Day 2
Part 6: Lab (b)
"Ok Illyana I want you to watch the screen and press the button in your right hand if you like the photo. Press the button in your left hand if you dislike the photo. Don't press any button if the photo has no impact. The photos will cycle to a new photo every five seconds if you don't press a button".
Hank was conducting a series of mental and physiological tests while conducting brain scans. The tests were meant to examine mental state, impulse decision making process, and emotional reactions. The tests had started in the morning and had taken several hours.
Before this series of tests Hank had briefly explored Illyana's ability, or tendency, it depended on your point of view, to phase between apparently human baseline physiology and variations of her demonic Darkchilde embodiment. This had started when she suddenly expressed horns after she sat down in the examination chair. She had been mortified when Hank inquired about them, she had not noticed that they had appeared.
"They came and went a few times last night" was her statement in answer to Hank's inquiry as to their frequency. Hank conducted detailed bio monitoring while he had her suppress and then express the horns. Emotional state appeared to be in part a trigger for the grown of the horns.
Illyana was… distressed by the horns. More so in that she was now having problems making them go away again. Hank was astute enough not to suggest that Illyana demonstrate more extreme physical manifestations such as the goat hooves or devil tail.
Roberto was waiting in the observation lounge , he was her current minder while her brother was taking a quick nap. Hank was gathering a sizeable quantity of data. Her brain scans still showed red regardless of the situation, heck under mental exercises they were even more red.
Hank started thinking about recommended a sedative. Hmm, she appears stable. Hank decided to hold of talking to her about the sedative until the next lab visit (scheduled for late that afternoon).
Part 7: Bad Trip
Roberto and Illyana were walking in the corridors. Illyana was returning from the morning lab to Hank's laboratory where he hand continued to poke and prod at her while muttering various "I see" and "Hmm"; all the while revealing nothing. They were off to meet Sam in the commons eating area (early lunch). Conversation was stilted to mostly Roberto talking and Illyana answering in mono syllables, when she answered that is.
Currently the horns were back on Illyana's head. The horns kept coming and going. Roberto could tell Illyana was rather distressed about the horns. In the lab Hank had asked her to manifest and unmanifest the horns; which she had done. It was easy to manifest the horns according to Illyana, all she had to do was to stop trying to not manifest the horns. Making the horns go away was harder. She had to be... well calmer was how she put it. Her control over this form was still haphazard and she kept slightly regressing to variations of her Darkchilde physical incarnation.
Roberto was desperately trying to come up with something to talk about. Hmm football (he meant soccer not American football)? No. Sports? No. Clubbing? Double No. TV? Hmm somehow don't think she was interested. Hiking? Yes hiking! Let's suggest we all go for a hike at one of the Bay's little islands or out to the Point Rayes lighthouse.
That's it! We could also stop off at that little town Inverness as it's on the way and eat at the Great Whale Pizza parlor. They have a fantastic garlic pizza and Illyana had always loved pizza. Roberto was feeling pleased with himself and his good idea as the duo silently rounded a corner and bumped into Megan and Victor.
Megan had been crying on Victor's shoulder and they were making their way to their rooms to grab some swim gear (Megan was going to teleport them to the beach).
Illyana and Megan had both cut sharply around the corner and bumped into each other. They both stood and stared at each other in momentary shock for a second before Megan flew into a rage. She started screaming about her soul and clawing at Illyana's face while dusting everybody around her with copious quantities of hallucinogenic dust.
"You bitch! You stole part of my soul! Give it back! Damn you! You're nothing but a rapist! You've no better then a child rapist! BITCH"!
The dust caused different effects upon the recipients. Victor dropped like a sack of rocks and curled into a ball while grabbing his right arm. Apparently he was having a flash back to when his arm had been cut off. A warm fecal smell wafted into the corridor as he lost control of his bowels.
Roberto now saw everybody dressed in playboy bunny waitress costumes, including himself, complete with bunny ears. Cute for the girls, not so cute for the guys. Double not cute for Victor.
Illyana had just been blocking Megan's hands but she had frozen at the child rapist statement. Megan clawed bleeding rows down Illyana's face with her nails but suddenly realized that a frontal attack on her own personal demon was not wise.
"Oh crap! she'll kill us all". Megan uttered a panicky "Sihal Novarum Chinoth" and both she and Victor vanished.
"Well shit" Roberto angrily stated the obvious. He had not been aware that Megan had returned. It went without saying that keeping Megan and Illyana apart ranked high on the list of good ideas. "Illyana I'm sorry I did not..." Roberto trailed off. Illyana was not paying attention. Roberto waved his hand in front of her face, nothing. She just stared ahead frozen, pupils fully dilated and shivering, blood dripping off her face.
Roberto pulled his cell phone from his pocket and speed dialed Henry. As he hurriedly described what had happened Illyana apparently came out of her stupor. There was a flash of light and now Illyana was gone as well.
"Double Shit"! Roberto continued to relay what was happening to Hank as he ran to the commons to get Sam, and then the others. After a frantic half hour of searching Illyana was finally located at the Koi pound (she had apparently just appeared there). She was just staring into the water with a look of hopelessness. As her brother approached she clearly stated "Please stay away. All of you. I'm... not... in a good place right now".
Peter disregarded her request and approached closer "Sister I think...".
In a flash she was on the other side of the Koi pond. Now her expression was angry, "I said stay away". With another flash she was gone.
Part 8: City By The Bay
Several hours later:
Illyana was dangling her legs over the edge of the platform. The platform being the highest part of the north Gold Gate Bride tower. She was looking in the direction of the city and admiring the view. Ok, not really. She was telling herself that she was admiring the view when in reality her main thought sequence was one of black despair. She had picked the location for its defensible attributes, rather then aesthetics, because it was rather difficult to sneak up on her. The view really meant nothing to her but it was a nice excuse for the location. Sounded more human.
Illyana tried to make sense of what she was feeling, or in fact not feeling.
"Something is really really wrong with me. I don't feel much of anything, apart from rage, hate, or self hatred. Rage is working just fine. Ditto on the hate. Other things... not so well. I hope, pray if I could, that it's the lack of a soul".
Whatever little Pixie had done had really caused some problems. First there had been... remembrances. Very unpleasant remembrances. Then there had been shock and enhanced self loathing, like she really needed more reasons to hate herself. Then rage. Lash out, had to lash out. Needed to find a more appropriate target for the rage. Then... well the release of that rage upon some deserving targets after locating them. Finally despair as she stood over what was left of the bodies and wondered who was the greater monster? She was pretty sure what the answer was, but was not absolutely certain.
Illyana thought "Well I suppose I should let them know where I am. Assuming they care" as she took down the obscurement spell that blocked any attempt to locate her.
Back at the X-Base:
Emma relayed via telepathy that Illyana had started showing up on Cerebro scans. "She's at the top of the golden gate bridge. She just appeared there in the scans. Don't know if she was someplace else or just stopped blocking. If it was blocking then I'd really like to know how she does it".
Peter was currently in one of the gyms, in human form, systematically demolishing a punching bag while Logan stood by, yes Logan was drinking a beer. Sam and Roberto were hanging out at the Koi pond in case Illyana came back. Kurt was with Scott in Scott's office.
Scott thought on the Emma telepathy party line, "Kurt go, but approach with caution. I assume her choice of local indicates a preference for your presence and rather hinders most others from quickly approaching".
Peter chimed in "No! Not alone! Kurt take me with you as well".
Scott: "Overruled. Peter go back to the Koi pond. Kurt bring Illyana back to the Koi pond if you can convince her to return. I think she does want to return otherwise she wouldn't be back. Logan... hell I don't know. Go do something Loganish, drink a beer or stab something".
Kurt vanished in a puff of bamf smoke.
Meanwhile at the golden gate the fog was rolling in. The bridge road was lost in fog but the towers pieced the fog into the daylight, illuminated by the late day sun. A cold breeze was blowing in with the fog and various fog horns could be heard. Illyana was still sitting at the highest point of the north tower, on the platform that sits over the cable and contains the navigational warning lights. She was watching the fog rolling in.
After a few quick bamfs Kurt was at the bottom of the north tower. He then bamf'd to the bottom of the main cable and then bamf'd up the cable to within 50 feet of Illyana and there he stopped. He could see Illyana sitting on the top platform, her legs dangling over the side. Her goat legs. She was in full Darkchilde physical incarnation. Horns, tail, goat legs and hooves and that scantly clad chainmail G-string and stockings look she had been wearing in Limbo. She also looked rather lacerated and bruised.
"Illyana may I approach"?
"Hello Kurt. I was wondering when you'd show up, or if you would show up. Yea walk or bamf up. I don't mind which".
Kurt decided to walk the remaining distance. This gave him time to examine Illyana and to judge the situation. He spoke as he walked up the cable. "I'm sorry if we distressed Liebchen. Um... Illyana you're injured. What happened"? Kurt reached Illyana and sat down on the platform, roughly 5 feet away from her.
"I happened".
"I don't mean to pry, but do you mean you did this to yourself or...".
"No Kurt. I'm not a cutter. I don't cut myself".
Illyana held up a bleeding left hand for closer examination. "I had to... get away. I was going to hurt somebody. I needed to hurt somebody. I don't know what Megan did to me but... Shards. Excuse me for a second".
Illyana closed her eyes and a silver pentagram of silver fire sprung up beneath her. White fire outlined her body and the hurts burned away in a matter of seconds, as well as the Darkchilde form, leaving her human but wearing her silver armor again.
"Handy trick" Kurt commented. "Emma are you there?" he thought. Nothing. Guess this was going to be a private conversation.
"I really only know how to heal myself. Healing other tends to result in... complications. Trust me when I say the cure is worse than the disease if I'm involved".
The both sat there for a while and watched the fog roll in.
"What happened back there Illyana? Why'd you run"?
Illyana brought up her legs and wrapped her arms around her knees.
"Memories and deeds. Little Pixie hit it right on the head. Child rapist. One dislikes being reminded that they've become the very thing they hate oh so very much. Plus whatever she hit me with caused me to briefly flashback on a snippet of a rather unpleasant false memory, one Belasco inflicted upon me when he was... punishing me for not being the right me".
"Let me guess, it involved touching".
"Yea. Touching".
Illyana was silent. Kurt remembered Emma's advice, let her talk. After a long delay Illyana continued.
Bastard wasn't happy just doing the deeds himself. Oh no. Had to have almost all the men I knew in my life join in on the fun as well. Left out the woman for some reason, likely because he always thought of woman as possessions. Minor oversight on his part I guess".
"Mein Gott! Illyana I'm so sorry". Kurt thought upon the statement, "Oh God, does that mean Peter...".
"Yea. Peter as well. Staring role in fact. Funny, he left you out for some reason. Likely felt you were too demony for the proper impact".
Kurt was stunned. The level of such evil. He had no words to say.
"So I needed space. Time. Had to clear my head. I know that the memory is false but the flashback was bad. Hmm, flashback. She got all dusty so I assume she can produce some substance with properties; have to protect against that in the future".
"And your injuries"?
"Needed to hurt somebody. I was going to lash out so I found a deserving target. Located a Kiss of vampires in the city. They had some appetites that I have extra issues with".
"Had"?
"Had". The certainly left Kurt troubled.
Kurt sat silent for a while searching for something to say. After a long moment he asked, "So now what? What do you want Illyana? In all this hectic confusion I don't think anybody has bothered to ask what you want".
"I want to not be me".
Kurt gave a bitter chuckle. "An emotion I can readily understand although not to your depths of suffering. How many times I wished my form was not the one I wear. To always be viewed in fear by so many people".
"The outer you scares some people Kurt. Not the inner you. Blood and horror do not walk in your footsteps".
"I hesitate to suggest this Illyana, but might Emma or some of the other telepaths help you with some of your issues? Help to mitigate the trauma? Emma helped the New Mutants once before on dealing with such trauma".
"Didn't go very well for her last time. I somehow don't think Mrs. Frost would like a repeat of that, even if I even for even one second were to contemplate letting a telepath take my choices away again".
Kurt had a mildly confused expression. "Emma did not mention any personal trauma from helping you last time. I take it things are not as they are remembered"?
Illyana gave a tired chuckle that lacked any humor, "No, well I suppose they went fine for the others but there were... difficulties involving my treatment. Mrs. Frost doesn't remember what really happened... to her".
"Not good"?
"No, not good at all".
Kurt contemplated this new tidbit of information for a while before continuing the conversation. "So now what"?
Illyana nibbled her lower lip in indecision. "I don't know. I pick wrong. I always pick wrong. What ever door I open it's the wrong door. No mater how hard I try it's always wrong, despite how correct the decisions looks. Don't stay with you guys ,everything will turn to shit. Stay with you guys, everything will turn to shit. No matter what I do harm results".
"It doesn't have to be that way Illyana".
"No? Kurt most of your facility is filled with people I've either directly harmed or are friends with those I've harmed. They hate me. For good reasons I might add. I was... unkind to many of them. And some of them were greatly harmed".
"Like Megan"?
"Like Megan".
Kurt decided to go after one of the elephants in the room. "Are you sorry"?
"Yes. And yet partially no. It's complicated. I climbed over bodies to escape a personnel hell only to find a greater hell. I was not as I am now".
Illyana wanted to open up wanted to address her fears:
Am I Illyana pulled from Inferno?
Am I a reincarnated Illyana?
Or am I just the residue, the shit as it were that was left after she escaped this mortal existence. All that was bad in her I am.
I fear I'm just a summoning that failed. I just don't know what summoning.
I fear I'm a fake, I'm not her, not her. And that fear both haunts and hunts me.
But she couldn' hid her fears, just like any demon would. All demons hid their fears. So do most people, especially very scared people; but she had forgotten that.
Kurt offered his hand to Illyana, "Please come back Illyana. Some of us really do want to help you. Please come home".
Illyana eyed his hand. Choice. Where would it lead? Salvation? Damnation? Or was choice an illusion for her? Was the outcome fixed regardless of choice?
Illyana took Kurt's hand. "I'll come, but it's not my home".
Kurt tried to be upbeat, "No yet".
Part 9: More lab work (c)
"How did you feel when you first were considered a monster"?
Hank looked up from his monitor where he was reviewing various lab results. He mildly disagreed "I'm not a monster".
Illyana replied from the examination chair "Never said you were. How did it feel"?
Hank thought upon her question. "Angry. At myself and others. Sad in that so much of what we think and believe about another is based upon physical impressions. Realization that how we look can and does matter more then what we do".
Hank decided to ask a leading question as Illyana was the one who opened up this topic of conversation. "And you"?
"Before or after"?
Hank pushed his glasses slight back up the bridge of this nose" Before or after what"?
"Before death or after return".
"Umm, both I guess".
"Well before was mostly when the New Mutants discovered I was a sorceress. Went from being the quiet odd blond to spawn of Satan. Very angry. If I had a penny for every time Rahne called me a witch I'd be up to my hips in gum balls. Every action misinterpreted. Always viewed with suspicion. Heck Sam even tried to kill me once when I was actually saving a teammate, just assumed I was doing bad".
"And after"?
"After is different. Being viewed a monster is much better then being a monster. After is realizing one day that you were once not a monster but don't know how to not be one any more. Are we done here"?
"Yes, thank you Illyana".
Illyana got up to leave but wandered over to Hank to look at the monitors. As she wandered over her finger tips slightly touched some of the gear.
"So what do all of the tests say"?
"You are apparently you and quite good health at that. Illyana, all this talk about monsters is likely not good for you. Way too many people consider mutants monsters, no need to start thinking that way yourself".
"Hank, my mutation is irrelevant to my comment. My comment is for all of you. Something I fear none of you really grasp. I'm a demon. I really am a monster. Some of you look monstrous, some of you are very scary people, some of you have done really bad things; but I'm really the scariest thing there is on this compound".
"Do you really believe that"?
"Hank do you really not believe that"?
"I want to believe that you are not as you fear you are".
"Well, that's two of us then".
Part 10: Management meeting
"... So her physiology is complex to put it mildly" Hank concluded his briefing.
The usual players were there. Kurt, Logan, Emma, Scott, and Hank. Sam, Roberto, and Peter were minding Illyana by the Koi pond. Currently Peter and Sam were with her while Roberto went off to get a bite to eat. So far Illyana had not eaten anything since her return, she had only been drinking liquids and ice cream shakes.
"The data about her mental state is very alarming" Emma stated.
"Yes" Hank answered. "Her reaction to many of the mental and physiology tests are way off kilter, but don't fit any definite profile. Lots of overlaps with sociopathic behavior and extreme trauma at many levels. Yet there are also strong value judgment trends, value systems that are very good from our perspective, however those same value systems appear to be turned very strongly against herself. In short she hates herself".
"And the little Megan episode" Scott wearily inquired.
"Did not help" both Kurt and Hank said at the same time.
"Peties quite pissed about that" Logan commented. "Boy's only thinking with his heart, not his head. Not interested in thinking about anybody's perspective other then his own".
"No, Peter's obsessions are quite obvious". Emma commented.
No conclusions were reached other then continue what was being done.
Part 11: Late Night Chat
3:30am. It was cold and the night was clear. The air was crisp with only the slightest of gentle breezes blowing. Sam had just left to grab some shuteye, Roberto was due at 7am. Currently Peter and Logan were minding Illyana by the Koi pond. Well Logan was minding Illyana, Peter had fallen asleep and snoring on the bench.
Illyana lying down on the grass watching the stars, Logon was 180 degrees opposite lying down on the grass as well.
There had been silence for quite a while. Logan could tell Illyana was far from asleep. Her scents keep changing and he could still feel that she was screaming inside. Fear, anger, longing, regret, disgust, self loathing, and occasionally wonder. Currently it was wonder (which was a pleasant change).
"I missed the stars" Illyana stated. Starting the conversation Logan had been waiting for her to initiate.
"Limbo is either lit or darkness, depending on where you are. It's self enclosed. Finite yet vast. But quite lifeless in so many ways. Stars... stars remind me of... potential. That beauty still exists even for... for those who don't deserve it".
Logan grumbled a reply "Noticed you liked to sky watch late a night back at Xavier's, when everybody was asleep".
"Yea. Sometimes I could hear you out in the woods, when you'd make some sounds to let me know that I was not alone".
"People wanting privacy have a right to know when their not alone".
"Thanks, but I didn't mind. When I wanted to be alone... well I had the means to make sure that I was really alone".
"Is any of this helping"?
"No. Well... maybe a little". Illyana watched a shooting star and made an inaudible wish.
"Are you ever going to go to sleep"?
"Eventually, not tonight. Stars are... nice. Nice is new".
"Wan'a talk about it"?
Illyana didn't play dumb, not with Logan. She knew what he meant. "No. Not now, maybe not ever. I feel... well apart from utter self disgust I don't really feel much at all. I'm... I'm broken Logan. And the longer I stay here the more it hurts. It's getting worse".
"Petie loves you. You do know that". Stated of fact not a question.
"Yes. But that's already broken as well. He loves the me that he wishes to see. Not the me that stands before him. He loves what she... I was once. Not this broken soiled... thing that I am. His love hurts as well, just continually reminds me of what I've become. Something that he would never love if he but would see me as I am. I'm not her. Not as she was. Shards I hate myself so much Logan".
"There are paths before you kid. Don't be hasty on picking one".
Illyana had a silent plea that she so wished Logan would answer, that somebody would answer.
Please please tell me about Kitty. Please! Where is she? Why is she not here? She hates me doesn't she? That's why she's not here. She must have left because of me. I know she must hate me. How could she not? That's all that's left for me isn't it. Just the hate. That's why none of you talk about Kitty.
But she didn't give voice to it.
The two watched the stars until the sun rose and Peter awoke.